Acceptance
Four Months after the snap
Four Months and One Week After Harley finds Out
Acceptance
“He’s dead.”
Harley watched as Pepper startled. He supposed that was fair. After all he was the asshole that hadn’t left his room in forever. To suddenly see him up might’ve been a bit of a shock, considering how adament he’d been on staying in his room. It also might’ve been a shock that the first words he said to Pepper since he had disappeared into his room for some sweet, sweet sleep. Or at least that's what he told himself.
He stepped into the dark living room, “He’s really gone isn’t he?”
“Harley,” Pepper’s voice was confused, “What…?”
“Peter. He’s gone.”
Pepper looked at him with eyes that he couldn’t read, “He might not be.”
“Don’t give me that shit,” Harley shook his head, moving to sit down next to the couch, “They don’t know where Thanos is. They don’t know if their plan will work. By Bruce’s own calculations, there's only a 15 percent chance that it could even go into effect. We don’t know if it will work, and what’s more, we don’t even know if we have a solid chance.”
“Thats,” Pepper seemed to think of her words, “Fair to be honest. I can see why you wouldn’t want to get your hopes up.”
“I do hope though.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah,” Harley looked towards the ceiling, “I’d give anything for him to be back. But at this point I need to accept he’s gone.”
“You don’t need to do anything.”
“I kind of do.”
“No you-”
“I’ve started fully hallucinating him.”
Pepper blinked. She took a second to process his words, “Fully?”
“Yeah, fully,” Harley was tense, “You know because it started with just his voice calling my name when I was tired.”
“Sleep deprivation,” Pepper realized turning to Harley with a new look in her eyes, more concerned than her last one, “You’re hallucinating from sleep deprivation.”
“Yeah.”
Pepper leaned forward, her lips pursed, “That's really not healthy Harley.”
“I know.”
“You need to sleep.”
“I know.”
“But you aren’t…?”
“I’m gonna be honest with you Pepper,” Harley looked at her with sad, tired eyes, “I can’t any more. That's why I need to accept it. But every time I try to I just… I hallucinate him. His voice ringing over my room. His eyes are still burnt into mine. Like… I can’t close my eyes without seeing his face. Without seeing him.”
He turned to Pepper fully, “I started to forget what my mom looked like a year after she died. And thank god for pictures but… I can’t forget what Peter looks like. I can’t forget about Peter. I’ve lost… everything, but I can’t lose what he had with me. What I had with him.”
“But you need to sleep.”
“Dad doesn’t.”
“Your dad,” Pepper hesitated, before just saying it, “Is a fucking idiot who doesn’t take care of himself.”
Harley stayed silent, and Pepper continued, “You’re meant to be better than him, you realize right? That's what he wants. For you to be better. For you to be more-”
“I can’t be more,” His voice was shakier than he’d like to admit, “All I know for sure is that when I don’t sleep I see Peter. That's why I need to just… come to terms with his death. To accept it. Because for god's sake Pepper, I can’t do this. I can't keep living for thirty minute naps between being awake. I can’t keep doing this.”
“Harley-”
Harley continued like he hadn’t heard her, “I can’t keep pretending that if I just close my eyes and listen to the whisper of his voice it’ll be real. Because its not. He’s not here anymore. And I’m- I’m-” Harley struggled to find the words- “I’m killing myself to see him alive.”
“Oh Harley,” Pepper’s lips were pressed in a thin line, “I’m so sorry.”
“I don’t eat anymore,” Harley admitted, “I just physically can’t do it. I can’t eat. I can’t eat because every time I do, I feel so so guilty. I feel so so angry. I feel so- so-” Harley paused pressing his palms into his eyes, “Bad. I just feel bad. There’s nothing I can do, nothing anyone can. I’m just being fucking pathetic, and I don’t wanna be pathetic. I wanna be more. I want to eat and sleep, and take care of myself, but god dammit.”
Harley took a deep breath, “I keep imagining what it would be like to start a bath and just. Sink.”
“Oh,” Pepper took a sharp breath, “Please don’t.”
