One
The beginning of the end came in the form of an innocuous text that sent Peter into a fit of giggles.
“What’s so funny, Underoos?” Tony called from where he was fixing his third (okay, seventh) cup of coffee for the day in the kitchen.
“Shuri sent me a meme,” Peter grinned, already texting back furiously in response. Tony shook his head, biting back a smile. The kid and Shuri had hit it off pretty much the moment they met, when Tony had been FaceTiming her to pick her brain on better ways to optimize a new piece of tech he was working on and Peter had happened to be in the room with him. The two had exchanged numbers and now texted back and forth way more than what Tony thinks is probably healthy, and Tony could always tell when it Shuri was the one Peter was texting by the bright smile and periodic laughter that constantly accompanied their conversations. It was pretty adorable, in his opinion.
“Which meme?” he asked, striding back into the room and dropping into his normal spot on the couch, sandwiched between Peter and Bucky, who immediately put his arm around the genius. The others were spread around the room in their various spots: Natasha draped across one of the chairs in the weirdest, most uncomfortable-looking position ever, Clint perched on top of a bookcase – apparently the guy had a thing for being up high –, Brucie Bear was sitting on the floor leaning back against the plush legs of one of the chairs, Cap and Thor duking it out over space on the other couch, and Loki sprawled out like a cat over more than half of that same couch.
“It’s a Scarlett Johansson one. We were talking about the crappy Death Note live action movie on Netflix, and Shuri said ‘how dare they cast Nat Wolff as Light when everybody knows the best person to play an Asian character is ScarJo.’” Peter cackled, obviously still getting a kick out of it, and Tony snickered.
“Alright, that’s a pretty decent one, I’ll give her props for that,” Tony admitted, ruffling his kid’s hair.
“What’s a meme?” Steve called from across the room, and Tony froze. Oh no no no, he did not just ask that question in front of Peter. Slowly, already dreading the look he knew was going to be on Peter’s face, he turned to look at the kid. And yup, he did not like what he saw. How was it possible for such a cute, innocent kid to look so simultaneously thrilled and wickedly menacing?
“You had to ask that, didn’t you, Capsicle,” Tony groaned, flopping back onto the couch.
“What’s wrong with that question? I want to know what a meme is, too,” Clint called from his perch, and Peter only looked more excited. Agreeing grumbles from the rest of the team had the kid practically vibrating in his seat, and Tony knew it was far too late to put a stop to this one now.
“If you show them any of the ones involving me, I’m grounding you,” Tony said resignedly, and Peter’s devious grin in response did nothing to inspire his confidence.
Two
Their next little foray into Peter’s Meme Land happened the very next goddamn day.
Tony had been minding his own fucking business grabbing something from the pantry and preparing to slip back down into his labs for the foreseeable future. The team appeared to be squabbling over something – no surprises there – and a closer look revealed that the god of thunder, the god of mischief, an ancient super soldier, and two world class spies were squawking indignantly at a very smug-looking 16-year-old…over Monopoly.
“Ooh did you challenge the Spiderling to Monopoly? Big mistake,” Tony commented, grinning as he retrieved the handful of half-stale chips he’d journeyed so far for.
“He cheated somehow, I know it,” Loki hissed, eyes narrowed, and some of the others made affirming noises. “I just don’t know how yet.”
“I don’t cheat!” Peter protested, then gave them a shit-eating grin. “Didn’t have to, to beat you lot,” he taunted, not looking cowed or repentant in the slightest when five pairs of murderous eyes pinned him down.
“I may break my promise not to fight your kid, Tony,” Natasha said blandly, eyes never leaving Peter, and Tony snickered.
“Hey, considering how he already wiped the floor with you once today, I might allow it so he can take you to the cleaners again,” he responded flippantly, winking at Pete when the kid beamed at him. “Besides, Loreal, you’re the god of mischief, right? Thought you said it would be a grave insult to your mother’s father’s grandmother if someone were to besmirch your mischievous name by tricking you,” Tony pointed out, munching on the chips and wandering closer to the group.
