Love is not enough.
That’s something Mary Jane learned early on.
Her mother’s love for her father wasn’t enough to stop him from drinking.
Her sisters love for her husband wasn’t enough to make him stay.
Her love for her mother wasn’t enough to stop the breast cancer from returning.
Contrary to popular belief, love was powerless in the grand scheme of the universe; it was fickle, capricious, and ultimately just a concept that people tried desperately to wish into existence.
Looking into Peter Parker’s soft brown eyes, at his tentative smile, she could almost fool herself into thinking it was. Almost.
They had spent the last ten minutes dancing around the subject, making small talk. Never before had Mary Jane felt this uncomfortable around Peter.
There was something about Peter that made her feel at ease in his presence. He had become her closest confidant–her best friend. Any silence between them was usually comfortable, not this tense, pregnant silence.
Peter was fidgety; awkwardly fiddling with his straw, lightly tapping the end of it against the rim of his cup like a drum stick before moving on to shredding the paper wrapping into tiny little balls.
Mary Jane’s gaze fleeted around the quiet, nearly empty diner; a middle aged couple sat together a few tables in front of them, a waitress was milling about with a pot of coffee in hand, a young man in headphones utilizing the free wifi–no one paying too much attention to the young man and woman sitting across from each other, delaying the inevitable conversation that would alter their friendship.
She could feel Peter staring at her expectantly, prompting her to broach the subject. They were at a crossroads, waiting for the other to make the first move. She’d rather avoid it, but as she had learned, some things were unavoidable.
“Mary Jane, are you mad at me?” Peter quietly asked, imploring her to focus on him. Those expressive brown eyes paired with that kicked-puppy expression of his never failed to disarm her. She wondered if he was aware of their power.
Mary Jane turned her lips up in a halfhearted smile. She shook her head. “Of course not.”
“Then why have you been avoiding me?"
“I’ve been busy.” She blurted. As soon as the words had left her lips she visibly cringed at the lame excuse. It was insulting to his sensibility.
Peter pursued his lips. “Did I read the situation wrong?” He asked. “I mean I thought we...” He hesitated, his eyes flitting to the table top, nervously carding his fingers through his brown hair before raising his eyes to her once more. “Did I cross a line somewhere?” Peter asked, forehead furrowed in concern.
She was already hurting him. What kind of monster hurt Peter Parker?
“Of course not, Tiger.” Mary Jane earnestly assured him. “That night was great. Really, it was. Thank you.”
“But you regret that it happened.” Peter conceded.
Mary Jane wasn't sure how to respond to that, which Peter took note of due to the dejected look on his face.
Before she could think of a response, Peter continued, “MJ, I thought I had lost you that night."
"But you didn’t lose me", Mary Jane reassured him. "I’m fine." She placed her hand on top of his and brushed her thumb over his knuckles. "What happened was on me, not you. I thought I could help. You cant beat yourself up over that."
"But for a whole five minutes", Peter insisted, "I thought you were gone." By the anguish in his expression it was evident that he was reliving it. “And it was like my whole world had fallen apart.”
It was one of the scariest moments of her life. For a few minutes she believed that Peter wouldn't be able to reach her on time and that she was going to be killed. Her life didn’t flash before her eyes like how it was depicted in the movies, but there was this overwhelming sense of regret and longing for a future that she would be denied.
Then she thought of Peter, of the lifetime of guilt he'd carry on his shoulders over her death. She didn’t want to leave behind a legacy of sorrow; only a footnote to a tragedy.
Mary Jane refused to die a victim. She had decided that if she was going to die, then she'd die fighting. Despite being petrified with fear, she had summoned all the courage within her to fight back. Her decision could have led to a quicker demise, but it was her noncompliance that more than likely helped save her.
After the awful ordeal was over the two of them held onto each other tightly. She was still shaking from fear and it felt as though Peter was the only thing keeping her from falling apart. Mary Jane begged him to stay with her. Their emotions were so raw and left very little room for reason. Whether she or he initiated the kiss it was unclear, or perhaps they had mutually been drawn together by a magnetic force.
It started with their foreheads nuzzled against one another, and then a lightly brushing together of the lips before turning deeper and hungrier. The only thing going through her mind at that moment was how badly she wanted Peter Parker, and how badly she needed him to touch her.
“Then what happened after--being with you that way was incredible”, Peter continued as though he were reading her thoughts. The sincerity in his eyes and the wonder of his tone brought a warmth through her chest.
Mary Jane smiled. “It was.” She admitted.
Hungry kisses; roaming hands against bare skin; the sounds that left Peters mouth and hitching of his breath; Peter’s eyes boring into hers as they moved together.
