Steve woke up from a nightmare, shivering and covered in cold sweat, desperately searching for air. He felt his lungs compressed, as if he had gone to bed with something really heavy on his chest.
He had a nightmare about the two most important people in his life: there was Bucky falling from the train, but in the meanwhile the figure of his best friend mixed with the one of his lover, until it was Tony Stark who was falling without his Iron Man’s armor.
He knew it was just a bad dream, he had them since the loss of Bucky. Being a super-soldier helped, because he didn’t need to sleep every night, so he could have avoided frightening memories. It went better through the years, of course they still were in war, but at least he moved on from that particular guilt.
Then, he woke up one day and he discovered he slept for almost 70 years, and everything started again. His nightmares were full of water, strange technologies and aliens. Often they came all together, even if he slept once every four days and not for many hours.
Tony saved his life in more than one way: first driving a nuclear missile through a wormhole, then giving him a home and his first real family of the 21st century. Well, he should have been grateful also to Nick Fury for the Avengers, but everyone knew that without Tony’s kind heart and generosity, they would have been apart.
When they fell in love, Steve’s nights became a beautiful place where to find safety, because he was able to fall asleep in Tony’s arms, or with him in his own. He started to have good dreams instead of bad, even when his boyfriend spent the whole nights in the workshop.
He knew that also Tony had trouble sleeping, and he worked almost all twenty-four hours to avoid dealing with his subconscious. Steve understood it and tried to put the least pressure on him, taking care of the man by providing him food and exhausting him under the sheets until he became useless for anything else outside the bed.
It took a lot of time for both of them to work on their issues, and they made it, because they were together. They learnt to trust and to stand up for each other, they communicated and of course they still had fights from time to time, but at the end of the day the always kissed and wished goodnight, knowing that it would have been really good.
Sadly, peace and quiet didn’t last long. Tony had as many enemies as Iron Man, and one particularly dangerous showed up just when he and Natasha found the first trace of the Winter Soldier. They destroyed a part of Washington, while Tony and Rhodes saved Pepper and the President, and the nightmares returned.
He wanted to keep Tony safe with all his heart, and the reality slammed in his face that the dangers were waiting for them, just around the corner.
At that point of their lives, his bad dreams where full of people falling, and falling again, and he was so helpless that he always woke up in the middle of them feeling at the edge of a panic attack.
They both established a routine for nightmares: Steve had to think only to good things, one at a time, while taking long breaths. He did it, like all the other times.
He thought about Bucky, and remembered that he was safety asleep with Natasha, in their Tower’s floor. They found Buck not long after Washington’s event, and Tony and Bruce worked really hard to remove everything that HYDRA put inside his head to control him. Steve could have never left Bucky in more trusted hands.
Tony offered him to live in the Tower as well, and of course the genius tried to act like it wasn’t a big deal. He still thought that buying a whole new wardrobe, providing Bucky with the newest Stark Industries’ technologies and improving his artificial arm was something normal, because he was a nice host. Steve knew better, and he showed gratitude tp Tony also from his best friend, repetitively.
After he was calmer about his best friend, he thought about the love of his life and searched for his personal light. Since he got up and he was sitting on the bed right next to Tony, he turned to see the glowing blue light of the arc reactor. He was used to search it as first thing, because it was the symbol of Tony’s safety and that he was there with him.
Sometimes, he wasn’t able to fall asleep without making sure that the light was the last thing he saw before closing the eyes. Tony mocked him, but he also slept without a top, and on his back, or at least not in any position that could have covered the glow.
Steve was so used to it, that when he didn’t find anything, he didn’t realize the weight of Tony on the mattress, he just thought that probably he was still in the lab.
Then he remembered having one of the best date out with Tony, that concluded with both of them very naked and, after, very exhausted. They had incredible sex on most of the conceivable surfaces of the penthouse, and Steve used the last energies to change the bed’ sheets with fresh ones, because Tony deserved a good sleep in a clean bed. As always, it has been fun and a bit frustrating, because a post-orgasm Tony meant a totally useless man that didn’t move any muscle on his own.
His brain processed in less than one second that Tony was indeed in their bed, but the room was too dark for him to be fine.
«Tony» He whispered, and he didn’t recognized his own voice, which sounded broken.
He found his body with his hands, it was warm and real, he was also able to hear a little snoring that sounded more like purrs. But without the light of the arc reactor, all he was able to thought was that something was really wrong with Tony. He felt danger, and he didn’t like it at all. Even less when he reached Tony’s chest, and there were only scars.
He felt something break inside himself, like when all the TV news reported Tony’s possible death due to the Mandarin’s attack.
