The rhythmic pitter patter of rain almost completely disguised the rapping on my window. I wouldn’t have noticed if I hadn’t seen the movement out of the corner of my eye. And what I noticed caused me to give a yelp of surprise as I saw a figure standing on my balcony. As dark as it was outside, I recognized exactly who it was.
Loki.
He rapped against the window again, looking rather impatient. I stood up carefully, stumbling when my leg reminded me it was asleep. I hobbled over to the window and opened it, a gust of wind fluttering the papers on my desk.
“May I come in?”
“I don’t think I could stop you,” I said, taking a step back. He walked in and I closed it behind the god. “Would you like a towel? Some tea?”
This was the man who had reigned terror down on New York City. This was the man who, at every twist and turn, wanted to find a way to stab my boyfriend. This was the man who was prepared to murder thousands of people. And I had just offered him my hospitality.
“Those would both be acceptable, thank you,” he said.
I grabbed a towel from the bathroom and gave it to him before starting on making the tea. “If you don’t mind me asking, why are you here?”
“Thor asked me to come talk to you.”
“He did? When did he manage to do that?”
“Not too long ago during one of my many...escapades,” he leaned against the breakfast counter, “he managed to find a quiet moment to have our usual brotherly talks. He proposed a deal, instead of him trying to take me in, he would let me go if I agreed to come talk to you.”
“That’s...nice of him.”
“Well, I am the closest thing to an expert that he is aware of on this kind of subject. So, go ahead, ask away.”
It was so weird, having an invitation to just ask him questions. “I...I don’t want to give you any dysphoria by the questions I ask.”
It was my biggest fear, my biggest hold up when it came to reaching out to others. I had trans male friends but I was too afraid to ask them anything. What if it brought back bad memories? It would remind them that their bits weren’t the bits that they wanted and I saw just how awful that feeling was. I didn’t know if my dysphoria was on the same level as theirs, cause, even though I didn’t like my bits at times, they didn’t like them all the time. I only felt not female half the time. They felt not female all the time.
And I couldn’t do that to them.
“I assure you, I am comfortable enough as who I am, as what I am, what I appear to be, and what I have that you will not make me uncomfortable by asking questions.”
I nodded, bracing myself. “Were you afraid to...come out?”
“I was. Odin was...is...a hard man. I felt comfortable enough with my mother, she was the first to know. Thor...was surprisingly okay with it all. He wanted me to be happy and was happy when I was happy, however I was.” He seemed bitter at it.
“Did Odin accept you?”
“He did, yes. I was his child in his eyes,” he said. “And he knew that I was me no matter what I looked like.”
“How did you come out?”
“I told my mother. And then I just...did it. I didn’t tell anyone, I shifted into one of my other forms. Thor, as dense as he is, recognized me. He treated me as he always did. Odin...father took some time to come around to it but he did. He thought I was just having fun, experimenting with my magic. But, in the end, he came to accept me as who I was...at least in that instance.”
“I see,” I said softly. I didn’t know what else to say. Loki had gone through a lot, good and bad. As explanations for his behaviour, they weren’t exactly excuses. It was so...weird to hear him talk about this kind of stuff.
He let the silence sit for longer than I was comfortable with before he spoke again. “Who have you come out to?”
“Just Thor...and I guess you.”
“Why haven’t you done so with the others?”
“I don’t know…” I poured us tea and passed him his cup. “I guess I’m afraid. But...it’s stupid, cause they would accept me, right? It’s not like they would hate me for it.”
“Then what stops you from telling them?”
“What stopped you from telling Odin in the beginning?”
Loki smiled at me. “Clever.” He blew on his tea, cooling it to his liking in an instant.
“How...easy is it for you to change for form?”
“Easy. I can change how I look as long as I am me. Male, female, both, neither, does not matter as long as I am me.”
“What advice would you say for someone who doesn’t have magic?”
He paused and looked at me, eyes narrowing. “Make up. A binder. Borrow Thor’s clothes...well, hm...he is a bit bigger than you...I would say try for Stark’s. That man does have an elf-ish build to him.”
I nodded.
The rest of the conversation was just as surreal as you think it would have. I talked to the god of Lies and he told me the truth. It was...it was an experience until he left. But here’s the thing. No matter what advice Loki gave me, it wouldn’t be the same. The god of Mischief could pass no matter what, no one would question. But someone would always question me, and that’s why I was so afraid to present as I wanted. And I had no idea how to express that to him. He didn’t have to worry because he could go anywhere. Be anyone.
But for me…
I was too ruled by fear.