Chapter 2
Bucky stayed in Steve's apartment for a short while after Steve left. He took a closer look at the drawings on the wall, smiling as he saw the updrawing of Captain America as a show monkey. Beside it was one of the Howling Commandos, one of Peggy, even one of the flying car from the World Expo they'd been to before he left. He realised then that almost all of the drawings were from the war, or were based on those times. Poor Stevie, he thought, still stuck in the past even though he has a home here. Maybe it wasn't a good idea for him to have visited, maybe he'd just make matters worse.
An alleyway. A small boy backed into the corner. A taller man punching him. Bucky walked up to the man. ‘Not my Steve you don't.’ The man laughed. 'I'll do what I want, thank you very much’. Bucky punched him. He and Steve ran. 'Are you ok?’ 'Of course Buck. You don't need to protect me.’
Memories had started coming back a year ago, but he was never ready for them. He didn't need to have a flashback to know how he would have replied. ‘When you're getting that beat up, yes, I do pal. I'm with you till the end of the line.’
'Till the end of the line,’ He muttered to himself, realising he didn't want the line to end yet.
---
He took a cab to Central Park, wanting somewhere to relax that wasn't a huge connection to the past, somewhere with people, but not crowded. After he started recovering, he was uncomfortable surrounded by crowds and noise, but he also didn't want to live in solitude. He walked past a family, unconsciously trying to hide his metal arm. He sat on a bench a fair bit from everyone else, smiling as he watched a squirrel run past, kids playing frisbee on the lawn, a girl setting up a picnic rug. A woman walked towards him, asking if she could take a seat. 'Sure.’ Maybe it would be a good thing for him to have people to talk to. 'How are you ma'am?’ Maybe he sounded a bit too old fashioned, but he wasn't sure how else to address her.
'Oh, um, I'm kinda dating already, and even if I wasn't, I'm not interested in guys.’ She felt awkward, thinking she should get up and walk away.
‘Sorry, I didn't mean to sound like I was asking you out. I'm not really in that place at the moment.’ Bucky was curious though, what had she meant by not being interested in men? 'I had a bit of an old fashioned upbringing,’ Well, that certainly wasn't a lie, 'What do you mean by not into men? I'm sorry if I shouldn't be asking.’
'Just how old fashioned was your family? It means I like girls.’ She was shocked at the fact he had to ask, it was the 21st century after all.
'Oh.’ He smiled. One thing he loved about the modern day was that people were free to be who they are. Although the fact that you could be openly gay, that people wouldn't judge, made him happier than anything else new. He wasn't sure why this was. Maybe there was someone he used to know who was gay, who would have needed the freedom? One of the Commandos maybe? 'I'm Bucky Barnes by the way.’
‘Well, I guess that explains that. I'm Chloe.’ Chloe seemed to move slightly further away from him. Everyone knew about his being the Winter Soldier now, and he was used to people being uncomfortable around him when they realised who he was. She pulled out her phone, starting to text someone, and he decided to leave.
---
He returned to Steve's apartment that evening, trying to escape the crowds of the city. There was a sign on the door. 'Hey Buck, I might not be back for a while, on a mission. I'm sorry, but there's some alien that needs containment. I'll be back as soon as I can.’ He frowned. Did Steve not want him around? Becoming the Winter Soldier had made him struggle to trust people, but he'd thought he could trust Steve. Now though, he was having doubts. The world was becoming more peaceful, there were barely ever threats worthy of the Avengers. For there to be one right after he came seemed way too coincidental. He left, feeling tears in his eyes. He had been so hopeful this morning, happier than he could remember, and it seemed to all have been a lie a few hours later. He walked down the street and was about to turn the corner when he heard his name.
'Bucky?’ He turned around, and there was Steve. He hadn't been lying to avoid him! He realised how ridiculous it was of him to think that he had been.
'I just left your building, can't you be five minutes faster? How was the mission?’
'Easier than I thought it would be. Took only ten minutes.’
'But you’ve been out for hours?’
‘There was no point going all that way to only spend ten minutes there. We had lunch. Oh, and did some training in the tower.’ They entered the apartment. 'You mind if I cook some spaghetti?’ Steve asked, 'I’m quite hungry.’
'Fine by me, as long as you give me some too.’ Bucky sat on the sofa, thinking about how to phrase what he wanted to say. 'I met this girl today. She-’
'Back to your flirting with every girl in Brooklyn self then?’ he said jokingly and then added, almost as an afterthought, ‘You know, I've finally decided to move on after Peggy. Natasha's going to set me up with some gals.’
'About time Stevie, it's only been 70 years.’ He was smiling, although it felt fake. He wasn't as happy as he should have been to hear this, and he didn't know why. There was something he couldn't remember. Or maybe it was just jealousy? He had always been the one girls liked, but he knew that now no-one would prefer him to his best friend. But no, he didn't miss going dancing with a new girl every week. What was still forgotten? He was confused, he knew he'd forgotten something really important, but he couldn't guess what it could possibly be. Unless… No, that couldn't be what it was. He avoided even thinking about the possibility, ashamed he'd think it possible. Steve was his best friend, it couldn't be that. He'd know if it was that.
'Does everyone seriously forget that I wasn't able to do anything almost all of that time?’
‘No, no-one forgets, it's just fun watching you get worked up about it.’
'Jerk.’
'Punk,’ He paused. 'Anyway, what I was going to say was that she was openly gay, not that I was flirting with her. It's amazing how much the world's changed since the war.’
‘Wait, people are allowed to be open about that? They're not judged? How have I only just found out about that?’ Steve was as happy as Bucky had been to hear this.
'Well, you are pretty clueless, I'm honestly not that surprised.’