Loki looked a mixture of amused and confused. “I don’t believe I have ever said those words, Father of Iron.”
Tony waved a hand carelessly. “I’m paraphrasing. Creative license. Also, for the love of Christ, are you assclowns ever going to drop this whole Iron Dad thing? Pep said someone recorded one of you calling me that and social media blew up. They think it’s hilarious, apparently. I’m losing my hard-earned street cred,” Tony whined, flopping down on the floor between Loki and Natasha.
“Nope.”
“Never.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“Your journey into fatherhood is something to be celebrated, Man of Iron.”
“Iron Dad was trending on Twitter!” Peter piped up, grinning, and Tony groaned, dropping his head onto his knees.
“Of course it was,” he said long-sufferingly, voice muffled. Tony felt some rather unsympathetic pats on the back.
“There, there, Future Father of the Year, I’m sure you’ll earn your street cred back somehow,” Natasha said dryly.
“Okay, who broke my boyfriend?” Bucky demanded amusedly, and Tony perked up, raising his head again to beam at his newly-arrived boyfriend.
“They’re being mean to me, honeybunches,” Tony complained, bouncing to his feet and over to Bucky. He wrapped his arms around Bucky’s neck, pouting. Bucky looked like he was trying to hold back a laugh.
“What did they do, darlin’?” he asked indulgently.
“They won’t stop calling me Iron Dad and now social media thinks I’ve gone soft,” Tony whined.
“You have gone soft, Stark,” Clint called from behind him.
“Shut it, Legolas, I can make sure your next upgrade makes cavemen arrows look high tech,” Tony threatened.
“Did cavemen even make arrows?” Peter wondered aloud.
“Y’know, Thor, I think we might’ve actually managed to find the one family that’s even stranger than ours on Asgard,” Loki commented conversationally.
“I do not disagree, brother.”
“Well, doll, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I’m not sure they’re entirely wrong this time,” Bucky said, trying to maintain his serious expression. Tony gasped.
“Treachery! From my own boyfriend! You’re supposed to side with me no matter what,” he accused, narrowing his eyes at Bucky, who didn’t have the decency to look even mildly intimidated.
“Sorry, sweetheart, but you clearly have a soft spot for your kiddo, an’ everyone else can see it too.”
“Not a kid!”
“You kind of are,” Steve said.
“Thank you, Steve!” Tony exclaimed, then waggled a finger at Bucky. “You’re not off the hook, though. I’m mad at you,” he informed him, and Bucky grinned.
“How ever shall I make it up to you?” he drawled, hand sliding around Tony’s back to pull him closer.
“Mm, I think I can come up with a few ideas,” Tony said flippantly, and Bucky closed the distance, kissing him like he was the only thing on earth that mattered.
“Get a room, assholes,” Clint hollered.
“Seriously, guys?” Steve chided.
“Really? Right in front of my salad?” Peter cried. Tony was laughing as he and Bucky broke apart.
“I do not understand, you don’t have a salad,” Thor said, confusion evident in his voice. Tony turned to smirk at them.
“Really, kid, you didn’t show them the salad meme?” he asked, one eyebrow arched, and Peter’s eyes widened.
“I have to fix that right now!” And then he was diving for his phone, already chattering away about the versatility of the salad meme, and Tony shook his head in amusement.
“C’mon, soldier, they’re gonna be at this for a while, and I think you’ve still got some ‘making it up to me’ to do,” Tony said, waggling his eyebrows at his very amused but very willing boyfriend.
Three
The next three come rapid-fire, all in relation to the same battle, because of course they do; Peter has zero restraint when it comes to memes, and Tony is honestly surprised they’ve managed to last nearly two days before the next Great Meme Education Session came around.
Tony was in his workshop fiddling with designs for a new tablet design for SI, Petey in a separate corner of the room chattering at FRIDAY about something or other.
“Don’t even think about it, Cupid,” he warned without looking up, and he heard Clint cursing him out thoroughly from above his head before the archer dropped down in front of him, glitter arrow clutched in one hand, bow in the other.
