Tony
Exactly how many stars were out there? Right outside, Tony could see so many of them burning bright, or fading out and growing dimmer. Rather than focusing on the tightness of his empty stomach he tried counting the stars, and as he went along the numbers escaped as low whispers from his dry lips. He lost count a few times. It was getting harder and harder to keep his eyes open but he had just slept. That helped a bit. But not much.
He had gotten quite attached to this chair he found himself in, too. There were a bunch of them here, placed one behind the other at the front of the ship where the Guardians had once gathered and traveled together. Nebula told him more about them. Apparently there was also a talking tree and a fox, but she was unsure of what happened to them. They all hated her, she said. Tony had seen that look before though, the one that said ‘I needed them more than they needed me.’ Tony didn’t say anything. But he had a feeling she knew that they shared that fear.
They had both failed— they were similar in that way too. The universe was unforgiving in how it beat you down time and time again, and now here they were. Adrift, left alone together to live out their final days with the weight of their failure crushing them down. It was too late now, for both of them. So Tony Stark sat in the captain’s chair of a spaceship, counting the stars and watching as they burned.
The funny thing about stars was that they didn’t die quietly. They burned and burned and burned until one day they burst— a brilliant display of light and then it’s gone. Tony never wished for a memorable death. Back home he had gained the reputation for always dragging himself into the spotlight, and sure, he wouldn’t deny it. But whatever bullshit some people claimed came with a ‘glorious death’, he wanted nothing to do with. Death wasn’t meant to be congratulated. It was an end. And he was determined to end quietly, to not make a ripple in the water as he left. Suffer in silence. Keep the pain hidden away and let no one else get close enough to be poisoned by it. Tony Stark was no dying star. But as he sat and withered away an ache in his chest began to grow, even as he desperately tried to push it aside.
Would he even be remembered at all?
“Tony?”
Crap, had he been talking out loud again? That’s what she had busted him for last time— talking gibberish, like he had lost his mind. Tony couldn’t tell if Nebula was more annoyed or scared, but either way he didn’t want to get on the nerves of his only companion. A few delayed seconds after hearing his name Tony inched his way around to face her, blinking once and then twice to get her into focus. He waited for her to continue.
“Your helmet just started making noise.” She lifted it up to show him and he squinted at the small red light that was blinking from inside it.
In a flash of panic, Tony’s eyes widened and he scrambled ungracefully off his seat. He caught himself against the wall more than a few times and then harshly gripped the fractured head piece and yanked it away from her, collapsing to the ground with it.
As he flipped it over Nebula stood above him, glancing down but not moving. “What does it mean?”
Tony could barely breathe, shaking hands tracing the patterns laced into the inside of the metal. His eyes flicked back and forth between the red light and where his fingers lingered, trying to move through the fog in his brain and figure out if this really was what he thought— a signal from home.
“Tony?” She pressed him for an answer.
“Shh- sh—“ It was hard to concentrate when it wasn’t completely silent. Finally Tony traced the patterns in the conduits and his finger landed against the blinking bulb. It took a moment— or a few— for him to realize what it was trying to tell him.
Not a message from home. Not a message from home—
“Tony, what does it mean?”
His eyes closed and his heart dropped into his stomach. The arm he put his weight onto had been shaking and finally gave out at the elbow, and Tony fell to the side with a thud. “Nothing. It means nothing. Other than a low energy reserve.”
Nebula had crouched down next to him as he struggled to right himself. When he was upright again he glanced to her with defeat in his eyes and she looked back to him with understandable disappointment. For a split second, they both had hope. Something that they hadn’t felt since the first speck of ash had blown away on Titan. Tony had promised himself that he wouldn’t let himself feel hopeful again for this very reason— it was painful to lose it when reality came crashing down.
“I was so sure—“
“So was I.” Nebula finished, her dark eyes drifting to the floor space between them.
Tony looked back to his helmet. “Would you give me a sec? If this thing is about to become useless, I have one last job for it.”
“I’ll be in the supply room.” Not because there was anything in there they could use. It was a room on the ship that was a bit more secluded than the rest, and thus the two of them could be apart when needed. Tony nodded and waited until her footsteps had faded.
