When you're near
“This is why you didn’t want to show me,” Stephen said gloomily walking in circles in front of the fireplace. The wood in there was cracking continuously with a calming effect the both men could feel on their own skin. Tony, consumed by a gigantic blanket with the warm coffee in his hands, moved his eyes away from the flames and set them instead on the restless sorcerer.
“Yeah,” he murmured. He was exhausted. His own voice sounded alien to him.
“Please, Stephen, sit down. You’re making my head spin.”
The sorcerer looked up and then his eyes softened. He sat down on the edge of a small table in front of Tony.
“I’m sorry. I don’t want to make you feel even worse. Quite the opposite.”
“I’m feeling alright,” Tony replied with a small smile, “thanks to you.”
Stephen puffed shaking his head.
“Hardly. All I did was to create a portal.”
“And invited me to your home,” Tony ended for him helpfully, “the place where you know I feel safe.”
Their eyes held onto each other for a long moment. Hundreds of unspoken feelings between them flashing across their faces leaving them both at loss for words.
“What are you going to do now, Tony?”
The man in question sighed deeply.
“I don’t know… I guess I will take some time off and I will have to meet with the team again to hear their verdict.”
Stephen’s blood froze in his veins when he remembered what had happened only an hour ago in the compound. Tony’s friends forcing him to prove that his behavior towards Rogers had been reasonable. Tony’s friends realizing their horrible mistake.
“I think I know what it will be and if I’m wrong, they are even bigger fools than I thought,” Stephen said slowly. “I still want to murder Rogers though.”
Tony chuckled. A desperation and hurt clear on his shaken face.
“And I still remember you gave me the promise not to hurt him.”
Stephen shook his head. He didn’t understand.
“Why are you trying to protect him, Tony? The things we saw on that record. That was insane. No one should ever behave like that to someone else, not talking about someone you love.”
“I don’t think he loves me,” Tony admitted quietly. “I think I wanted him to and so he tried, but…”
Stephen’s heart was breaking.
“But you loved him. That should have meant something.”
For that Tony had no answer and so he looked down into his mug and took a sip instead. The liquid was warm and comforting.
“Can I stay here?” he asked. Stephen wanted to kill anyone who made Tony feel like he needed to be unsure while asking for something like this. Like he was expecting to be turned down no matter what his question was.
“Of course,” Stephen nodded, “for however long you want.”
Tony’s tender smile was something he couldn’t quite move his eyes away from. It felt like a sunshine on the frozen land.
“I’m sorry that I have to ask this. I know…” Tony bit his lower lip, “I know how you feel about me. I don’t want to give you hope when I’m feeling like my heart is torn into millions of pieces. Maybe…” Tony looked up. “Maybe I won’t be able to let anyone close again.”
Stephen didn’t let any of the fear and desperation show on his face. This wasn’t about him.
“I know. And it’s okay. Thank you for telling me. You’re here as a friend, Tony. I won’t do anything you don’t want me to and I won’t push you. I swear.”
Tony nodded, smiling softly. His face was tired. His eyes were lacking the sparks of energy that seemed to always accompany the genius.
“I know…”
Stephen straightened his back awkwardly.
“You must be tired and it’s already too late. Should I show you your room? We can still talk some more tomorrow.”
Stephen could actually see Tony’s eyes dropping. He had no idea how the man wasn’t yet passed out.
“That would be nice, yes.”
Stephen helped Tony on his feet and then upstairs leading him to one of the many empty rooms, the one closest to his own. They both needed the rest and to possibly forget on what had happened today. Stephen wasn’t naïve. He knew that they would be hunted by the images from the records, not only for tonight, but many nights ahead. But avoiding sleep was not a suitable or a healthy way how to deal with the problem.
“If you would need anything, my bedroom is this way,” he pointed at the door behind his back.
Tony was looking at him for a few seconds until he realized that he should perhaps give some verbal answer.
“Uh… sure,” he said lamely, “thank you, Stephen. And I really mean it.”
They parted their ways when no one knew what to say anymore, although it seemed like both of them were a bit reluctant to go into their separate bedrooms.
Once Stephen lied down on his bed he sighed, hiding his face into his scarred hands. He had no idea how much time passed when Cloak nudged him gently and spread around his form. Stephen didn’t feel like sleeping at all. Not after everything that had happened today. And certainly not so close to the man he was in love with.
Still, his emotional exhaustion soon overpowered him. He fell in a restless sleep almost at the same time as Tony did in his own room.
