Scared and sure
Tony was bouncing on his feet in front of the library for half an hour both in full panic mode and in absolute excitement while waiting for the cavalry to show up as they had agreed to. On top of that he was wearing the mother of all grins on his face managing to frighten several people trying to walk around him.
Fuck, they really had done it. Someone had found out! And not only someone, but Loki’s and Thor’s mother!
Tony was sure his mind hasn’t had a chance to fully grasp the concept yet or otherwise he would be in a whole different state, probably bipolarly running from place to place like Rapunzel in that new movie version after she climbed down the tower for the first time.
Maybe another 10 minutes alone would do the trick, but Tony’s eyes detected a movement in the distance and he instantly knew he won’t get any extra time. At least he tried his best to erase those crazy emotions from his face. Actually, he managed to put a decent, ordinary smile on when he spotted Cap’s piercing eyes fixing at him.
“So how was the temple?” Tony asked cheerfully when they stopped in front of him. Everyone gave him their own answer - whether it was an expression, thumbs up or a verbal reply - all of them very positive. Thor started automatically looking for his brother and Tony swallowed the gulp in his throat when he remembered why Loki wasn’t there.
“We met your mother in the library. Loki went to talk to her,” Tony explained quickly watching Thor giving him a nod.
The Thunderer looked even more out of place than before. Yeah, the evening was mercilessly approaching. And now Tony could really sympathize with Thor or at least with Jane for that matter.
Oh, fuck, they were really going to attend together with Loki… What did they get themselves into?
Tony pushed those disturbing thoughts to the corner of his mind when Steve mimicked he wanted to talk to him just as he’d promised. Tony followed him without a protest to the nearby bench while others walked away looking like they were expecting this to happen. That only confirmed Tony’s silent worry that they knew as well. Whether Steve had told them or they’d realized by themselves, it didn’t matter. It was out. And Tony had to make it look okay or otherwise… No, he didn’t want to think about the worst-case scenario – the kickout of the team for being unstable would send him right down that endless spiral once again.
“Tony, I…” Steve started as they sat down and just like that Tony started to talk too because if he was willingly doing this, at least he wanted to be in control.
“Steve, listen…” Tony continued as soon as he saw that Cap wasn’t going to speak over him, “it’s in the past. It’s over. I’m fine now. Very fine actually.” And if it had anything to do with Loki, Tony wasn’t going to acknowledge it right now. “Can we just leave it be?”
Steve was looking at him thoughtfully. He probably had his own plan how to approach Tony and now it needed to be readjusted.
“Tony, I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. I know you don’t want to talk about this. We all have our ups and downs. I understand sometimes things might get overwhelming. I just…” he ran with his hands through his blond hair and Tony really pitied him in that moment because he clearly didn’t know how to say what was on his mind.
“I just need to know that it didn’t happen while we were already a team,” he blurted out suddenly and looked into Tony’s eyes, “just tell me we weren’t that blind… that we didn’t see you were hurting so much that you saw no other way to deal with it, not even trying to talk to us, to me…”
With the last word Tony realized why Cap looked so miserable in the first place. The man blamed himself. It was such a ridiculous thought that Tony had to mentally restrain himself from smacking Cap’s head and call him insane. It wasn’t his fault. How could he think that?
“Capsicle, you are not responsible for us outside of the missions, so stop with that look now. Even if it was after we formed a team, it wouldn’t be your fault or anyone else’s. Not when you didn’t realize something was wrong while I did everything possible so you wouldn’t.”
Steve took a long look at him and then his lips curved into a painful line.
“It was after New York right?” His voice was small and defeated. Something Tony hated to hear in connection with Steve Rogers. It just felt wrong.
“Don’t lie to me, Tony. I know you want to.”
The engineer smiled after the accusation.
“You know me so well.”
Cap’s lips curled in a little, unsure smile too, but he said nothing more, patiently waiting for Tony to admit the truth when he was ready.
He better do it fast.
“It was after New York.”
He heard Cap taking in a ragged breath. Tony’s eyes were easily pinned to the ground by that very sound.