“I couldn’t,” Harley admitted, “Even if there is comfort in the bottom of a swimming pool, or whatever, I can’t. Because I close my eyes, and Peter is there. MJ is there. Ned. Harry. Shuri. Everyone I care about. They’re there. Just behind my eyelids, and I know they wouldn’t want me to die. They wouldn’t. They all cared about me so so much, and here I am, the last one of my friend’s alive.”
“I can’t imagine-”
“I know you can’t,” Harley closed his eyes, his mind far away, “They wouldn’t want me to die. Logically I know that. The dreams I have don’t know that though. There’s very few things stopping me- Abbie can’t lose anyone else, I’m scared, Harry’s attempts, Peter- but I just… I want them back. And I don’t know how to get them back. So I need to move on. I need to accept it. I need to do more, or be better, but I can’t. I can’t. I can’t let them go… I can’t let him go.”
“But you need too.”
“He’s dead.”
“He may not be.”
Harley looked at her, and for the first time she really saw just how tired he was. Just how drained and upset he was. It was unnerving, watching her brain put together just how little he had been sleeping, “I can’t keep holding out for that. I can’t keep hoping that he’s okay. Let's be honest here, Pep, he’s not coming back. We can’t keep holding out for something that might not ever happen. I can’t keep holding out for that. Not when I’m wasting away.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Harley smoothed down his shirt collar, the action familiar and nice. Something he had used to do for Peter after he pulled him down for a kiss, “You didn’t do anything. Thanos did. And Peter chose to go out and fight him. Instead of being here. With me.”
“You don’t blame him though,” Pepper blinked at him, her brow furrowed, “Right? Like you knew what you were signing up for when you started dating a superhero, right?”
Harley gave her a deadpan look, which he was sure came off as much more asshole-ish than he was going for, “Of course I did. I’m not upset that he went and fought. I’d never be mad at him for being a hero. Not anymore, at least. I get it. He’s Spider-Man. He’s Peter Parker. He’s a hero. I understand that,” He paused looking back at the ceiling, “I just wish he had been here. I wish I had gotten to kiss him one more time. I wish I had gotten to hold him one more time. I just… I wish.”
“I know,” The heartbreak was palible in Pepper’s voice, but Harley pretended he didn’t notice, “I’m sorry.”
“Pep.”
“I know you say I shouldn’t be,” Pepper sighed, “And you’re right. I had nothing t do with the snap, or Peter’s choice to go and fight. I’m not sorry for that. I am sorry that your heart is broken. I am sorry that he’s gone. I’m sorry for a lot of things.”
“I’ll be okay.”
Harley didn’t look at her, even when her hand found its way to his shoulder, an attempt to get his attention no doubt, “You won’t be okay. You just admitted to having suicidal thoughts, Harley. You’re so so strong, and so so so brave. Everything you’ve been through… everything you’re going through… it's not easy, and I’m so sorry that you had to go through all of this. You deserve so much more than what you’ve gotten.”
“But,” Pepper sighed again, “You’ve always had so much love and hope in your heart. It’s okay that you don’t have that right now. It’s okay. You might not be okay for a long long time Harley, but guess what?”
“What?”
“I’m here,” Pepper told him very seriously, and he looked at her, “I may not be Macy, but you’re my kid. So I’m always going to be here. I’ll always be here. So will Abbie, who adores you more than anything in the entire world. So will Tony, your dad who loves you very much. You have so so much.”
“I just,” Harley let tears come to his eyes, “I miss him. So so so much.”
“I know."
And in the morning light filtered into Stark Tower, a mother held her son while he cried.
Four Months after the snap
Four Months and Two Weeks After Harley finds Out
Acceptance
“Harley?”
Harley glanced up from his laptop, quickly shutting it when he saw it was Tony, “Hey.”
“We know where he is,” His dad stepped into the room, taking a seat at the foot of his bed, “Thanos. We know where he is.”
“Oh,” Harley breathed out, eyes wide, “Oh my god.”
“We know where he is. We’re going to fight him.”
“Oh my god,” Harley sat up straighter, “Holy shit. You know where he is.”
They knew where Thanos was. Harley let the words sink in for a second. This was… a shock to say the least. They finally pinpointed where Thanos was. Which meant they might have a chance, a thought Tony voiced.
