Flashes of the Past
Bruce
Peter stayed with us all weekend, and I found myself warming more and more to his bright, genuine presence.
“Tell you what,” Tony remarked after sending Peter on an errand. “We can share science time custody.”
“What?” I looked up from my notes.
“Peter. He’s my super-kid. I discovered him, so I’ve got dibs. But you can be his, like, mad scientist uncle or something. I’ll even write you into the suit protocols.”
I chuckled. “Suit protocols?”
Tony stuffed a handful of chips in his mouth. “Yeah, I switched him off of ‘Baby-Sitter’ mode after his computer nerd friend helped him hack it. Now I’m running something a little more subtle. I call it the ‘Grey Area’ protocol.”
“Do I want to know?”
“Don’t do anything Mr. Stark would do, but don’t do anything he wouldn’t do,” Peter recited, reappearing. “The grey area is where I operate.”*
Tony gestured with his arms as if to say see?
I rolled my eyes. “Logically, I’m not sure that checks out…”
“Hey Underoos, we’re adding a new protocol to your suit so you can call Bruce. If you’re in a jam and can’t get a hold of me, this guy is next.” Tony clapped me on the shoulder and winked. “You’ll be good for him. He needs better role models; after all, he hangs out with me all the time.”
Even though the wounds had mostly healed, I still found myself flinching. Hastily, I drew attention away from my reaction. “Yeah, that sounds great.”
Peter was practically bouncing. “You mean that, Dr. Banner?”
“You are going to get so many text messages,” Tony laughed.
“I don’t have a cellphone,” I pointed out.
Tony smirked wickedly. “We can fix that, too.”
“Can I teach him how to Snapchat? Pleeeease?” Peter begged.
“Is that what the kids are using nowadays?”
Tony chuckled. “Man, we have so much to fill you in on.”
I snorted. “So much? I was gone for two years. It’s not like you thawed me out of the ice after 70 years.” Tony flinched visibly and I cringed. Wrong topic. I blundered quickly onto a new subject. “So um, Peter, what’s the high school news? If I’m going to be your emergency contact, I need all the details—favorite classes, best friends, crushes…”
“Crushes?” Peter laughed. “Considering the last time I had a crush on a girl, her dad almost killed me... I'm in no hurry.”
“He's not joking,” Tony pointed out. “The guy turned out to be trading in black market alien tech, went tete-a-tete with Spider-Man all over one of my planes and wiped out Coney Island for six months in the process. Kid's the reigning champ of bad dates.”
“What about you?” Peter prompted cheekily.
“That wouldn’t be safe,” I said quickly. “I try to avoid getting close to people.”
“I think Agent Romanoff wishes you’d get a little closer.”
Tony turned away, coughing suspiciously.
I blushed. “That—that wouldn’t work out.”
“You don’t like her like that?” Peter pressed.
“No, I mean,” I floundered in discomfort. “I adore Natasha. I just—I couldn’t... she deserves to be with someone who can give her the life she wants.”
“How would that work, exactly?” Tony was eyeing me curiously in a way I was sure I was going to regret. “If raising your heart rate triggers the Big Green, then—”
“Tony!” My ears flushed red.
“You know, purely for scientific reasons, we might be able to find a workaround.” Tony casually pulled out a bag of Cheezits from an unmarked drawer and started eating them. “In case Banner ever wants to smash.”
“Better yet, let’s forget we ever had this conversation.” My only consolation was that Peter looked almost as flustered as I was. “Besides, it’s not really the heart rate per se, although a spike in heart rate often corresponds with the danger zone. Tried beta-blockers a couple of times, still transformed. Even developed a toxin that lowered my heart rate to one beat per minute once. Transformed immediately after the toxin took effect because the Other Guy freaked out and thought we were in danger. That was the end of that particular makeshift lab. But hey, at least I created a medically useful formula.”
“Interesting.”
I thought the conversation was over, when Peter jumped in, “So does that mean you CAN—”
“Peter!”
Tony playfully clapped the kid’s shoulder. “Hey, the doctor doesn’t want to talk about his zucchini.” He whispered in Peter’s ear, “I’ll find out sooner or later.”