“But it was an accident. I mean… Yeah, I was a bit out of my mind then. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t work. I was constantly tired. I did stupid things all the time…”
“What happened?” Cap asked softly to lead him back to the point.
Tony sighed and lifted his gaze back to Steve’s face.
“I took some pills, mixed it with alcohol. I even reprogrammed Jarvis shortly before that so he wouldn’t be able to call help. But it was all just a moment of weakness. It wasn’t planned. Not like I was thinking about killing myself… It just happened.” Maybe calling it an accident wasn’t the best term, but it was the closest one for describing how Tony felt about it now. “I just wanted a moment of piece. I wanted to sleep.”
It was that simple. No drama about death and life. It was like a pure madness taking over his body for a few hours. He knew what he was doing, but at the same time it all felt like a one damn dream.
“Thank god it didn’t work,” Steve replied dryly.
“Oh, it worked,” Tony corrected him, “but my bots…” he remembered Dummy literally crying over him in his own odd robotic way, poking him with his claw. He’d continued to do so until Tony came back to his senses enough to understood he was leaving people behind, and his robotic kids, and his work, and he didn’t even say goodbye to Pepper or Rhodey. He got scared. And Jarvis pleaded with him so he would let him call someone. He allowed it just before he lost his consciousness, in a last possible minute and it gave him chills now when he remembered.
Steve patiently listened to him with wide eyes as he was probably imagining it all in full colors. What was worse he probably knew the Avengers had been up on the common floor in that very moment. No one had known what was happening in the workshop, not even when Tony’s private doctor had come rushing in through the back entrance.
“Tony, oh god, I’m so sorry,” Steve said and held his hand to stop Tony in trying to interrupt, “no listen, I… I’m sorry… I should have known something was happening. It’s my job. I’m the captain.”
Tony didn’t attempt to tell him he was wrong. Not this time.
“Just please, tell me the truth.” Steve’s blue eyes found his and held on. “Are you okay now?”
Tony nodded slowly.
“Yes, Cap, I am.”
“Good,” he nodded as well after few seconds. He seemed to believe Tony.
“If it changes… I mean anytime… Will you tell me? Us? Will you give us a chance to help you?”
“It won’t happen again, cap,” Tony told him confident, “but yeah, I promise to tell you.” You. Only you. Tony hoped Steve could understand he couldn’t share this with anyone else from the team. It was too personal. Felt too much as a weakness he should hide.
Steve didn’t prod more. He seemed to be satisfied with what Tony offered and for a second Tony thought about Loki and everything what was happening. If they do this tonight, his team will know. They would know he kept a secret from them for fucking years.
With his stomach turning he said his goodbye to Cap and literally ran away to the safety of Loki’s quarters. He continued his pacing there, thinking and talking aloud to himself until the door cracked open and the god’s face appeared in the room. Loki stopped in his track, noticing how unsettled Tony was.
“Well?” Tony asked.
Loki made few more steps and probably thought better than to get near Tony in his current state. Instead he went to sit down on the bed.
“Father wasn’t happy about this sudden change, but he accepted… us,” Loki started carefully like he was talking to a wild animal. “But we have still time to think about it.”
“Do you want to think about it?” Tony asked, suddenly feeling a bit hurt by those words.
Loki surprised him with a firm no coming from his lips.
“I talked with mother. She helped me realize few things. I think it is a good idea to go together and let others know. However, we will do as you wish. I just merely want you to know we have still a second option.”
Tony forced himself to stand still and he nodded, frowning.
“Okay, I want to do that. I would die of jealousy if I saw you with anyone else,” he joked, but it came out flat.
Loki took a long look at him and stood up, moving elegantly forward. He placed his hands from both sides of Tony’s face, lifting his head to meet the god’s eyes.
“It is not only about tonight. You know that.”
Tony knew and he was terrified of the possible consequences, but at the same time he felt like this was a right thing to do. He was tired of hiding. He didn’t want Loki to remain his little dirty secret forever.
“We would tell them one day. Why not today?”
“You know why,” Loki implied, “it would be too sudden, a shock.” He let his fingers caress Tony’s cheeks and the engineer almost moaned into his touch.
