I knew from the moment that I joined the Avengers that Steve Rogers was different. Captain America, ‘Truth, justice, and the American way!’ was not just an act with him, but it also wasn’t all he was. All of the Avengers have their baggage, God knows that I do, but from the start it was hard to pinpoint with Steve just what it was. Of course I knew his history; it’s hard not to when it’s portrayed everywhere, from museums to comics to history books.
Steve had gained a lot when they chose him for the super soldier program, but he’d also lost a lot; Bucky, Peggy, discovering what life was like after the war. I think people forget about that. Steve might be living in the now, but it isn’t his now. It’s foreign. Sure, it’s America, and who doesn’t love this country more than Captain America? But it isn’t his America. Every day I see him trying to make it his as he reconciles what he remembers with what is happening now. For awhile, he was doing well with that. It seemed like Steve Rogers didn’t have any baggage.
And then came the Winter Soldier, and everything changed.
I joined the Avengers shortly after I graduated from college. From the time I was a kid I had known I was different, but I’d kept it hidden. I avoided getting close to people and kept to myself, which worked for awhile. Getting hit by a car while saving a kid and being able to walk away from said accident isn’t exactly a situation where you can continue to keep your head down anymore. And it was obvious enough for Fury to come find me, but for awhile I refused. It didn’t matter what he threw in front of me, his recruitment failed. I didn’t want to save the world; I wanted to stay invisible and live my unremarkable life. Unfortunately, living in the digital age didn’t afford me that luxury. Video of me saving the little boy ended up everywhere; the morning news, splashed across newspapers, surfacing on the internet. No matter where I went, it followed me. Finally, I relented. There was no point in hiding something that everyone knew about.
I moved into the Avenger’s facility shortly after the incident with Loki. It was nerve wracking moving in with people who had quite literally just saved an entire city, hell, the entire world, when all I had been doing was watching the news and wondering how it would end. Although somewhat awkward in the beginning, I grew to love them all fiercely, and for the first time in my life was able to be myself without judgement. I grew closest to Natasha, but I found myself drawn more and more to Steve.
Captain America. It took awhile to wrap my brain around Steve being the same person as Cap. I had grown up learning about him, the enthusiasm he had in regards to serving his country, and the way he threw himself into not just promoting war bonds, but finding a way to get involved and actually fight. That’s the way the history books portrayed him, as if there was nothing else about Captain America except his patriotism. It was like Steve Rogers never existed. I hope I don’t sound too awful, but honestly…that part was kind of true. No one really knew Steve except for Bucky, and he was gone. All anyone saw was the Captain, the defender of the American way.
He was quiet at first. I didn’t go out on missions right away, I didn’t know enough about that aspect yet, but he often sparred with me, and if Natasha wasn’t there, would train me. He was the only one in the facility on a regular basis that was strong enough to take my punches without me having to hold back. It was often just the two of us, and over time I learned more and more about him.
We mostly talked about things he’d missed out on, and the list he kept whenever someone suggested something new. We got into the habit of having movie nights, and it was during those nights as we sat in comfortable silence that I realized there was more to Steve Rogers than Captain America.
Steve was quiet, but thoughtful and observant. He didn’t just jump into things, he looked at it from every angle before making a decision. Everything he did, everything he participated in, had to be legitimate. On occasion Fury would slip something past him, something not quite on the books, and Steve would get frustrated but he’d eventually let it go. On those days, the days where he was angry about the decision he wasn’t allowed to make, he was silent. Nat or Tony would try to get him talking, but he’d disappear instead, and I would find him on the roof hours later as he watched the sunset bathe Los Angeles in brilliant hues.
One night, he’d disappeared. Nothing in particular had happened, he’d just left the dinner table after a particularly snarky comment from Tony and no one had seen him since. I knew where he’d gone, and just as I suspected I would, I found him sitting on the roof as he stared at the swathe of blues and purples that was slowly fading into the night sky.
He looked up at me, his brilliant blue eyes sad and tired, “Hey.” It was quiet, so quiet I almost didn’t hear him.
“Hey.” I settled down next to him and we sat in the easy silence, watching as the stars began to appear across the blackening sky. I hated to interrupt such a peaceful moment, but I could tell something was wrong, “Are you okay?”
He shook his head almost imperceptibly. His voice, gravelly with emotion, surprised me, “I miss them, Y/N. I miss New York.” Them. Their names were unspoken but at the same time they were so loud it was almost deafening. Bucky and Peggy. He rarely spoke of them, but on occasion he’d tell me stories, especially about Bucky, and the happiness on his face would slowly fade as he remembered that he was gone. Buck had been all he had, until Peggy came along. I know that in his way he loved Peggy, though the time they had together was short. He visits her on occasion, and I can always tell when he has, but it’s different. Time has not been kind to Peggy Carter, and lately she’s begun to forget even Steve.
I sighed and looked over the field outside of the compound, dimly lit by the moon, “I know…” There wasn’t really anything else I could say, so I’d simply put my hand over his and we sat in comfortable silence, thinking about what we’d lost.