Here we go again, he thought, and he didn’t realize that he was calling Tony’s name again and again, with a more loud voice. He was also shaking him, with his trembling hands - he was all shaking, but he was focused only on the genius.
He knew that Tony was a heavy sleeper, but he was too nervous to remember it. The blue glow was off, and it was that light that kept him alive. Without the arc reactor, the shrapnel shards would have reached his heart and killed him.
It can’t be, it can’t be. He was fine, he kissed me goodnight. I kissed him, and held him so we'd have slept much tighter.
«Tony! Wake up!» He screamed one last time.
Tony abruptly snapped out of sleep with a gasp, and it was possible to see the fear in his eyes, because the room was suddenly illuminated with mood lighting.
Steve run out of air and froze, while Tony got up and searched for possible threats. When he didn’t see anything wrong, he turned to Steve and found him really pale, covered in sweat. His whole body was trembling and he was watching Tony as if he was the most absurd thing in the world.
«Hey, hey, Steve breathe. Honey, came on.» He rushed back on the bed and he cup Steve’s face with his hands, sliding one of them through his hair, that were practically wet, to pet them.
«Breathe for me darling. Yes like that, take long breathes. Inhale deeply and breathe out. I’m here with you.» He talked to Steve for the next minutes, trying to reassure him, with a calm and soft voice.
It wasn’t the first time that Steve or himself woke up scared, and it wouldn’t be the last. They weren’t used to it, but at least they knew what to do and how. Steve needed to feel him, and to listen to his voice.
«I’ve got you, my love, I’ve got you.» He said, very fondly. Seeing Steve like that hurted him every single time: he was supposed to be the strongest and the bravest of them all, not vulnerable… not scared, and certainly not shaken and anxious. However, Tony was fully aware that nobody had to be nothing but theirselves, and he loved Steve completely, even when he was afraid. He just would have preferred him to be always happy, satisfied and protected.
When he felt Steve relaxing, he stopped talking and kissed him lightly on the forehead, where he paused for few seconds.
«Better?» He asked sweetly, and Steve nodded a little too quick.
Then Tony slid his ands over Steve’s neck, caressing his shoulders and down on his arms. He stroked his exposed skin and went back up again on his face, where he gently press a thumb on his bottom lip and he searched for his eyes.
«Wanna talk?» He asked in a soft voice, when he felt Steve’s breath stabilize. It was no time to show his worries, his boyfriend needed him to be strong and solid for both of them. It always was such an honor to be someone on which Steve could count on, it made his skip a bear every time he realized that.
«Your- Your arc reactor,» Steve’s dry throat made him sound even more exposed. «It’s gone.» He whispered, lowering his gaze.
«Yes, sweetie. I had surgery three weeks ago, they removed it and the shrapnel shards. Remember?»
He didn’t. He did.
«When I didn’t see the light, I thought… Thought that you were in danger.» Steve sighed and reached for Tony’s hand, to interlace their fingers.
Tony seemed surprised at first, then he smiled and lay down, bringing Steve down with him. They bot lay on a side, with their fingers still interlaced. JARVIS turned down the lights, but they was still able to see each other in the eyes.
Steve was surely calmer, more relaxed, and Tony looked at him with extreme tenderness.
«I’m fine, more every day. I should have knew that you’d miss it more than I do.»
«It was just a reflex. You know I’m happy that you had it removed, right? It was the right decision.» Steve said, brushing his thumb on the back of his hand. He tried to smile, but the moment his head touched again the pillow, he felt the exhaustion get back again.
«I know, but, uhm…. You got used to its light. I’ll think about something to help, ‘kay?» Tony slurred the last word.
Steve nodded, and brushed his lips with Tony’s before to actually kiss him. It was only a light touch, but it was enough to send all his love to his boyfriend.
«Yes, thank you. Tomorrow sweetheart, I can hear your gears working already.» Steve giggled a little and Tony rolled his eyes at him.
«Tomorrow.» He promised, leaning over to steal another kiss.
*
When Steve went in their bedroom the night after, he found a present on his nightstand. It was red, with a flashy gold ribbon on the top. There wasn’t any card, but of course it was from Tony, he was always so subtle.
Steve opened the present, and it took his breath away for few instants. It was an arc reactor, slightly different from the last one that Tony created for himself, but he would have recognized its light and shape in every way. It wasn’t just that: half of the top of the tool was covered with a plaque that didn’t hide the vivid glow, and it was painted as half of his shield.
It's perfect.
That night, Tony found his boyfriend curled up on their bed, with his gift next to his head on the pillow. He wondered how Steve was able to sleep with the glowing blue light directly on the eyes, but actually, he slept in stranger places.