“I’m Tony fucking Stark. Everyone expects shocking stuff with me,” Tony smiled, but he knew it had to look strained and unnatural on his face.
He wasn’t convincing enough for Loki to drop his concerned gaze.
“We can do this when you’re ready.”
“I am ready.”
“Anthony…”
Tony hushed him with his lips and his tongue, and when they parted - after neither of them had any air left - Tony smiled for real.
“I’m ready. Yeah, I’m scared too because this is all new and unexpected, but it is all I wish for. I want to be able to hold your hand in public and kiss you whenever I please. I don’t want to sneak in and out of your room. I want this.”
Finally, Loki’s lips formed a fabulous grin and he surprised Tony with a strong hug. Damn, for how long did Loki want them out of their shell?
“I know this is too fast, but we need to prepare you for the evening. I talked with Thor and he agreed we could do this together with him and Jane.” Tony swallowed the information that Thor already knew.
“Sure thing, but first sex,” Tony said seriously and for a second Loki looked like he might burst out with laughter, but then he too sobered up and nodded mock seriously.
“First sex.”
OOO
Tony was fidgeting nervously on the chair in the large ball room next to Jane Foster with his eyes darting to the far corner where Loki and Thor were clearly arguing about something. The servants preparing stuff for the evening kept moving in big avoiding circles around the two gods, and from time to time they threw a look at the mortals who just seemed and felt out of the place.
“What do you think is a problem?” Jane whispered in his ear and Tony chuckled.
“You mean beside that I’m going to cause a public scandal in a few hours?”
Jane laughed shortly and her small hand landed on Tony’s shoulder.
“Wouldn’t be the first time, Tony.”
He looked at her and saw that Jane’s face changed immediately into something much softer.
“I’m happy for you. I mean… I didn’t expect this. I think no one did. But I’m happy for you.”
Tony gave her a thankful smile. His team didn’t know yet and he could use some “Midgardian’s” support right now.
He turned his head back to the approaching gods just in time to see Loki clear his face from any emotions which had occurred there while speaking to his brother. Tony sent him a supportive smile.
“What’s up? You both look creepy when frowning.”
Actually after his words, Loki’s brows furrowed even more.
“There is… a thing,” he started carefully with a pause before he looked at Thor at his side and back at Tony.
“What thing?”
Now it was Thor who frowned at him, opening his mouth to speak.
“You must understand, friend Tony, that Asgard is not like Midgard. Our people are very traditional. It is unwise to break conventions, more so when we’ll have also guests from other realms…”
Tony decided to interrupt Thor’s explaining before the god would make himself look even more miserable for remaining Tony that his home country was probably homophobic.
“Are you trying to tell me I can’t go with Loki tonight because I’m a man or because I’m from Midgard or both?” He heard Loki sucking air through his gritted teeth.
“Neither Anthony,” Loki stated as a matter of fact, “mother allowed it, father knows about it, there is no place for discussion.” That was more or less aimed to his brother’s face, and Tony found Thor once more looking at him like a kicked puppy. This was probably serious.
“So what’s the problem here?”
Thor cleared his throat and continued despite Loki sending deadly glares his way.
“It is not acceptable for a prince to bring someone outside of Asgard as a date for such an official event. It would be highly frowned upon.”
“Thor,” Jane said disapprovingly, “I am an outsider.”
“Yes, but you are being introduced tonight to Asgardian’s society. You will gain a new status. That is the main reason behind this evening.”
Tony tensed, his eyes went to Loki.
“I understand,” he said simply because what could he do? He wasn’t about to cause Loki more troubles than he already has.
“No, Anthony, I do not care about any of this.”
Tony wanted to tell him that he did care… for both of them, but Thor didn’t give him a chance.
“There is another way. I already talked to Loki about this, but he is adamant you won’t like the idea and that he doesn’t want to force you in this decision.”
“Thor,” Loki whispered in a dangerous tone.
“What is it?” Tony wanted to at least know.
“You could be introduced tonight alongside with Jane.”
Tony froze on his spot for few seconds, turning the sentence in his mind in all possible directions until the meaning finally struck him.
He found Loki’s eyes.
