Chapter 3
Usually, James is fantastic at handling frustration. He recalls memories of when he was young, and his mother was secretly trying to teach him some basic spells before he was sent off to Hogwarts. Like the one to do if his glasses broke, a warming charm in case he got too cold or to use his wand as a light in case it was dark and he got scared. Euphemia is a wonderful witch, so this stuff came easy to her. To use her wand is second nature. So, watching her, James got frustrated easily when he couldn't manage doing a spell right on his first try. He wanted to be as good at charms as well as his mother. But Effie, being as lovely as she is, was patient. She never did yell at him for not doing it properly, she just repeated as much time as needed how to do each one of the spells until he got it right. They stayed up until dawn once. Just… practising, between laughter and cups of tea, the time went on and none of them realised. Mind you, James was ten. He was very proud of having stayed up past his bedtime.
Whatever. Point is, James manages frustration well, because he knows that it isn't useful. It won't change anything. As his mother taught him, he just had to be patient.
Right now, though, he doesn't feel so keen on being calm.
His amortentia isn't… working. At least, not like it should've. This week on potions, since it's the first week, they are just going over some of the important stuff they have learned in the past few years. Amortentia is a basic one, so. But, fuck. It has turned maroon, yellow, brown. Slughorn has even stopped trying to help him, James thinks it's because his potion smells so bad it scared him away. He doesn't know what he's doing wrong.
"You alright mate?" Sirius asks. He's right next to James, like they always sit in potions.
"Kill me," is what James says, staring at his cauldron, not knowing what else to do. "Kill me right now."
"Hey!" His best friend scolds. "You're the positive one out of the two of us. Why are you not being the positive one out of the two of us?"
James looks at Sirius, then back at his cauldron, then looks at Sirius again. "Do I even have to explain myself?"
Sirius gets closer to James. When he steps forwards to peek into his cauldron, the fog that it's emitting, makes his hair just… puff. Just… all up and frizzy.
"Oh, yeah," Sirius continues, going back to stirring his potion, not noticing what just happened. "I don't know how to help you, mate."
James looks at Sirius, his eyes widened as his gaze trailed to Sirius's hair.
"Oh, fuck."
Sirius turns to stare at him with a hint of desperation when James doesn't say anything at first. "'Oh fuck' what, Prongs?"
James points at his hair. "Uhm…"
"What? What is wrong with my hair?" He freezes in place when he touches it, eyebrows furrowed. It takes a second before he's pointing his finger at James. "James Fleamont Potter!"
James instantly throws his hands up in surrender. "I'm sorry! I suck at potions!"
"It's amortentia! You did it faster than Moony when it was first taught to us, and Moony's a genius!"
Remus, who's sitting on the table behind them, walks towards them on James side, having heard his name.
"What's going—" he then looks at Sirius "—oh."
As the realisation hits, he starts to laugh.
Sirius steps towards Remus and punches his arm. "You git, stop laughing! It's not funny."
Remus opens his mouth, but when he tries to get words out, he just giggles once again. Which makes James break into a smile. Sirius does look a bit funny right now. The rest of the people in the class are giving them weird looks, but the three of them don't bother. Sirius crosses his arms over his chest, trying to look stern. He fails at it. He doesn't look like he's mad, at all. In fact, all he looks like is distressed.
"Just—" Remus starts to say, then wheezes. He takes a deep breath before he tries to speak again. He's still smiling when he speaks. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I—it doesn't look that bad."
Sirius waves his arms around, as if trying to prove a point. "I spent hours on my hair!" He reaches out to touch Remus shoulder, shaking him like his hair puffing up is the biggest deal ever. "Remus, you know how much time I spent on it!"
To James' surprise, Remus raises his sleeve a bit. There's a hair tie on his wrist. He takes it out and holds it to Sirius.
"Oh, blimey." Sirius gasps. "Why do you have it? Are you dating a girl?"
"What?" Remus frowns, like he can't believe what Sirius just said. "I carry this for you."
"Oh." Sirius' eyes softened. "Shit. Okay. Thank you."
Sirius grabs the hair tie, pulling his hair up in a bun. Or, at least, tries to.
James' mind is going, kiss, kiss, kiss. Remus stands there, looking at Sirius.
"I mean it when I said you still look good," Remus says, suddenly.
James feels like he's interrupting. He takes a step back.
Sirius looks up at Remus, fluttering his eyelashes, "Yeah?"
Remus nods. "Hm."
Fuck. Are they flirting? Is anyone else seeing this? What the fuck?!
He wishes Peter was here. He claimed he had some herbology work to do and wanted to miss potions. That asshole. He's missing this!
James decides to take another step, this one to the side. Apparently, he's not as subtle as he wants to be, because when he's about to walk away, Remus grabs his wrist without even looking at him.
