“The sun isn’t even up yet and you want me to do what?”
It was a miracle really that Lilith had managed to even convince Beatrice to meet her here, the lights from the gym muted in their refuge under the bleachers. She’d woken up early and roused a very annoyed Beatrice out of the bed next to hers, begging her to meet her in the gym before classes.
Now they sit, their knees pressed together in the small space. From here Lilith can see every weakness in Beatrice’s form. The tired lines just underneath her eyes, the way her shoulders tighten, sitting impossibly straight even in this cramped position. Beatrice’s voice is whispered, harsh against the quiet hum of the electricity in the fluorescent lights above them.
“Oh come on, Beatrice. It’s just practice. It doesn’t mean anything.”
She watches as Beatrice’s eyes widen only minutely and a soft flush appears across the freckles scattered along her cheeks. She looks almost ridiculous, like a deer caught in a headlight and under any other circumstances, Lilith might have teased her for it.
But right now, anxiety is coiling through her own chest and she tightens her fists at her side to stop her hands from giving away how nervous the request is actually making her feel.
“But why do we have to practice kissing?”
Lilith can feel the back of her neck prickle with heat as images of a certain sixth year girl with gorgeous skin and a teasing smile flash across her mind. It’s a fair question but she can’t bring herself to admit the truth, that she’s never kissed anyone. The thought of actually admitting that she’s bad at anything, let alone something so simple, is mortifying. So she just shrugs.
“Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it, Beatrice. You’ll meet a man, or someone one day, and you’ll be grateful for the chance to practice.”
The way Beatrice wrinkles her nose at the thought is almost enough to lighten the nervous weight on her own chest and she has to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from smiling. She doubts very much it will be a man who steals Beatrice’s heart one day but it isn’t Lilith’s place to say so. Instead she nudges Beatrice’s knee with her own. “Come on, I never ask you for anything. And if you help me with this I swear I’ll owe you. Whatever you want.”
The nervous knot loosens ever so slightly when Beatrice rolls her eyes and finally gives in with an exasperated sigh. “Fine. But you have to stay with me during break next week?”
Her voice falters at the end, as if she isn’t sure for a moment that Lilith will agree. Which is absurd, really, because it’s such an easy request. She’s no happier at home than Beatrice is. “Deal.”
“Okay. How-how do we do it?”
The question takes her off guard and for the first time Lilith’s resolve almost disappears. It had seemed easy before when she was imagining the scenario in her head. Practice with Beatrice had seemed a lot less daunting than asking Lucia straight up for a date. But now Lilith falters, considering Beatrice for a moment before finally huffing out an annoyed breath.
“I think we just need to go for it.”
Beatrice nods and then squeezes her eyes shut, her face scrunching up in concentration as she freezes. Lilith only rolls her eyes and leans forward, closing the small distance between them in a fluid motion. “Geez. I’m not going to bite you. Relax.”
The words are murmured for just an instant before Lilith closes her eyes too and presses her mouth against Beatrice’s, lingering for one brief, chaste moment.
Beatrice’s lips are chapped and the small touch tickles against her own before Beatrice is pulling away, her eyes flying open.
“How was that?” Her words are rushed and another bright flush dusts across her face. It occurs to Lilith that Beatrice must be as nervous as she is.
She only rolls her eyes to hide the mirth just lying under the surface of her nervousness and shakes her head. “I think you have to stay still for longer than a second for it to really count.”
The challenge does the trick. It’s enough for Beatrice to frown, her eyebrows drawing forward as she huffs in annoyance. “Fine. Try again, then.”
Lilith only shakes her head, amusement loosening the nervous coil in her chest completely now. It really is too easy to rile Beatrice up. But underneath the humor a surge of warmth settles against her chest. Beatrice may be uptight, and even a little oblivious sometimes. But she’s a good friend and any anxiety Lilith might have had over the request eases as she leans forward to kiss Beatrice again.
The afternoon sun slants across their two bodies, laid out against Beatrice’s bedroom floor. A song plays idly in the background on Beatrice’s record player, filling the room with soft noise that fades easily into the background around them.
Lilith turns her head to watch her friend for a moment, the way the light trails down Beatrice’s face, her eyes closed and her lips parted as she breathes out evenly. It’s the most relaxed Lilith has ever seen her and she can’t help but smile at the image. Whatever Ava is doing, it’s obviously doing wonders for Beatrice. Even if she is an annoying shit.
“What’s it like? Being with Ava?”
The question is blurted out before she can stop herself. But she finds that she doesn’t quite regret it, even if the back of her neck does warm. She shifts and props herself up on her elbows so she can look at Beatrice, who only opens her eyes and turns her head toward Lilith, pondering the question for a moment.