Peter had uttered her name like a prayer. Each time he said her name the emotion behind the words would change. She helplessly moaned his name in response. It was like their own private conversation being carried with just the change in inflection behind their names.
Every touch, every sound, every visible scar, Mary Jane had memorized it all in vivid detail, constantly replaying it in her mind like a film. It was bittersweet, though, because the more she replayed it the more faraway it felt. Like a fantasy she had conjured, or a fever dream that lost its clarity once you had awakened, but still the emotional impact lingered.
No one had ever touched her the way Peter had touched her—so attentive, so lovingly, so hungry for her. Nor had any other man provoked her body to respond the way that he had made it respond to him.
She had exposed herself fully to him, literally and figuratively, and he had done the same for her. And in that moment they had crossed that final threshold from friends and had entered the point of no return.
The corners of Mary Jane’s mouth turned up in a a smile at the memory, but she wouldn't sustain it for long. She couldn’t afford to let her defenses down again.
The next morning after that night, Mary Jane had awakened by Peter's side with his face inches from hers. Never before had she seen Peter this peaceful. He was always a flurry of constant motion, a perpetual ball of energy with a mind that moved even after. Asleep, he was completely still, and any worry lines were smoothed.
She had wondered how anyone could be so beautiful.
Mary Jane wasn't sure how long she stared at his face and listened to his soft snores, wanting so desperately to touch him but afraid to that in doing so she would disrupt the euphoric glow lingering in her bedroom.
Yet it's impossible to not come to terms with your actions when held up in the scrutiny of day light.
The Spider-Man costume he had been wearing lay discarded on the ground, but the mask had ended up on top of her dresser. The mask seemed to regard her with its wide eyes, judging her. A glaring reminder of what she had been trying to push aside.
She'd known Peter had been Spider-Man since they were teenagers, but it was only until they had grown close in the last year and a half that she had confessed to him that she had known all along.
They had been dancing around their feelings, careful to remain in the just friends zone. Mary Jane's friendship with Peter Parker was something she wouldn’t trade for the world, and she had pushed her feelings for him deep down in order to preserve that friendship. It was easy to lie to others, to even Peter about her feelings for him, but it had been getting harder and harder to lie to herself. Now one night of weakness had ruined everything.
One a piece of notebook paper she had scribbled a lie about having an early audition and other errands that will keep her away, and left it beside him. Mary Jane didn’t answer his texts, and when she finally returned it was night and there was no trace of him, except for his scent, which lingered on her pillow.
“MJ, I love you”, Peter suddenly declared with great fervor. He then slide his hands toward hers, which were still resting on the table, and took her hands with his. “I have for a long time. I’m sorry it took me nearly losing you to finally say it.”
Mary Jane gaped at him. She felt her throat constrict, and her heart felt like it had just done a back flip. The muscles in her mouth were working but no sound left her lips. Her mind struggled to process this new information, but the only thing running through her mind was that Peter Parker had said that he loved her.
Peter Parker loved her. Peter loved her. Peter loved her????
All this time Mary Jane had been fighting her own feelings for him, and here Peter was, declaring his love for her. Why couldn’t Peter Parker ever make things easy?
“I don’t know what to say to that.” Mary Jane said, exasperated.
“I just thought you should know”, Peter said quietly, the boldness seeping out of him. He removed his hands from hers and hid them beneath the table. He sunk back against the booth, looking up at her with guilty brown eyes.
He was surely confused. Near death experience and passionate, life affirming sex was enough to misconstrue feelings.
“Peter”, Mary Jane said gently. “You don’t owe me anything, you know.”
Peter furrowed his brow in confusion. He shook his head. “I don’t understand what you mean.”
“That night was crazy”, Mary Jane explained. “Emotions were all over the place. Just because we slept together doesn't mean things have to change between us.”
“I’m not confused.” Peter insisted. “I’ve felt this way about you for a while. I just wasn't sure that you…But then I thought...I don’t know. I was wrong”, he quickly added, averting his eyes.
“Thought what?” Mary Jane prompted.
Peter turned his gaze back to her. “That you might feel for me more than just as a friend.”
Wasn't it obvious that she did? He must have caught the way she stared at him whenever he was going on one of his diatribes about something or other. She had tried her best to compose herself but in his presence her acting skills were wasted.
“I do.” Mary Jane hesitantly admitted, as though she were professing guilt.
Peter’s eyes seemed to light up at that. “You do?”
Mary Jane pursued her lips and nodded. “That doesn't mean that things have to change between us.”
“Why not?” Peter challenged.
“What?”
“Why cant they change? Look, I’m not trying to pressure you, but why not?” Then he leaned forward conspiratorially. “Is it Spider-Man?” He asked, dropping his voice.
