“No. NOO!” Y/N sits up in her bed she looks to her side. Bucky’s lying beside her sweating, his hand clasp into the fabric of the blanket. He’s lying still not moving an inch but his face. His face is a grimace made of fear, pain and angst. Suddenly he convulses and starts to shout. In a second Y/N is out of bed standing by the door. “Mommy?” Steve comes running to her, his sheep clutched to his chest. “Why is daddy shouting?” Y/N stares at Bucky for a moment who’s still shouting, then she crouches down beside him. “He has a nightmare. Don’t go near him okay?”
“But-“
“No buts, Steve. This is important. Do not go near him! Go and grab my phone. You remember how to call uncle Tony or aunt Nat?” The boy looks at Bucky who’s now starting to toss and turn in bed. Then he nods. “Great. Call both of them. Don’t let them wipe you off. Tell them to come here immediately.”
“Mommy.” Hectic she looks between Steve and Bucky. “Mommy. I’m scared.” Steve tugs at her nightshirt, tears building in his eyes. “I know, I know, baby.” She kisses his head, placing both her hand on his cheeks. “It's going to be okay. We just need Tony and Nat here. Can you call them for me?” Steve nods. “Good, good. You’re really brave.” Slowly he walks out of the room. Y/N turns around and lets out a breath she holding. “Okay. This is going to hurt.” Slowly she walks around the bed until she stands beside Bucky. “Bucky. It's okay. You’re fine. You’re home. No one is going to do anything with you.” She carefully places a hand on his shoulder. Suddenly his hand shoots up and punches her side of the face. She stumbles back for a moment, holding her cheek and staring at him. Fear rises in her. Her eyes wander to the door and back to the suffering man in her bed. His face still shows pain and that’s the only reason why she tries again instead of waiting for the others. She takes a step forward, again placing her hand on his shoulder. “Bucky, come back to me. Listen to my voice. Follow my voice and come back. You need to wake up.” She hears the front door and footsteps, hushed voices talking to a full crying Steve. Just as Tony steps into the room Bucky’s eyes fly open. In a second Y/N lies on the ground, he’s on top of her his metal hand around her neck. His eyes show no sign of recognition. “B-Bucky... St-p.” Out of the corner from her eye she sees Tony running to her. And then she can breathe again. She takes big gulps of air before looking around. Bucky is lying a few inches away from her. Tony standing beside him, a hand raised at him, covered in one suit hand, ready to fire. “T-Tony. Stop.” Her voice is a little scratchy but Tony still hears her. He looks at her but doesn’t put his hand down. “Y/N, you should go to Steve. He's asking for you and is really scared.”
“No.” She stares at Tony for a moment before slowly crawling to where Bucky sits up, face hidden in his hands. “Bucky?” She looks at him curious if he recognizes her now. “Do you know where you are?” She lays a hand on his metal arm, but he twitches back. “Don’t. Don’t touch me, Y/N.” confusion hits her for a moment. “Why not?”
“I'm dangerous.”
“You're not. You're just confused and afraid.”
“I hurt you.” Bucky looks up. He has angry tears in his eyes but all Y/N can see is the hurt in his face. “Y/N, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to...” His eyes wander from her reddened cheek to her throat which now takes on a bluish color. Her hand wanders automatically to her throat, but then she shakes her head. “Hey, hey. It’s okay. I’m fine, you didn’t hurt me.” She tries to reach out again, but Bucky slips backwards out of her reach. “No, you’re not. I hit you. I hurt you and I nearly killed you. I’m a monster.”
“No, you're not. You didn’t hurt me. You certainly didn’t kill me. I’m fine. I’ve got you back and that is all that matters. I’m fine. You see?” She pauses and gives him time to study her. “I'm not afraid of you. I love you and I know that you will never hurt me willingly.” She makes a pause again. Holding out a hand for him. “Okay?” Bucky stares at her hand before his eyes wander to Tony who now lets his hand sink and steps back a little. “How?”
“How?” She looks confused at him, still holding out the hand. “How can you know that I will never hurt you?” A smile shows on her face. “Why are you smiling?” Now Bucky looks confused at her. “Because you're silly. I just know that you will never hurt me if you can fight it. And I know this because I know that you love me. And it’s the same with Steve. Nothing will ever happen. Nothing to argue about, it’s just a fact I know.” Bucky stares at her, eyes scanning her face before he reaches out and carefully lays his metal hand in hers. She smiles at him before shuffling closer. “Come here.” She lays her hand on his back and hugs him carefully, giving him the chance to slip out of it if he wants to. He doesn’t slip away, but she feels how he’s reluctant to reply. It feels like minutes until she feels two shaking hands on her back. “It's okay. I’m here. I’m here.” She gives him a kiss on his cheek and draws circles on his back. Bucky hides his face in her shoulder. Now he’s full on shaking and Y/N can feel how her shirt gets wet on her shoulder. She hears Tony leave, to give them some space. After a few minutes of silent spoken words to calm him and drawing circles on his back he lets go of her. He looks at her for a bit before kissing her forehead, placing his on hers afterwards. “Be honest. How are you?”
