Stay With Me
Bruce
Despite my physical and mental exhaustion, sleep didn’t come easily. I tossed and turned, my head full of tumultuous, disorganized thoughts. As I rolled over yet again, I heard a soft voice in the dark.
“Bruce?”
“Yeah?”
“Would you hold me?”
“Are you okay?” I asked softly as I climbed in beside her. Another spark jumped between us, but Nat didn't acknowledge it other than a slight flinch.
She shook her head wordlessly as she leaned against me and closed her eyes. Her hair pooled against my chest. We sat in silence for several minutes.
“I’ve been having flashbacks of the Red Room.”
“Oh.” That was all I could say in response to the horrible revelation. I held her tighter, gently running my hand up and down her shoulders, wishing I could soothe away the pain of her past.
“Some of the others, rather than do what they wanted from us, they—” Her voice broke. “I used to think they were weak. That I was stronger than the others, for not breaking. But I was the weak one. I was the one who broke. I craved their approval. I became exactly what they wanted from me. I fought and lied and killed for them. And I can’t stop myself from wondering… all the people I killed, lives I destroyed…would it have been better if—”
Natasha’s words trailed off in the darkness. I wanted to hold on to her and never let her go.
Natasha
Bruce didn’t say anything. But I felt the wetness of his tears running down into my hair. The soft fabric of his Asgardian tunic under my cheek smelled faintly of the sea, a welcome change from the omnipresent zing of antiseptics in the air.
“I’m glad you’re here,” I murmured. The warmth of his chest rising and falling beneath me slowly pushed back the aching chasm of dark memories stirred up from the past.
“I’m glad we are here.” Bruce brushed a strand of hair behind my ear and out of the sticky tear tracks on my cheek. “I wouldn’t be here without you, Natasha. In so many ways. I wouldn’t be an Avenger, certainly. You gave me this purpose—this family—that I never thought I could have.”
“I never thought I could either,” I admitted.
“No one should ever have to go through what you did. The guilt is theirs for what they did to you, not yours for surviving it. You are the strongest person I know.”
I shook my head. “That’s sweet, but you know the Hulk. And a team of super-powered people.”
“Hulk has a mutation to work with. Tony has his suits, Steve has his serum, Thor’s a god. You made a hero out of nothing more than yourself. I don’t know anything stronger or braver than that.”
I broke down and wept against Bruce’s chest. His hands, strong but gentle, traced soothing patterns into my back. He held me long after the tears finally slowed to a halt.
“I’m so sorry for everything I put you and Tony through recently,” Bruce said quietly. “You don’t deserve that. None of you do.”
“You don’t deserve to die.” I twined my fingers into the fabric of his robe. “I know you didn’t do it to hurt us, that you would never want to hurt us. I know your mind was telling you that this world would be better off without you, but that’s a lie.”
Silence hung over the dark room for a moment.
“I still have the thoughts,” he admitted. “And that scares me. When that desperation, that hopelessness, digs in its claws, I’m trapped under it, and I can’t push the weight off.”
I found Bruce’s hand in the darkness. “You aren’t fighting alone anymore.”
“Neither are you.” He paused. “I should let you sleep.” Bruce shifted as if to get back up and move back to his own cot, but I tightened my grip.
“Stay with me?”
I could feel his hesitation. Slowly, he nodded and relaxed back onto the pillow. “Okay.”
Time passed. I knew by his breathing that he was still awake.
“Are you angry that I ran away?”
“After what Tony said?" I asked incredulously. "Of course not. I had to clear my head, too.”
A pause, then a quiet, “I meant back after Sokovia.”
“Oh.”
I remembered the countless days of pouring over data with Tony, trying variation upon variation of gamma ray scans, waiting with baited breath every time a blip appeared that could possibly be the quinjet. The weeks after the others had decided to delegate the search to FRIDAY, where I kept a phone by my bed, hoping for a ring and a familiar voice letting me know he was safe, even if he wasn’t ready to come home.
“Nat?” Bruce’s voice cut into my reverie hesitantly.
“Maybe a little.”
“That’s fair. I'm sorry.”
“For all I knew, you dead. No goodbye. No phone call or letter. More than angry, I was scared.”
“I didn’t think anything scared you.”
I let out a broken chuckle. “Don’t tell. I have an image to maintain.”
A gentle hand brushed against my cheek, wiping away the last of the tears.
“When I woke up on Sakaar, the last memory I had of earth was you. I thought maybe that was the last memory I’d ever have of home.”
“Are you angry that I pushed you off the cliff?”
“No,” Bruce said quietly. “I mean, I do wonder sometimes, if I hadn’t transformed in Sokovia, if I had stayed… but you—the team—needed the other guy. And after all the destruction I’ve caused, every time I’ve helped even just a little, I feel a little bit less weighed down by what I’ve created.”
“Still, I never should have pushed you. Transforming should be your choice, and I’m sorry that I took that from you.”
He shrugged. “If it helps, I don’t really remember the cliff. And I usually do. Remember the triggers, I mean.”
“What do you remember?”
“You said, ‘I adore you,’ and you kissed me,” Bruce recalled. “Then ‘But I need the other guy.’ Then nothing. So I think maybe he wanted out when you asked for him, anyway.” He hesitated. “Nat, in Sokovia, were you… never mind.” Even though he let the words trail off, I could feel the unspoken question hanging between us.
“Was I just trying to get you off guard so I could get the other guy?” I sat up next to him, stilling the hands that were fiddling with the bandages on his wrist with my own. “No. I’ve dispassionately kissed a lot of people over the years for the sake of accomplishing a mission… but you’re not one of them.”
“So you weren’t just trying to distract me.”
“No. I could have easily gotten you off the edge.”
Bruce let out a quiet huff of air, almost a laugh. “Fair enough.”
“Do you trust me?” I asked.
“Yes?”
“I promise you, no more cliffs. But I still adore you.” I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his, gently at first. Bruce stiffened in surprise, but more quickly than I had anticipated he softened into the kiss. His arms encircled me. A rush of emotion surged over me as I tangled my fingers in his dark hair, drawing him closer and craving the warmth of his body against mine. I didn’t want the moment to end.
Bruce withdrew from the kiss slowly. “Nat?”
“Mm-hmm?”
“I adore you, too.”