Bruce stays true to his Aunt’s suggestion. He doesn’t like it, but this is for the best right? It doesn’t matter if he makes friends at school or if they think he’s too weird or bully him. These are the people he has to be friends with. Since none of them are decent why should he waste time trying to befriend anyone his age?
He’s more interested in science anyway and what is being taught in class and if that makes him a nerd well so what his glasses were just a bonus to that insult. Not to mention other issues that are deemed unpopular by his peers. It doesn’t matter he likes learning it gives him time to think and not be bothered by anyone else and besides he has Guardian as his friend. He doesn’t need anyone but Guardian to be his friend anyway.
Sure, Guardian has been with him always and maybe he needs to grow up from imaginary friends but it’s different. Guardian has to be different. He’s not some purple and pink polka dotted elephant that sings. He’s Guardian, he just is or well that difficult to explain. Guardian had never been a he before he just always has been. His shape is forming much better sturdier than before. He’s not just sand and wind anymore he’s bigger or well he’s larger than Bruce almost like an adult but still too thin muscled but not gangly and awkward like teenagers. Guardian feels more solid. Bruce doesn’t understand it but he’s trying to.
Guardian had said or made Bruce see his thoughts about what they were. Guardian liked hearing “he” and had heard it so much before they never thought differently. “He” was a word for strength, power, toughness and not weakness. At least that’s what they thought looking through Bruce’s eyes when he was able to peak from behind the curtains. He never thought anything of it and for a long time thought of Jennifer as “he”.
She was strong, fearless, and very, very persistent. Bruce had tried to disconnect from Jennifer, but she didn’t agree with him. Her face became red and she hugged Bruce tightly it hurt. She was strong but she was crying telling him no. Jennifer was “he” Guardian had decided that day. Jennifer had to be a “he” smart and sneaky.
Bruce had to explain the difference between “he” and “she” which Guardian only understood slightly. Guardian knew it was based on what Bruce called body differences, but it was different in his mind. It didn’t matter what body or genitals one had not in his mind. Guardian could be as strong as a block of concrete and then flow as gently as a stream. So why wasn’t it the same for Bruce’s world? Why did “he” and “she” have such differences? It made no sense.
It’s not as if Guardian thought “she” was weaker than “he” they were both strong just different strengths. Their mother was a “she”, but it was a hidden strength, gentler not as bold but still just as important. “She” was important, kind, strength not in physical aspects but in mind…more sly. Their mother may have been beaten down by their scum bag father, may have not gotten away until it was too late, but she was strong, determined. Warm but freezing, breakable. It made Guardian’s head spin trying to explain it to Bruce.
Still Guardian just accepted the words as Bruce’s meaning. He couldn’t find one word to explain it to Bruce, but Bruce could feel his feelings on the words. It was enough since he couldn’t express the words any clearer than he could explain.
Guardian thought Bruce was a “she” even if the body was “he”. He had a quite strength like their mother. He was kind, and never gave up even when their aunt was horrible to him. He just allowed her abuse but still had strength to continue while Guardian was unforgiving of her actions. Guardian wanted to make her pay.
Either way Guardian was not going to allow their aunt to ruin Jennifer or hurt Bruce. Guardian had to nudge Bruce into staying friends with Jennifer. Their aunt was horrible, but Jennifer had come up with a plan.
“Well you pretend to help me with…with school stuff and technically we won’t be friends, but we will be because it’ll be a secret. Mommy doesn’t have to know cause she’s being mean. Promise to keep it secret,” she had asked offering him the sacred pinky swear.
That was a little more than three years ago. This would be the first year Bruce wouldn’t be able to walk with her to school. He wouldn’t be able to talk to her at recess or check on her in the hallway. He was no longer attending elementary school, but middle school and it was not going well.
Sometimes Bruce envied Guardian hiding behind the curtain, able to hide so easily. It was unfair why did he have to be here all the time? Why couldn’t they share? He’s sure Guardian would be better at this than him…or at least interacting with people or sports. Anything physical Guardian could handle at least. It would be fun like a tag team of Bruce taking the history test and Guardian running during PE. It would be perfect but unfortunately this was not the case. Guardian could only come to the edge of the orange desert and no further. They had both tried to bring him over but with no success.
Either way middle school was proving to be a disaster. Between his classmates and himself experiencing puberty for the first time and the inadequate sex education lessons about his changing body he was not excited about this point in his life. It was already confusing enough being told about his ever-changing body and what to expect but having to listen to Guardian as well talking about “he” verse “she” it was confusing.
They needed to have a long talk or a long dream about it? Whatever they usually did to meet each other along the desert that’s what needed to happen. It was becoming too much for Bruce. Too much stimulation and noise he did not want to hear now.
So, he escapes to where no puberty hormone driven person wants to be, the library. He walks in ignoring the front desk as usual and heads for the spot under the window where he used to read books above his level. Now it’s just become his quiet space before heading home to his aunt and cousin. It’s a small oasis in this very confusing town. He let’s out a deep breath picking out his textbook and placing it in his lap. He stares at the word in the book and concentrates until the words begin to bleed. The ink flowing down the book like sap.
He and Guardian could never see each so easily before. He used to have to close his eyes and concentrate or only be able to see Guardian in his dreams but now it’s different. He wonders how it could be possible but he’s not stupid to ask. He’s already considered the weird kid and nerd he doesn’t need to add crazy to his list of adjectives. He’s always had Guardian it just has always been. It can’t be wrong…weird maybe but he doesn’t know what he would do without Guardian.
He blinks his eyes seeing the familiar orange sand. He feels it squish underneath his toes before a larger mass approaches him. Guardian is taller than he is looking more and more like a true person and not just wind and sand. He feels more solid and more…just more.
Bruce looks up at Guardian wearing the body of an older teen or maybe what he would have looked like if he was stronger, manlier. It’s strange how much Guardian is growing but maybe they both are going through puberty? Maybe they both are confused? Bruce reaches out and touches Guardian’s hand feeling the pads of his fingers still soft but strong.
“I feel your confusion and, well I’m confused as well,” he speaks holding Guardian’s hand so their emotions can flow through the link. Guardian grunts nodding their head.
“Not fake,” Guardian speaks slowly. Words are difficult to form. They make the head fuzzy and feel like speaking through thick syrup.
Bruce frowns, “I know you aren’t. I just, I just wish I knew what this was you know. You’re…you’re in my head and that has to make me crazy but you’re not telling me to do mean things and you protect me because I can’t. You’re…you’re bigger than me. Better,” he says fiddling with his hands. “You…I don’t know if you’re the better version and I should have stayed here,” he frowns.
Guardian looks down at Bruce brows wrinkled. Guardian leans down and wraps their arms around Bruce’s chubby middle and grunts. “Good. Not better version…different. Different not good but this…this good,” they say wincing at their own chopped up words. Guardian closes their eyes and hugs Bruce tighter. “No confuse.” Guardian pulls back and pokes at their chest. “Hair, like but not “he” and not “she”. Strongest there is. Strongest both,” they explain trying to fill Bruce with their thoughts and emotions.
“Both,” he says confused before it clicks. “Oh. Well that’s good. I uh I like hair there too,” he flushes. “But too uh, not there yet. So, don’t use “he” or “she” for now?”
Guardian furrows their brows thinking and shakes their head, “no use both. Both strongest,” they smile.
Bruce smiles, “huh ok use both. I still uh like “he” …I think? I never thought about it. Hmm “he” is good for now.”