I Don’t Deserve This But I Deserve You

That evening Bucky spent the night in Tony’s room, while Sam just spend his night in the guest room, Sam was actually gone by the time they finished breakfast, he had fallen asleep within seconds when his head meets the pillow, even when Bucky came into the room the grab his things in the afternoon, Sam didn’t even move a muscle. Sam was dead exhausted with all that driving. As they said their goodbyes to Tony parents, Tony just drags Bucky upstairs to his room, continued what they were doing before breakfast. As they were done, Tony just rest on Bucky’s chest, drawing circles on his stomach, humming the usual Italian bedtime songs, Bucky just ruffles up Tony’s hair, making it slightly messier. Tangling his fingers in them.

“So what did mother said to you in the kitchen?” Tony asked, as he looks at Bucky.

“Nothing much, more like how much a brat you are and for me to leave you soon, so I won’t regret it “Bucky replies. Tony just pouts, tears were forming as he tries to look away at Bucky.

“I was just joking, Doll! I loved you till the end of world!” Bucky said as he kisses Tony’s forehead.

“I wouldn’t trade anything in the world for you, even for a new Stark Industry Arm, or even if Howard puts a gun to my head, I will never leave you, Love. Peggy could kiss my ass, if she ever thought I would leave you. I’m with you till the end of line” Bucky said as he sat up and looked at Tony, he felt bad for making Tony questions his worth. Tony just smiles and looks at Bucky, his tears threatening to fall.

“Mother asked me what I loved about you, and I told her how much I loved your smile, your laughter. How much you loved me for my flaws and for who I am. She also told me to call her mother, and it hits me in my feelings, I missed my own mother. “Bucky explains himself, as he lays his head on Tony’s chest, letting Tony play with his hair. Tony kisses Bucky’s hair, and he ruffles it up a bit, making it look like a tangling mess, which Bucky hates so much, because he hates to have to brush all the split ends of his shoulder length hair. They lay like that the whole night, once in a while stealing kisses from the other.

It was clearly 4 am, when Bucky’s phone starts buzzing by his bed side,“P. Carter” was calling him. “Hit me!” Bucky answered.

“IT’S CARTER! ARE YOU WITH TONY?” Peggy shouted, Bucky could hear the Helicopter blade whirring loudly in the background.

“Yes he’s with me” Bucky replies as he sat up.

“GOOD! KEEP HIM SAFE FOR NOW, I’LL BE THERE SOON. COLONEL RHODES IS ALSO ON HIS WAY NOW.” Peggy replies.

“What happen, Pegs?” Bucky asked, as he ran his fingers in his messy hair.

“THE STARKS, THEY WERE COMPROMISED!” Peggy replies, Bucky could hear the worry in Peggy’s voice.

“I’LL BE THERE SOON, FOR NOW KEEP MY GOD SON SAVE. I’LL INFORM CAPTAIN WILSON TOO.” Peggy said as she hangs up the call.

“Who was that babe?” Tony asked tiredly, as he rubs his eyes.

“It was Peggy, she’s coming over. Rhodey too.” Bucky said as he soothes Tony’s hair.

“What did she want Love?” Tony asked, as he sat up next to Bucky, resting his tired head on Bucky’s shoulder. Before Bucky could reply, Sam runs inside Tony’s room.

“Tony, this might be crazy, but can you access your dad’s lab or and weapon infantry around here?” Sam asked.

“Ah yeah, Howard keep his spare guns in his office, I could access that.” Tony who suddenly was awake, both him and Bucky got off the bed, Bucky grabbing his sweatpants and sweatshirt, and putting it on.

“Whatever happens, stay close to us, promise me that Doll.” Bucky said as he pulls his sweatshirt over.