"Don't even dare to leave," Remus tells him.
James rolls his eyes, taking his arm away from Remus' grasp. "Fine."
Sirius stands up, straightening his back, like he just came back to his senses after flirting with Remus.
Remus fixes his sleeve. "Do you both fancy going to Hogsmeade, after class? I wanna buy cigarettes. Haven't had one in months."
Sirius instantly agrees. "Yes, oh Merlin."
Sirius and Remus were going mental over the summer, with nowhere to buy cigarettes. Effie and Monty, already having tried them, said they were too addictive and didn't want anyone smoking for as long as they were under their care. Thus, why James never smokes, Sirius and Remus are just gits who love being rebels.
"I'll stay," James says, shrugging. "Don't feel like going out today."
"Right then, mate." Sirius pats James on the shoulder. "I'll bring you chocolate frogs."
"Cheers."
Minutes after, they go back to making their potions. James keeps on failing his amortentia, for some reason. Maybe it's because he's so distracted these days with Regulus. He thought that perhaps coming back to Hogwarts after the summer holidays, he wouldn't need to think about Regulus so much. Back in the Potter's manor, they saw each other every day, and it was hard not to think about him too much. This had to be easier. But… it isn't. His mind drifts to Regulus without realising. When he's in class, when he's eating, when he's just trying to sleep. Also, he's been trying to find a way of telling Sirius he's inevitably falling in love with his brother, in which it doesn't end up with him six feet underground.
"Oh, for Merlin's sake!" Sirius exclaims, of a sudden, looking at the cauldron like it might bite him.
James turns around. "You okay?"
"James," Sirius says, tugging at James' arm sleeve right on his elbow, as his other hand comes to his mouth. "James"
"Yeah?" James furrowed his brows as Sirius lowered his hand away from his face, then pointed at his cauldron. "What?"
Then, terrified, Sirius' voice comes out a bit shaken, "it smells like Moony."
"Oh."
"This can't be right. I hate potions."
"No you don't," James tells him, as if he knew Sirius more than Sirius himself. "You're too good at it to hate it."
"It's failing me!"
"Sirius," James says, feeling like he's entering dangerous territory, "It's not falling on you."
Sirius drops his arms to his sides, turning to look at James. "Am I in love with Moony?"
"Well, maybe? Maybe not." James tries to give Sirius the space to think that he might like Remus more than friends do, but also not quite. "There are a lot of scents that are similar."
"James. No. Oh, Merlin."
"Sirius, it's okay—"
Sirius looks like he's about to pass out as he grabs his books suddenly and leaves the class after telling the teacher he's not feeling very well and would like to see Poppy. Slughorn says yes, because that man for some reason isn't capable of saying no, and Sirius leaves.
James turns around to look at Remus. To check on him, mostly. Because he knows he might've smelled Sirius in his amortentia. He's right, apparently. Remus is looking at his potion with his eyes wide, frozen in place, face pale.
They just need to kiss.
Sirius and Remus are staring at the lady who sells the cigs like they've just seen a ghost. She just told them they make a cute couple and that more people like them should exist.
They're in a secrete muggle store and the lady who works here—by the tag on clothes, her name is Sally—is new. The last worker here was an old man who would mumble the words and didn't even look at the money when people paid him but somehow knew how much they gave him. He barely looked alive. Remus hopes he's okay, wherever he is. He never asked questions about why teenagers were buying him cigarettes, so when Remus and Sirius saw the woman they were a little scared she would be asking questions. They thought she was going to scold them, much like Effie after finding Remus' stack of empty cigarette boxes he collected just for the aesthetic. Instead, Sally's here. Not asking questions, but assuming they're a couple.
"Oh, we're not gay ma'am," Sirius says, smiling like he always does when he talks to someone who he is not comfortable with. It's fake, Remus has always thought. Forced. He hates when Sirius does it. "I mean. We are. Yes. Not for each other, but yes."
Remus, at Sirius' side, stays still. His eyes wander everywhere in the store except for the woman's eyes.
"You can't fool a lady this age, young man."
"We're not fooling anyone, ma'am. We truly aren't dating."
The woman waves her arm around, like she doesn't believe them. "Yeah, yeah."
Remus blinks, coming back to his senses. Before this awkward convo continues, he takes his money out of his pocket and hands it to the lady, then points to the shelf behind her. "Marlboro, please. Red box."
She looks at him weirdly, but doesn't bother him, just turns around to grab the packet to hand it to them.
"I'll get going," Sirius says to Remus when the lady is searching in her cabinet for change. "I'll be at Filch's."
Remus nods. "Yeah, alright. Just go. I'll bring the bags."
Sirius offers him a smile, a genuine one; the one Remus adores. "You're a star."