“Sorry, Tony, but you know I only like you as a friend, right?”
He guffawed. “I’ve been friend-zoned.”
We worked in silence for a few minutes before Tony piped up again, around a mouthful of Cheezits. “You know, Thor tells me Hulk is a bit of an exhibitionist.”
“Shut up.”
“So eloquent.”
~
Although having Peter around had dragged me out of my solitude, maintaining the sense of normalcy during his visit took a lot of energy I didn’t have. When he left, I found myself stumbling to the shower to get ready for bed even though the sky was still light above the horizon.
I brushed my teeth mechanically. Almost subconsciously, I noted that the light over the sink was flickering. I should change the bulb later.
I spat out the minty foam and turned on the shower. Having easy access to hygiene was certainly a welcome change from living on the streets, and now that I’d convinced Vision to switch my cast for a brace, I could make better use of it. I tried not to look at the marks that marred my flesh. Focusing in on them, I’d learned, was enough to trigger memories I wasn’t ready to face. I felt a surge of gratitude as I thought of Peter, finding me on the streets and ill-advisedly welcoming me into his home, Loki and Nat, forming an unlikely partnership to search for me, Tony, offering his endless generosity yet again, no matter how many times I ran away and got myself hurt. Even after finding out my identity, none of them seemed to regret it, even if they should. I had asked Peter earlier, “Does it bother you at all, knowing that I've got a monster in me?”
The kid had shrugged. “Some people think spiders are monsters, too, Dr. Banner.”
Tony had returned at that point, leaving me unable to press further, but the comment had stuck with me.
My thoughts wandered as I stepped under the warm water. New Asgard… space… traveling through space had been truly one of the most amazing experiences of my life. All the shock and confusion and fear of that time period couldn’t begin to cloud the breath-taking awe that was being surrounded by the infinity of the cosmos. Who would have ever thought that one day I would sail among the stars? I’d spent the entirety of the trip worrying that the Hulk would come back out and breach the hull of the ship, sending everyone onboard to a chilly, airless, depressurized death; but the beauty of it all stayed with me, overriding everything else.
A flash interrupted my reverie; then everything went dark. Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe. I collapsed on the floor, rocking, hands digging into my scalp, eyes squeezed shut. The water was still running, but I felt none of it.
~
The next thing I knew, strong hands were draping a towel around me and lifting me from the tub. The water had turned off. I couldn’t stop shaking.
“Breathe with me, Bruce. C’mon. In. Out. Nice and slow.”
As my breathing slowed, I felt us walking from the bathroom to my bed; but from a distance, as if it were someone else’s body.
Slowly, I became aware that Tony was talking again, rambling on, filling the empty space with words.
“…And you know I know you like your privacy, but FRIDAY was worried about you—and you know how my AI’s get when they’re worried—and then you weren’t answering her, so I figured I’d better come over here and check on you so she’d drop it and leave us both alone…Jeeze, Bruce, you’re shivering, how long were you in there? Do you want me to get you some clothes, or are you good with the bathrobe for now? I mean, it’s your choice if you want to go commando in your own room, obviously.”
Command of my faculties was starting to come back to me. “Tony, Tony—I’m fine. Thanks. It was just a flashback. I’m okay now.”
Tony let out a deep breath of relief. “You sure? Do you wanna talk about? I’m not the greatest person to talk to, but I’m here, and that’s pretty convenient.”
I rubbed my eyes wearily. “I’d rather not.”
“How about a snack? Looks like it took a lot out of you.”
“Sure.” Now that he mentioned it, I was surprisingly hungry. And I wasn’t ready to sleep any time soon, not after that. “Let me get dressed.”
~
I wandered out to the kitchen in flannel pajamas and slippers that had appeared in my closet shortly after my arrival at the compound. I considered leaving the crutches propped by my bed, but it wasn’t worth the argument with Tony… and besides, he was right. I did need to keep off my feet if I wanted the stress fractures to heal. But that didn’t mean I had to like it.
“Tea and ice cream sound good?” Tony was poking around in the freezer.
“Ice cream? Really?”
“You could use some fattening up.”
I propped myself up awkwardly in the entranceway. “Need any help?”
“Nah, I’m good. Have a seat.”
