All of my goodness is going with you now
Steve and the Howling Commandos went on mission after mission dismantling the HYDRA factories he identified on the map. They systematically went and destroyed each and every factory, rendering them useless, and raided the facility, bringing back with them an astounding amount of HYDRA weapons powered by the Tesseract for Howard, Natasha and their teams to study.
They were making good progress on the mission, significantly hampering Schmidt’s progress in weaponizing the rest of the German troops with his special weapons. All of this, plus the success of the Russians in thwarting the movement of the German troops on the Eastern front and the plans to storm France by retaking the beaches of Normandy, meant that the tides of wars are turning for the Allied Forces.
The British finally deployed the codebreaker machine Natasha and Turing worked on, significantly getting an edge on the Germans. The island hopping strategy employed in the Pacific War theater was also paying off. The Allied forces managed to drive back Japanese forces from strategic strongholds in the Pacific. The end of the war looked near.
Natasha walked back to her room in the barracks feeling paranoid and out of sorts. For the past few days, she felt like someone has been watching her every move. She was uncomfortable in her own skin, continuously feeling someone’s eyes on her and needing to look over her shoulder, expecting some HYDRA assassin to jump out of the woodwork to attack her.
She had even taken to sleep with a gun underneath her pillows. With Steve away on missions, she had to spend her nights alone. If she could manage it, she would sometimes opt to stay in lab. It had reinforced steel doors and someone was always working there. If she fell asleep on one of the cots they had over there, she wouldn’t be alone and if anything happen it would be easier to trigger the alarm if she were in lab.
Today was no exception. Steve and the Howling Commandos were away on another mission. They intercepted a communique about another weapons production facilities, this one was in a location that wasn’t included in the map Steve gleaned during the initial rescue mission. Their absence left her, Peggy and Howard on the base along with Colonel Phillips, his aides and other scientists. Along with them, a platoon of one hundred or so men were stationed there as auxiliary security forces and other supporting personnel. The presence of Captain America and his Howling Commandos led the Army to believe that the SSR headquarters were well-guarded as they were.
Natasha reached her room, entering and immediately locking the door behind her. She went for her bed, kneeling down to pull out the army issue cargo case she kept in her room. She had kept the presence of this particular item a secret from everyone, including Steve. And don’t think that hasn’t caused her some pain. But what she had here was dangerous, and if Steve knew of the existence of these items, he’d be even more of a target that he already was.
The cargo case was filled with items from her childhood, pictures of her late parents, a copy of her dissertation, all the letters Steve ever sent her, the amber earring that matched the pendant that was now in Steve’s possession and a second journal, identical to the one that she carried around with her all the time.
This second journal was the source of her trepidation and her paranoia. The contents of this journal was identical to the one currently in her possession, except for one big difference. In this journal, the correct schematic and design for the Tesseract stabilizer was laid out. In the one she carried around, the Tesseract stabilizer design was flawed, catastrophically so that if Schmidt or Zola tried to use it to harness more and more energy from the Tesseract, it would malfunction and triggered a powerful explosion that would easily bring down one of their facilities.
Natasha knew they were after her and after her designs. They must have realized that whatever they stole from her father’s lab was subpar and wouldn’t be enough to achieve his aim to weaponize the whole German Army with this magical weapon. Schmidt was a pragmatic man. If he couldn’t bring her back into the HYDRA fold, then he would just bring her works and her ideas back to the fold, regardless of her presence there. Which meant anytime soon now, an assassin would be sent to eliminate her, just like they did with Dr. Erskine.
Dr. Erskine’s super serum formula died with him. And Natasha would make sure that the secret to utilizing the Tesseract die with her. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. The world would never be truly safe if such a power like the Tesseract was allowed to be utilized. She purposefully made two journals: one with the correct design to leave with Steve for him to do as he saw fit, and another with the flawed design that she would make sure fall in HYDRA’s hands, a makeshift Trojan horse that would allow her to destroy them even after she’s gone.
Natasha had come to terms with the inevitability of her death. After all it was one of the only two constants in life. She had foolishly believe that she could evade HYDRA forever, lay low until the war was over, and she would be able to resume her life as an academic, maybe get a teaching position in some liberal arts college in New England away from all the drama of big city living. But Erskine’s assassination told her otherwise. It sent a message that she was never truly safe. No matter where she would go, or hide, they would always find her.