“How did you know I was there?” he demanded, and now Tony did look up to cock an eyebrow at him.
“I am just that good,” he said superiorly, chin tilted.
“Also he put sensors in the vents and told FRIDAY to ping him if anyone was ever detected over his head,” Peter chimed in.
“And there’s that,” Tony agreed easily, turning his attention back to his tablet.
“Dammit! I wanted to test out the Mark 3 glitter arrows today. I added an adhesive so they’re harder to wipe off,” Clint pouted, honest-to-god stamping his foot, and Tony smirked, but Peter frowned.
“Won’t that just make them clump together?” he asked, and Clint pointed at him with the arrow.
“That’s what I wanted to test!”
“Hey, there are still six other residents of this tower you can test your toys on,” Tony pointed out, and Clint’s gaze snapped to his, cautiously hopeful.
“FRIDAY won’t warn them?” he clarified, and Tony shook his head.
“Nope,” he responded, popping the ‘p.’ “She’s only keyed to alert me and Petey here.” Clint was grinning now, eyes flashing.
“Oh they’re going to be so pissed at you when they find out,” he snickered, and Tony shrugged.
“Hey, if they want to be safe from the vengeance of glitter product testing, they can make their own early alert system, I’m not stopping them,” he said innocently, leaning back in his chair.
“You’re a cruel, cruel man, Iron Dad,” Clint declared, and Tony sputtered as the archer hoisted himself back into the ventilation system. But just as he was pulling the vent shut, the Avengers alert went off. Tony turned to one of the screens were FRIDAY was already projecting the source of the alert.
“Belay that, Katniss, I think you’re gonna get the chance to test out those glitter arrows on – are those fire-breathing lizards?”
“It would appear so, Boss,” FRIDAY confirmed.
“Sweet! Rise and shine, guys, let’s go get this bread!” Peter crowed, dashing off to grab his suit. Clint stared after him, and Tony rolled his eyes.
“What the fuck does that mean?” Clint asked.
Four
“I swear to god Tony, if you don’t get your red-and-gold ass out of the line of literal fire, Peter and I will hunt you down,” Bucky growled over the coms, and Tony barrel-rolled to narrowly avoid a stream of flames aimed his way.
“Okay, yep, you may be right, babycakes. gonna try coming at this from a different angle,” Tony decided, veering up.
“So basically you’d rather just cut the line?” Steve asked wryly.
“Cut the chatter!” Tony, Natasha, and Clint screeched over the coms as one, and Tony snorted at Steve’s violent jerk, one hand flying up to his ear.
“FRIDAY, baby girl, please tell me you recorded that,” Tony said gleefully.
“Of course, Boss,” FRIDAY responded, sounding amused.
“Okay can I just say ow?” Peter said, and Tony winced. They may have been a little enthusiastic.
“Seconded,” Loki drawled, and Tony scoffed.
“Oh please, Better Green Lantern, somehow I doubt that actually hurt your godly auditory system,” he declared, hovering and surveying the battle below. They’d managed to seemingly shepherd away the civilians, but the giant fire-breathing lizards were being remarkably reticent about getting taken in. Tony idly wondered where exactly SHIELD was even going to keep a herd of unruly pyrotechnic reptiles. Was there a division for that sort of thing? Did a team of qualified mutant-animal-expert agents guard it – or maybe they were referred to as Zookeepers in that area? That would be amusing, especially if he could convince Coulson to join that division. Then he could change Coulson’s first name in everyone’s phones and SHIELD’s official files to Zookeeper, and that sounded like a Sunday brunch well spent.
“Iron Man, I need you to reinforce Spider-Man,” Steve called over the coms, and Tony wasn’t sure there was any faster way to pull him out of a random train of thought.
“Where?” he demanded, hoping the note of desperation was noticeable only to his ears, scanning the battlefield until his facial recognition software picked up his kid. “Never mind, found him,” he bit out, diving in immediately.
Peter had gotten pushed into a corner by three of the lizards, and he was dancing out of the reach of their flames by the skin of his teeth.