Remus watches Sirius leave the store, walking confidently. His hair has been fixed so now it looks beautiful, as always. Filch's is next to this one, so when Sirius gets out of the muggle store, when he turns Remus can see the star clip Sirius has on his hair, keeping his hair away from falling over his forehead. Good lord, he's truly majestic. He's also wearing a plain white shirt that he cut right below the belt of his black jeans. It doesn't expose much skin, but it's enough to drive Remus crazy. Sirius drives Remus crazy.
Before Sirius disappears out of his view, realises Remus is staring. He winks in his direction, then continues his path as if nothing.
Help, Remus thinks, pathetically panicking inside. Oh, Godric, help me.
"Oi!" The woman calls out. Remus wonders how many times she has been trying to get his attention. "Here's your change."
Remus takes the money, putting the sickles and the cigarettes in his back pocket, kind of embarrassed. "Thank you."
Sally, then, says, "He'll come to his senses."
Remus frowns. "What?"
"That friend of yours. He's in love with you, I can tell. Shame he doesn't realise you're madly in love with him."
Remus can't say anything, not really, at the moment. He's… processing everything she just said. Fuck. She's… right. Isn't she? Remus is madly in love with Sirius. Even James has realised. His mind wanders to potions, where his amortentia smelt like cigarettes, and strawberries. Like lilac fields. Childhood dreams. A warm cuppa in the summer. It was the same as last year, when they made amortentia for the first time.
If Sally's right. If Sirius does love—not even like, love—Remus back, then he should just… say it. Tell Remus. Because his chest is starting to hurt every time he looks at his best friend. The agony of being in love is starting to drown him.
Remus clears his throat. "I'll—I'll see you soon, ma'am."
The woman smiles sweetly. "Just call me Sally, please."
As Remus gets out of the store, with the bags (one is Remus', with new quills and books; the other two are Sirius', who has bought new clothes, and books too), he goes to Filch’s Emporium. The shop is sort of a thrift shop, and is Sirius and Peter's favourite. Sirius' because there are a lot of second-hand jewellery and clothes, and Peter's because 'it's an art to give objects a second life', as he likes to say.
When he enters he sees Sirius looking at the table in the middle of the shop, where there are a lot of random stuff sprawled hastily. There are Polaroid cameras, rings, small magical portraits, charmed mirrors, and more.
Sirius is looking at a small wooden box with rings in it. There's something about his gaze, though. Sometimes he does this. His mind wanders somewhere Remus can't reach, and he looks lost—like he has just lost all the concept he has about himself and is just existing like an ideal and not a human. He used to do this a lot, back then, before he moved in with the Potter's. Especially when they came back from the holiday's. Sirius used to take a lot of time to… recover, from the time spent at Grimmauld's. He didn't eat. Hardly laughed. Stayed up too late. All that sort of stuff.
Lately, he's been getting away from himself a lot. Which worries Remus because he thought Sirius was alright—as alright as someone can be after escaping a house like his. But better, at least.
Remus doesn't say anything as he stands next to Sirius.
"Do you want it?" Remus asks, looking at him. He bumps his shoulder next to Sirius', hoping the question would get him back to himself.
"Huh?" Sirius blinks quickly, then his eyes focus on Remus, then back at the ring on the box. There's sadness clinging to his gaze. "Oh. Right. The ring."
"Yes. The ring. Do you want it?"
"I think so, yeah."
Remus reaches out to grab it. "I'll buy it for you."
"Moony, no," Sirius says, quickly. "It's alright, I'll buy it."
"It's fine. I want to."
"If you buy it I feel bad."
"You're already feeling bad," Remus confronts. He has never been one to walk on eggshells around people—if there's something slightly off, he'll say it. He's not afraid of pointing things out. Sirius' face stays neutral. "And I can afford it, so. Also, you were the one to give me money for the cigarettes, so it's only fair if I buy it."
Sirius considers it for a second. "Fine, but I'm buying our next vinyl."
Remus smiles. "Deal."
Remus pays for the ring, and after that they decide to leave Hogsmeade. It's windy, and they didn't bring enough clothes to be warm.
"Remus," Sirius says, like when he's about to commit a mischief that Remus won't like. They are both walking on the pavement before they go through the secret passage that would take them to the castle.
"Yes?"
"Would you—well. Okay." He turns a little to Remus side to talk. He's always using his hands a lot when he speaks. "I know Christmas is very far away. But, would you like to spend Christmas at the Potters with me?"
Remus is lost for words. Because his first thought is, yes. My heart bets for you, so yes. Yes. Yes. He would do anything for Sirius. And the thought that follow is, oh, no. Because ever since his parents split up, his dad has this weird rule of him having to spend one year Christmas with him, and the next one with his mum, and so on.
He loves Christmas at his mum's place.
