Chapter 19
~XVIII~
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A/N: Heavy angst with happy end. Enjoooooooy!
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To hell with Thanos, I don’t know him. After Ragnarok Thor and Loki came to Earth and with no bloodshed and screams (and typical bullshit like ‘He is a mass murdering psychopath!’ or ‘Is this a guy who levelled New York?!’ or ‘He should be locked up!’ because really, after the Avengers themselves broke the laws and became terrorists they don’t get to talk and bring moral height and Thor says Loki served his punishment on Asgard, not Midgard, so they don’t get to judge him twice, get out).
Anyway, Stark helps Thor to speak with Scandinavian government and then they settle on their own land. Loki is always beside Thor to help him smooth the proceedings, because he was the king and he was not bad at it and Thor is without experience so he had to listen to his little brother. And they work fine together, Loki promised him that he wants to help because so much bad shit happened and for once he wants to stop seeing only the worst in life. Thor gladly agrees and they build up their new home.
After a while, when many things work like clock, and Thor can relax, the Avengers call Thor to go to the Tower to maybe help out with some missions. When he finds out that some of their enemies use magic, Thor asks if it will be ok if Loki came too, because he was the best sorcerer and will be of great help. Thor also wanted his friends to accept his brother, because Loki works too hard and yes, aside from Heimdall there are no one from their friends alive and being together throughout centuries, it feels quite lonely. So Thor asks and reluctantly the humans agree. Bruce vouches for the younger god, and so Steve concedes with the fact that Loki’s magical help will be useful.
The brothers come to the tower. Stiffly but they could all work together. Loki even participates in some of the team gatherings, but he is always can be found not far from Thor.
After Thor reveals what happened for all the time he was away from Earth, the Avengers jump at him with:
Thor, buddy, we are so sorry. It must have been so hard to you. You have endured so much, so many losses. If you need help, we will gladly help you. Therapist help or just to listen. Wearehereforyou. Always!
Thor is super grateful and sentimental. Loki looks at this from the sidelines and says nothing. Later Thor speaks with Loki about what happened, not knowing that Loki was there and heard everything. He says that maybe it was indeed a good idea to seek help, because yes, his father, his weapon, eye and hair and home and people etc. etc. Loki listens to him in silence, but after a while it is clear to Thor that Loki doesn’t like to hear it. And suddenly all he feels is anger at Loki.
He shouts at his brother that why couldn’t he understand that Thor is also hurting?? That Loki got used to disregard Thor’s grief. Or that Loki just became insensitive to other people's misfortunes and revels in other’s sufferings. Thor too needs help and he will get it. Then he storms away to his room.
Loki is left alone then. Thinking about what happened, it was not because Loki didn’t care for Thor’s pain. It broke his heart that Thor had to suffer all that. No, it was just that Loki felt upset because, as always, around Thor is a bunch of sycophants, a mountain of friends who cares about him. And that Thor has the opportunity to do something for himself. And it's a shame because Loki lost a lot too. He lost himself, his name, his race, his standing in the world, his family, innocence, lost his mind, broke under torture, then lost his freedom, lost his brother, human intercourse, then his life. Not to mention Frigga and Odin. Loki has nothing at all! And no one ever acknowledged it.
(But actually my canon is that Loki thinks so, but in reality Asgard loves him, truly sees that their prince is talented and resourceful and was always there for Asgard – and he was better than Odin in ruling. Although the Valkyrie mocks him, secretly she likes him, Heimdall has warmed up to Loki considerably, finally seeing Loki for who he is, etc.).
Loki just doesn't believe in it. But then he will see where he was wrong.
And all this puts Loki into depression. He also has PTSD (he just hides it well) - after Thanos, after all the terrible things that happened to him at his hands, on Asgard - with Odin and his lies, his cruelty; in the Void, after the Grandmaster (he won’t let himself remember his time on Sakaar, it was awful, better not to remember, drown it in a drink, anything). And no one helped him, no one took his hand and led him to the doctor, did not support nor care for his pain. Loki survived and continues to cope without anyone’s help. And the fact that Thor is angry with him now, thinking that Loki is simply inhuman, makes him depressed even more.
Thor was already feeling better (having ignored his little brother while getting help). And then somehow, maybe a panic attack or Wanda will see, somehow the Avengers will know about Loki. And blah blah Thor will be embarrassed for his hot rage and accusations. Bruce, too, will go to Loki with a proposal to talk to him or a therapist. But Loki will cut NO, and will then return to Asgard.
But when he comes to Asgard without Thor, he reluctantly starts to notice that people see him for him (without golden Thor), they smile at him, greet him, they are nice to Loki. Valkyrie will invite him to drink. And so on.
Loki will start – after so many years – to accept his place in the world, not just endlessly looking for it. He will finally feel accepted.
And the happy end.
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