Someone You Loved
The first time she told him she loved him was an accident. An incredibly stupid accident that they both pretended didn’t happen after. It’s not that it wasn’t true, she loved him more than she did herself and he was honestly the most important person in her life but it was too soon and way too fast. They weren’t even dating. In fact, he was engaged to someone else and it broke her heart more than he’d ever know.
She was happy for him when he told her the news of his engagement. She cried with him even. Her tears were more for herself than him but he didn’t need to know that. He was her best friend and she was going to be there for him no matter how much it killed her. That’s why when she got the invite to his wedding handed personally from him to her, she froze.
“Tandy? Are you alright?” His hands were on her shoulders as he chuckled. His dark eyes looking into hers and she didn’t know what to do. What was she supposed to say when it had felt like her heart filled up with water. It couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t breathe. “Tandy?”
“I love you, Ty. God, I’m in love with you.” She covered her mouth as he looked at her in shock. His eyes darting from hers with confusion.
“You what?” He sputtered. She wished the ground would swallow her whole.
“I-I need a minute.” She stood, her heart racing a million miles per minute and her legs wobbly as she walked to the back porch.
Tandy placed her hand on her chest, willing herself to take a deep breath. Everything is going to be okay. He’s your person. That’s never going to change.
It was ironic how beautiful it was today, mid April, the sun brighter and bigger than ever, tiny hummingbirds flying around the treehouse her and Ty had built when they were children, and everything just seemed so perfect.
“Is everything okay?” God, she loved him. He looked so concerned, so safe. It wasn’t fair of her to worry him. It wasn’t his fault she had loved him forever. And it wasn’t his fault he didn’t love her back. She wished he did. Perfect was an illusion.
“Yeah.” She laughed. “Sorry, just felt claustrophobic all of the sudden.” Her voice was small, just how she felt and the world seemed so big and scary. She just wanted to escape.
“Tandy.”
“No, Ty, it’s fine. I’m okay. We don’t have to talk to about it. I don’t know what I was thinking.” She shrugged, her hair brushed against her shoulders and she figured it was time for a cut. She could do with short hair. Tyrone always said she’d look good with a bob. Shit.
Ty sighed. She knew he didn’t believe her but she appreciated him pretending to. She couldn’t talk about this, not with him. He deserved better than her unrequited love.
He left shortly after that. He looked defeated and she felt bad. He must know she loves him in a way deeper than friendship, something that surpassed even that of a relationship. She knew it was crazy and impossible but she felt as if they were destined for each other, soulmates even. She knows, deep down, that however many lives she may have, she will always find her way to him. She will always love Tyrone Johnson.
The second time she tells him she loved him is selfish. She knows it is but he had to know. He had to know that every time he smiled at her, it felt like she was whole and belonged in this world. That every time he was near her, she felt safer than she had since her dad died. He had to know that a life without him is not a life she wanted to imagine, let alone live.
This was it. Tandy looked at herself the mirror. She looked great. Her long blue dress ran along her body like a river and she felt beautiful, knew that conventionally she was. Her hair was just below her ears and she smiled at her reflection. She could get through this day. Her best friend was getting married. This was exciting. She was happy for him.
“Goddamnit.” She spoke softly, tears running down her cheeks. It was so hard. She was playing the part as his “best man”. It was sweet of him but having a closer than front row seat to the rest of his life with someone else was quite possibly her worst nightmare. She couldn’t do this.
She had to do this.
“Are you ready?” She turned around, her mouth hanging open slightly at the sight of Ty. She had seen him in many suits but this was different. He looked beautiful. He looked breathtaking if she was being honest. “Hey, we promised no crying, Bowen.” He smirked. “Come here.” He brought her into his arms and she cried harder. She felt like she was losing him forever. She looked up at him, his face so close to hers and she wanted nothing more to do than kiss him until tomorrow. Chalk all this up to an elaborate dream. Tell him how much she loved him.
“Can you promise me something?” Her voice so vulnerable that it scared even her.
“Anything. Always.”
“Just-” She sighed, her heart breaking a little with each syllable. “Just promise me that this won’t change us.” She stepped back from him, the proximity too much for her to bare. “Promise me you’ll always be my person?”
His expression was so open and confused, she almost felt bad for asking anything of him.
“Yeah. Of course.” He still looked confused but brushed it off as he linked arms with her. “Let’s do this.” Right, he was getting married.
“Tyrone Johnson. Tyrone. Ty. I love you man.” Tandy slurred as she held up her glass and read from her index card. Tyrone laughed from the table he sat at with his wife and she wished everything would stop spinning. “You’re my best friend and I can confidently say you’ve saved my life in more ways than one. When I lost my father, you didn’t judge me for doing all the bad shit I did. You cared for me and you let me know that it was okay to fall apart. You loved me and it meant everything to me, Ty. Words cannot describe my love for you. I think our hearts beat to the same song. I know that’s cheesy and corny and all things stupid but I love you. I’m in love with you.” The room became silent and Tandy realized, finally, what she was saying and who she was saying it in front of.
Tyrone stood up from where he was sitting, a melancholy look across his face.
“I’m so sorry. I-” Tandy stuttered, leaving the room. She vaguely heard him calling after her but she ran. She ran as far as she could, tears running down her face once again. She had cried far too many times today.
She was outside. She could breathe again but just barely. She never understood heartbreak, why it took your insides and made them unimaginable, why it took your tears and made them cold. It shouldn’t hurt this bad. Nothing should hurt this bad. She knows she messed up. Ty would never forgive her. She lost her best friend.
Tandy continued to walk, her hips swaying slightly in her intoxicated state. It started to rain slightly and she laughed. Of course it would rain. She slipped off her heals and held them in her hand. Her bare feet bruised against the pavement but she didn’t care. Nothing could hurt worse than what she was feeling inside. A mix of regret, guilt, and sadness. Every single emotion of dread. She hadn’t felt like this since her father died when she was young. She tried to remember what he’d tell her in times like this but came up blank. She couldn’t even remember his voice and that made her cry harder. Her makeup was ruined, her dress soaked, and her feet blistered. Her heart was broken. Nothing could fix this.
She pulled out her phone, wiping the raindrops from the screen, and sighed. She knew this was a bad idea but she was running low on good ones. She dialed his number and waited.
Three rings.
“Hello?” His voice was deep and far away. It made her heart ache inside of her chest.
“Hey, it’s Tandy.” She waited for him to respond. He didn’t. “Can you, um, can you come pick me up. If you’re not busy, of course.” She stammered out. No, this was a bad idea.
“Uh, yeah sure. Drop me your location, I’m getting in the car now.” He hung up and she let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. She sent him her location and waited for his beat up pick up truck.
She looked around and noticed for the first time that she was lost. There were mainly trees and dirt roads. A few cows in the distance and a single farmhouse. She wondered how long she had been walking and if Ty went to look for her. She knows deep down he didn’t. He had a wife now. She wasn’t his top priority and it was selfish to think she ever would be again.