“I’m fine. Everything is okay. How are you?” He’s silent and Y/N knows that she won’t get an answer to her question. Bucky has his hands on her cheeks, so she places her on top of his. “Steve is scared. He never heard you shouting like that. We should go out to him.” She feels Bucky tense. “I can’t.”
“Of course you can. He's not scared of you Bucky. He’s scared because he doesn’t know how to help you. And he wants to help you. Let's just go out there and take him in our arms. You don’t need to talk. Just show him that he doesn’t need to be scared anymore.” She kisses his lips before opening her eyes and looking at him. “Come, Bucky.” She looks him deep in the eyes. She knows that he’s still scared. She can feel it because he’s still shaking. But she knows also that Steve will calm him down. He nods slowly, so Y/N helps him up. She has his metal hand tight in her grip and even as Bucky tries to let go of her, she doesn’t. She holds it tight and draws small circles with her thumb on the metal. “It will be alright.” She gives him a kiss again and then makes her way into the living room, Bucky behind her. “Mommy! Daddy!” Steve hops from Nat’s lap as soon as he sees them. He runs up to Bucky who’s reluctant at first to touch the boy but eventually crouches down and hugs him to his chest. Y/N sees how he’s shaking again, and she has the feeling that he’s crying again. So, she lays a hand on his back and draws circles again. Her eyes meet the ones of Tony and Nat. They look a bit unsure of what to do. As Nat sees the markings on her throat and cheek, she points at the same places on herself. Y/N shakes her head and smiles. She takes a last look at Bucky and Steve, the latter patting his daddies head, telling him ‘there, there’ and ‘ill protect you’ s before she walks up to the two people on her couch. She sits down next to Tony. “Thank you for coming.”
“Don’t thank us. But why did you let Steve call us. You could have asked FRIDAY.”
“I know. But I needed him out of the room, because...”, She points at her cheek. “I don’t want him to see this. No kid should ever see their daddy hit their mom no matter for what reason.” Nat nods in understanding before getting up and vanishing in the kitchen. She comes back with a cold, wet rag and a few cups. In her other hand she holds a can with hot water, some teabags swimming in it. She gives Tony the rag who drapes it around Y/N throat, while Nat fills the cups with tea. “How’s he holding up?” She studies Bucky for a moment before she gives Y/N a cup. “He’s okay, I guess. He’s not ready to talk about it. But this one was bad. He never looked so… so… broken. What happened on the mission?” Nat and Tony share a look before both shrugs. “Guys. I know you’re lying.”
“Y/N I really don’t have a clue. The mission was an easy task. He came back fine. He didn’t show any sign of being uncomfortable or something like that.”
“But something must’ve happened. A dream like that, a reaction like that doesn’t come from nothing.” She looks back at Bucky. The man now let’s go of Steve, laying a hand on the boys’ cheek, kissing his forehead before taking his hand and walking over to them. He sits down beside Y/N, taking Steve onto his lap. The boy yawns and cuddles tight to Bucky. Y/N smiles at them and takes Bucky’s hand in hers again. “And now? You feel like going back to sleep?” Tony looks at them and Nat rises an eyebrow. One look at Bucky shows Y/N that he still haunted by the terror the nightmare brought, so she shakes her head. “No, I think this will be a night we stay up.” She turns around, taking a brief look at the clock on the DVD player. “But you should go. It's nearly 3 am.”
“No, no. Not happening. If you stay up, I do, too. Perfect timing for a movie night. FRIDAY order some pizza.”
“Okay, boss.” Y/N looks at Tony, then at Nat who nods. “You really don’t need to do this.” Nat waves her hand before pressing a cup of tea into Bucky’s and Tony’s hands. Tony mumbles something about needing a drink but Nat slaps the back of his head. “No alcohol in front of the kids.” She looks at Steve. “Even if they’re asleep. At least one of us gets some.”