“We have a chance.”
“You guys might have a chance.”
“We leave tomorrow.”
Harley raised a brow at his dad, more concerned than anything, “Tony, are you guys even prepared? Have you planned a battle strategy, or a method of transportation.”
“Of course I have, I’m Tony Stark,” Tony ran a hand through his hair, “ What kinda fool do you take me for? I’ve been talking about this battle since the snap. We have everything in place. We have a ship. We have the methods to get there. With Nebula’s guidance, we have a fairly good picture of how to get there. It's just a matter of making it there, which we can do with the lightspeed engine.”
“How long will it take?”
“Hard to say,” His dad shrugged, “Depends if we can get the engine running or not.”
Harley blinked hard, “Wait. I thought you said you were leaving tomorrow.”
“We have the regular engine up, just not the lightspeed engine.”
“Son of a bitch,” Harley Muttered, sliding out of bed, “Get your ass to the lab. I’m coming to help.”
He made it to the door before Tony grabbed his wrist, “Will you fight?”
He paused. Would he fight?
He honestly didn’t know. He couldn’t know. As good as this was… it might not work. It might be a suicide mission. Better to not get his hopes up.
He shook his head, “We’ll see.”
He ended up not joining them in the fight.
Kind of by his own choice, but also kind of by the fact that Bruce had done a once over and said he wasn’t fit to fight. He looked as dead as he felt apparently. He was actually kind of glad that Bruce had made the call for him not to fight. He didn’t think fighting was a good idea.
Kinda hard to back a fight that he didn’t really believe in.
Which was weird.
He wanted Peter back so so so much, but there was just… no way he was coming back. Peter was dead. And no amount of hallucinations and bad dreams would fix that. No matter how many times he reached out in the night, reaching for a boy who no longer existed. Peter Parker was dead. And he needed to accept that.
Even though it hurt, he needed to get his ass in gear and accept that.
So he wasn’t going to fight. He couldn’t. He couldn’t fight, and fail and have to be faced with the grieving process all over again. Because if he fought, if he allowed himself to believe that Peter was going to be back… he would truly go through this again.
But this time, he wasn’t sure he could live with himself.
Wasn’t sure he could live life like this.
But that didn’t matter. It didn’t matter as he finished the engine based off of Shuri’s blueprints. It didn’t matter as Tony hugged and kissed his family goodbye. It didn’t matter as the Avengers poured into the spaceship. It didn’t matter as he watched the space ship fly off.
They left on Wednesday.
And on Thursday, he crashed. Bad. The hallucinations got worse and he… he didn’t know if he could do this.
He didn’t know if he could hope.
Four Months after the snap
Four Months and Three Weeks After Harley finds Out
Acceptance
There’s a knock on his door.
No one ever knocks on his door anymore. They know he won’t answer it, so they just walk in, and hope for the best. It's never the best.
And right now, Harley isn’t in the mood to deal with Abbie’s soft voice, or Pepper’s kind eyes, or anything. He just wasn't in the mood for anything. He just wanted to rest. To sleep. Except not to sleep, because he was finally almost at that point where he was good. Where everything in reality closed down and it felt more like a dream.
Well the hallucinations felt more like a dream.
So he closed his eyes tight, turning his back away from the door, “I’m tired.”
“Harley?”
He shot up, scrambling to the wall behind him as he took in the image in front of him.
Peter Parker.
Peter Parker in a torn up Spider-suit, with a black eye and a split lip. Peter Parker breathing alive and well. Peter Parker, looking at him, looking too afraid to move. But his eyes were scanning every inch of his frame. Peter Parker who looked alive and well and breathing. Peter Parker who was okay.
His Peter.
His Peter. His Peter who was standing there clutching his mask and looking at Harley like he wasn’t really there. His Peter who had such beautiful eyes and messy mask hair. His Peter who looked too good to be true.
His Peter who was to good to be true.
His Peter who was a hallucination.
It had to be.
It couldn’t be real, because Peter was dead. Peter was dead and he was never coming back to him and that was that. That was what was true. He needed to accept that already and get over it.
But how could he?