This really was the last place Tony would ever see. The inside of a broken space vessel. Galaxies and planets and stars and asteroids all gleaming against the glass a few feet away. Space was always meant to be his grave, it seemed. Surrounded by a never ending nothing. No path. No destination. No resting place. Just a void. It scared him— the unknown. A place where he could never be in control. He felt as if he had left a piece of himself behind the moment he fell through that wormhole and back down to Earth all those years ago. In the end, it gently called him back and lured him to his death.
Palms flat against the cold floor, Tony pushed himself further upright and tried to get comfortable. He leaned back against the side of the nearest chair and then took a deep breath. Four days without food or water was taking its toll. Hunger, exhaustion, slower brain function. His limbs didn’t feel real sometimes. Like they weren’t a part of him anymore unless he concentrated his hardest. Which is exactly what he had to do as he lifted his hand and reached towards the mask at his side.
His trembling touch was met with cold metal and Tony slowly flattened his palm against it, flicking on a switch on the side. The helmet surged with energy as it turned on and the eyes stayed lit, a low glow in the pale blue light he sat in. With one finger he tapped the front panel three times. “This thing on?”
It scanned him and then beeped once. Tony sighed, and let his arm fall back to his side. “Hey Miss Potts. If you find this recording.. don’t feel bad about this. Part of the journey is the end.”
Tony paused then, turning to look out at the stars again. “Just for the record— being adrift in space with zero promise of rescue is more fun than it sounds. Food and water ran out.. four days ago. Oxygen will run out tomorrow morning. That’ll be it.” He almost smiled. Not that he was happy just— feeling love. Admiration. A connection to someone across the universe, who he wasn’t even sure was alive. But if a feeling was that strong, it had to mean something more.
The recording continued and Tony looked to his mask, his expression soft but tired and maybe a bit broken. “And when I drift off, I will dream about you.” Gently he pointed to the mask, like Pepper was right on the other side of it. “It’s always you.”
“I’m sorry I can’t be there. I know I promised you a lot of things. We finally decided on a wedding date and then I had to go get myself stranded in space— figures, huh?” Typical Tony Stark. Screwing things up when it meant the most.
“I hope you’re okay. I know for a while you won’t be, but someday you’ll be over this. You’ll move on, live a life, be happy..” He paused. “That’s all I ever wanted for you. I wanted to be able to be by your side as it all happened, but if I can’t be, then that’s that. I love you, Pepper Potts. See you in the next life, alright?”
It was difficult to finish as his throat tightened and his eyes threatened to spill over. Hastily he flicked a different switch on the helmet and then cleared his throat.
“Rhodey— this one’s for you, buddy. This thing is running out of juice so I can’t ramble on and on but I know you wouldn’t like that anyway.” An ironic laugh bubbled up from his chest and it turned into a cough, but he caught his breath.
“The last time I went missing, you never stopped looking for me. God, I couldn’t believe you found me in that desert. You were right, you know. I should have ridden with you that day. But this time I’m glad you were nowhere near this— space isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
“You’re my best friend. You put up with my shit longer than anyone and never asked for anything back. Gonna miss you. A lot. Just don’t come looking for me too hard this time, k? Whenever this message gets to you, you’ll know. Don’t waste time on me anymore, you gotta promise. I love you, Rhodes. Tell the rest of the Avengers that I'll miss them too. And that I'm sorry for everything.”
Next message—
“Happy— my forehead of security. I picked on you way too much didn’t I? I can be such an ass sometimes. I’m sorry about that. Really, I am. You know how much you’ve meant to me. Wouldn’t have made it as far as I did without you. Stay happy, Happy. Keep up the good work.”
After that Tony took in a big breath and let it out slowly. The exhale was shaky, but he had to keep going. One more message to go. He clicked the mask and started again.
“Hey, Pete.” Had he said his name since Titan? No. He and Nebula could barely get themselves to talk about anyone by name. It was too much. “I don’t know why I’m recording this. I saw what happened to you. I know that you’re not around to listen to this. But.. maybe if there’s ever some miracle and you make it home, this is for you. Because I have a lot to say to you, and I was too shitty of a mentor to say it to you before.”
Peter’s last moments played over and over in his head. He had been right there, in his arms, begging to stay. Apologizing for leaving. Afraid. On a planet he never should have been on, but braver than all the rest of them combined. Tony would trade places with him in a heartbeat. Well, only if it meant Peter could be home. Not stuck on a spaceship.
