Calling In A Favor
Dave gets in the van, buckles the seatbelt, and scoots as close to the door (as far away from you) as he can get, leaning his head against the window. He doesn't actually need to say that he doesn't want to interact with you for it to be pretty fucking obvious.
Which is understandable. And you can totally deal with that; you're not fighting the urge to at least talk to yourself if the kid doesn't want to talk to you. You're totally cool with sitting here in silence other than engine noise and the sound of cars passing—okay you're not fooling anyone, least of all yourself, Wade. Literally everyone can tell that the act of being silent is about to drive you batshit. The kid can probably tell, and he hasn't looked at you for the past half hour of driving.
Why are you like this, exactly?
Ooh, that's a complicated question. You'd love to answer it, you really would, but before you can even start your phone buzzes twice and starts playing the theme song of a certain guy who really needs to lighten up about the whole superhero thing.
Now how does he already know you've got yourself into trouble again?
Dave tenses when you snatch the phone out of the console; you make a mental note to curb the quick movements around him, for a while at least. You should probably make an actual physical note of it, but that'd take two hands, and you've got exactly none free right now.
Phone. Answer the phone.
"Hi there, you've reached the voicemail of the infamous Deadpool, leave your name, message and number at the sound of the tone—"
"You know that's literally never fooled me, right?"
"—beep!" Of course he knows it's you and not a recording. Probably because you've never in your life had your voicemail set up. "I'm driving."
"No shit, Wade. What are you even doing in Houston?"
"I'm not in Houston?" Yeah, he's totally going to buy that. You're the master of subterfuge. Definitely.
"Three separate people sent me video of you taking a dive off a building."
"Well, you see—"
"Which promptly blew up."
"...okay, so I was in Houston. I'm fine, by the way. Thanks for asking. You can tell Stark that nobody got hurt other than the guy I got paid for, if that'll shut down his freakout—"
"Oh my god. Stop talking."
You guess that you probably should do that, yeah. But then again... "I shut up for no one."
"One day you're going to say that while you're in webbing range and I'm so going to prove you wrong."
"Yep, and it's not gonna be fun or sexy at all. Wink wink."
"...I'm going to kill you."
"Ooh, fun!" Frustrating Peter is literally always the high point of your day, but at this point he's off track and probably won't get back on it unless you help out. Which is what you need to do, because you should probably get off the phone before you get pulled over for it. "Weren't you chewing me out for taking a hit in Texas?"
"Yes! I was!" There's the hilarious exasperation. For a second, anyway, before he goes dead serious. "You need to change vehicles."
"Shit." Okay, so you got spotted. Or the guy you acquired the van from decided to report it stolen even though you paid him for it. Dick.
"Hey, Tony would set you up with something that was actually legal if I asked him—"
"Do it." You absolutely cannot do the fuck-the-cops shit with Dave in tow. Too messy, too likely to get him hurt, too (you can't believe you're saying this) risky. "Where's the nearest pickup point to, uh—wherever the hell we are right now, I don't fucking know—"
"Wait, you're actually letting him help you this time?"
Okay, he doesn't need to sound that skeptical. Just because you don't really like (you really hate) owing that douche favors doesn't mean you never take shit that's offered. Well...maybe it does. "Yep."
"Who are you and what did you do with Wade?"
"Wow, rude?" But accurate! "I'm taking a break."
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"What is there to understand here? I'm going undercover. Or something. For a while."
"If I didn't know you, I'd think you were having some kind of mental crisis here." Pause. "Holy shit, are you? More than usual, I mean?"
"Oh my fucking god—that's not—" Ahh, he's about to freak out on you if you say this. You're going to just say it anyway. "There's a kid."
"A kid."
"Yeah, I kind of killed his brother. Or like, maybe his dad. I'm not really sure what's going on there."
"...and you turned this kid over to somebody who's capable of taking care of him, like you always do?"
"Uh...no."
"Oh."
"I'm taking him to New York. Probably. It kind of depends on whether the lady who hired me is a bigoted bitch or not. She might not be."
(Dave mumbles something that sounds a lot like stop talking shit about Rose. It's the first thing he's said since he got in the car.)
"She's probably not, but like. Just in case. It's a backup plan."
"What's a backup plan? You didn't tell me any plan."
Oh yeah, you should probably actually think about what you're going to do if you decide that Lalonde isn't someone Dave is going to be safe with. Or you can not do that. "Don't worry about it."
"...you have no plan. You're just going to keep this kid until you come to your—"
He's going to point out that what you're doing right now is batshit insane for you specifically. Time to cut him off. "I have no plan. Do you have a plan for me to get a car that doesn't have an APB out on it?"
There's silence again for a minute, long enough that you start to think he's going to just walk away from this particular clusterfuck. Then you hear him sigh.
"Keep driving, and I'll get Tony to have a car for you wherever you stop for the night. Don't turn your phone off."
"Got it. Tell him thanks for me." You never thought you'd be saying that unironically. "Bye-bye."
"Talk to you later."
Damn, you meant to hang up before he could say that. Now you just know you'll be sitting through an interrogation tonight. Fun.
Eh, it'll be fine. You drop your phone in the cupholder, and look over at Dave. "You good, kid?"
It's absolutely amazing how much this kid can convey with facial expressions, especially since he's got those shades on. For example, right now there's no doubt that he thinks you're a fucking idiot.
"Okay, stupid question, I get it." He's not good right now. Nope. Well, you might as well ask another stupid question. "How do you feel about McDonald's?"