First crush
Ocean sat at Constance’s desk doing homework, or trying to, at least.
She’d had a lot on her mind recently, since the afterlife.
Obviously she felt guilty about what she said to everyone, but they all seemed fairly okay with her, which was good. She’d make it up to them, she knew she would.
She’d said some bad things to Mischa, Noel and technically Penny, but that should be easy enough to move on from.
Constance wasn’t as easy, but she was more understanding. When she and Ocean talked things out, it had taken hours, and there’d been tears from both of them, but they were okay now. Well, okay enough. Ocean still had a lot of making up for things to do, but she was working on it. She was willing to put in the work.
The one she really felt horrible about was Ricky, though. The things she’d said to him were not only awful, but completely ableist and unbelievably inappropriate. And when she hadn’t been a completely horrible person, she was still offending him by treating him like a child. Every time she thought about the way she talked to him, the fact she’d called him “sweetie”, expected him to be on board with everything she said, she cringed. It was horrible.
No matter how many times she apologised, it never felt like enough to make up for all of that.
And what made it worse were the other feelings she was having about him.
Because every time she thought about the way that he was in the afterlife, that confidence he had, his creative mind, all of the things she’d usually disapprove of, she got a weird feeling in her stomach. It felt fluttery and twisty and she’d never dealt with it before and her heart beat fast and then the guilt hit.
She didn’t deserve to feel this way about Ricky. Someone she was ableist to, someone she devalued.
And anyway, everything she liked about him was everything she would usually hate. All the thoughts she would banish from her mind, everything he’d talked about in the afterlife, it was all so wrong.
So why didn’t it feel that way?
She needed to talk to Constance. But she had no idea how to start that conversation.
“Ocean?” Constance started, and Ocean spun on the desk chair to look at her.
“Yep?”
“Are you okay?” Constance questioned. “You’ve been staring at that textbook page for eight minutes now.”
“You timed me?” Ocean asked.
“You were obviously zoned out,” Constance stated, nodding. “Something on your mind?”
Ocean considered. She needed to phrase this right, but she had no idea how. This was the sort of thing you talked to a best friend about, right? Boys?
Ocean had no idea, primarily because she didn’t know what this was. She’d never felt like this before.
“Yeah, kind of,” Ocean admitted, leaning forward and resting her head in her hands. “I have… feelings. For someone. And I don’t know what they mean.”
“Feelings?” Constance repeated, pausing the tv show she was watching so Ocean had her full attention. She looked excited. “What kind of feelings? And for who? Is it a crush?”
“I don’t know,” Ocean mumbled.
“Well, tell me about the feelings,” Constance suggested. “Maybe I can help?”
“When I think about him, my stomach gets all tight and twisty and fluttery,” Ocean explained. It felt good to finally talk to someone about this. “And my heart beats fast, even though he’s nothing like anything I’m supposed to like but-“
“You have a crush!” Constance grinned. “Who is it?!”
Ocean took a deep breath. She had to admit it, or Constance would probably tell her to do something about the crush and she couldn’t. Because Ricky probably hated her. He had every right to.
“It’s Ricky,” Ocean sighed, and she saw Constance’s eyes widen and her smile waiver. That was about the reaction she was expecting. “Yes, I know. He hates me. And I shouldn’t feel like this, but I do, and it’s not helping that I really need to talk to him and make everything up to him.”
“Yeah, you were an asshole,” Constance stated, bluntly. “But you don’t have to be one forever. Things can change. Maybe now you can focus on making things up to him and building a friendship, then see where it goes from there?”
Constance had a point. Ocean had been horrible to everyone, and the others seemed okay with her, and maybe Ricky could be too. Maybe they could be friends. Maybe they could be more.
“You really think that’ll work?” Ocean asked, and Constance nodded.
“I think it’s worth a try, if you really like him!” She smiled. “This is big news, Ocean! You’ve never had a crush before!”
“We should make a plan,” Ocean suggested. “Of things I can do to apologise to him. Or to make him like me. Or to make him happy.”
“That’s a good idea,” Constance agreed, heading over to the desk, where Ocean had already started writing a title for a list. “You could start by learning to sign?”
The two of them spent hours that night writing, planning, talking. It really surprised Ocean how much she enjoyed it. Turns out, having a best friend was pretty great.
And having a crush might not be too bad either.
Maybe this wasn’t completely hopeless after all.