How could he get over it when his brain supplied him with the image in front of him. Of Peter, alive and standing and well. How could he accept that Peter was dead when his mind likes playing tricks on him.
He clinched his eyes tight, “Peter.”
“Harley...”
God it sounded so much like him. It sounded so so so much like him. Like the voice Harley had been needing to hear for months. It was so real. It was so real and Harley hates that his mind was doing that. Playing this trick on him. Because it hurt. It hurt.
“You’re not real,” Harley choked out, face hot with feeling, “God you’re not real.”
“What?” The hallucinations voiced hitched, “Harley- Harley I swear to god I’m real.”
Harley presses his hands to his ears, but he knew that wouldn’t muffle the sound of peters voice. God he missed Peters voice. He almost wanted to open his eyes just to look at the hallucination. Just to see Peter again. But that wasn’t a good thing.
He needed to accept that Peter was dead.
He didn’t need this hallucination. Not right now.
He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t face the image of his boyfriend that his mind stirred because it wasn’t real. It wasn’t his Peter and that broke him a little bit. He heard footsteps, and his eyes opened out of someone else’s accord, because he didn’t want to look at his hallucination.
The hallucination got on his knees in front of the bed, “Harley, please-“
“You’re not real,” Harley presses his palms to his eyes, trying to press the tears back, talking to himself, “Peter is dead. Peter died because of Thanos. This is just another hallucination. This is just another hallucination. He’s dead. No matter how much you want him back he’s still dead. He’s dead. This is just another hallucination.”
“God Harley,” The hallucination reached for him, and he pressed himself harder to the wall. Touch would break the illusion. It always did. The hallucination wore a pained and hurt expression, tears welling up in those perfect brown eyes, “I’m real, I swear I’m real.”
“It’s not real.”
“I’m real.”
“It’s not real,” Harley hiccuped, scrubbing at his eyes, “This isn’t real.”
The hallucination reached for him again, and he tore his arm back. As much as it hurt, at least he was seeing Peter. Maybe it was Peter who wasn’t real, but at least it was Peter. And touch would break the illusion. And a small selfish part of him really didn’t want Peter to go away.
The hallucination made a broken noise, “Harley, please, please I’m real. I swear to god I’m real.”
“It’s not real,” Harley repeated scratching at his arms now because maybe pain would make it go away, “This isn’t real.”
“I’m real, please, Harley,” The hallucination was begging in Peters voice, “Let me hold you, please Harley, I’m real- let me show you I’m real.”
Harley looked at the hallucination and finally couldn’t hold back the tears, “But you’re not real. Peter died. You’re just another hallucination.”
“I’m real,” The hallucination was crying too, “I’m real. I’m real and I love you. I love you so much Harley god- god- when I was trapped in that stone you were the only thing keeping me going- Harley please, I’m real, I’m real.”
“This isn’t happening!” Harley was sobbing at this point.
“But this is happening,” The hallucination told him, years streaming down his face, “I’m real. I’m back. And you’re back. We’re both okay- Harley I’m real- I’m so sorry I wasn’t back sooner- please Harley- please.”
“You’re not real.”
“But I am real,” The hallucination pleaded, “I swear to you I’m real. I’m as real as our first kiss on the roof of stark tower when we were fifteen years old, just kids in love and trying to figure each other out. I’m as real as our first actual date, where I was so nervous I spilt a milkshake all over the both of us and you just laughed and told me I was ridiculous. I’m as real as-“
“Stop,” Harley choked out, “Stop- I don’t wanna remember the things I had with him- stop-“
“Harley, I’m real,” His voice was so so much like Peters, “I’m real. I’m as real as your freckles and the ones you gain during the summer months that you hate but I love because they’re so you. I’m as real as our first fight in the rain on the roof of stark tower where I told you I wasn’t going to leave you alone. And I’m not. I’m not gonna leave you alone. I’m never going to leave you alone. Not now. Not ever. I’m real, Harley, I’m real.”
“But you did leave me alone!” Harley wheezed out between sobs.
