The Truth, The Hurt, The Missing.
“Come on Tony! I’m tired of you mopping around , I know you’re angry, I know you’re upset, I know you’re broken, but I don’t deserve this! I’m your best friend, it hurts to see you this way Tones, I love you to the end of the earth, but you don’t deserve this shit.” Rhodey said as he was doing his physiotherapy, he hurt his spine back then during the Civil War, he didn’t know if he could walk again, but Tony believed in him, and actually hire the best physiotherapist for him. Ever since Civil War happened, Tony would either locked himself in his labs, or go for meetings. Even busies himself with the spiderling. Tony has long buried with his emotion. Tony just sighs into his coffee, he really can’t take it, his heart was long gone, even with Peter always being there for him to distract him from the pain, even when Rhodey always wants him to be there during his therapy. He always escaped from reality, hiding in his lab, upgrading new suits for everyone, he even upgraded a new shield for Steve, a new arm for Bucky, he felt bad when Bucky lost his arm. “ I’ll be okay Rhodes, I know you love me, I’m okay, trust me.” Tony replies as he puts his mug down, he went back to his lab, to redo on some of his new designs, he sat on his stool, looking at new blue prints, pushing the old ones away, he scrolls through the new ones he made, thank god for holograms, or else he had a dirty tables full of old papers. As he slides through his new designs, he stopped at a video, a video of him and Bucky, months back, “ Come babe, get up! It’s pretty late don’t you think?” Tony said in the video, grumbles could be heard, “ No! I don’t want to. I’m tired Baby!” Bucky grumbles into the pillow, Tony starts to pout in the video, then he kept nudging Bucky, only to be held in a chokehold , and getting his hair ruffled up by Bucky, “Told you not to disturb me right Love,” Bucky said as he ruffles up Tony’s hair. “ Not my hair please Love!” Tony replied as he wiggle himself out. As Tony drops his phone, Bucky was on top of him, kissing him tenderly, they could only hear the voices in the video, Tony could only watched it fondly, he honestly loved that man, “ I love you Anthony Edward Stark!” Bucky said, as he continues to kiss Tony tenderly, “ I love you too James Buchanan Barnes!” Tony giggle, he could feel Bucky’s stubbles scratching his skin, soon giggles turn into grunts, moaning could be heard. Then Tony cut off the video, it brings back too much memory.
“ FRIDAY, am I torturing myself?” Tony asked his AI, “ Sir, everyone wants you to be happy. Even Peter. To think that Mr Barnes was a changed man, the James you were dating was a totally different guy, he could have hurt you a thousand times, but yet he didn’t, his love for you is pure Sir. I have many evidence of him loving you, Sir. But I don’t think you would want to see it.” FRIDAY replied. “ Bring up the videos for me FRI!” Tony demanded, there were tons of videos of Bucky, “ Hey SIRI? Or whatever your name was, are you recording this?” Bucky asked as he look at the camera, there must be a green tick or something, “ Anthony gave me this phone, he told me to record things like a diary, so I guess here’s my first attempt at it. I miss Anthony actually. It has been a week since he came for a visit, the scent from my room is disappearing. “ Bucky was sitting on his mattress, holding on to one of Tony’s shirt, sniffing it a bit, and smiling into the shirt. Tony stares fondly to the video of Bucky, his heart swells with love. Another video pops up, “ Guess what tiny phone! Anthony is coming today, I’m excited! I can’t wait to see him, I think I like him, but what am I supposed to say to him? Like hey Anthony, I like you.” Bucky said, as he looks nervously at his phone, he smile was there but his eyes were questioning his decisions. Another one pops out, “ Look at him, how could I love him? I killed his parents when he was younger, and here he is, loving me. I don’t deserve this!” Bucky said as he points the camera to a sleeping Tony, Tony could see the hurt in Bucky’s eyes, Tony could see how calm he was sleeping in Bucky’s arm. It must be one of those nights Tony end up drunk in Bucky’s apartment. “ Hey tiny phone, Anthony bought me new clothes, I knew it, he took most of my clothes, and replaced it with new ones, I gonna make it smell like me, then shall let him switch it back.” Bucky said, as he smiles so wide on the camera. As Tony continued to watch all Bucky’s video, for an hour, his heart swell, he felt the innocent love from Bucky, his James. He could see the innocent James, that was James, not the Winter Soldier, the James he wanted to love, but deep down he knows, this man was the one that killed his mother. It breaks his heart again. But he only want to love this man. “Hey FRI, I feel tired, I shall head to bed, do not disturb me for the next few hours.” Tony commanded his AI. “ Will do Sir, will inform others to no disturb you.” FRIDAY replied. Tony drags himself to the elevator, press his floor, then drags his feet to his room. As he drags himself to his bed, how long was he not in his bed? He pulls the cover off, to find a few of Bucky’s hoodie hidden in them, he was too tired to push it away, he decided to just sleep, not knowing when he pulled the hoodies close to him, sniffing up Bucky’s fading scent. He miss his James so badly, soon sleep caught up to him.