Two mugs were waiting on the table, one with coffee and one with tea. I pulled up a chair to the tea, appreciatively breathing in the aroma of blackberries and cinnamon.
“Don’t you ever sleep?” I queried, gesturing to the mug of coffee.
Tony shrugged. “Sleep’s overrated.”
“That’s not healthy.”
“Speaking of unhealthy, do you want Karamel Sutra or Hunka Hulka Burnin’ Fudge?” Tony slid two pints of Ben & Jerry’s across the table to me, expertly rerouting the conversation.
“Hunka what now?”
“You didn’t know?” Tony smirked. “They named a flavor after you while you were on sabbatical as a gladiator.”
“Great. Just great.” I closed my eyes briefly, only to see another horrifying fragment of memory—green dust everywhere; a crowd, screaming; cerulean blood staining green hands, so much green—and snap them back open.
“Bruce? You okay there?”
I quickly snagged a spoon off of the table. “Karamel Sutra sounds good.”
“Okay, awesome, because I’m a huge fan of Hunka Hulka myself.”
We ate in silence for a few minutes.
Tony was the first to break the quiet that had fallen upon the kitchen, licking chocolate off of his spoon as he commented, “I missed this.”
I nodded and took another sip of tea. The warm fluid was comforting.
“The late nights in the lab, just hanging out… it was good.” He fished another chunk of fudge out of his pint.
I couldn’t argue with that. “Yes,” I agreed softly. “It was.”
Tony looked like he was about to say something, then changed his mind.
“I couldn’t stay, Tony. Not after the other guy destroyed another city. You know that, right?”
“You could have at least let me help you relocate!”
I flinched at the raised tone of voice, and Tony softened.
“Look, Bruce, if you ever feel like you need out, let me know, okay? The least I can do is fly you out to whatever remote refugee camp or medical crisis you want to go to. But this is your home, too. You’ve even got a room for the other guy, so there’s no reason to run away.”
I laughed hollowly and gestured at my crutches. “I don’t think I’ll be running anywhere any time soon. And the last time wasn’t entirely me. I’ll remind you that Hulk flew the plane, not Banner.”
“Huh. The big guy’s a pilot now?” Tony scraped the last of the ice cream from his pint.
I shrugged dismissively. “As you take pride in pointing out, the quinjet practically flies itself.” I poked at the softening ice cream, still barely scraping the surface. “Tony, I’m really sorry about everything that went down while I was gone.”
Tony sighed and dropped his head wearily onto one hand. “Yeah. So am I. It was a mess, Bruce. A real mess.” He was quiet for a moment, staring at his coffee. For a while, I thought he wasn't going to say anything more about, but after wrestling internally he continued. “I went off the deep end for a while. Tried to drink it all away. Pepper’s a champ for sticking with me after all the crap I’ve put her through. But between her, and Rhodey giving me a kick in the pants, and me wanting to be a better role model for Spider-Kid, I’ve been sober for almost a year now. Trying to stick with it, but damn… it’s hard, you know?”
“That’s tough,” I agreed quietly. “I’m happy for you, turning that around.”
“I don’t want Peter to make the kind of mistakes I’ve made. I want him to be better than me.” Tony gestured broadly. “The next generation of Avengers is already out there. Do you ever think about how we’re going to set things up for them, teach them, guide them down the right path?”
I shook my head. “I’m not cut out to be a teacher. Not anymore. But what you’re doing with Peter? That kid’s a genius, his heart is in the right place, and he really needs you. I think it’s great that you’ve taken him under your wing.”
“Yeah, he’s a great kid. I hope I don’t screw it up.”
“You won’t.” I hesitated. “Tony, you’re keeping his cover pretty tight, right?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“Good.” I relaxed slightly at that reassurance. “People don’t always treat those of us with enhancements as human.”
Tony winced. “I’d really hoped the Sokovia Accords would put an end to that,” he muttered darkly. “But it doesn’t seem like that’s the case. People in power always find a way around the rules when it suits them.”
“I just don’t want Peter to end up… well…”
“Like you?” Tony finished bluntly.
I shrugged uncomfortably, unable to say it myself out loud.
