Chapter 8
“Ma’am,” the boy in front of her greeted Maria, his eyes serious and attentive.
“Steve. I’m detective Maria Hill, please, sit.” He was small, skinny, his skin pale and his hair fair, and he looked both younger and older than the 17 years he was according to the file. “I have heard a lot about you, Steve,” she told him, “You have the reputation of a troublemaker.”
Steve snorted, “You been talking to Bucky?” he asked.
“Your boyfriend, James Barnes? Yes. Amongst others.”
“Yeah…sounds like something he’d say…”
“Why is that?” Maria questioned and Steve shrugged.
“He’s not wrong,” he muttered, “I always do shit I shouldn’t do.”
“Like starting a fight in front of the school on your fist day?”
“Yeah…like that.”
Maria nodded. “Steve, despite the bumpy start, you and Tony Stark have struck a friendship, is that correct?”
Steve shrugged again, “Yeah,” he said.
“And the others? How would you describe your relationship to them?”
“We’re friends.”
“Could you elaborate?”
“I mean…I knew Wanda and Pietro before. We went to the same school,” Steve explained, “Then there’s Clint and Tasha…Tony, obviously, we have lunch together and Tony invited me a few times for his Friday night get-togethers…and of course Peggy and Sharon.”
“I’ve been told there was a fight between Peggy and Sharon Carter, and you,” Maria prompted carefully and Steve winced.
“Not…not a fight exactly…” he whispered, his eyes downcast.
“Tell me what happened, Steve.”
Steve raised his head and now Maria could see that there were tears glistening in his eyes, “I made a horrible mistake…”
The apartment was dark when Steve opened the door. He was shaking, his jacket still lying where he had thrown it on the floor a few hours earlier and half a town away.
“Didn’t think you’d come home.”
Steve jumped at the voice and turned around, turning on the light. There, on the couch, sat Buck, his shoulders hunched and his eyes apologetic and –
“Buck…” Steve breathed out, whishing…wishing.
“I’m sorry, Steve. I shoulda told ya, but I knew you wouldn’t’ve taken the money if you’d known,” Bucky said, looking at Steve hopefully, and Steve…he couldn’t hold it anymore. The tears that had been burning in his eyes finally making their way down his cheeks, his legs threatening to give out. And Bucky – wonderful, perfect, Bucky – rushed forward to help him.
“Don’t,” Steve managed to choke out and Bucky froze, frowning.
“What’s wrong? Babydoll. Stevie, what happened?”
“I –” He couldn’t, but he had to, had to tell him, had to – “I’m sorry, Buck. I’m so fucking sorry, I didn’t mean to, it just happened and I know that’s not an excuse but –”
“Steve!” Bucky cut him off, “You’re makin’ no sense. Sit down, tell me what happened.”
Steve nodded, moving towards the couch and sitting down opposite from his boyfriend.
“From the beginning.”
“I made a horrible mistake,” Steve whispered hoarsely, “I…I …” he took a shaky breath, trying to steady himself, prepare for what was about to happen, “I had sex with Peggy.”
There. He’d said it.
Bucky sat on the couch as if he was frozen, his face blank, empty, lifeless.
“I had sex with Peggy,” Steve repeated, “And I’m sorry.”
There were no more tears. Just cold dread.
Slowly, Bucky stood up, walked over to the kitchen, poured himself a glass of whisky and drained it on one go. Then, he reached for his cigarettes. The only thing betraying his calm, was the slight tremor in his hands as he lighted the smoke.
“Buck –” Steve started but Bucky held up his hand, silencing him immediately, and then he turned around and Steve wished he hadn’t. Bucky’s eyes, usually so soft and full of love, were a violent storm of burning anger and cold hurt. He took another drag from the cigarette. Suddenly, the brunet’s body jerked into action, his hand slamming down on the kitchen counter, and Steve winced, he couldn’t help it…he’d never seen Bucky like this…so out of control.
I did this…he thought brokenly.
Bucky was leaning on the kitchen counter, his arms outstretched and his head hung low between his shoulders and Steve could see him taking deep breaths. Eventually, he straightened up, grabbed his jacket, his cigarettes and his car keys, walking towards the door. Steve didn’t dare speak, didn’t dare move. And without another word, Bucky was gone.