“ Anthony? Is that you?” Bucky said, he lays there covering in his blood, his left arm detached form his body, “ Hey there James, yeah it’s me, you okay love?” Tony asked, as he walks over to Bucky’s body, “ What happen James?” Tony asked, he couldn’t hide the concern in his voice, “ It’s nothing Anthony, I deserve this, I killed his parents, even if I was under HYDRA brainwash, but I did kill him, I loved him too much Anthony, I could have told him but yet I didn’t want to, I wanted to protect him from everything, I couldn’t do it. By hiding the truth, I was also hurting him, I wish I could turn back time, I wished and prayed that I could love him so much more.” Bucky said as he cried. He was in pain, but his heart was aching. He looks up into Tony’s eyes, he could see the pain in the man’s eyes. “ I only wanted to love you Anthony Edward Stark, I only wanted that for us. To love you, to hold you, to make you mine.” Bucky said as his breathing got shallow, he was slipping away. “ James, hey love, James, stay with me please. We could do this again, please James.” Tony begged, he held Bucky’s soft cold body against him, he kept shaking his body but Bucky would never wake up. He held Bucky’s body close to him, threading his fingers in the soulless man’s body, his tears kept flowing, he wanted to love him longer, he wanted to love his James, one last time. ”JAMES!” Tony shouted, as he sat up, covering in sweat, he was holding on to Bucky’s hoodie tight. “ Sir, it seems Commander Rhodes is outside you room, requesting access to your room, Sir.” FRIDAY commanded, Rhodey must have been notified when Tony’s heart rate hits a certain number, indicating Tony either having a panic attack or just in danger. “ Let him in FRI!” Tony breaths out, trying his best to calm himself down, “ You okay Tones?” Rhodey asked as he steps inside the room, his eyes scanning for any threat lying around Tony’s room. “I’m okay Rhodes, was just a nightmare.” Tony replied, as he wipes his brows with the hoodie in his arms. Rhodey just sat beside Tony on his bed, holding the smaller man in his arm, calming Tony down, Rhodey was there when Tony woke up to a call, saying his parents died in a car crash, he stayed with Tony, hugged Tony when he needed it, Rhodey stayed by his side when Tony got back from Afghanistan with an Arc Reactor in his chest, Rhodey was by his side when Obadiah Stane nearly killed him, Rhodey stayed by his side when Pepper dumped him, Rhodey stayed by his side when the Mandarin threaten him, Rhodey stayed by his side when the Avengers disbanded. Rhodey never left his side, never.
As tony woke up, in a tangling mess with Rhodey by his side, inhaling Rhodey scent, it felt like home, but he knows the only scent that he loves to smell would be Bucky’s. As he gets up of bed, carrying all his dirty laundry to his bathroom, he dumps it on the bathroom floor, and decided to take a shower, to clean out the nightmare he had yesterday, his heart miss Bucky too much today. He drowned his tears in the shower. As he finally got out from the shower, Rhodey sat there on his bed, on his Stark Pad. “ Hey there Bud, it seems T’Challa invites us to Wakanda, for some King’s ceremony.” Rhodey said, as he looks up to Tony, it has been a year since the war happened, was he ready to meet T’Challa? “ Sure when is it?” Tony asked, as he pulls over one of Bucky’s sweatshirt, and he slides into his skinny jeans, the perfect look, it was Bucky’s favourite look on him, “ This weekend actually, so pack your stuff boy, we’re visiting Wakanda!” Rhodey said as he gets up and left Tony’s room, Tony was nervous he could feel that in his guts, he did wanted to meet Wakanda but what lies in Wakanda was a mystery, he grabs one of his duffle bags, packing his things for the weekend trip, preparing his suits too. His new nanotech suit. As he finish packing up, he grabs his bags and headed to the quinjet, where Rhodey was already waiting for him, as they key in the coordinates, he wished for a smooth flight.