“I’ve got this handled,” Peter protested over the coms, darting just barely out of the way when a blast of fire came his way. Tony hurtled toward him.
“Like hell you do, kid,” he snarled, and Peter wasn’t looking in the right direction as one of the other lizards hissed at him, flame spilling out of its mouth. Peter let out a startled yelp as the fire made contact, and Tony saw red. He blasted the lizard in its – do lizards have asses? Whatever, he was an engineer, not a zoologist, he didn’t know shit about things that weren’t made of metal. Mercilessly, he repeated the process with the other two.
“Aw, Dad, don’t hurt them!” Peter objected as the lizards scuttled away, tails pretty much literally between their legs. “They look so unhappy now. This is so sad, Alexa play Despacito,” he said mournfully.
Tony groaned, already landing in front of his kid, helmet withdrawing. “Now is not the time for your meme shit, kiddo,” he scolded, ignoring Steve’s confused mumble of, “That was one of those meme things?” He reached out and looked Peter over, manhandling him so he could check and make sure no part of his kid was injured. “Are you hurt? FRIDAY and Karen, check Pete’s vitals.”
“I’m fine, Dad,” Peter said petulantly, but he let himself get examined.
“Mr. Parker appears unharmed, other than mild first-degree burns on his right shoulder,” FRIDAY responded. Tony couldn’t hear Karen from inside Peter’s suit, so he arched an eyebrow at Peter, who Tony assumed was probably giving him an annoyed look, though he couldn’t see the kid’s face.
“Karen says I’m fine,” Peter said mulishly, and Tony nodded, letting out a last worried huff of air, heart rate starting to return to normal.
“Don’t do that to me again, kid,” he ordered, leaning down to press a kiss to the top of Peter’s masked forehead.
“Yeah, yeah,” the kid grumbled, though Tony thought he detected a shyly pleased note to the boy’s voice at being fussed over.
Five
They’d finally tracked down the person who’d put together the little lizard army, unsurprisingly though no less obnoxiously riding on the back of one of said lizards.
“You humans have no respect for reptilian life, and for that you must pay!” Aspiring Godzilla shouted imperiously, and several of the lizards around him spewed fire in response.
“Jesus, is this guy for real?” Clint muttered into the coms.
“I find myself a little embarrassed that it has taken us this much effort to apprehend this particular foe,” Loki agreed. The Hulk roared in answer.
“I’m gonna interpret for Mean Green over there and say that he’s decided the ‘bag of cats’ designation actually belongs to this guy,” Tony said, realizing his mistake when Loki frowned in confusion.
“Wait, who was the previous ‘bag of cats’ – “
“You will all bow before you lizard overlords, taking your rightful place as their underlings!” the Lizard Whisperer roared.
“Yeah, and what about you, RuneScape?” Tony challenged. “If all humans belong under the lizards – which, ew, I now regret that I said those disturbingly dirty-sounding words – then what’s your place in this new world order? Because you sure don’t look like you’re subjugating yourself to them to me, pal.”
This seemed to confuse the villain, but he quickly rallied. “I am the chosen one of our new overlords! The one who can speak on their behalf, for none but I am worthy of their attention,” he declared.
“Weird flex, but ok.” And for the love of Christ if that was Peter – nope, yeah of course it was Peter, he didn’t know why he’d even bothered to turn to look.
“One more goddamn meme out of you today, kid,” Tony threatened, but he couldn’t even muster the effort to mask his exasperated amusement.
“That was another meme?” Thor questioned, sounding befuddled. “I believe I will never get the hang of this mortal dialect.”
“You’re not alone, Thor,” Natasha said dryly.
“Focus, guys,” Steve chided, and Tony grinned to himself, already excited at the prospect of making his, Clint’s, and Natasha’s ‘cut the chatter’ the Cap’s new ringtone. “Sir, we’d like to ask you to please exit the lizard…”
+1
The days following the lizard attack – which, god, the press for that was vaguely mortifying, considering they’d been caught on camera dragging away Lizard Boy (because the dumbass had turned out to be only in his mid-twenties) away as the literal infant had screamed about lizards being the truly superior race – were blessedly quiet.
