Have you ever hurt someone? I don't mean by saying something what you shouldn't have or punch someone while you were arguing about something. What I mean is have you hurt someone so badly that they can't live a normal life anymore?
I have done so. Many many times. I didn't want to hurt or kill anyone, but I couldn't stop myself. I didn't even feel anything when I killed a man with my pare hands. I just did the job. That's it.
Didn't matter who he or she was. If I was told that I needed to kill someone, then I would do it. Without questions.
You may wonder why I'm writing about this now. Shouldn't I feel anything even now? Well technically yes. I shouldn't feel anything right now. I still should be the same robotic soldier as I was back then. But something happened. Something that gave me my personality back.
It happend couple months ago. You see my old friend took down all of the people who used to control me. Or at least he thought so. That was the first time when I was my old self again after many years.
To be honest it was scary, really scary. It took me awhile to figure out who I really was.
After living dozens of years as a soldier whitout my own will and just doing what was told no matter what. It was horrific to remember everything I had done and feel them.
All of the assassinations, kills and hurting some so much that they couldn't walk ever again.
However that wasn't the most scary thing. The most scary thing was to know that you are not that person, but at the same time the whole world does not see anything else in you. Just a very skilled assassin which must be captured, died or alive.
Now you probably wonder why I'm writing something like this while the whole world wants to put me down. I'll tell you. It's because of the old friend I was talking about earlier. He believed in me. Somehow he knew that I wasn't really the man everyone else seemed to think I was.
And after some conflicts and hard times, couple of others started to believe in me as well. Thanks to one of them I can be writing this letter now.
I don't know if anyone will ever read this, but I felt like I had to write this before I go into sleep. I don't know how long I will be out. Maybe just a few days, a year or even centuries. I hope it's only few days or years, because I want to feel alive again and be a normal person among others. I want to live my life whitout fier of someone trying to control my mind again. I know that in this world there still is a book which can make me someone's puppet and that's why I have to stay in sleep.
Untill someone can figure out how to get rid of this controlling issue.
The last thing I want to say is to my old friend. If you are reading this, don't worry. I'll be back.
I know that me saying don't worry will not help. You will worry no matter what. However I hope that you don't worry too much. I want you to continue your life even though I can't and I really hope I can see you again soon. Untill then just live your life and help others as always. And if you really need me you know where to find me.
But if for some reason we will not meet again in this life. I'm sure we will meat in the next one.
With appreciation, Bucky