“You’re a great kid, Peter. When I was your age I was.. messed up. Already too lost. I know you’ve lost a lot but you’re strong. More of a hero than anyone else I know. Just promise me, if you ever come back, that you’ll take care of yourself too, okay?”
‘If you ever come back.’ That was a long shot. But Tony just couldn’t get himself to let go.
“Mostly I just.. wanted to tell you I’m sorry. I let you down. You didn’t deserve what happened to you and you.. died.. because I failed. If there’s anything to learn from me, kid, it’s what not to do. Look at my mistakes and don’t do what I did. You want to go out there and save the little guy? You do it, and you do it your own way. You won’t win all the time. But you can’t let it get to your head. Not like I let it get to mine.”
Shit, he was getting tired. His words were getting quieter, a bit breathless. His chest hurt, pain leeching up from the stab wound that still wasn’t healed completely. For a while he kept telling himself it would make one hell of a scar, but it looks like that wouldn’t matter now. After the fight with Thanos, Tony was lucky he made it even this far. Peter was the one that helped him up when he could barely stand-- but he couldn’t do the same for him when it mattered.
Tony sat in silence for a couple moments, eyes closed as he rested his head back against the seat he sat next to. Silent tears were streaking his cheeks. For the entirety of their time on the ship, Tony kept telling himself that he was stronger than this. That they would either get back to Earth or he would accept that this was where it ended. But this was miserable. Miserable and lonely and he lurched forward as he broke into quiet sobs-- forgetting that his helmet was still recording.
“I’m scared.”
‘Boss, are you alright?’
Tony gasped as he tried to breathe and looked back to his tech. He had almost forgotten that F.R.I.D.A.Y was still functioning.
‘Would you like me to terminate the message?’
“No-- no, wait. Just take out us talking right now, but I gotta finish.”
Tony gathered himself. “Alright Pete-- I gotta go. I just want you to know that.. you were the closest thing I ever had to a son. I tried my best with you. I messed up a lot, but I am infinitely lucky that I got to know you. Keep swinging, alright kid?” A pause. “Alright, stop recording.”
‘All messages have been saved, boss. But you should know-- my energy levels are hovering just above 2%.’
“Thanks F.R.I.D.A.Y. Guess it’s good that I got those done. I’m gonna miss you too, you know.”
‘I’ll miss you too, Tony. I’m sorry we couldn’t get you back home. Pepper is probably worried about you.’
Tony scoffed. “If she’s alive, yeah. But it’s alright. I think I’m right where I need to be.”
‘Why do you say that?’
There was hesitation before he replied. “Because where else am I gonna get a view like this?”
‘I understand.’
“Hey-- do you have enough battery left for one more recording?”
‘A short one, sure. Who’s it for?’
“Wait just a second--” With all the energy he could muster, Tony pushed himself up onto his feet. One hand swung down and grabbed his helmet and then he began slowly moving over to the supply room. He knocked a few times and then the door opened.
“Have you finished?”
“Yeah. But uh-- there’s still time for you to record something for yourself if you wanted. A message for someone. Anything.”
Tony waited for Nebula to answer and watched as her hands curled into loose fists and she looked away. “I don’t have anyone.”
“What about your sister?”
“You know she was killed--” She hissed back.
“I know, I know but-- listen-- I recorded one for my kid. You saw what happened to him.” He shrugged, holding out the helmet to her. “You never know. If you don’t want to do it for her, do it for yourself. This is your last chance.”
He waited. Again. The two of them stood there in the silence they were all too used to and then to his surprise, Nebula gently took it from his hands.
She held it in front of her, staring down at it with a clenched jaw. Tony couldn’t tell what she was about to do-- and he was partly worried she would smash it to pieces. But instead she turned around and walked back into the supply room. “Thank you.” Then the door closed, and Tony was left alone.
That was his cue to leave. Tony took a breath and turned back around, one hand still glued to the wall for support. After another short trek he made it back to the bridge and collapsed into his favorite chair, trying to feel some semblance of warmth in the pale light that enveloped his body. There was none, but if he tried hard enough he could pretend there was. This would all be over in a few hours. Nothing would change. The ship would still be floating aimlessly. The stars would still burn. Thanos would still have won. But he would be gone.
He drifted off to sleep in the starlight, possibly for the last time, and dreamed of Pepper just as he promised.