Tony just grabs his shirt and jeans on the ground, and puts it on too, he was too afraid to ask anything, just nods in agreement. As the trio got out of the room and walks to Howard office which was at the far end of the corridor, Jarvis just got out of the office, a handgun in hand, he just nods to Sam and Bucky, as if he knows what was going on. The trio just scrambles into the room, Sam picks his weapon, a hand gun and an Assault rifle, Bucky got a few hand knives and an assault rifle too. Bucky puts on a bullet proof vest on Tony, and kisses his forehead.

“Trust me, my love “Bucky whispers to Tony, Tony could only nod, he was still scared. They walked out of Howard office, Jarvis was still guarding it. The Quad Squad slowly made their way to Howard’s lab, all three-man protecting and covering Tony, Tony was lost but yet he trusts them.

“Rhodes will be reaching soon, he says to wait in the lab. “Sam said as he fiddles his phone awhile. As they reached the first level, Tony’s front door was kicked opened, came in man’s wearing Black vest, “RUN!” Jarvis shouted, before he opens fire. He starts shooting at them. Sam just continues to push Bucky and Tony away.

“JAMES! GET HIM INTO THE LAB NOW! I’LL COVER YOU!” Sam commanded, as he too starts opening fire, Bucky just nods, and grabs Tony by his wrist and they start running to Howard’s lab in the basement. As they about to reach the stairs, some man starts chasing them.

“Love, look at me and listen, I want you to get in the lab, and hide, I’ll find you, I promise. Here, take my gun, just shoot if any of them come close.” Bucky said, as he looks at Tony and kisses his forehead.

Tony was too scared to move, but he had to listen to Bucky, he didn’t know why these mans were trying to kill him, he ran as fast as he could to Howard’s lab, keying the code and ran and hide in one of the metal cupboards, trying to ease his breathing, holding the gun close to him.

As he watched Tony runs away, Bucky grabs his knife, he started to stab the agents around him, he knew them well, he could see the bright star on their uniform, he only had 3 on him, Bucky succeed to stab them, twisting them around, punching them and kicking them away, he needed his Tony to be safe. After he was done, he could see Sam was dragging someone with him, Jarvis was shot. He helped Sam to carry Jarvis to the lab, letting Jarvis unlock the door. As he places Jarvis by the work table, he searched for Tony, hoping he was alright.

“Hunny?” Bucky asked as he looks around the metal cabinets, only to have one to open slightly, he saw Tony small body coming out from it, he ran and hugged Tony.

“God! If anything happens to you, I won’t forgive myself!” Bucky swore, only for Sam to clears his throat.

“And you rather had your best friend died in an open fire?” Sam asked as he looks at Bucky, their conversation stops, only for another door to open in the lab, Rhodey was there.

“Come on, enough of flirting, we have to get out of here, my HYDRA agent is coming!” Rhodey said, as pulls Tony away.

Rhodey helped Sam with Jarvis, while Tony and Bucky escaped through the door, which leads them out to a staircase, Tony’s knee were like jelly by then, he was tired and still in shocked, Bucky just grabs him in bridal style and carries him up. As they finally reach the top, a helicopter was waiting for them, Peggy was there, opening the door for him. “How’s the situation down there Barnes?” Peggy asks.

“Jarvis injured but most agent killed, Tony is still in shocked over here, maybe you could help me with him first?” Bucky replies. As he pushes Tony into the helicopter and pulls himself up.

“Hunny, look at me, I’m gonna tell you something, and I hope you would understand.” Peggy told him.

“Is Howard and Mother dead? “Tony asked as he looks at Peggy.

Peggy could only look at him, holding her tears, she just nods, Tony who was sitting in Bucky’s lap, turns and hugs Bucky tight. He cried, he cried for his mother, he lost his mother, he never really got to say he loved her, he cried harder, he grabbed Bucky’s shirt tighter. As Sam and Rhodey got in, with and injured Jarvis, off they flew to SHIELD, Bucky just rubs Tony’s back, reassuring him that everything would be okay.

As they arrived at SHIELD, Bucky just carries Tony’s weak body around, the boy stops crying but he felt exhausted. Jarvis was brought to the infantry unit with Sam, Bucky and Tony was brought into another room where there was a bed for him, as Bucky lays Tony down on the bed, Tony just grabs his arm.