“I-“ The hallucination seemingly couldn’t think of words, “We were both alone. You were here, thinking I was dead. I was there, trying to find a way back to you. We were both so alone, but Harley, Love, please believe me when I tell you I’m real. Believe me because I am real, Harley, I’m real. I know you don’t think I am,” His voice hitched and his tears picked up in frequency, “But please, please, I’m real, and i love you. Please, please, Harley.”
Harley wanted to reach for him, even though he knew it would break the hallucination, he needed to reach for him, but he wouldn’t allow himself that. Not yet, “You’re dead.”
“I’m not dead,” He reached for Harley hesitantly and silently asking for permission to touch him, “I’m not dead Harley.”
And Harley gave in.
He threw himself onto the hallucination, not caring if he crashed in the floor when it broke. He circled his arms around the hallucinations neck, crying into the very real shoulder.
The very real hallucination.
The very real Peter Benjamin Parker.
He cried out, sobbing hard, “You’re alive!”
“I’m alive,” Peters grip on him was tight and good and so much better than he had remembered, “I’m alive- god Harley, you’re okay.”
“Wha- I’m okay,” Harley spluttered, ugly crying, running his hands over Peter shoulders and neck, trying to assure himself that he was really there, “Of course I’m okay- you- you died!”
“I didn’t die,” Peter pulled back a little to study his face cupping Harley’s jaw and keeping their bodies as pressed together as he could, “I- I was stuck in the soul stone. In a world without you.”
Harley kisses him hard, pressing his mouth to Peter’s, too busy crying to actually kiss him, “Peter-“
“Harley,” Peter leaned into him, one arm looped around his waist the other cupping his cheek, “God Harley.”
“You’re real, you’re real, you’re not dead you’re real,” Harley was repeating the words to both him and Peter, hands coming to rest on the nape of Peters neck, “You’re real.”
“I’m,” Peter presses a kiss to his forehead, “Real,” he pressed a kiss to both cheeks, “I’m,” He presses a kiss to Harley’s nose, “Alive,” And he finally kissed Harley on the lips, pressing a soft kiss.
Harley wanted to cry even more.
He was back. Peter was back. Peter was back and everything was going to be okay, because he was alive.
Harley smiled into the kiss, still crying, “I love you, I love you- I love you so much.”
“I love you too,” Peter ran a hand through Harley’s hair, “God I love you so so much, I love you, god Harley-“
Harley kisses him hard again, “I love you more-“
“Impossible.”
“Totally possible,” Harley wipes away Peters tears with his hand, “Totally possible because I’m currently so in love with you I would do anything to keep you around.”
Peter returned the gesture of wiping tears by wiping Harley’s own, “You don’t need to do anything, because I’ll always be around. I’ll always be here.”
“You weren’t here-“
“And I’ll never not be here again,” Peter whispered, pressing their foreheads together, “As long as you promise to always be here.”
“God Peter,” Harley wanted to laugh, so he did. He laughed and it bubbled, and he felt like it was the first time he had laughed in months, “Of course I’ll always be here. I love you. I love you so much.”
“You’re my everything,” Peter told him very very seriously, smile growing on his face, “You’re my everything, Harley Keener.”
Harley laughed again, so so fucking happy, “God you wanna talk about everything’s? You can ask literally anyone and they’ll tell you how you’re my everything. How you completed me so wholly.”
“Oh believe me I know,” Peters brow furrowed, “Abbie ratted you out.”
“Oh.”
“You need to take care of yourself, Harley.”
“I will,” he promised, because he would, “I was in a bad place, but I swear to you right now that I will take care of myself. So long as you help me. And don’t pretend you’re so innocent,” Harley’s thumb traced over the obvious and dark bags under his eyes, “You need to sleep more.”
“I couldn’t,” Peter said honestly, “Not when I knew you were in a different universe that I couldn’t reach. Not when I was separated from you like that. You’re my everything, and I couldn’t handle that being taken away, so I pushed myself as hard as I could to make it better. I needed you back so badly, so I fought and I fought until I collapsed. God, everyone was so worried about me, but I just needed to get you back. So I couldn’t sleep.”
Peter took a breath, placing a soft kiss on Harley’s temple, “Not when I needed you back.”
Harley kissed him, as deeply as he could.