As the quinjet lands, Tony and Rhodey was greeted by the king himself, they were pulled in a hug, “ How was the ride Tony?” T’Challa asked as they walked into the palace. “ It was bearable, nothing I never got used to, how have you been, Your Highness?” Tony replies, “ Please just call me T’Challa, and everything has been good in Wakanda.” T’Challa replies as he shows them to one of their meetings room, “ That’s good to hear T’Challa, I was hoping to meet the princess, you know science things.” Tony replies as he took a seat next to T’Challa, “ Ouh Shuri? She will be here soon, she’s attending to the White Wolf right now.” T’Challa replies. As they made small conversations, the door of the meeting rooms, slides open, Princess Shuri walks in, smiling so brightly, “ Anthony! It’s nice to finally meet you, another science genius! The White Wolf has never stopped talking about you, demanding I made the same arms as you made him.” Shuri said as she took a seat , “ The White Wolf?” Tony asked, “ OUH YES, the kids around here calls him that, The White Wolf, Bucky right his name? he is well taken care of over here, Bucky has been talking about you ever since he woke up 6 months back.” Shuri continued. “ He will be happy to finally meet you, he stays in the palace for time being, for the ceremony, but normally he will be in his shed by the farms, with his goats.” Shuri continued. Was tony ready to meet him? What while happen if they met? “ I can show you to his room , Tony, if you like to meet him. “ Shuri asked, “ Yeah Tones, would you like to meet him? I could accompany you?” Rhodey asked, “ Stark, I would love to bring you to Bucky, he’s a changed man now. Trust me. “ T’Challa turn to talk. “ It’s okay guys, I would meet him personally, I can handle it. It will be like meeting an old friend.” Tony finally said, as he got up from his chair. He left the meeting room, following one of the guards to Bucky’s room. He took a deep breath before heading into his room. “ Shuri, I told you not disturb me, I want to rest before the ceremony.” Bucky said, his back was turned to the door, he was looking out of the windows, he didn’t realise it was Tony entering his room. Tony just stayed quiet, eyeing the man that he loved. “ SHURI! Ouh it’s you Anthony!” Bucky whine as he turns his back, frozen seeing the mand he loved, standing there. “ You have always been a whiner, James!” Tony said as he took a few step closer to Bucky, Tony missed when Bucky calls him Anthony, and Bucky missed Tony’s voice. They stood in front of each other, Tony tilts his head, forming a small smile to Bucky. “ I’ve missed you James.” Tony said before he leans in and press a small kiss to Bucky’s lips. Bucky leaned forward, deepening their kiss, he grabs Tony’s ass and carried him to his bed. Laying him down slowly, Bucky moved to his neck, kissing it tenderly, leaving small bite marks in between, “ I missed you more Anthony.” Bucky said in between the kisses. He growls into Tony’s chest, listening to the small low moans escaping Tony’s lips. “ You sure you want this Anthony?” Bucky asked, as he dangerously hangs around the erection in Tony’s jeans. Tony could only moan louder, he missed Bucky’s touch. As Bucky palms Tony’s erection, Tony laced his fingers in Bucky’s hair, allowing him to get closer together. Soon both clothes were spread on the floor, moans getting louder, breathing gets deeper.
As both of them laid in bed, the covers covering their bare torso, Tony lays in Bucky’s arm. “ Do you still love me James?” Tony asked as he laced his fingers with Bucky’s , “ Anthony, I never stopped loving you, but after what I’ve done to you, how could I face you again? I broke you in places that I didn’t know I could break. I’ve hurt you too much. I don’t deserve to love you, I don’t even deserve your love.” Bucky replies, kissing Tony’s forehead. “ But that wasn’t you James, it was The Winter Soldier. Yes I hated you for that, but I realise one thing, that wasn’t you at all. You were brainwashed. Yes you killed my mother, but what rights do I have to hate you? You were only there to loved me dearly, and why should I push you away, I love you James, I never stop loving you, a year without you, it feels like hell. Everything I do, reminds me of you, I missed your scent, I missed your laughter, I missed you, James.” Tony replies, as he looks up into Bucky’s eyes. Bucky kisses him softly on his lips. “ Then Anthony, do you still love me?” Bucky asked him, “ I never stopped, James, I never stopped loving you.” Tony replies as he kisses Bucky’s cheeks. As they lay in each other embrace, soon sleeps invites them. As morning comes, both of them got up and got dress for the ceremony. Tony in his Tom Ford suit, Bucky in one of Wakanda outfit. They walked hand in hand to the event, earning smiles from everyone. Bucky was proud of his partner, he was happy, he was finally smiling. “ It seems the White Wolf has found his Wolf huh?” Shuri said as he jabs T’Challa ribs, “ Come on Shuri, don’t tease them, they’re finally happy after all the shit they been through. You will never know till when they can be happy.” T’Challa replied as he eyes the new couple. He hopes this happiness would last for them. “T’Challa, is it possible for Bucky to stay here for a few months, while me and Tony get his paperwork done, trying to get his citizenship ready. “ Rhodey ask, as he smiles to the new couple. “ Sure thing Commander, once you’re ready to pick him up, then we shall let him leave.” T’Challa replied. Tony and Bucky was dancing on the floor, around the Wakandian people, laughing in each other arms, smiling so brightly, Tony would do anything to have this moment forever. Tony was happy, Bucky was blessed. Is this their happy ending?
Months passed and Infinity War happened. It was the second time Tony lost Bucky, but Tony didn’t know that Bucky too disappeared into dust, but he can sure feel something happened on earth while he was in space. Tony was determined to come back to earth, his goals was to meet Bucky. His gut feelings was saying that something bad happened to Bucky. He missed his Bucky too much. If only he knew what happened on earth. If only he knew what happen to his Bucky.