Dog Tags

It didn't hit him at first. All he had felt was fear, it didnt make him want to throw up like someone had drove a knife though it and twisted it until his insides were turned to mush. It didnt make him stop breathing like someone had closed a hand around his throat. It didn't make his skin pale or his legs numb or anything like that. He couldn't even think, couldn't even being to process this. Bucky was gone, captured or dead - most likely dead.

He was already going over ways to go about saving him if he was captured. It made no sense, though, Bucky couldn't be dead, he was Bucky, he was always there. He was just captured, not dead, he couldn't be dead - when rhey told Steve, they had said or captured.

He didn't accept that Bucky was dead. Not when he was releasing all the other men and they told him that no one ever leaves that room alive.

He didn't realize that Bucky could have actually been gone. Not when he unstrapped him from that table, not when they were trying to get out of that burning building, not even when they were walking back from camp. All that had processed in his head was that Bucky had left and he hadn't come back.

It only really clicked in his head that there had been a chance that his Bucky could have died was later,  after he had him back safe. Bucky pulled him aside that night, while everyone was still celebrating, and punched his arm. 

"Why would you do that?"

"Do what?"

'Do what?' Bucky muttered mockingly, "What if you died coming to save all those people."

Steve set his face hard, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you wanted to die there." 

"Steve, seriously -" an annoyed sigh, "I know you didn't risk your life for and your position here for - for.. that." He threw his hands in the direction of everyone celebrating.

Steve shook his head, "I was right when I said you were taking all the stupid with you." 

"Wha -"

This is when the stomach twisting, throat closing, body freezing, leg numbing fear set in. Steve hugged him, having to assure himself that, yes, Bucky was here and okay and safe and alive. He knocked Bucky off balance a bit but he might have fell over himself if Bucky wasnt there to catch him. But Bucky was always there for him.

"You were gone, Bucky. Okay? Everyone was saying you were dead," Steve squeezed tighter, "but... you couldn't just be dead, you're my best friend, how could you have been gone?" Steve would have punched him like Bucky had earlier, if it didn't mean letting go of Bucky.

Bucky was quiet for a second, as if what Steve was saying didn't make sense right away.

"Sorry."

"I went for you, jerk." His voice cracked and he hid his face in Bucky's shoulder. "I hate you." 

"Hey, no cryin'." Gentle fingers ran through his hair, "No reason, Stevie, 'kay, I'm right here."

They stayed there for a long time, silent tears falling down Steve's face and Bucky's fingers playing with his hair. The sounds of everyone celebrating had either died down or the two of them were just too caught up in eachother to hear. 

Bucky had an idea, and he only had to debate if it was a good one for half a second.

He gently pulled away from Steve's hug, keeping a tight grip on his shoulders as he moved Steve out of the hug. He moved his hands up from Steve's shoulder to his face, cupping the tear stained cheeks in his hands. He wiped the tracks away with his thumbs, smiling when Steve leaned into his hands. Bucky pulled at the collar of his shirt to loosen it a bit, then pulled his dog tags out of it and off his neck. 

"Here." He held them out to Steve, "If I'm gone again, you'll have 'em." 

"Buck... are you - are sure?" 

"Yeah." He held them out, closer to Steve, who took them the second Bucky had spoke.

"Thank you." He felt almost relieved having the tags in his hands. He didn't exactly know why, but when he put them around his neck - taking his own off and handing them to Bucky, who had a wide smile and a soft look in his eyes when he was handed Steve's dog tags - his shoulders relaxed.

He realized that having his own on meant nothing, they were just his information. Having Bucky's around his neck was having a piece of Bucky with him all the time.

"I love you." Bucky said softly, reading over Steve's tags. Not the first time they said it, but it was the first time he told Steve where someone else could hear.