He was so in love with Peter Benjamin Parker. He was so in love with the friend he had made all those years ago over a mean ask about a hero they both loved. He was so in love with the superhero he kissed on the night of his first homecoming. He was so in love with the kid he had met in his freshman year of high school.
He was so in love with the man that Peter Benjamin Parker has become.
His Peter. His Spider-Man. His love. His life. His everything, if he was honest.
Everything's Okay
Acceptance
It’s maybe a week after they all came back. A week since they all came back safe, and alive. A week since Peter had walked into his room and Harley had freaked out because he wasn’t sure if he was real. A week since they had everyone back. A week since the world was saved.
That's not what Harley cares about though, if he’s honest. He cares that he’s awake. He’s awake and he’s warm. Because Peter is back by his side. Maybe this was one of the things he had missed the most. The constant ever present warmth of his boyfriend when he woke up, every morning.
He still found it hard to sleep.
The memories of the four months where he was alone- well not alone but still alone- are too engraved into his mind for him to be able to sleep. But, Peter hadn’t questioned him when he had slipped into his bed every single night for the past week. In fact, Peter had been too busy holding him to question anything.
And he appreciated it.
Back before- before the snap, before he had been left alone for four months, grieving and suffering- he and Peter had done a game of, ‘oh can i stay over tonight?’ but it had never been a blatant need to not leave his side. To not be separated. It kinda made Harley feel stupid- after all, Peter was back. He didn’t have to worry anymore because Peter was back.
He was real. He wasn’t one of those hallucinations that Harley had when he was at his worst point. He wasn’t a dream. He was real. He was breathing steadily, asleep next to him. Harley could feel the rise of his chest, the beat of his heart. Peter was back and he was not alone. He was fine.. And yet he was still afraid of letting Peter Parker out of his sight- which was ridiculous.
It was all ridiculous.
He didn’t need to be upset about this.
Not right now when Peter was asleep, and Harley was resting his head on his chest. The small breathes and puffs of air Peter Parker made when deep into the REM cycle still made him feel like a giddy teenager who was sharing a bed with his crush for the first time. Which was stupid because this was his boyfriend of three years, who he had shared a bed with multiple times. Who he had done more than share a bed with multiple times. But then again, this was his boyfriend of three years who had been dead for the past four months.
He found his hands tracing out ‘I love you’ onto Peter’s chest, as the boy’s eyelids fluttered and he slowly woke up.
His eyes were drawn to Harley’s, and he smiled. Harley had missed that smile so much, and he hadn't even realized how much until Peter’s sleep heavy voice brushed over his ears, “Morning, love.”
“Morning,” Harley breathed, taking in the view of Peter Parker, “You sleep good?”
“Always when I’m with you.”
Harley couldn’t help himself. He laughed, “You’re so cheesy.”
“I think I have a right to be cheesy,” Peter pouted at him, pulling him closer, “Especially since my beautiful, wonderful, amazing boyfriend is here resting in my arms.”
“God,” Harley laughed again, “You’re ridiculous.”
“Mhmm,” Peter smiled at him, “And you haven’t even kissed me awake yet.”
Harley didn’t answer him, instead choosing to lean up and press a small kiss to his boyfriend's cheek. Then his other cheek. Then his forehead. Then his temples. Then his nose, and finally, Harley kissed Peter. Both of them were too busy giggling to do any actual kissing, but the warmth that Harley felt growing in his chest helped to make it all feel okay. Good.
He pulled back slightly, to look Peter in the eyes, scanning his face for the pink blush that always coated Peters cheeks when he kissed him. Coupled by the small wheezes of laughter Peter had from all the kissing, and Harley could tell that this would be ingrained into his mind forever, “Better?”
“Mmmm,” Peter pretended to think, his hand snaking to the back of Harley’s neck, “I think I might need a few more kisses to find out.”
Harley rolled his eyes, “You’re so needy.”
“I haven’t seen you for four months,” Peter told him, still laughing slightly, but that didn’t change the slightly serious undertone to his voice, “I want all the kisses I can get.”
Harley frowned.
Right.
Four months away from Peter Parker. Four months away from the boy he loved the most. Four months alone.
