Voiceless

“Why?”

Tony tensed and rolled his eyes. He knew exactly what she was asking, but she waited until he was both paperless and penless, and in a bubble bath with her, and he wasn’t even sure how they had ended up in such a small essentially enclosed space. No, he knew how, he knew exactly how, this was her way of testing his ability to speak to her, and at all in general, and if he knew her, which he liked to believe he did, she was about to begin her favorite, and his least favorite game of 20 Questions.

“Let’s see, where to start.” She nuzzled his shoulder for a moment then leaned against his back and let out a sigh before she began. “Steve Rogers, the guy, no, the superhuman asshole who nearly killed you three years ago in Siberia, then left you there, where you nearly bled out, and hadn’t spoken to you since - no, that’s right, he wrote you a sweet little nearly apology and gave you a phone in case you needed his help - stop me if you remember any of this - you let him in your, no, our house, and you made him an omelet.”

Tony turned in her arms and she bit her lip and looked into his eyes. “Sorry. I’m sorry. I am, I’m just trying to understand what’s going on in your head. I can’t even begin to claim to know what you must be feeling or thinking right now, but what if he had - I just got you home, Tony. And the world, well, the universe, I guess, is even weirder than I can even start to think about, and you either won’t or can’t talk to me, and the weirdest thing of all is that you don’t seem all that bothered by it. The old you would have been in your workshop, trying your hardest to understand what is going on with you - the old you never would have let Rogers within twenty yards of our driveway, let alone allow him to sit there at our kitchen table while you cooked for him.”

Tony shook his head, and got out of the tub, dried off, then slipped into his robe and picked up his pad and pen.

I’m not. I’m not bothered by it, and yeah, at first I wondered why I wasn’t bothered by it. You, of all people know I like to talk more than just about anything else, I love the sound of my own voice, but right now, it’s not there, I can’t make a sound, Pep. There’s just nothing there, my throat doesn’t hurt, I can hear fine, I just can’t speak. And I don’t care that I can’t. About Steve, yeah, I don’t know, I just needed to not talk to him. He just came to see - actually I’m not sure why he was here. I don’t think he wanted my forgiveness, or to apologize, he just needed to be sure I was in one piece. I think he wanted my help with something but was afraid to ask.

He stopped writing and laid the pen and pad down, then walked over to the tub and knelt next to it, and took Pepper’s hand in his and kissed it sweetly, then got to his feet and kissed her forehead, then left the room.

Sorry about last night. - T

Thought texting would be easier. And my hand is cramping up from all the writing I did yesterday. - T

I can’t tell you how I feel right now, because I don’t know. - T

All I know is that I’m done with being youknowwho for good this time. Honestly, I’m done. I tried, Pep. I tried so hard to do the right thing, after Afghanistan and I kept fucking it up, and I always made things worse. Strange said that this was the only way, but I don’t know what that means, and he said I would, eventually understand, but I was up all night, replaying everything, and I’m more confused now than when I started. - T

Pep? - T

Yeah, I’m here. Good thing we have unlimited data. - P

Kidding. I’m kidding, Tony. - P

I know. When I know what’s going on, I’ll tell you, I swear, I just need time, Pep. I know over the last ten years I’ve made you all kinds of promises, and broken them all. But this time. This time, I swear, I’m done with everything. - T

He closed his eyes as he saw Peter Parker’s smiling face on the security camera and dashed off another text.

It’s Peter, I told him he could come by and I’d help him with his homework. - T

Right. - P

Pep. Please he was there, on Titan, and he’s the only one who can help me put this together except Strange and he’s not available, as far as I know. - T

Yeah, let him in, I’ll make both of you a snack and you will eat. - P

He refrained from sending a response, then looked up to hear the elevator open then saw Peter enter his code into the keypad and walk into the workshop. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do now. Peter wasn’t dust on a distant planet, he was standing there in his workshop, as he had a few times a week for the last few years, ever since Siberia, and -

“Hey Mr. - sorry, Tony. How are you? Still can’t talk. That’s okay, I can talk enough for the both of us.” Tony grinned at him and pointed to his chair, the chair where just yesterday Steve had sat. Time was an odd thing, though he had known it vaguely before, he was suddenly realizing just how odd it truly was.

Peter sat down in his chair and wheeled over to where Tony was sitting at his monitors, and whistled when he noticed what Tony was looking at. “Titan.”

Tony nodded.

“Do you - I mean - I know it’s only been a couple days since I saw you, but do you know why -”

Tony shook his head.

“I tried to remember. The last thing I remember is not feeling well, and then everything hurt, and you tried, you tried to keep me from disintegrating, I could tell - damn. Sorry. Sorry - language, sorry for - I didn’t want to leave you there, I tried so hard to stay.”

Tony shook his head and grabbed a pen and began to write.

I know, Peter. I know. You shouldn’t have been there, but I don’t think I’d still be here now if you hadn’t been. As Strange would probably say it was the only way, I still don’t know what that means, I don’t know anything, except I can’t be Iron Man anymore.

Peter nodded as he read the note. “I know. About you not wanting to do it anymore. I get it. I’m just sorry it took me so long to get help to you. Luckily Steve is the one who found me.” Tony raised an eyebrow at him, and Peter went on as he reached into his bag and pulled out his Calculus book. “He wanted to know where you were. If you were okay. And I told him the last place I saw you. He - he was -”

What?

“He was sad more than anything. Like he had lost everything, but it wasn’t just that, it was like he was just tired.”

Yeah, I got that feeling too.

“You saw him?”

Yeah. Pepper’s mad because I let him in the house.

“Understandable, considering,” Peter said after a moment.

Yeah, I know. But I needed to, wanted to let him - I actually needed to talk, well, not exactly talk, but - get some stuff off my chest.

“Did it help?”

Yeah, I think so. Hasn’t helped me figure any of this out, but it helped with the old stuff. So Calculus, yeah?

“Yeah, piece of cake stuff, just needed a break from Aunt May. She’s cooking all my favorite food, and is trying to find ways to keep me from leaving the house, even thinks I should take time off from school for a while. But I need to get back to something normal, something real. Does that make sense? I don’t even know if it makes sense, but it’s all I know to do right now, and if I don’t have stuff to do, then I think about, you know.”

Yeah.

“Odd thing, though, when I try to think back - it’s like things are missing. I remember you, and the weird insect chick, and the wizard, but when I try to remember all the stuff that happened before the snap, things are just not there, like someone zapped my memory or something?”

Tony nodded. I think it will just take time, you can come over as often as you want, I’ll text May and let her know you’re working on a school project. Though I’m not sure you really want to remember everything. Not sure I want to. Maybe it’s just enough that we made it back, Peter.

“You don’t really believe that.”

No, and I wish I could leave it alone, but I can’t. I need to know, and not just because I think it’s why I lost my voice, but because I think it’s why I’m still here. But I need your help, Peter.

“You got it, Mr. - sorry, Tony.”