OOO
Stephen was used to waking up screaming and trashing. He kept his walls soundproofed just for that reason. Sometimes he could even hear his own screams die on his lips as his eyes snapped open, and this time it wasn’t any different. Although, sitting on the bed with a thundering heart and trembling hands he realized that it wasn’t his nightmare that woke him up after all.
He pushed himself quickly out of the bed. His bare feet producing slapping sounds against the cold floor as he hurried into the room where he knew the source of that heartbreaking cry was.
Tony was still deeply asleep when he entered his room and Stephen wavered for a moment. If he didn’t knew what horrors could cause such nightmares he would probably back off. But seeing Tony’s form trashing and gasping for air, there was no way he would be able to leave him in that state.
Stephen stepped to the bed placing his scarred hand on Tony’s shoulder gently shaking him.
“Tony… Tony, wake up,” he pleaded with the sleeping man.
For a while there was no reaction, only as Stephen insisted louder, his guest finally opened his eyes and gasped. Stephen could see the terror in Tony’s eyes and how his instincts were telling him to quickly get away from the touch.
“You’re safe,” he whispered, exhaling in relief as he saw some recognition flash across Tony’s features.
“You’re safe. It’s me. Stephen. You’re in the Sanctum. You’re safe.” He kept repeating the words like a mantra watching as the other’s man breath slowed down a little. His frantic eyes fixed on Stephen’s own and stayed there.
“Stephen?”
Stephen’s heart shuddered with how broken and raspy that voice sounded.
“Yes, it’s me… Can I… Can I sit down?” he asked waiting for Tony to nod before he sat on the side of the bed.
“You were having a nightmare.”
With each passing second Tony’s eyes cleared more and more. He flushed a bit.
“I’m sorry. T-that… didn’t happen for some time.”
“It’s okay,” Stephen added quickly. “It’s fine. I don’t mind. I was just worried.”
Tony looked at Stephen like he was trying to figure something out. It was a long and meaningful stare. Stephen didn’t want to interrupt it, but the silence was getting awkward. Although, sooner than he could open his mouth, Tony beat him to it.
“Please stay,” he whispered almost non-audibly.
“What?” Stephen asked like an idiot he was. “I mean… Are you sure?”
Tony nodded and without any more words he moved to the side to make Stephen space beside him. Once the sorcerer slid under the sheets, they were lying on their sides, face to face. Stephen’s hands were spread between them, yearning to touch.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Stephen asked softly.
“No,” Tony murmured back, his eyes not leaving Stephen’s. There was this hunted look Stephen found hard to describe even though he knew it well.
Another long moment of silence passed when suddenly Tony pushed himself on his elbows. He wasn’t doing anything yet, just watching Stephen and perhaps thinking hard about whether to do something or not. Stephen had no idea what exactly was running through his mind as he was unable to read Tony’s current expression.
He was about to ask whether everything was okay, but then… the man slowly leaned forward.
Stephen froze and was unable to respond until their lips were already pressed against each other. Tony’s were warm and gentle and oh, so soft. Stephen’s response on the other hand was kind of clumsy probably because somewhere deep inside he knew that he shouldn’t use this situation to his advantage, but yet… He wasn’t able to let go. They kissed slowly and softly until they were both out of breath and Tony eventually had to pull back.
“I’m sorry… That was… I shouldn’t have,” he started to slightly panic, “that’s not fair to you… not after what I said in the living room. I…”
“It’s okay…”
“No, it’s not,” Tony shook his head. “I like you. I really do. I don’t want to destroy this… us…”
Stephen’s heart missed a beat. So there was a hope.
“You’re not destroying anything, Tony. You were in distress. I understand. I won’t press for more, but I won’t act like I didn’t want this to happen for as long as I’ve known you,” Stephen admitted with a gentle smile, “let’s make a deal, hm? We will forget this happened for now and if you feel like it and you are sure, you can try it again in the future.”
Tony gave Stephen a surprised, but fond look.
“You are really something, Stephen Strange,” he whispered in the end.
Stephen laughed. “If you say so…”
“Will you accompany me when I go back to the tower?” Tony asked suddenly, clearly worried that despite Stephen’s words the sorcerer won’t support him so easily from now on.
“Of course,” Stephen nodded without any hesitance.
“You know,” Tony said after he let out a relieved sigh, “I’m feeling much better when you’re near. You’re giving me the strength to do what I’m afraid of. Like yesterday… With the team.”
Stephen smiled.
“You’re always welcome to take as much strength as you need, Tony. I’m not going anywhere.”
“You better not to,” Tony grinned, his smile dying at the same time as his eyelids started to drop again.