He sat up, straddling Peter, leaning forward to press his forehead to Peters, and closing his eyes, “I’m sorry.”
“What?"
“I just,” Harley thought on his words, “You said that you were in another universe.”
“Well not really another universe,” Peter’s hands settled on Harley’s hips, “An off branch of this one created by the usage of the soul stone and reality stone, according to Dr. Strange. But yeah. I was.”
“One without me.”
“Yeah,” Peter’s voice was tight, “One without you.”
“Yo never stopped fighting.”
“I couldn’t."
“I gave up.”
Peter sat up, leaning against the board and shifting Harley till they were face to face, “Harley-”
“I shouldn’t have given up,” Harley told him, finally opening his eyes again, to stare into Peters, “I should have tried harder to get you back. I shouldn’t have given up.”
“Harley, love,” Peter’s voice was soothing, hand his hand traveled up his side to cup Harley’s jaw, “The only reason I didn’t give up was because I had a wizard telling me- everyone- that we could get back and merge the worlds again. That I could have you back. That's the only reason I couldn’t give up.”
“I’m still sorry.”
“That's okay. But you don’t need to be.”
Harley shook his head, his long hair falling in his eyes, “Peter, you don’t get it. I gave up on you. I gave up on you and you were out there. And I gave up. I thought you were dead, that you weren’t coming back. That you would never be back. And I was so stupid, because I believed that. I believed you were gone. God, I’m so sorry Peter. If I had just had a little more faith-”
“Harley,” Peter’s voice was heavy, “You had so much faith that I would be okay. Tony told me. Abbie did to. So did Miles. Everyone mentioned how much you truly believed I was going to come back and be alive. And then for two months you were thinking of ways and ideas of where we could be. Miles told me about some of your theories, Harley. I know you were trying so so hard at first. And honestly, I’m so so proud of you for trying that long-”
“I should’ve kept trying longer-”
“Love,” Peter’s favorite pet name for him felt so wrong. He didn’t deserve to be called love. Not when he had given up on Peter, “Harley. Please. Just listen to me for a second. Please?”
Harley looked at Peter, searching his eyes. Blue met brown. He nodded, after realizing that Peter wasn’t going to lie to him. Wasn’t going to sugar coat it.
“I love you,” He told him, “And you were so strong. You had no reason to believe I would come back and for two months you held onto the idea that I would. You were grieving, and angry, and upset, and I have no doubt that you were destroyed. I was destroyed. When we came back to earth and you were gone, I was destroyed. And I knew we were going to get you back. You had no reason to believe we were going to be back.”
Peter’s hand slipped under his shirt, his thumb rubbing along his hip bone, as if reminding himself that Harley was there, “I get it. I get it so much. Please don’t blame yourself for not being okay enough to fight a battle that you didn’t know would actually help anything. And I love you so much for trying so hard for so much.”
“But I should have tried harder-”
“You did everything you could in the state of mind that you were in,” Peter’s voice went a little quieter, “Abbie told me how tired you were. How depressed you were. How angry you were. I won’t lie to you, during those four months were I was so angry at the world. My lowest point was… bad. But from what I’ve heard, yours was so much worse. And I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you.”
Harley shook his head, cupping Peter’s jaw to look at him better, “You listen here and you listen good, Peter Benjamin Parker. You never have to be sorry. We both went through shit. We both went through bad shit. And at the end of the day- we have each other. Alright? We have each other.”
“I know,” Peter leaned up into his touch, pulling Harley’s face closer to give him a light kiss, before pulling away, “We’ll always have each other.”
They sat in silence for a bit, Harley leaning onto his chest, his face resting on top of his shoulders. Peter’s lips were pressed against his neck, his soft breathing giving Harley goosebumps. They’d always have each other.
Peter pulled back a bit, “Abbie said you hadn’t been eating.”
“Oh,” Harley shrugged, “I just wasn't hungry.”
“Harley…”
“I know, I know,” He didn’t look at Peter, still resting his head on his shoulder, “I just… When I ate, I got tired. When I was tired… well… I slept.”
“Sleepings not bad.”
“It is when you have nightmares,” Harley shrugged again, pressing his chest to Peter’s trying to feeling his heartbeat, “And... when I didn’t sleep… I saw you.”