Meeting a small, skinny, handsome and courageous man named Steve at the World Expo turned her world upside down. She fell in love with him so fast, it made her head spin. Meeting him felt like discovering a part of herself she didn’t even know was missing, only when she finally came face to face with him did she realize, oh here you are. I’ve been looking for you my whole life. Steve was so good, so brave and a bright light in the empty darkness that had long been her life. He gave her a purpose, a sense of belonging, and knowledge that she wasn’t alone in this world. That Steve would always support her, always be in her corner and she in his. They were good together, and if only they had more time together, they would have been invincible.
Natasha wasn’t one to give in to flights of fancy. Before, she would have never said that she and Steve were destined for each other, fated to meet one way or another, be it at a random street corner, or perhaps on another day where the only thing they have to do was fall in love with each other over a cup of coffee.
But now, she knew in her heart of hearts that they were inseparable. In whatever universe where there was Steve, there would be Natasha. It would be different incarnations of their own selves but when they meet, one way or another, they would fall into each other, recognizing a counterpart, someone that completes them in the other.
Natasha took out a sheaf of paper and started writing. She wasn’t good with words, but she had to try this time, it would be the last letter she would be sending to Steve after all.
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“Well, that was a complete waste of time!” Bucky grumbled as he trudged all the way back to the rendesvouz point from his perch at the vantage point. “An empty warehouse. They sent us all the way over here to scope out an empty warehouse.”
Steve frowned in consternation, something about this whole mission didn’t sit well with him. From the way the intel abruptly came to Colonel Phillips via intercepted messages to the fact that they were greeted with a whole lot of nothing when they arrived at the target site, just an empty warehouse that used to be a HYDRA facility, and the fact that the warehouse was uncomfortably close to the SSR headquarters in continental Europe where they’re being stationed at right now.
“Let’s head back,” Steve commanded his men, “something doesn’t feel right about this.”
They started walking back, Steve leading the rank and walking at a faster pace than his men were comfortable with. They were panting and huffing trying to keep up with him, and Bucky had to tell him to “slow it down, buckaroo! Not all of us have super stamina!”
Halfway back, they managed to get reception back in their radio. Morita clamoring that they’re back on the grid and could get messages in and out now. That was another point of contention for Steve. Their communicator and radio were the best in the world, designed by Howard and Natasha Stark themselves. It was impervious to any signal dampening or sabotaging efforts, so how did it ever manage to lose contact with base? Unless base itself cut off the communication lines, which was unthinkable when they were on a mission.
“Jim, radio in. Check in with base, brief them on our situation and tell them we’re heading back.”
“Aye, aye, Cap’n.” Morita set about to do what he commanded, radioing in with the base and updating them on their mission status. The reply he got back shocked the Commandos, to say the least.
“Commandos, come in, commandos! Oh thank God, you’re back on the grid. We were under attack! HYDRA forces stormed our base!”
Steve and the rest of the Commandos went on high alert. Steve started running, sprinting across the forest in an effort to get to the base faster. Steve knew he was leaving the rest of Commandos but he couldn’t find it in himself to spare a thought to unit formation and cohesion. He had to get back, he had to get to Natasha. The amber pendant he wore around his neck suddenly felt heavy and pressing against his chest. His father’s compass, the one with Natasha’s picture on the cover, burned a hole in his pocket, pointing to his true north. He had to get to her, and he had to get back fast.
Steve burst through the forest near the SSR HQ, shocked and terrified at the scene before him. The headquarters was in disarray, smoke billowing out of buildings, fire still raging on different parts of the complex. Men were running around trying to put out the fire. Some of these men had bruises and and bloodstains on their uniform, but no open wounds.
When they saw Steve, a look of relief crossed their face and they called out to him, “Captain!”
“What happened?” Steve demanded.
“We don’t know, Sir. We were just patrolling around the perimeter, when all of a sudden a loud explosion rocked the ground, HYDRA soldiers started swarming in the base. We managed to fight some of them off, though some escaped.”
“Where’s Colonel Phillips? Agent Carter? What about the Starks?”
“They’re fine, sir. We saw them earlier. Colonel Phillips and Agent Carter fought with us. The Starks too.”
Howard and Natasha fought too? God, Steve prayed fervently that they’re okay.
“Where are they now?”
“In the infirmary, Sir, helping the wounded.”
“Thanks,” Steve made to leave the men, before something that’s been eating away at him ever since he saw the soldiers refused to be ignored, “hey, you two were in the fight, but I don’t see a scratch on you. How did that happen?”
The soldiers were wide eyed at his question, looking at each other before answering, “You wouldn’t believe us if we told you, Sir.”
“Try me,” Steve crossed his arms in front of his chest, emphasizing his large biceps.
“It-- It was Ms. Stark, Sir. She healed us.” one of the soldiers whispered out, “she put her hand on my shoulder, and it was bleeding Sir, but when she lifted up her hand again, the wound was closed. She did the same thing for Kent here.”