* * *
The next few days go by without any unexpected happenings. Just one. Bucky won't sleep. He refused and now everybody feels it. He’s snappy without any reason and gets angry more quickly that before which Sam has to find out at first. Y/N sits in the common room with Nat, drinking a cup of coffee and talking about a mission she will attend to with Steve as soon as he drops again. That’s until the spoken of comes running into the room. Steve looks around before he finds Y/N and walks up to her. “Mommy?”
“Stevie? Where’s Bucky? Didn’t you two want to go to the park?”
“We did, but…” The boy trails off and looks down at his feet. Y/N looks at him closely. She sees that he’s in fact dirty which is a prove that he played outside for a while. “What is it Stevie?” She sets down her mug and looks expectant at him. “Why is daddy not dropping? You said that he would do that if he’s scared.”
“I did.” Y/N sighs. “I don’t know why he’s not dropping Steve. He probably thinks he can handle this. Do you wish for him to drop?” Steve nods before looking up again, an uncertain expression on his face. “Because I’m scared.” His voice is small and Y/N and Nat need to listen closely to understand what he had said. Their eyes met, confusion in both their faces before Nat asks the question. “Why are you scared?”
“Because...” Steve looks around as if he looks for someone before speaking again. “Daddy is mean. He shouts at me for being dirty and noisy. I wanted to play, but he… but he got angry.”
“Did he do something?” Nat sits up straighter and Y/N feels herself getting angry at Bucky. “No. He just got loud.” Steve tugs on Y/N’s arm, eyes watering. “Mommy, does daddy not love me anymore? Did I do something wrong?”
“No, Stevie, no.” Y/N can practically feel her heart breaking. She pulls Steve on her lap, stroking through his hair. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re a good boy. Daddy is just stressed. He wasn’t able to sleep and that makes him get angry a bit too fast. But it's not right for him to shout at you. I know that he loves you. Okay.” Steve nods. Nat looks at him for a moment before she suddenly stands up. “That’s it. That’s the last thing he pulled. First, he hits Sam, then he goes around snapping at everyone and now he shouts at Steve for no reason. I’m going to kill him.” Y/N quickly grabs her hand and shakes her head. “Nat, no. I’ll talk to him, later. I’ll get him to sleep.” Nat looks at her, then at Steve. “Fine. But don’t expect me to be nice to him for the next days. And don’t expect me to hold back if your talk doesn’t make it better.” Y/N shakes her head. “I won’t.” Nat nods than she walks out of the room. Y/N looks at Steve for a moment. The boy looks up at her, worry in his eyes. “Mommy?”
“Sorry Stevie.” Y/N forces a smile on her face kissing his temple. “I think I have to discuss something with daddy.”
* * *
“Bucky? You there?” Y/N steps into their apartment, eyes flowing over the furniture. “Yeah. What’s up. Where’s Stevie?” Bucky sits on the Sofa reading in the newspaper Y/N had brought this morning. “I left him with Sam.”
“Oh, ok.” Bucky doesn’t look up once so Y/N steps up to him, pushing down the paper. “What…”
“We need to talk.” She looks stern at him. Confused he slowly folds the newspaper. “Okaay. I’m listening.”
“Steve said you shouted at him. Why?”
“Because he kept nagging me about playing with him. It got on my nerves but I apologized.” Y/N nods, still staring at the man. Dark bags had formed under his eyes, and she could see that he is tired. “This can’t go on like that.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that you have to sleep, Bucky.”
“I don’t. I’m fine. It’s been just a few days. I napped just an hour ago.”
“Bucky, please you need to actually sleep. It's been three days now and naps won’t help you.” Y/N sits down beside him taking his hands in hers. “I don’t need to sleep, I’m fine.” Bucky's voice gets a little louder, and he rips his hands out from hers, standing up and walking up and down behind the sofa. Y/N turns around to look at him. “You’re not. Your tired Bucky. I can see this. Hell, even Sam is concerned about you. Just think of what Steve would say if he were an adult right now.”
“But he isn’t. He’s not here.”
“No, and that’s why you have to listen to me. Go to bed. Try to sleep. You need it.”
“I DON’T NEED IT.” Bucky is full on shouting now. He glares at her before speaking in a rather calm voice. “I don’t need to sleep, I don’t need Steve’s advises and I don’t need you to tell me what I need and what I should do.” Y/N is shocked for the first moment. Then she nods. She stands up, walks into the kids’ room, grabbing a few clothes from Steve and his sheep before walking into hers and doing the same. She shoves them all into a bag before stepping out into the living room again. “What are you doing?” She turns and glares at Bucky. “You said you don’t need any advises, be them from Steve or me. So, I guess you don’t need us at all at the moment. I’ll go and sleep at Nat’s with Steve for a few days. At least until you figure out that you’re being a jerk and should start to listen to me.”