Of course, such tedium could only last so long before it all went to hell, this time in the form of Clint finally getting the opportunity to test his glitter arrows out on an unsuspecting Natasha. Needless to say, it was an unmitigated fucking disaster - the best that could be said of it was that Peter had indeed been correct and the glitter pieces all clumped together, so Natasha really only got hit in the head with a glorified unimpressive glitter pellet that left maybe three or four little pieces of glitter scattered on her shoulders.
The murderous look in her eyes as she skewered the vent above her, though, spoke of a much greater crime committed against her.
“Tasha! I’m so sorry, I was aiming for Steve! I didn’t mean to hit you, I swear!” Clint squeaked, and Tony would’ve laughed from his position hastily pouring himself another cup of coffee in the kitchen if he hadn’t been scared for the archer’s life.
“Barton,” Natasha said, her voice perfectly even and conversational and absolutely fucking terrifying. “I didn’t realize you had a death wish. If I’d known, I’d have obliged you earlier.” Another terrified squeak and the sound of what could only be Clint scurrying away as quickly as possible through the ventilation system sounded, and Natasha frowned.
“You don’t want to run from me, Clint,” Natasha said, her voice not changing from its calm nonchalance while somehow also sounding absurdly dangerous, and the scurrying noises stopped. Clint dropped out of the vent a moment later, holding both hands up in surrender and looking terrified.
“He’s gonna die,” Peter stage-whispered beside him, looking enthralled at the situation unfolding in front of them, and Tony made a noise of agreement.
“I’m sorry, Tash, I swear I went for Tony first, but he had his computer system in place so I couldn’t get to him and Peter, and then I tried Bucky but couldn’t find him either, and I didn’t really want an angry Hulk or god on my hands, so I went for Steve, but you got in the way,” Clint rushed out in pretty much one breath, and Tony’s heart dropped.
“Oh fuck,” he muttered, and sure enough, Natasha turned accusing eyes on him.
“Tony had a computer system in place, did he?” she asked dangerously, and Tony laughed nervously.
“Oh, ya know, just some casual coding I did in my downtime, nothing serious,” Tony said in a high voice with a nervous wave of his hand, and Natasha’s eyes narrowed.
“It was nice knowing you, Mr. Stark,” Peter said solemnly, and Tony shot him a dark look.
“And you decided to extend it to Peter and Bucky, but not the rest of us?” she continued, her voice deceptively light. Tony shook his head rapidly.
“Nope, no, huh-uh, just my kiddo here,” he quickly defended himself, and Natasha turned her narrowed eyes on Bucky, who looked entirely too at-ease resting against the kitchen counter.
“So how exactly did you manage to evade Clint?” Natasha challenged. Bucky took a relaxed sip of his drink.
“Some of you have never been 100-year-old brainwashed ex-assassins and it shows,” he responded blandly.
There was a pause, and then –
“Uncle Bucky for the win!” Peter crowed, punching the air, and Tony face-palmed, feeling like the gesture was becoming entirely too familiar. Clint, Natasha, and Steve looked confused.
“What did I miss?” Steve asked, looking at the super spies, but they shrugged. Peter beamed, looking like a proud parent.
“Uncle Buck has graduated from Meme Padawan to Meme Master,” Peter declared, crossing to punch a bemused-looking Bucky on the shoulder in congratulations. Tony rolled his eyes, grinning fondly at the two most important people in his life.
“Wait, seriously, that was another meme? And Bucky used it?” Clint demanded, looking put-out. Bucky shot him a smug look.
“Sure did, cupcake,” he said easily, shooting Peter a fond smile. “Couldn’t let the kid down.”
Clint’s eyes narrowed. “How?” he demanded. Bucky shrugged innocently.
“Talent and dedication,” he said mysteriously. Tony’s eyes narrowed.
“You found Urban Dictionary, didn’t you,” he accused. Bucky grinned unrepentantly.
“Damn straight.”