“Please Stay, I don’t want you to go too.” Tony croaks, Bucky just pats his arm and sat next to him. Brushing Tony’s hair back. Director Fury came in holding case files.

“Commander Barnes, from now on, I want you off the case!” Director Fury said, as he slams the files on the table.

“From what I can see, you’re putting too much on this mission, you’re putting all your emotions in this mission, I want you off the case!” Director Fury demanded. Tony was shocked, he just turns to Bucky who was still stroking his hair.

“What the fuck is going on!” Tony demanded as he pulls away from Bucky’s touch, Bucky eyes were suddenly filled with rage.

“YOU PUT ME ON THIS FUCKING CASE? YOU ONLY TOLD ME TO PROTECT TONY, BUT I HAVE EVERY RIGHTS TO LOVE HIM, TO CARE FOR HIM. I’M NOT YOUR SOLDIER, DIRECTOR! I HAVE FEELINGS TOO. I ONLY AGREE TO EVEN HELP YOU, SO YOU COULD PAY FOR MY EDUCATION, AND PROMISED ME THAT I WILL GET BACK ON THE FIELD!” Bucky shouted as he stood up from the bed, he was angry.

Yes Sam, Rhodey were special agents chosen from their batch, Rhodey was assigned as Tony’s roommate because they had things in common, Sam was Bucky’s roommate because they were a team, Bucky was chosen as the last agent, as after his accident, Fury seen potential in him. The only person was put into mission was Sam and Rhodey, not Bucky.

“Calm down Soldier!” Natasha said, as she walks into the room.

“You were never in the mission to start with, you were our agent, but Tony wasn’t your main mission, but he was still Sam’s and Rhodey’s, but having you involved, is too much. I rather you both break things up right now.”“Natasha said, as she stood next to Fury. Bucky was hurt, but what hurts more is how Tony looked at him, disappointed written all over his face.

“I would like to request all of you to leave this room right now, only Bucky and Tony to stay.” Peggy said as she walks into the room, “I SAID NOW! “Peggy demanded, both Fury and Natasha just grabs their things and walked out, leaving the 3 in the bedroom.

“Anthony Edward Stark, I was made your god mother when you were born, with the reasons that Howard wanted me to always protect you. When you dated Steve, I always thought he could protect you, seeing how big his body was, But when I met Bucky, he had the potential to protect you always, but when you guys were dating, I was for sure you both could love and protect each other, if you gonna believe every single word Fury said, then forget it. Yes, Bucky was one of our agents, because Fury promised him that he would get back on the field, but Bucky had no mission at all, he likes you and loves you, is up to his own accords. He wasn’t forced or anything, I only asked him to protect you. The only one on mission was me, Rhodey, Sam, Natasha and Clint. Your friends, as I might say, were to protect you in campus, at 0300 hrs, we found both Howard and Maria dead at the scene, HYDRA agents were after them, something that Howard was building for us at SHIELDS. But trust me Anthony, Bucky here truly loves you.”  Peggy said, as she took a seat next to tony, rubbing his shoulder.

“Why should I trust you? Why should I trust him, I might really just be his mission?” Tony asked as he pulls away from Peggy.

“Why would your Aunt Peggy lie to you? She loves you too much to even hurt your feelings, she was always there to protect Howard, to protect you Tones. You can don’t believe me, I’m okay with it, I don’t mind honestly, a liar and a cheater you can say, I’ve been called worst!” Bucky said as he slowly gets up from his seat.

Bucky starts walking to the door, whatever he said, will never change Tony’s views on him, he didn’t want to be a part of SHIELD, but because of the money offered, his siblings live were taken care off, he couldn’t resist it, even if he had to do the dirty works. He just left them be, while he went up to the roof top, his safe place. Tony and Peggy sat silently next to each other, Tony starts to fumble with his shirt, looking anywhere other than Peggy.