Hope has a muggle place, in the streets of London. The flat is small, because she's the only one living there, and she doesn't really see the point in spend money on one that's bigger. It's lovely, truly, and when it's Christmas she puts a little tree in a corner of the living room, with colourful decorations. She makes the best hot chocolate ever, and she can't afford a big dinner, but she makes Remus favourite meal—which just include fries and nuggets. It's not a classic Christmas food, but Remus is a picky eater and that's what he likes. It warms his chest every time he thinks that all his mother wants is to make him happy. Unlike his father, who only seems to wish doom on his life. He insists every year on having a big party on Christmas and makes fancy food that Remus doesn't like.
Sometimes, Remus thinks that his dad does this on purpose. When he was little, Lyall would take him on work trips or huge dinner parties of family. Remus used to cry, and his dad would just… not care. He'd say that not everything that happens in Remus life is going to be to his liking. At least, with his father, they share the same music taste. Remus doesn't know if it's a good thing or a bad one, but it's something. And something is better than nothing.
"Remus?" Sirius asks, softly, pulling at his sleeve slightly.
"Hm?"
"You were quiet for a second."
"Yeah, yeah," Remus says, trying to ignore the feeling of Sirius touch, his hand wrapping around his bicep. "Right. I'll think about it."
"I'm not going to pressure you into anything, by the way." Sirius licks his lips. "It really doesn't bother me if you can't spend Christmas with me."
Remus tilts his head. "You don't sound so unbothered right now"
Sirius chuckles. "I really am! I promise. I mean—of course I do want to spend the holidays with you, but I get it if you can't. You'll think about it, yes?"
"Yeah, of course."
"That's enough." Sirius shrugs. "There's no rush. We can talk about it later."
Marlene once dated a boy.
He was a Ravenclaw, therefore clever; was always in the library, as he used to say. Marlene doesn't know if he wasn't lying. He was tall, and a year older than her. This used to make her feel wanted. Cared for. She thinks she even used the word love to describe her feelings towards him. Now that she looks back, all she wants is to puke. Throw up. Leave her guts on the floor, sprawled for her to look at as if they said, "you did this to yourself, you did this to you". He was also quiet and treated her nicely at first. The issue came later up in the relationship. They were making out, as always. It had seemed something they did regularly now. No talking involved. With tongue and everything. There were times when Marlene wanted to tell him to just… stop. She would think, yes, okay. I like this. I like this. I like this. And a small side of her just went, I'm going to puke. I'm going to puke. I'm going to puke. Stop. But she pushed those thoughts aside. What was she scared of? They were just making out. Perhaps he was being too rough—holding her hips too tight, taking too much control out of whatever this was. Marlene never liked it—being out of control, that is.
She was being pressed against the wall, then he just… did the knee thing. She tried to get away, making it clear she didn't want anything with it, but he had too much force. And she couldn't move. She couldn't move. She couldn't move. She couldn't move. So then she slapped him. It all got a bit blurry after that. She remembers him saying something about how she was an ungrateful bitch and wanted to break up or something like that, as she went out of the broom closet. She was thankful that that night Remus was coming out of the library. He had been the one to find her in his way to the Gryffindor tower.
"You alright?" Remus had asked, hand on her shoulder as they stopped in the middle of the hall. "You're shivering, Marls. Are you cold?"
"I'm fine," Marlene had said. Her voice had come out more shaky than she ought it to be. "Don't touch me."
Remus retracted his hand back to his side. "Marls…"
"I'm fine, Remus." Hands shaking to her side, she straightened her back. "Can we leave?"
Remus didn't seem convinced, but he let it slide as they kept on walking.
Before they got in, Remus asked, "Are you okay?—wait, that's stupid to ask. Um. I know you don't want to talk. But… are you safe, at least?"
Marlene had nodded, avoiding his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. I promise."
"Alright."
And that was it. Really. As Dorcas is kissing her, she can't help but think about that night. She has never said anything about it. As far as she knows, the Ravenclaw boy didn't say anything and at some point, when they never saw each other, people assumed they had broken up.
"You alright?" Dorcas asked as she pulled away slightly. They were lying on Marlene's bed, snogging. The other girls had gone out to Merlin knows where, said they had something to do, so they had the dorm to themselves. Dorcas, sweetly, caresses Marlene's cheek with such care with her thumb. "You tensed up all of a sudden."
"I'm okay," Marlene shrugs. Because she is. It is just… every time they make out, Marlene freaks out a bit. She yawns, trying to misdirect the question. "Fuck. I'm so knackered."
Dorcas smiles, shifting on the bed so she can put an arm around Marlene's. "Wanna have a nap?"
Marlene lets her head rest on Dorcas' chest, her arm going around Dorcas stomach, "Please."
Dorcas falls asleep, thinking about Marlene, about her brutal yet gentle soul; Marlene falls asleep, thinking about if she'll ever feel comfortable in her skin.