“Y/N, come on. That not what I meant.”
“Maybe not, but it’s the only thing I know will get your mind right. Don’t expect us to be home tonight.” With that she turns around and leaves, leaving a confused and angry Bucky behind. Just as she knocks at Nat’s door she considers if her decision is right. Nat opens the door and looks at her. “What happened?” Y/N shrugs, feeling her eyes burn. “We fought. I left until he gets his mind right. I told him Stevie and I would sleep here.”
“Of course. Come in. Where’s the little guy.”
“He’s with Sam.”
“Are you alright?”
“No, I’m not.” Y/N sits down on one of Nat’s armchairs, hiding her face in her hands. “But I have to be strong right now. For Steve. And for Bucky. They both need it right now.”
“No, Y/N.” Nat sits on the armrest, laying a hand on her back. “Even as a mom you don’t have to bury you’re feeling. This is destroying you. It’s not healthy. Listen. We order some pizza or some Thai, whatever you want. Then we build a fort with Steve, watching movies all night until we’re too tired to switch the DVD’s, okay?” A small laugh escapes Y/N. “Okay.”
* * *
Its far past midnight as a knock on the door lets Y/N and Nat look up. Steve is cuddled up to Y/N, sleeping like a boy of three should be. Nat throws one look at Y/N before standing up to open the door. She hears her talk and listens. “What’s are you doing here?”
“Is Y/N here? Can… can I talk to her.”
“No.”
“Nat, come on. I’m sorry. I want to apologize. She was right.” Y/N didn’t listen further. She carefully extracts herself out of Steve’s grip and walks up to the door. She lays a hand on Nat’s shoulder. “It's okay. He gets five minutes.” Nat throws a look at her before glaring a last time at Bucky, which makes him step back a little before she turns around and goes back to Steve. Y/n looks at Bucky for a moment. “Five minutes. I’m listening.” Bucky looks at her stepping from his right to his left foot. “Times running, Bucky. You better spit it out.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. You were right. I didn’t believe that you would actually leave. I was a fool. Please, come back. I try. I’ll try to sleep, just for you. But please don’t leave me.” Y/N looks at him. She studies his face. Then she rises a hand laying it on Bucky cheek. He immediately takes it kissing her palm. “I’m glad you came to your sense again. But I won’t come back.”
“What?” Bucky looks up, his grip tightens on her hand, fear in his eyes. “But…” Y/N lay the finger of her other hand on his mouth. “Steve’s asleep. I’m not leaving him alone here. Tomorrow. We’ll come back tomorrow.” Bucky takes in a deep breath before he nods. “Okay, tomorrow.” He looks her deep in the eyes laying his head against her forehead. “I’m sorry. I love you.”
“I love you, too. Go home. Do what you need to do.” Bucky nods before he tries to turn around. Y/N grabs him at the collar, tuning him around and kissing him. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” Then she closes the door, returns to Steve, cuddling up to him. She strokes the hair out of his face. He makes a small noise. Y/N smiles at that. “We’re going home tomorrow. Daddy got his sanity back.”
* * *
“Okay, hop on you two.” Y/N pats the mattress of her bed. Steve’s the first one to crawl under the blanket, pressed against her, while she sits popped up against the headboard. It’s the middle of the day, but Y/N decided that it’s the perfect time to do this. Steve has to nap and Bucky can’t hold on for any longer. The brunette slips in on Y/N other side. She places the blanket over him as he lays his had on her lap and stroking Steve’s cheek over her lap with his metal hand. “Tell me. Why didn’t you try before?”
“I was scared. I didn’t want to dream and maybe hurt Steve this time.” She lays a hand on his head stroking his hair out of his face. “You could have told me. It would have been a lot easier.”
“But that would have meant talking about the dream, wouldn’t it?”
“No. Not until you were ready to talk about it. I would have helped you sleep.” Bucky closes his eyes and hums. He still stroking Steve’s cheek. The boy is almost asleep. “Good to know.”
“Now then. Get comfortable, stop speaking and listen.”
“Listen to what?”
“Me.” And then she starts singing:
“You Are My Sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.
The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.
You Are My Sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.
You Are My Sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
Please don't take my sunshine away.”
While she sings, she feels Bucky relax, she keeps stroking his hair even as he’s fast asleep, a smile on his lips. She suppresses a laugh as he lets out a snore, then she leans forward and kisses his temple. She looks at Steve and does the same. “Good night you two. I love you.”
For the first time in four days, it is the most peaceful moment that Bucky seems to have. And she’s glad. This will be the best sleep he ever had.