Chapter 1
“I’m here.”
Loki held the stopper up in his hand for a few long seconds before letting his arm fall awkwardly to his side. Thor had not said a word, simply continuing to gaze at him with a warm smile spread across his face, his one eye crinkled at the corner. Loki wracked his brains for something else to say, anything to break the silence, but for once nothing came to mind. Just as it was becoming truly uncomfortable, as he was thinking that perhaps he had made a mistake in coming back, Thor closed the distance between them in a few rapid steps and pulled Loki into a tight hug.
Loki went rigid at the contact. Thor had not hugged him since before his botched coronation so many years before. In fact, Loki couldn’t remember hugging anyone else since then either. For a moment, he held his breath, arms pinned by his sides, waiting for it to be over. However, when it became clear that Thor didn’t intend to let him go until he reciprocated, Loki slowly brought his arms up around his brother and relaxed into the embrace.
“There,” Thor chuckled in his ear. “Was that so hard?”
Loki fought the impulse to shove Thor away with a biting remark. This newfound peace between them was much too fragile for that. Had Thor not left him seizing on the floor of a hangar in Sakaar just the day before? He had certainly seemed happy to see Loki reappear on Asgard, but Loki didn’t want to risk anything. “No, I suppose not,” he said somewhat reluctantly, resting his chin on Thor’s shoulder. “Although you’re beginning to crush me, brother,” he couldn’t resist adding.
“Oh, sorry.” Thor released him and stepped backward, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “I just…I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you came back.” Thor gave him that warm smile again.
“So I gathered,” Loki said. He looked down at his feet to hide the faint flush that was spreading across his face. What’s the matter with me? he thought furiously. It’s only Thor. But this was all unfamiliar terrain for him. He had never stuck around to see what happened after Thor saved the day. Were they supposed to…talk? Loki felt like he had shown too much of his hand, that by following Thor to Asgard and returning to the Statesman he had revealed how much he cared, and he was not at all comfortable with it.
Another awkward silence expanded between them. “So…,” Loki cleared his throat. “What do we do now?”
Thor laughed, and Loki was relieved that he sounded as uncertain as Loki felt. “Well,” Thor said slowly, “I don’t know about you, but I think destroying our home planet to stop our evil sister from killing all of our people means we deserve a drink.” As he spoke, he walked back over to the table where the drink he had already poured for himself had been abandoned the moment Loki appeared.
“I wholeheartedly agree,” Loki said, trying not to show how much his heart swelled to hear Thor say our so many times in one sentence. It was the first verbal confirmation Thor had given that he still saw the two of them as a team of sorts since their conversation in the elevator when his brother had all but disowned him. Loki had figured he was bluffing then – but it was nice to have his suspicion confirmed.
Thor selected a bottle of some amber-colored liquid from an assortment on the table and poured a glass for Loki. Glad to see the liquor was a normal color – this ship had after all belonged to the Grandmaster and Loki had tried some truly aberrant concoctions during his brief time on Sakaar – he took the glass from Thor and raised it. “To your health,” he said with only the faintest hint of sarcasm.
Chuckling, Thor raised his drink as well. “And yours, brother,” he said, then downed the entire glass in one go. “Another?” he asked, already reaching for the decanter.
Loki stared at him, eyebrows raised. “Well, at least you’ve stopped shattering things when you say that,” he muttered, taking a sip. It burned a little but also warmed him from within. Loki had forgotten how cold space was, even for him. He finished the glass and handed it back to Thor to refill.
As Thor poured the second round, Loki wandered over to the window on the far side of the room. He couldn’t see anything outside – no other ships, no planets. Just infinite blackness broken here and there by stars. Dread welled up inside of him before he even realized why. Then all at once, it hit him. The view reminded him of the Void, of falling through nothing for an eternity, of silence, of cold, of oblivion.
And then he had landed and everything had gotten so much worse. Loki shuddered.
Of course, Thor chose that moment to appear at his elbow. “Are you okay?” he asked, handing Loki his glass, his eye filled with infuriatingly sincere concern.
“I’m fine,” he snapped, but he knew he was being unfair. It was nice that Thor was concerned. He had already admitted to himself that he wanted Thor to care, so there was no sense in denying it now. He sighed and took the drink. “I’m just…cold,” he finished lamely.
“You’re cold?” Thor said with surprise. Loki didn’t miss the inflection.
“Yes, Thor, even frost giants can sometimes feel cold,” he said, but there was no venom in his tone. He was suddenly exhausted. Turning away from the window, Loki walked a few feet and more or less collapsed into the nearest chair – high-backed and upholstered in what looked like red vinyl, a monstrosity undoubtedly designed by the Grandmaster. It wasn’t comfortable, but it was better than still being on his feet.
