I think I’m ready to go. After this summer, I think. I’ll see you and Haley and I’ll hang out with you and we can do drugs and sneak out and do teenage things. I’ll go when you two go back home I think. When I say go I don’t know if I’m talking about running away or dying. If I do die I don’t want it to be me killing myself, you know? I want it to be like I was in a car crash. Maybe I’ll run away and then kill myself. And you’ll be strong. I know it’s unfair of me to tell you how to grieve, and I don’t even know if you’re going to grieve, but if you do I want you to be healthy about it. I’ll see you when you close your eyes. And I’ll always be with you. I know how that’s stereotypical to say. Ill come visit in dreams, check up on you. Maybe I’ll ask how things are going, life updates and stuff, but I’ll know already. You know I love you. You know I’d die for you. I know this is corny. I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. This is crazy and I know you would never like me like that and it’s why I’m not sending this and you’ll never read it but I’ve always loved you. I’ve loved you more than a friend ever could. I have a crush on you that I could never explain, but even now I get butterflies in my stomach even talking about this. About you. Anyway, sometimes I blame myself for you vaping and stuff. Maybe i influenced you. I don’t know. Don’t become a junky like my mom. You are so smart and so special. You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. You’re talented and funny and you’re going to be great. I know you will. And later, when you lived and got away from Iowa and got old, you can come hang out with me. You can tell me all about youre kids and all the little summer romances and you’ll lay down and I’ll lay with you and I’ll play with your hair the way you like. Maybe by now you’ve grown it past your shoulders. Maybe it’s long. Maybe you shaved it. That’d be cool, I think. I would check in on everybody else too, but I would save the dreams for you. You will never know this, because I will never tell you and this will never send. This is longer than i planned. You won’t know about this. We still have a summer together. If you find this after I’ve left, I’m sorry. If you’re reading this in the future you have to know that i never stopped thinking of you, not until the end. I imagined you beside me every night. If I ran away, I’ll find you. Not not, maybe not in a few years. Maybe when you have a family and when I’ve had a couple. I don’t think I’d be a good mother, so no children. Maybe a few husbands. No wives. I would never love another woman like I could love you. I wouldn’t love a man either. But it would be worse with a woman, I would see you in her, I think. I will never love like anyone like you. Maybe I traveled, never got married. Maybe I live in a van and have gone to different country’s illegally. I know what you’re thinking. What everyone’s thinking. Why not stay? Why won’t you just stay if you don’t know what you want? I can’t. I can’t stay anymore. I could never expect you or anyone else to understand. This town is crushing me. The room that im writing this in is crushing me. Not in the “the walls are closing in” way but in the “the floor is more comfortable then the bed because it has less memories” way. I found one of your shirts yesterday. I smelt like you. I won’t wear it because the smell will go away. It’s currently folded in my dresser next to where I hide my vape. Lol. Anyways, this isn’t really a goodbye, because I’m not going anywhere yet and you don’t even know that I’m planning on going anywhere. I’ll see you soon. I love you. I miss you. You’ll see me soon. I’ll be okay until then.