“She healed the cuts on my face from the grenade blowbacks.” the soldier, Kent, nodded fervently.
Natasha healed them...at the expense of exposing her secrets, she chose to heal other people, sacrificing her own safety. How many people has she healed?
“Who else did she heal? Just the two of you?”
“No, Sir.” they shook their heads, “everyone on base.”
Everyone on base knew of Natasha’s powers now. What was Natasha thinking, healing everybody on the compound, risking her own life, her own safety?
Steve thanked them and sprinted on his way to the infirmary. As he left the two soldiers behind, he heard the rest of the Commandos finally caught up with him, huffing and panting as they walked out of the forest.
When he reached the infirmary, it was crowded. Men were laid up on the beds, groaning and whimpering in pain. Some people were wounded, but many were well enough to help the medics deliver treatment and medicine to their fellow soldiers. Steve spotted Peggy and Howard on one of the corners of the room, Peggy applying a bandage on Howard’s forehead. But Natasha was nowhere to be seen.
“Peggy! Howard!” he strode over to them, relieved to see them unhurt, “you guys okay?”
Peggy nodded, “Just a scratch. Would have been more if--”
“Natasha healed you?”
Peggy looked bewildered, “Yes. How did you know?”
“I tell you some other time. Where is she?”
“I told her to get some rest. She insisted on healing everyone on base. She was looking a bit pale in the end.”
“Alright, thanks Peggy!” Steve rushed back out of the infirmary and to Natasha’s room. There were droplets of blood on the floor, leading all the way back to their room. Steve hastened his strides, walking faster to reach their room. When he got there, he immediately burst through the door, expecting to see Natasha sleeping or just sitting on the bed, anxious and upset that she had to rest and couldn’t do more to help more of the wounded.
What he saw was neither of those things. Natasha was collapsed, face down on the floor, a pool of blood underneath her. She seemed to be in the midst of reaching the bed, the quilt covering their bed was pulled down by her blood soaked hands, resting on the floor beside her.
“Tasha…” Steve’s whole body froze at the sight. His heart was racing and there was a pit in his stomach, gaping and empty, an overwhelming sense of dread welled up within him. It couldn’t be…
“Natasha, sweetheart,” Steve finally found the strength to move his feet, knelt down and lifted her body into his arms. Her eyes were closed, she looked just like she was sleeping, a sight Steve saw every morning when he first opened his eyes. Any moment now, she would be opening her eyes, greeting Steve with a warm smile and even warmer gaze. “Sweetheart, wake up. It’s the middle of day, you can’t be sleeping, sleepyhead.”
Steve heard himself speaking and his voice sounded wrong, his throat clogged up with sobs and gasps he refused to let out. Because none of this make sense, why would he be crying? Natasha was just sleeping. “Natasha, come on, wake up, sweetheart. Please...please…”
Behind him, he heard a gasp. Peggy. He sensed more people joining her, Bucky, Howard, his Commandos. But he couldn’t pay them any mind.
Natasha’s body was cold and limp in his arms, he strained his ears to hear the beat of her heart but no matter how close he held her body to his, he couldn’t hear anything, couldn’t feel the warmth she used to emanate. He grasped her cold hands in his warm hands bringing it up to his lips in an effort to elicit a reaction, but of course she didn’t return his grasps or react to his touch. She was cold now, everything around Steve was cold. Nothing in his life would ever bring any semblance of warmth or passion ever again.
Peggy was openly crying behind him. Her choked gasps and sobs highlighting the gravity of the situation. Bucky and Howard looked stricken in shock. The Commandos were speechless. Steve couldn’t do anything but curled up around the dead body of his beloved. Tears started to stream down his face, droplets of tears staining Natasha’s slack and lifeless face.
He failed. Steve failed her. He promised he would protect her, but he left her alone, foolishly believing she was under the protections of the SSR and the Army. But now she was gone, taken away from him too soon. Taken away before they even had a chance to build a life together, to realize all their hopes and dreams for a future together. And now, he lost his reason for living, his life’s purpose, and Steve felt himself falling deeper in despair. “Please don’t leave me…”
They buried Natasha a week later. The corporal who lowered her casket to the ground gave him the American flag that was covering her casket, Steve her grieving widower. Steve hasn't said a word since the day she died. He didn’t say a word during the funeral, he didn’t give a eulogy. He was numb. All he wanted to do was get inside her casket, and ask them to lower the two of them together.
Natasha might be the only buried that day, but in truth, two people died the day she was shot down.