“What does that mean? Is it like getting engaged?” It was a whole different level of craziness when he realized the thought didn’t freak him out. Not at all.
“No,” Loki made few steps forward, but he didn’t attempt to touch Tony yet. “It is only an introduction as Thor said. It means that you will be considered my mate from now on. It has certain advantages.”
“Like what?”
Loki was looking at him disbelievingly, like he expected Tony to dismiss the idea immediately.
“Like for example you wouldn’t need a formal invitation from my father anymore to visit. You could come anytime you wish and Heimdall would listen to your call just like he would for any other Asgardian.”
Tony wanted to whistle. That sounded great.
“Go on.”
“Also you would be invited for all main events on Asgard, and no one else would try to court you.” Tony liked the jealousy he heard in that one.
“You will be under the protection of the royal family. Meaning that any threat against you would be a threat against Asgard.”
“What is the most important,” Thor approached Jane and took her hands into his, smiling at her fondly, “if anything would ever happen to you, Loki would have the right to ask for Idunn’s apple for you or provide any healing necessary through medicine or sorcery.”
Apples. Tony heard about those.
“Are we talking about the fancy fruit which gives a mortal like me a pretty damn good lifespan?” Now he knew exactly why Loki didn’t want to blurt that out on him right now, when everything was a mess. Those were hard and serious decisions. He had to think he would freak Tony out.
“And you want this?” Tony asked, making sure.
“Of course, I do.” Loki reached him in one long stride and Tony stood up as well.
“But I know this is all too fast, I don’t want to put more pressure on you.”
Thor made a disagreeing sound in his throat.
“You have a perfect chance now, brother. Our parents will agree because it is the best decision right now.” When none of them reacted, Thor continued with a provocative question: “What will you do if Tony hear gets gravely injured and you won’t be able to help him with your magic? In such a case you would receive an apple and you would be able to save him.”
Loki replied frustrated. “If I didn’t receive it, I would simply steal it.”
Tony chuckled. That was his man, ladies and gentlemen.
Tony had to think for a moment how it is possible that Thor counted with him to remain on Loki’s side to the point he would really need immortality or almost immortality. Not that Tony didn’t, but few hours back Thor hadn’t had any idea they were even together. Did Loki tell him something? Did he know how serious it was between them? Or could others simply see it written all over their faces as they were looking at each other…
“Can I speak with Loki for a moment?”
Jane nodded first and she took Thor be his hand to lead him away. Tony maneuvered himself in front of Loki, still not touching.
“I love you.”
Loki’s head snapped his way. If he wasn’t paying Tony his full attention before, he was certainly doing that right now. It was weird how easily Tony could say those words and how deeply he meant it.
“You know I’m reckless and I jump into things too quickly. You know that and that’s why you worry so much about this,” I pointed at everything in our surroundings.
“But I’ve never been so certain in my life that I’m happy with someone and that I want to be part of this person’s life.”
Loki broke the distance between them, oblivious to the servants who started to look their way suspiciously. Tony shuddered when he felt Loki’s long fingers caressing his face.
“I want this. I want to be able to give call to Heimdall and sneak into your room with coke and those super spicy chips you like so much.”
Loki’s lips spread into a grin. “I love you too, Anthony.” He spoke the words silently and slowly. “Very much.”
Their lips connected on their own, pulled with some cosmic force like a magnet. And when they parted, their arms encircled each other in a comfort giving embrace. In that moment Tony was sure he was doing the right thing.
After few more seconds of enjoying the heat of their bodies, both of them turned to Thor and Jane who were shamelessly watching them from the distance with stupid smiles plastered on their faces.
“So here is the plan,” Tony started when the two of them joined him and Loki again, “I’ll go tell my team hoping I’ll get out of there alive and you two go to your parents and set everything up. Jane, you need to be my backup. No one will hurt me over you.” Jane snorted and moved to his side.
“After that we’ll meet here again, and you’ll prepare us for what to do.” Tony eyed Loki. “And then I want to briefly speak to you some more.” He didn’t elaborate on that, but Loki agreed anyway. The four of them looked at each other in expectation.
“Who is scared the most?” Tony asked with a small smile. Thor quickly raised his hand.
“That would be me.”