“It’s…. wonderful.” Beatrice breathes out the last word in a small exhale, a soft blush creeping along her ears and cheeks. Her lips tilt upward in a soft smile and she grins sheepishly, “I didn’t think it was possible to be this happy.”
The sight sends a pleasant ache through Lilith’s chest. Even a few months ago it was obvious Beatrice wasn’t happy. Lilith very much doubted Beatrice would have known what happiness looked like even if it slammed right into her. Which Lilith supposed, it sort of had.
It takes her a moment to place the odd fluttering emotion in her chest. Hope, she realizes with a jolt of surprise. If Beatrice of all people could find happiness, then maybe it wasn’t completely unattainable. Maybe it’s something Lilith can earn too. The image of Camila’s mischievous smile, the soft dimples at the corner of her lips, and the way her curled hair catches the light plays across Lilith’s mind, sending a pleasant swoop through her belly.
“If I confess something to you, do you swear not to judge?”
Beatrice’s eyebrows furrow ever so slightly and she shifts too until she’s propped up on one elbow, her head resting against her hand. “Do you have feelings for Ava, as well?”
Her lips purse against a teasing smile at the question and Lilith barks out a surprised laugh. “Don’t be ridiculous, I wouldn’t date Ava even if she was the last person on this earth. You can have her. Besides, I have my sights on someone else.”
Beatrice’s grin widens, a genuine smile with a flash of teeth. She nudges Lilith’s leg with her foot. “Are you going to tell me who it is?”
It’s new, this sudden vulnerability and understanding between the two of them and Lilith clings to the warmth it brings even as she falters for a moment, anxiety tightening around her chest as she answers. “It’s Camila…”
Beatrice’s eyes widen in surprise and Lilith is ready, an apology right on the tip of her tongue. She can feel the flush on her face as she opens her mouth to explain, to take it back maybe. But Beatrice only grins again, her eyes bright with delight. “That’s wonderful!”
“Really? You’re not mad?” Lilith had honestly expected more pushback. Considering that just a few weeks ago they weren’t even talking, she hadn’t expected Beatrice to be so supportive. She studies Beatrice’s face for any sign of hidden frustration, or annoyance, but she doesn’t find any. Beatrice’s smile is still relaxed, her eyes squinting against the sunlight streaming through the blinds covering the window. But her expression is sincere, open, and Lilith finds herself relaxing as Beatrice answers,
“Why would I be? I think it’s great, truly.”
“I don’t know.” Lilith shrugs, her attention moving to the carpet underneath them. She tugs at a loose strand, wrapping it around her finger as she answers, “She’s your little. I know you feel responsible for her.”
The memory of their argument is still raw between them, the lingering words heavy against Lilith’s chest. She can’t quite bring herself to meet Beatrice’s gaze. Silence settles over them, awkward and stifling for several long moments.
“I’m sorry, Lilith. What I said before, it wasn’t fair—“
Lilith rolls her eyes to hide the uncomfortable prickle of nervous tears welling in her eyes. “You’ve already apologized. You don’t have to—“
“Let me finish.” Beatrice raises her hand and Lilith falls silent, swallowing against the stupid lump in her throat.
“It wasn’t fair and I want you to know, I don’t really think you’re…what was it I said?”
“Heartless.” Lilith almost whispers the words, her heart clenching painfully against them, a juxtaposition to the accusation. Beatrice was right, she hadn’t been fair to say it. But Lilith couldn’t deny there was truth in the perception she gave off to people. Her mother was heartless. Her grandmother even more so, and if Lilith was honest her biggest fear is that she would end up mean and bitter, just like them. Beatrice’s words, said in a righteous fury of the moment, had pierced Lilith’s weakest point.
“I don’t think you’re heartless. And I think Camila would be really lucky.” Beatrice’s hand wraps around her own and it takes every ounce of willpower Lilith has to stop the sob threatening to choke out of her. She finally looks up, her eyes stinging with tears only to find Beatrice’s own tears reflected back at her. Despite her best efforts, her vision blurs and she feels a single wet drop escape down her cheek. She laughs, watery and weak, and Beatrice does too.
Maybe this is what happiness really looks like. Or at least something similar. The warm sun heating her skin in the afternoon, shared tears and laughter between friends. She can feel all the cracks within her, frayed and ragged. It doesn’t heal, not even close. But Lilith thinks, here with Beatrice’s tear-filled laughter mixing with her own, maybe for now this is enough. The promise of a new beginning. For both of them.