Having a boyfriend that risks his life on a daily basis would be a great cause of concern, but so was having a best friend risking his life. She could solely chalk up her apprehension to that fact, and it would be comprehensible, pragmatic even, to deny him on the basis of self-preservation.
But as much as the thought of something happening to Peter gave her anxiety, she also knew the importance of Spider-Man, and not only because the lives his saved, but also the hope he gave to people. The very hope he had given her when she was younger—and still did. She would always be his biggest supporter.
“That's just a part of who are, and I—” (she had almost said ‘I love that about you’) “I think it's great. You know I support you one hundred percent.”
“Then what’s stopping us?”
“It’s more complicated than that.”
“Then explain it to me.”
She wanted to say:
I’m afraid you’ll become like my father or sister’s husband and leave her when things got too difficult. That you'll be another disappointing male in my life. That you’ll feel trapped and grow to resent me. That I’ll give you everything and be left with nothing.
“Why are you doing this?” She asked aloud, her voice sounding small and helpless. “This is going to ruin everything.”
“Ruin what?”
Her face was growing hot, and she could feel tears forming in her eyes. She had to get herself together, but at the moment she was too busy struggling through the overlapping emotions within her.
“MJ, please don’t cry”, Peter pleaded. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
At that moment the stupidly oblivious waitress decided to ask them if they'd like to order, and mortified, Mary Jane moved her face away towards the wall.
“We're gonna need another minute”, Peter told her.
Mary Jane wiped her eyes with the backs of her hands despite the napkins in front of her. She wanted to avoid looking at Peter for as long as possible.
“MJ, what’s wrong?” Peter gently asked. Mary Jane shook her head, continuing to look away.
He went silent, and when Mary Jane gained the courage to sneak a peak at him she expected to see the embarrassment and uneasiness of the situation written on his face, but to her surprise he was watching her with concern, patiently waiting for her to speak.
How characteristically thoughtful. He really was determined to make this whole thing more difficult on her.
Mary Jane's sleeve would no longer suffice, she grabbed a napkin and wiped her eyes. She sniffed. “Sorry. I just…”Mary Jane shook her head. “How can you love someone that’s such a mess?” She let out a derisive laugh.
“Excuse me?” Peter made a show of looking around dramatically. “Do you know who you're talking to? If you’re a mess than I’m an epic disaster.”
Mary Jane couldn't help but smile at that. How was she supposed to go through life without Peter's goofy sense of humor? It was something she couldn't stand to lose if this went sideways.
Even as her mind presented her with the possibilities of this going bad, there was still a part of her, quieter than her doubts, but prevalent, daring her to explore the possibility that this could be right.
“If things don’t work out between us”, Mary Jane quietly said, “I don’t want to lose my best friend.”
“Oh, you won't,” Peter insisted. “I’m sorry to say, I think you’re stuck with me. Insert pun about my ability to stick to walls.”
Mary Jane let out a wet chuckle.
“You’re such a dork.”
“That I am.” Peter agreed, smiling.
“I come with a lot of baggage.” Mary Jane added.
Peter scoffed, giving her an incredulous look. “You’re looking at the king of baggage.”
“And I don’t need you to be my protector. But thanks for, you know, not letting me die. What I mean to say is that I don’t want to be an emotional burden.”
“You're never a burden.”
“Just talk to me. Let me have some of that weight you carry, alright?”
“Alright.”
“I’m trusting you”, Mary Jane urged. “That’s a huge thing for me.”
“I won't let anyone hurt you ever again, Peter said with great sincerity. “That’s a promise.”
Once again, Mary Jane noted how beautiful he was. She was convinced that Peter Parker may be the only genuinely good man left on earth, and for some inexplicable reason he wanted her.
They simultaneously leaned forward and their lips met in the middle. Once their lips parted Peter abruptly stood up.
“What are you--?” Mary Jane's sentence was cut short as Peter pulled her out of her seat and lifted her off her feet into a hug. Her yelp turned into laughter as she spun her around.
She felt light headed and giddy, like she had downed a few glasses of wine. That cloud of uncertainty and fear from minutes before had completely evaporated. It was like the room had brightened, and the air had returned to her lungs.
He set her down on her feet, holding her steady. They laughed and clung to each other, ignoring the restaurant patrons scrutiny.
To any outsider looking in they appeared to be two young people without a care in the world. It couldn’t be further from the truth. Their future was uncertain, both as a couple and as individuals. Danger closely followed Spider-Man, and those closest to him were the most susceptible.
No, love certainly wasn't enough. Love was powerless in the grand scheme of the universe; it was fickle, capricious, and so very human.
At this very moment though, they were just two crazy kids in love, and that was enough for now.