And that’s how it went. I don’t want this to be a story of how sad Steve was, because that would not be entirely true. What I want everyone to understand is that Steve was more complicated than people thought. He had lost everything; his best friend, his girl, his entire life. He was a man lost in a modern world, and he struggled every day to understand things that we take for granted. Let’s be honest, the modern world is not exactly kind, and though it might not have been better in Steve’s time, it was what he understood. But Steve was also funny and quick witted, kind and gentle. He did not blur the lines between right and wrong, and I could always look to him to keep us all honest.
And then Bucky came back.
It wasn’t truly Bucky. Physically, it was Bucky. Mentally, though, he was the Winter Soldier, and that’s when Steve began to realize it’s not always black and white. And when it was all said and done, when Steve and Buck fought and Steve refused to end it, there was a brief moment where Bucky remembered. At least long enough so that he could save Steve. And for that I was thankful.
But Steve was different after that. Although he didn’t talk much about it, he was constantly looking for Bucky. And then Sokovia happened. And then a year later, the incident in Wakanda. Peggy died, and although he didn’t ask me to go, I tagged along. Nat tried to get him to sign the Accords and he had refused. She had looked at me with pleading eyes as she left us in the church, and I knew then that I very likely held the power to convince him. But when he turned and looked at me, his eyes full of sorrow and loneliness as he said goodbye to the last person he had left from his old life, I knew I couldn’t do it. If anything, I’d be on his side of things.
I don’t want to say Steve changed when we finally got Bucky back. I think that the one person he felt fiercely protective of, the one thing that he had that connected him to his past, woke up this need to fight harder than he ever did before. He’d lost Bucky twice, and was determined not to lose him again. I can’t say I blame him, I’ve gone through my fair share of losing people, and when it came down to choosing between Steve and Tony…the decision wasn’t as impossible as I would have thought.
It was hard to see our family split apart. It was even harder to watch Steve and Tony fight until I was sure one of them would kill the other. I knew that Tony often gave him a hard time, was sometimes sorely bitter about the love his dad had for Steve, but deep down Tony loved him. I don’t think he understood how close Buck and Steve were, so this desertion, this betrayal with the man who had killed his parents, destroyed him. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the moment he looked at me as Steve helped Buck walk out of that room and he waited for me to make my decision. I closed my eyes, not able to face one of my closest friends, took a deep breath, and followed Steve. There was never a question in my mind what my decision would be, but it didn’t make it hurt any less.
Now here we were, hiding out in Wakanda and Steve had lost Buck yet again. The only positive part of that was that it was Bucky’s decision, and honestly, the safest place for him. I often found Steve sitting in front of Buck’s cryo tank. Sometimes he was quiet, sometimes he’d reminisce about their lives before. But he always ended it the same way: “I’m with you ‘till the end of the line.”
Today I found him with Buck yet again, silently staring at the tank. For the first time since we had arrived in Wakanda and Bucky had made the decision to be frozen again, I saw a tear roll down his cheek. I walked over and knelt next to him. “Steve?”
He looked up at me, his eyes tired and sad, “Y/N.”
I put my hand over his, “What’s wrong?”
He quickly wiped his eyes and cleared his throat, “Nothing, I’m fine. Just…I ummm…”
“Steve, you can tell me…you know that, right?”
His head dropped down as he took a deep breath, “They’re all gone. Peggy is gone, Buck is…well, he might as well be gone, we don’t know if or when he can be fixed. …I know I’ve been here for awhile, I should be used to all this modern stuff. And I’ve been trying. But I’m the only one left, and I just…I feel lost.” He looked up at Bucky and shook his head. “I don’t know how Buck did it, especially on his own. He didn’t even get much of a chance. I shouldn’t complain, I had the Avengers…I had you.” He looked at me, and my chest ached.
“I didn’t do much.”
Steve brought his hand up and I leaned into his touch as his thumb grazed over my cheekbone, “You did more than you could ever know.”
I smiled, “I did help improve your taste in movies.”
He laughed, “You sure did, doll.” He looked at me, the silence between us comfortable but at the same time deafening, then he slowly pulled me into him. His lips crashed into mine as he buried his hands in my hair and I gasped against him. Suddenly, he moved his hands down to my hips and lifted me onto his lap. He grasped at me almost desperately, and his tongue traced my bottom lip gingerly. Gulping for air, we both pulled back and looked at each other, chests heaving.
“Whoa.”
Steve smiled, “You bet your ass ‘whoa’.”
I looked at him with mock offense, “Language, Cap! Of all people!”
He laughed, and the sound was like music as it echoed across the room. He looked over my shoulder and blushed, “Probably shouldn’t do things like that in front of Buck.” His eyes lingered on his best friend, and I gently grasped his chin and made him look at me.
“We will fix him, Steve. We won’t stop trying. He wanted to do this and he trusts us to take care of it. I won’t stop trying, and neither will you.”
He nodded then kissed me gently on the forehead and shifted me off his lap, “We should probably go see if dinner is ready.”
I took his hand, “You’re probably right.” I paused for a moment, then looked back up at him, “You know I’m not going anywhere, right?”
Steve smiled, “Til the end of the line?”
I returned his smile and we began walking back to the living quarters, “‘Til the end.”