Thor remained staring off into literal space. “I just can’t believe it’s gone,” he said abruptly. “Our home, almost everyone we ever knew…it’s all gone.” Thor turned to face him, and for the first time he really looked like he had lived for more than a thousand years. “If I tell you that you’re all I have left, are you going to stab me?”
Loki gave his brother a weary smile. “You’re treading on dangerous ground,” he said, “but just this once, I’ll allow it. Even if it’s not true. You still have Heimdall and Banner and the rest of your moronic friends on Earth.” Though why Thor would deign to associate with them, Loki still didn’t know.
“Yes, I suppose,” Thor sighed and stumbled into the chair beside Loki. “But all the same, I’m glad to have you here too.”
“You already said that,” Loki reminded him, shifting uncomfortably. Thor was being unusually open with his feelings. Perhaps his suspicious nature was getting the best of him, but Loki sensed a trap. “You certainly seem to be feeling sentimental tonight.”
“I know I did,” Thor said, ignoring the second part of Loki’s statement. “But you didn’t have to come back. Not just to the ship, but to Asgard. You saved everyone. We wouldn’t have survived if you hadn’t shown up with the Statesman.”
“You really don’t need to thank me,” Loki mumbled, avoiding Thor’s gaze. He didn’t know why he was denying the praise. Hadn’t he wanted this? To be the hero of Asgard, whose bravery surpassed even that of his mighty brother? But now that it was spoken aloud, Loki felt like he didn’t deserve it. He took another drink to hide his uneasiness.
“I’m not trying to thank you,” Thor said. “I’m just saying – you did the right thing. And I’m…” Thor trailed off and paused for a long moment. “I’m proud of you.”
Loki was stunned into silence. This was a complete reversal from the words Thor had said when he left him on the hangar floor. Life is about growth, but you seem to just want to stay the same, he had said. You’ll always be the God of Mischief, but you could be more. Loki’s return to Asgard was motivated mostly by the desire to prove Thor wrong, and apparently he had succeeded. Or maybe he had proven Thor right? He wasn’t sure anymore.
“Okay, now I am going to stab you,” Loki said when he could speak again.
Thor laughed. “Come on, I thought you wanted to be the savior of Asgard,” he said. “Isn’t that what your play was all about? But when I try to acknowledge it, you don’t want to hear it."
Loki shook his head. “I did – I do. I just, I don't…thank you,” he said haltingly.
Thor frowned at him, forever trying to unravel the enigma that was his brother. “You know I didn’t mean it, right?” he asked. Loki suspected what Thor was referring to, but he elaborated anyway. “What I said in the elevator. That you should have stayed on Sakaar and we’d be better off going our separate ways. We’ve had our share of ups and downs — actually, we’ve had way more than our share — but I would never want you out of my life. You know that, don’t you?”
Raising an eyebrow, Loki quipped, “Well, if I didn’t before, the hug kind of gave you away.”
Thor turned his eye heavenward — or would have, if they had any heavens to look toward at the moment. “I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you, Loki,” he said, unamused.
Unable to keep the note of rancor out of his voice, Loki muttered, “Yes, because that’s always worked out so well for us.”
“Things could be different now,” Thor argued. “Everything else has changed. Why can’t we?”
Loki was quiet for a long moment. It wasn’t that he didn’t want his relationship with Thor to improve. Of course he did. But he was wary of things going too well for him. It was only a matter of time before the universe corrected itself and swung in the opposite direction. “We can try,” he said at last, not bothering to conceal his skepticism.
Clearly not satisfied with this answer, Thor thew his hands up. “Well, why did you come back then?” he asked sharply. “If you don’t want things to change between us? Why are you here?”
Good question. “I do! I…it’s complicated,” Loki said, not quite meeting Thor’s eye.
Thor sighed heavily. “It always is with you,” he grumbled.
Although Thor was merely agreeing with what he had just said, Loki couldn’t help feeling affronted. “What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked testily.
Thor gave him an exasperated look that quickly turned into a deliberately vacant expression. “I don’t think we should get into it tonight,” he said finally.
“No, I think we should get into it,” Loki countered. He knew he was setting his own trap now, but he couldn’t stop himself.
Scrubbing his eye with his hand, Thor started to get up from his chair. “Look, it’s been an extremely long day for both of us. We should both just get some rest and we can talk more tomorrow.”
