Bucky doesn’t know what time it is; he hasn’t seen the sun in days. He hears the noise of the huge metal doors being opened and the light that comes from the outside hurt his eyes. He knows that it’s going to happen again: he knows they’re coming and they’re going to hurt him. And somehow, he also knows that’s all because of him.
They torture him. Everyday, men in black without showing their faces come and take them to the dark room, where they begin the horror show. They want him to tell everything, every one of his moves. But truth is Bucky doesn’t know shit. He can’t even open his mouth.
“Report mission.” Bucky hears a voice asking. But he doesn’t know the answer. The mission doesn’t matter, because Steve is safe now. And he remembers everything. Steve, Brooklyn. All of it. And then he feels the stab. The pain initially in his head spreads all over his body. He feels dumb, but he’s still there. The metalic taste in his lips, the blood dripping from his mouth. “Where the hell is he?”
“I bet water will make him speak.” One of them says in an evil laughter and takes him by the neck, sinking his head on the water tank in front of him. It’s always like this. First the punches. Then the water tank. And finally, the chair. But from all of the damages they have caused, the water had become the one Bucky likes the most. Madness had forced him to find relief in small things. And there, deep in the icy water, he finds a silent place to think of Steve.
He is lying next to Bucky in a comfortable bed, with incredible white sheets. That’s their first night together, but it’s almost downing and the morning light starts to fill the room. But not even the sun could shine as bright as Steve smile while he stares Bucky’s blue eyes.
“What?” Bucky asks, pulling his body closer. And he doesn’t need to answer, Bucky aknowledges in his eyes what he would call ‘peace of mind’, something that they only feel when they’re together. Bucky is about to touch Steve’s face when his torturer pulls his head out off the water, bringing him instantly back to reality, with his head and body aching, and that rude voice asking over again: “Where the fuck is him?”
Bucky is dizzy, but it’s what holding your breath for so long does to you. A punch right under his left ribs causes him to spit more blood. He remains in silent and for the joy of his sick and broken mind, the man sinks his head in the water again. With his eyes closed, he holds his breath to find Steve again, now with his head lying on his bare chest, his fingers touching his face with all his kindness. Bucky doesn’t say a word, he just enjoys the silence, listening to their calm breaths mixing and his heart being warmed. His blue eyes are now connected with Steve’s and their rosy lips are about to touch in a kiss, but he’s breathless now and water is dripping from his hair.
A clenched fist hits his face and he’s hurled to the ground. His ribs are brutally kicked, but he doesn’t feel pain anymore. His body is numb, and the torpor on his mind only allows him to think of Steve and wonder when he’ll show up and save him. Are you looking for me? Will I be alive when you come?
He wishes he’s not. Maybe death will be his only salvation. He knows there’s no cure for what they have done to his brain. But he also wants to touch Steve’s face one last time.
“Enough. This bastard won’t say a word.” Bucky barely hears it echoing in the dark room. “Take him back. Wipe and restart.”
He feels hands grabbing and dragging him out of the dark room.
“Tomorrow we’ll start plan B.”
And this is the last thing he hears. He doesn’t know what exactly the plan is, but he knows there’s something to do with the other room. Not the dark one. No. This one is illuminated and Bucky recognizes it. It’s familiar. He had been here times before.
He’s sitting in the chair. His fists are wrapped by metal clamps, even though he gave up fighting a long time ago. Some thing tightens around his head and he feels his brain squeezing. He tightens his jaw against the piece of metal they put in their mouth, in an useless attpemt to restrain the pain. And finally, he closes his eyes.
Steve. They’ll take Steve away from me again. They know the Winter Soldier is not that lethal when it comes to Steve Rogers, the Captain America. And that’s why they’ll take it away from him.
Bucky fights with every fiber of his body to cling to those memories. He tries to access them somewhere in his brain and keep them forever. But the button is pushed before he can even touch Steve’s face one last time and everything goes blur. The last thing that crosses his mind before he turns off is how many wipes will it take for him to just scream instead of screaming for Steve.