And Steve cried.
A few tears had fallen down Steve’s face as he had spoken, his face hard.
“Do you know where he went?” Maria asked.
Steve shook his head. “Probably Dugan’s,” he said.
“When was the next time you saw him?”
Steve swallowed. “The next morning…”
He woke to the smell of coffee. His mind hazy and his body stiff.
A mug was unceremonially put down on the small table and Steve opened his eyes to see Bucky sitting in the same spot he’d been in the previous night. His he was still wearing the same clothes, his hair was a mess, and he had dark rings under his eyes.
“Talk,” Bucky demanded. Steve sat up, blinking at the other man, trying to process his words. “Go on,” Bucky said, “Last night you wanted to explain, now you have the chance.” He didn’t seem angry anymore. Only sad.
“I’m sorry, Bucky,” Steve said earnestly.
Bucky smiled. It was a smile that broke Steve’s heart into a million pieces. It was a smile that cut through him like a knife, leaving him wide open and bleeding. It was a smile that Steve had never seen before. Not on Bucky.
“I know you are.”
“After our fight,” Steve began, hoping against hope that he could make this right, that he could make it undone, “I was so…angry with you…You threw away your future for me…that…my place at Shield…it should have been yours…it was yours, and I just…I was angry. And that’s not an excuse, that’s not a reason, and it’s not your fault. I know why you did it. I knew it last night but…” he shook his head. This was wrong. All of this was fucking wrong. “I ended up at Peggy’s…we…we got drunk…Sharon was there too. She had these…these pills…I don’t know. She gave me one. Suddenly everything just felt…easy. I felt good. The anger… it was gone. Peggy was upset about something. I comforted her and then…I swear…Bucky, I swear I didn’t mean for it to happen.”
“But it did.”
“But it did.”
Bucky nodded slowly, and he seemed far more collected than last night as he pulled out a smoke.
“I’d understand if you wanted me to leave,” Steve said finally, “If you’d wanted to –”
“Gonna stop you right there, Rogers,” Bucky cut in, his voice sharper than usual, “If you wanna break up with me…I can’t stop you…but do not manipulate me into doing it for you. Don’t you dare do that, ‘cause I’m not gonna. This…us…it means too much for me to just throw away. I’m not sure what that makes me but…goddammit, I love you, Steve Rogers, and I will keep loving you, and yeah…you fucked up, big time, but…we’re gonna deal with it. Together. I want to forgive you.” It was like all the air had left his lungs as Steve stared at Bucky, trying to come up with words, but there were none. “Now drink your fuckin’ coffee, take a shower and get some more sleep. You look like shit. I gotta get Becca to school.”
Bucky stood up and walked towards Becca’s bedroom door but before he could knock, Steve called out his name, “Buck!” and Bucky stopped, not turning around but listening.
“I love you, too, Bucky.”
“And did you?” Maria asked, making Steve jump a little as he was pulled back from his thoughts, “Did you deal with it?”
Steve shrugged, then nodded. “We’re getting there,” he answered.
“And what about Peggy?”
“I texted her…that morning. I said that what happened was a mistake, that we shouldn’t have done it, that Bucky knew, and that it would be best if we stayed away from each other for a bit.”
“How did she react?”
“She understood and said that she agreed.”
Maria nodded, taking notes as Steve spoke. “Did anyone else know?”
“Sharon, she…she walked in on us.” Steve was blushing lightly, his eyes again fixated on his hands on the table.
“Did you talk to Sharon about it?”
“No.” Steve shook his head. “She didn’t speak to me. Or Peggy. Nut until…not until Stark’s party.”
“Why not?”
Steve looked up abruptly, “Why do you think?” Instead of replying, Maria simply raised her eyebrows at the boy and Steve sighed. “Everyone knew that she had a bit of a crush on me but it wasn’t – I didn’t – she had that think with Brock and then she went out with Sam and…they seemed happy together, y’know? I didn’t think it’d affect her like that.” He shook his head. “Guess I was wrong.”
“Thank you, Steve.”