“I promise to kiss you again,” the engineer whispered before his breathing calmed down giving away that he was close to falling back asleep.
Stephen chuckled.
“I will keep you to that.”
OOO
“Strange, give me that bowl over there.”
“I can’t. I have full hands!”
“I’ll do it,” Tony said, quickly reaching over to place a bowl in Nat’s waiting hands.
“Oh, god! Don’t let Natasha make the salad, please!” Clint groaned from the couch.
“If you do not give a helping hand in cooking, Eye of Hawk, you can not decide such things,” Thor beamed with Bruce nodding at his side.
“He’s right, Birdbrain,” Tony grinned from his place next to the sorcerer who nudged him playfully. In return Tony put a sauce on his nose and received a ticklish kiss on the neck as a sweet revenge.
“Oh, get a room you two,” Barton groaned again pulling a blanket over his face in order not to see the silly intercourse.
Tony only huffed finishing his sauce while his eyes ran towards his boyfriend every now and then. In two months’ time, they will celebrate a one year together. He still couldn’t quite get enough of watching the man though.
Tony put his bowl on the table. He was about to announce that he was done with his part when Clint called out from the couch.
“Guys! We have a visitor.”
He turned to follow Clint’s gaze and his breath got stuck in his throat.
There he was.
Steve was standing with Agent Coulson in the living room, his eyes fixed steadily on Tony. There was a slight frown on his face, and he was clearly nervous. Tony subconsciously moved closer to Stephen – an old quirk which neither of them fought too much to get rid of.
Tony had to remind himself that it was okay. They had agreed to meet him.
“Tony,” Steve started unsure.
The team was watching Steve warily. After the fiasco with the video from their bedroom no one had tried to contact Captain anymore. He wasn’t an avenger either. Not even officially. Coulson gave them an update on his whereabouts from time to time. It seemed like Captain’s head cleared a bit while he was working on some secret operations far away from the states.
“Steve,” Tony nodded, his hand found Stephen’s and their fingers connected, leaving Steve with a confused expression until something kicked in, and he probably understood what was going on.
“I…” he began again, taking a deep breath, “I know that I have no right to ask for forgiveness, but… I wanted to apologize.”
Tony stayed silent, listening.
“I’m sorry, Tony, for how I behaved. For everything. I’m not coming back and I’m not trying to get back into the team. I just wanted you to know that I’m ashamed for what I did to you. I wasn’t quite myself and I can see it now. I’m sorry. I wish you all the good and I hope one day you will be able to forgive me.”
There was a long silence during which all the eyes in the room found Tony’s shocked face. He’d expected a lot of reasons why Steve wanted to talk to them, but not this. Tony wasn’t used to people apologizing. Not to him.
“Love,” Stephen whispered near his ear sounding worried. “You want to answer?”
Tony swallowed, nodding.
“Thank you,” he said.
No, he wasn’t able to muster anything more clever. That was it. He had nothing else to say. He wasn’t holding a grudge, but he wasn’t ready to forgive.
Steve waited a bit more, probably expecting Tony to add something, but when he realized that won’t happen, he lowered his head.
“No, thank you for hearing me out. Be well…” his eyes found everyone in the room, “all of you.”
No one answered, but it seemed that their eyes lost some of the hard edges.
Steve was gone as quickly as he appeared. Tony wouldn’t say that he missed more interaction. Nope.
Stephen at his side squeezed his hand lightly.
“Okay?” he whispered.
The engineer nodded. “More than okay.”
It was hard to explain, but some weight he hasn’t even been aware of until now has just lifted from Tony’s shoulders. He felt… lighter. Stephen seemed uncertain and Tony couldn’t be surprised. Steve had been a big obstacle in their relationship in the beginning. Stephen had to well remember how Tony had unconsciously shielded from every intimate touch even after months the nightmare was over.
The engineer stepped on the tip of his toes placing a small kiss on Stephen’s lips.
“Thank you for saving me. I just realized that I’ve never thanked you.”
It was easy to see how many arguments just sprung to life in Stephen’s head.
I didn’t do anything.
No, you actually saved me.
But in the end, sensing that Tony didn’t want to hear any of those, he just nodded, smiling softly.
“You’re welcome, love.”
Tony knew that later that night there will be probably a talk between him and his boyfriend. Because talking was healthy. Talking fixed a lot of things – that much Tony has learnt.
Now, however, there was food to be eaten, film to be watched and one sorcerer to be cuddled in the dimmed lights of the avenger’s living room because for once… a one Tony Stark felt like all the strength had returned to him.