“I’ve read your file. What hasn’t been redacted, anyway. And if anyone tries anything like that on Peter, I will personally send them to hell where they belong.”
I felt sick to my stomach just thinking of what was in that file. My fingernails bit thoughtlessly into my knees, trying to drive back unwelcome images of the past. “I’m glad Ross finally gave up on chasing me,” I said huskily. “They only ever managed to hold me for so long before I ended up snapping and letting the Other Guy kill people. Waking up in a new place with innocent blood on my hands is never a good way to start over.”
Tony looked uncomfortable. “Bruce—”
I shook my head. “I’m sorry. You probably didn’t need or want to know that. But I have a monster in me, Tony, and that’s not just going to go away because we pretend it’s not there.”
“That’s not what I was going to say.” Tony fidgeted with the empty ice cream carton. “I talked to Loki before he left, and you’ll probably find this out sooner or later, but…”
“What? What’s happened?” I could feel my heart rate starting to spike and forced myself to breathe deeply and slowly. This was a safe place. Tony was here. I wasn't in danger.
“We think Ross may have been behind your most recent capture.”
I closed my eyes and dropped my head into my hands. “No. No, that can’t be. That doesn’t make sense. He hasn’t been interested in me in years. And there wasn’t even really any experimenting this time. They were just trying to get the Hulk.” I hadn’t even realized I was shaking until Tony put a hand on my shoulder and I tensed up. “Don’t touch me!”
“Okay, okay, sorry.” Tony withdrew.
“Why now? Why start going after me again?” My voice broke.
“Don’t do this,” I begged. “The other guy will come out if you hurt me.”
General Ross, smiling down at me. “But you don’t want that, do you? You’ve worked so hard at getting control.”
A blinding pain in my abdomen as a man in a Hazmat suit cut out a tissue sample. I shook from the effort of keeping the Hulk down, calming the building roar in my mind. No, no, no, not again. I wouldn’t give in.
I gasped for breath.
“Bruce—Bruce, stay with me, okay?"
Hot tears burned at my eyes, and I smeared one flannel sleeve hastily across my face.
“I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
“No, it’s fine,” I managed. I hastily took a spoonful of the barely-touched Karamel Sutra and stuffed it in my mouth, clinging to the resulting brain freeze to ground me back into the present. “It’s better to know.” Maybe I had overdone it on the brain freeze. I winced and rubbed my temples. “You know what’s worse than fearing death? Knowing that no matter what they do to you, you can’t die. There’s never a way out.”
“I promise you, if Ross wants to get to you again, he’s going to have to go through me. And let me tell you, I’d enjoy blasting that stupid mustache off his stupid face.”
I let out a shuddering breath of air that was halfway between a laugh and a sob. “The funny part? Most of what I know about the other guy is from his… experiments. You know how I really got a handle on keeping him in? Practice. Over and over. Every time I failed, more people died. What I’ve learned is that anger and pain aren’t the same thing. Anger has too much hope in it. Sometimes, I could just sit there and take it because I was so far past angry that it didn't matter anymore.” I felt suddenly exhausted. “Sorry, Tony,” I mumbled, rubbing my eyes under my glasses. “Didn’t mean to dump that on you.”
Tony had pulled a Starkpad out of nowhere and was poking at it with a frown of concentration. “There we go,” he announced. “Pulled all the data of your field work, and it should be available on the computer in your room any time you want it. You know, in case you ever want to be able to look at Big Green through a lens that isn’t Ross.”
“Isn’t that classified?”
“Isn’t it your life?”
I shrugged noncommittally. “Won’t that raise suspicion, hacking into data about me?”
“What do you take me for, an amateur?”
I relaxed. “Okay. Sorry. Thanks.”
Tony waited until I had put another full spoon of ice cream in my mouth before changing the subject. “So, I’ve been working a lot on nanotech recently. I’ve got the most recent iteration of my suit mostly keyed to my biometrics, but you know you’ve got much more expertise in that area and I could really use your input… what do you say to some lab time tomorrow? I promise I’ll keep you off your feet.”
To my surprise, I found myself agreeing. “Okay.”
Tony’s face lit up. “Great! You are going to love what we’ve done with the upper level of the lab space here.”