He shouldn't be alive, not after everything, but there's no rest for the wicked neither was for him.
Cursed with knowledge
If sacrificing himself would bring back the people he loved he'd do it in a heartbeat heck he did that, but some cruel fate kept him alive long enough to break him.
The heart everyone claimed he didn't have was torn, broken and damaged without a chance for repair, but he didn't need a heart he needed his brain…despite everything his curse and blessing at the same time wasn't enough.
Death was a welcomed gift he thought he was finally ready to receive was taken away from him, melting in his hands like a snowflake on warm skin.
Always of you
For once in his life he was at peace with himself, knowing that death would be better than having to live with the knowledge of being the one who ruined everything, certainly less loud that the voice screaming in his head reminding him of every goddamned mistake he ever did.
His final words were a recording to Pepper a message that was supposed to give her as much peace of mind as possible, his heart ached when he imagined her tear filled eyes, but everything was better than a world without her.
Space
It was funny how the reason for his countless nightmares and panic attacks for every bad and good decision he made could look incredibly beautiful at the moment.
Beauty is deadly
Poetry was never something a man of a science like himself could understand, but there was something incredibly ironic and poetic realizing that his fear was long gone and how he could actually find something beautiful about the countless stars twinkling in front of him their presence soothing the loneliness in his chest.
If he looked hard enough, squinted a little bit his tired mind would find the faces of the people he lost trapped in the stars like they wanted to keep him company in his last moments.
Pepper, Peter, Stephen, Yinsen, his mother, Rhodey…even some of his previous teammates if his eyes were glazed enough.
Heck even as hallucinations they were able to calm his restless mind, to give him something to focus on and if he pressed his hand on the glass of the ship to get closer to them, well no one was around to see him.
When he closed his eyes just for a second, for a moment of relief he swore he could feel Pepper's gentle hands caressing his face and with a heart lighter than ever before he allowed for the dreamless night to pull him under.
The next thing he knew he was home, a wrecked, hurt and bleeding home but when he stepped on solid ground some of the weight on his shoulders lifted and he found hope floating in his soul like a lonely butterfly.
He should have known that hope was a dangerous thing, maybe one of the most dangerous things that could heal and destroy with a single word, but he still let it lift him up before it threw him down stepping over what was left of his scarred heart and soul.
I'm afraid that Ms Potts was one of the people who faded away
Snap
It took everything from him and there was no one to fight for, he was alone.
That single thought crashed through the exhaustion like a hammer and shattered everything that kept him standing so he fell on his knees as a scream ripped from his throat, a sound that echoed around him, the sound of a man who's lost everything in a blink of an eye.
FRIDAY was speaking, mentioning names but he was far too gone to understand them, his last coherent thought was
I hope I'm on that ship slowly dying in space
Next thing he saw was the face of a worried and looking too old for his age Rhodey, the question spilling down his lips before he was even aware of it.
“Pepper? “
One look was all he needed to get his answer as a sharp pain cut through him like a knife, he clenched his teeth to stop the whimper from escaping the realization that it hurt thousand times more than his open heart surgery stuck in his mind.
After that everything was pretty much a blur, he locked himself in his workshop and after he passed out from too much alcohol Rhodey forced him to listen. He had never seen him so angry and so desperate and he had a lot to say, they yelled too much, hurtful words thrown at each other to ease the pain they felt inside. They ended up crying on their knees before Rhodey pulled him in a tight embrace effectively calming the both of them.
The pain, the loss, the unbelievable emptiness that threatened to swallow him whole set a fire in his belly, an itch for revenge, a breathtaking need to fix things or die trying and just like that gone was the old Tony, the new one was calculating, cold and almost merciless. The new Tony was on a suicide mission and he wasn't going to allow himself to die before he did what had to be done.
Everyone was surprised by the dedication that bordered to obsession he showed but they were grieving so almost no one was shocked by the cold and empty look in his eyes.
All the emotions he felt before were a background noise easily ignored giving precedence to the anger that crawled underneath his skin, pricking his fingers like thorns consuming his thoughts.
Finally they took a stand and Tony promised to himself that he'd leave the mantle of ironman behind after everyone was back safe and sound.
His wish was granted, he did left ironman to rust away but no one came back, his efforts were useless, his hands as ruined as the rest of his heart and soul. It didn't work, Thanos was dead but even in death he mocked them for not being able to reverse what he did, Tony wished to be able to kill him over and over until he went mad so he wouldn't have to live with himself.
Ignoring everyone he left to destroy everything that connected him to ironman, the only thing his rage couldn't swallow was DUMM-Y and FRIDAY and a picture of Pepper he wore in a locket over his heart.
Then he disappeared leaving no trace behind.
He went to live in a place where the name Tony Stark meant nothing, where no one gave a damn about him, where he was a stranger and no one, where he was alone.
Technology brought him pain, his hands shook when a memory slipped through the cracks of his carefully built mind wall, the only thing he was good at was fixing cars, so he helped the local residents in any way he could.
They called him ‘the man with the sad eyes’ since he barely spoke to anyone, he quit everything that once brought him joy except for spending a day every month looking at the picture of Pepper and barely holding himself together.
Three years after his disappearing act Nat and Rhodey found him, but he refused to go with them and give another try only to fail again.
Tony Stark is dead, he'd say and leave.
Why wasn't he helping them?
Because of Thanos last words, the ones he couldn't say out loud the ones that burned his tongue and stabbed his heart, he knew the truth, it was pointless to try, they were long gone and they weren't coming back.
How he knew that?
He was cursed with knowledge after all.