“Or we can talk about it now,” Loki said, also standing. Thor started to walk away, presumably over to the door so he could force Loki out, and Loki followed, lessening the distance between them with every word. “You clearly have some things weighing on your mind. So go ahead. Unburden your soul, air your grievances, let’s just get everything all out in the open—”
“Fine.” Thor rounded on him. “You want to know what’s on my mind? For one thing, I haven’t exactly forgiven you for faking your death and impersonating our father. I meant what I said. I am grateful that you came back to help defeat Hela, more than I can say — but don’t think that it makes up for abandoning our father on Earth and lying to me for years—years, Loki. You let me think you were dead for years. Why?” Thor’s voice broke on the last word. “I had already thought I lost you once. Why would you do that to me again?”
Loki stood unflinching in the face of Thor’s tirade. He wasn’t surprised by any of this. He had known Thor would have questions and that he could not avoid answering them forever. “Which part would you like me to address first?” Loki asked calmly. “Why I faked my death or why I impersonated Odin?”
Thor looked taken aback. Evidently, he had not expected Loki to want to explain himself so readily. But to be honest, Loki was tired of his secrets. He had had the opportunity to keep running, keep hiding, and he had chosen instead to come back to the only place where he had ever really felt like he belonged. He would not have done so if he were not prepared to face the consequences of that choice.
Thor coughed, trying to compose himself after his outburst. He took a deep breath and then met Loki’s gaze. “Why did you fake your own death?” he asked in a much more even voice.
Loki had rehearsed this moment in his head for years, the entire time he was pretending to be Odin. “Well, the first answer to that question is that I didn’t. Not really,” Loki said. “Or at least, I didn’t intend to.” As he spoke, he untied the side of his tunic and pulled open the front, revealing a jagged, pink scar, several inches long, right in the middle of his chest. There was no room for doubt as to what could have caused it.
Thor gasped audibly, his cool composure gone as quickly as it had appeared. One hand reached out toward Loki, like he wanted to touch him, but then he caught himself and jerked his arm back. He couldn’t tear his eye away from the scar.
Anticipating his next question, Loki said, “It’s not an illusion, but you can touch it if you need to make sure. I know I haven’t made it easy for you to trust me.” He stayed perfectly still and eyed Thor warily, waiting to see what he would do.
Raising his hand again, Thor took a tentative step forward and let his fingers barely brush against Loki’s chest. The scar remained clearly visible. Thor looked up at Loki with an anguished expression. “It was real?” he said in a choked voice. “It wasn’t a trick?”
“No,” Loki said quietly, stepping backward and retying his tunic. “It wasn’t a trick.”
“But…how?” Thor looked wildly back and forth as though the answer would just appear to him. “That wound was mortal, I know it was. I watched you die. How did you survive?”
Loki shrugged and gave Thor a humorless, tight-lipped smile. “I don’t know,” he said honestly. “I thought that I was dying too — it certainly felt like I was. When I woke up a few hours later, it was as much of a surprise to me as it would have been to you.”
At this, Thor looked stricken. “Oh god…,” he groaned, squeezing his eye shut. “I left you there. Loki, I’m so sorry.” He opened his eye and looked at Loki pleadingly. “I would have sworn you were dead. I swear, I never would have left you there if I knew you were still alive.”
“I know, Thor.” Loki held up his hands to stop Thor’s spiral into self-flagellation. “I know. I’m not sure, of course, but my guess is that the wound was so severe, it took every bit of my magic reserves to heal. It must have left me so close to death that you couldn’t tell the difference. I don’t blame you for leaving me there,” Loki said gently, seeing that Thor still looked devastated. “I know you had to go save the world.”
“I was planning to come back,” Thor said hoarsely, “but by the time I defeated Malekith and returned to Asgard, they said your body had already been recovered.” The question was evident in Thor’s expression when he looked back up at Loki.
“Ah yes,” Loki nodded. “I transformed a dead elf into my corpse, and then I disguised myself as a guard and went back to Asgard to report the discovery of my body to Odin. It all played out rather well,” he added conversationally.
Thor glowered, the mention of Odin reminding him that he had more important concerns than his regret at leaving Loki for dead several years before. “So you woke up from a fake death you didn’t plan and just immediately decided to go back to Asgard and steal the throne from our father?” he asked skeptically.
“Not exactly.” Loki looked down. This was the part of the story he was dreading. He had avoided even thinking about it for years — his problems had seemed so abstract while he was pretending to be someone else — but it was now or never. “I think we better have another drink for the rest of this conversation,” he said to Thor.
Thor must have sensed the gravity of the moment because he didn’t argue. He retrieved the decanter and gestured for Loki to return to his seat, silently filling both of their glasses. After handing Loki his drink and taking his seat as well, Thor looked at Loki expectantly.
Loki took a deep, steadying breath. “There’s a lot you don’t know,” he began, “about what happened after I fell into the Void.”