“You mentioned.”
“Hallucinations.”
“I know,” Peter whispered, pressing a kiss into Harley’s shoulder, “Do you wanna talk about it?”
“Maybe,” Harley shook his head as much as he could, “No. I don’t know.”
“Okay.”
“It was just easier when I wasn’t sleeping.”
Peter pressed another kiss into his shoulder, “It was the same for me.”
“You didn’t sleep either?”
“I couldn't,” Peter admitted, “I was to busy trying to find a way to get back to you. Aunt May was always on me for not sleeping, but I just… needed to find a way back.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, oh,” Peter smiled sadly, a little bitterly, “I just… I never really realized how much I loved you, how much I needed you, until you were gone. Ripped away from me. I always knew that I loved you, but god Harley, that really just…”
“Broke you?” Peter nodded, and Harley smiled at him, just as sad and bitter, “It broke me too.”
“It broke both of us.”
“Man,” Harley tried to lighten the mood a bit, but it fell flat before he even said the words, “We really are codependent aren’t we?”
Peter’s eyes scanned his face, “That’s not a bad thing.”
“You’re right. Its not.”
“Well,” Peter paused as if to think,his face dark, “It might be a little bad.”
“How so?”
“When I realized you were stuck in this world,” Peter paused, “The world without me… and I was stuck in a world without you, I fell apart. You can ask Aunt May, Ned, MJ, Harry, anyone who was there with me… and they can all tell you. I was bad, Harley. I was so bad. I was breaking down in the streets, trying to find you- or Abbie, or Miles, or Pepper, anyone- and fighting my way through my emotions because I couldn’t deal with the idea that we may not be able to get back.”
Peter paused again, moving his hand to wipe at his eyes, “That I may never have been able to get back to you. To see you again. And I was so angry. I was always so angry. I was ready for a fight constantly and it just… I think it destroyed me. Missing you destroyed me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You never have to be sorry.”
“We both suffered pretty badly.”
“Yeah,” Peter pulled back a bit, “Are we going to be okay?”
Harley pulled back a little to, looking at his boyfriend with calculating eyes, “Yeah. I think we will be. Not anytime soon but, hey, we have each other? Right?”
“Always.”
“Then we’ll be okay.”
“Would this be a bad time to ask you,” Peter moved his hand to cup Harley’s, lacing their fingers together, “If you would want to get married?”
“No,” Harley shook his head, “This wouldn’t be a bad time. In fact I think it's the perfect time.”
Peter looked nervous, gripping Harley’s hand tighter, “So?”
“So what?”
“Do you want to?”
“Peter,” Harley moved both hands to cup Peter’s face, dragging Peter’s hand along with him, “I literally just said we’d be okay if we always had each other. I’ve been wearing the ring you bought me since the day I found out you weren’t coming back. If you think that I would ever say no, then you’re fucking insane.”
Peter didn’t respond, just leaned up and kissed Harley like his life depended on it. Harley sighed in content, leaning into the kiss with all his heart, letting it get deepened, as his boyfriend- no, fiance- finally got his morning kiss. By the time that Peter pulled away, Harley was chasing after his lips, and Peter was smiling, “We’re going to get married.”
“We’re gonna get married,” Harley agreed, smile so wide and glowing that it hurt his cheeks, “We’re gonna get married, Peter.”
“I love you,” Peter told him, cupping his face, “I love you so so much. I know when we talked about it we said we were gonna wait until after college-”
“Oh fuck that,” Harley cut him off, kissing his forehead, “Fuck that so hard. I just got you back. I just got you back for good, and you can bet your ass I am putting a ring on it and keeping it there.”
“You took the words right out of my mouth,” Peter told him with a smile, bringing him down for another kiss.
Their kissing quickly turned into more, but Harley found himself too happy and too enthralled in Peter to actually care about how long they were taking to get out of bed.
After all, they now had all the time in the world.
All the time in the world to love each other. All the time in the world to start their days. All the time in the world to kiss. All the time in the world to eat breakfast. All the time in the world to be happy. All the time in the world to be okay.
Because right now, in that moment, everything was okay.