'Wow, thanks Buck.’
'You’re welcome.’
Steve went back to the kitchen to set up for dinner, and Bucky tried to decide whether to ask a favour. It didn't seem fair for him to do so since he'd only just popped up, but he was getting sick of motels. ‘Hey, Stevie,’ he asked when he was handed a plate of spaghetti, 'Can I stay here for the night? I haven't got an apartment, I've been staying in cheap motels this whole time, and I'd really like to have somewhere better to sleep. Even just the couch.’
'Sure Bucky, you'll have to sleep on the couch for now, but I can buy a bed for you tomorrow if you'd rather,’ Bucky looked like he was about to protest, so Steve quickly added, 'Before you say anything, my bank account has been collecting interest this whole time, and I got compensation for being missing in action for 70 years, so I can afford to buy something like that for you. Plus,’ He added as an afterthought, ‘Stark is rolling in cash, I can ask him for some if I really need. He assumes that I'm poor, so it's not that hard to get money off him.’
'What happened to honest patriot Steve? You're lying to people?’
'More like concealing information. And he's too rich for his own good.’
Late that night, Bucky lay on the couch, ready to sleep, but not wanting to face what came with being asleep. He rested, eyes open, trying to avoid sleeping while still saving himself from exhaustion. He hadn't thought staying over through. He hadn't mentioned his nightmares, or that he always woke up screaming. Eventually, he succumbed to sleep, and before he knew it it was morning. It took him twenty minutes to realise this was the first time in the past year he'd had a full night's sleep, uninterrupted by nightmares.
'You want to join me and Sam for a jog this morning?’ Steve asked as he made his breakfast. 'You said it's enjoyable to watch us jog? Trust me, it's way more fun to do!’
'You’ve changed, you'd never have done this before the war.’
'Well, I'm not quite sure why, but I have a feeling I wasn't exactly capable of doing so,’ Steve drily replied. 'So, you coming?’
'You have to ask?’
Half an hour later, Steve was jogging with Sam ('I’m a bit tired today, need to go slow.’), when someone sped past. 'On your right!’ Bucky said, laughing, 'You’re right Steve, this is great!’
Steve left Sam behind to keep pace with Bucky. Sam yelled after them, 'You set this up? Really?’
'Yep. No regrets!’ Steve replied, shouting over Bucky's laughter.
Half an hour later, the three of them sat down. Sam was annoyed, as well as exhausted. 'You can't just do this to me every time you find someone as fast as you.’
'It’s the first time Sam. And you seem to get along with 100 year olds you meet because they're lapping you.’
'I’d be worried for your health, not being able to even match the slow pace of old men.’ Bucky wasn't quite done laughing, he certainly hadn't expected to enjoy this so much. Sam was glaring at both of them.
'The history books fail to mention what asses you two are.’
---
Bucky and Steve were having lunch in the apartment when someone knocked. Steve got up to answer it. 'Hi Nat. You wanna come in?’
'Sure.’ Natasha came into the lounge and spotted Bucky. 'Glad you found Steve, he was getting really desperate. It was horrible.’
'No I wasn't!’
'Yes you were.’
'Ok, fine, maybe I was getting a little desperate,’ Steve said reluctantly, hoping no-one could notice the heat he felt in his cheeks. 'Anyway, I doubt you came around to say that?’
'No, I came over cause I got you a date. Girl named Susan from the cafe down the road. Tonight at 7, Italian place at the plaza.’
'Steve told me that you’re trying to set him up. Good luck with that, it's harder than it looks.’ He paused, 'And that's saying something for me, as it looked an awful lot harder back in the day, everything considered.’
Natasha stayed for a while longer, but Bucky was distracted the whole time. He would talk, but sometimes he'd see the other two looking at him as if they had asked him something he hadn't heard. Why'd he not like the idea of Steve being set up on dates? Why was it distracting him? He decided it was that he wanted Steve to be able to focus on helping him recover, and he hadn't been able to concentrate on anything with Peggy around. Sure, it was selfish to want Steve not to date purely for his own sake, but it wasn't like he would say. He wanted Steve to be happy, after all.
---
Bucky was listening to old jazz on the gramophone when Steve returned to their apartment after the date. Bucky had been reluctant to make it more than a temporary lodging for him, but Steve had insisted, and he didn't really want to protest. He turned around and watched Steve walk in. ‘What happened? You seem down. Date not go so well?’ He hated himself for the slight happiness he felt. He hoped it didn't show.
'It was fine. For twenty minutes I guess. But after that she was so forward, it was like she thought we were a long term couple in our home, not two people who'd barely met in a packed restaurant! It was honestly terrifying, I've got two more of these to go, I'm not sure if I can handle it. What if they're all like her? What if she's tame comparatively?’ Steve was breaking down, quivering. Bucky knew Steve was the of the sort who took things slow, doing nearly nothing on a first date, but he also knew it would take a lot to break Steve down like this. He had thought the future was far better than the world he grew up in, but maybe there were parts that were worse. He walked over to Steve and hugged him, wanting to comfort him but not knowing what to say. And then the memories started.
He was leaving America to fight. He hadn't said a proper goodbye to Steve, he hadn't wanted to admit it could be the last time they'd see each other. He was leaving everyone behind, he wouldn't let himself think he wouldn't come back, stronger, brave enough to admit how he felt.
He was alone in that room, the one where Steve found him. He recognised him immediately, but it took him a few moments to realise it was real. Seeing him again brought it all back, and he realised no matter what happened, he’d never be brave enough to say what he wanted to say.
Then it clicked. He realised what he had forgotten. He had refused to consider it a possibility just that morning, but now he couldn't understand how he had ever questioned the idea. He was in love with Steve.