“ You know Tones, Bucky really loves you, you can see it in his eyes, he was only meant to love you, he actually didn’t know about the mission to protect you in school, or to even protect you, he only knows that Rhodey and Sam were agents under SHIELD, he was offered to be an Agent just because he had potential, he was literally send as a student over to your college, Maria and Howard knows that Sam and Rhodey were meant to protect you in school, Howard knows Bucky was an agent but he also knew Bucky was newly recruited too. But he trusts Bucky, to protect you and love you.” Peggy reassured him.

“ But aunt Peggy, I was his mission.” Tony pouts.

“Correction, he was an agent but you’re not his mission, but the love of his life, you promised not to break him, I would slice your throat” Peggy continues, Tony just sat there and pouts.

The next few days was a blur to Tony, he had attended his Parents funeral, his friends that he thought were friends, also attended it, Bucky wasn’t at the service, neither was he at the funeral, but he did come back to see Maria, when everyone had left.

“Mother, I’m sorry. I couldn’t protect your son like how you wanted me too, I wanted to love him, but I don’t think I can anymore, I think he hates me. I’m truly sorry.” Bucky said, as he left beautiful flowers on her grave.

Bucky had gone back to his dorm the next few days, returning the bike keys to Tony’s apartment, he felt broken when he drags himself back to his apartment. The next few days, he just lazes around the apartment, not wanting to function at all. He resigns from this part time jobs, even throw in his Agent Scholarship, he called his sisters, telling them he was coming back home soon. He slowly packs his belonging, there were nothing much for him, Sam and Rhodey begged him to stay, only for him to reject them.

New Year’s Eve, everyone was celebrating, but Bucky was rotting in his bed, one last night before he decides to go back home tomorrow. He heard the front door open and closed, Sam must be home. He just forced himself to sleep, he heard his room door open slowly, he heard footsteps nearing his bed, then slowly his covers were pulled up, and someone slides in bed with him, he didn’t bother to ask, sometimes Sam would slides in his bed when he was sleeping, that someone suddenly wraps their arm around Bucky’s waist.

“Sam, come on let go, I’m not in the mood right now. “Bucky whines, as he tries to push the person away.

“I didn’t know how you could forget your boyfriend’s touch.” Tony said, as he nuzzles the back of Bucky’s neck.

“Tones?” Bucky breathes out as he turns around to see Tony smiling at him.

“In the flesh, my love!” Tony beamed at him.

“What are you doing here? “Bucky ask as he looks into Tony’s eyes.

“To become the big spoon to my little spoon boyfriend, what else right?” Tony replies, smiling at Bucky.

They could hear people counting down at the back, “3, 2, 1! Happy New Year!” was shouted in the background, “Happy New Year, Love” Tony said, as he pressed a soft kiss on Bucky’s lips, he grins so brightly to Bucky, Bucky let a tear escape as he smiles softly to Tony.

“Someone told me that he would love me endlessly, even if my dad were to points a gun to his head, he would rather die and not loved me, and also he would love me till the end of line.”Tony said as he cups Bucky’s face.

“And I want to be with him, till the end of line, I promise you that. You can be a secret agent, hell you could be working with HYDRA for all I fucking care, I just want to love you. I don’t deserve this shit happening in my life, my friends are all agents, my parents are dead, and my boyfriend is a secret agent, but I still deserve you, Bucky. I deserve to love you, and all your fucking flaws, I deserve to give you my heart and for you to love me back too. I don’t deserve this, but I deserve you, James Buchanan Barnes!” Tony said as he places a soft kiss on Bucky’s lips.

“I love you so much James Buchanan Barnes!”Tony said as he looks deep into Bucky’s eyes.

“I love you more Anthony Edward Stark! Bucky replies, as he pressed a deep kiss onto Tony’s lips. That night they lay together in each other’s arms. New year, new us. We might not deserve the bullshit that’s happening around us, everyone’s fighting their own wars, their own demons and monsters, but we deserve to love each other.