“Allison… you know.”
Allison felt her lungs implode. They couldn’t possibly be there anymore. They must have shrunk in on themselves. She probably heaved in her breath so deeply she heaved her lungs in too and now all that was attached to her oesophagus was a compacted, shrivelled ball of useless organ that no longer did its job because the truth is Allison did not know. Not for sure. Never for sure. Until right now. Allison ‘I was hopin’’ McRoberts never allowed herself to think… that. To hope that. Because if Tammy wasn’t Patty’s ‘friend’... then what the fuck was Allison? She hated the feeling that was swelling where her lungs used to be. She hated the hope that was brewing. She hated-
“I know what?”
-that apparently her mouth was speaking before she had allowed herself to get her thoughts in the right order. In any order.
“You know, okay?” Patty uttered. The words were laced in desperation. A desperation for Allison to understand; to accept; to move on but also not to move on because this was too important. A desperation for Allison to not fuck it up. Not this time.
“You know that Tammy isn’t just some friend and you know why you shouldn’t have asked me to do that!” Patty continued before Allison had the chance to fuck anything up. Patty stood above Allison, looking down on her. She deserved to be looked down on but oh God not by Patty. Anyone but Patty.
“Well, you never actually said anything and I didn’t wanna just assume!” It sounded stupid as soon as it left her mouth. It sounded stupid and fake before it left her mouth. She wrung her hands together, wishing, hopin’, that her stupidity would etch its way into the skin on her wrists instead of falling from her lips. She was giving herself a friction burn.
“Bullshit! You knew!”
No. I didn't know. I really didn’t-
Allison swallowed. Her silence gave Patty a chance to continue. It would give Patty a chance to berate her. But she deserved it because maybe she did know. Maybe her hopes got in the way and maybe it was obvious. Maybe throwing her hopes away meant throwing the truth away with it. She turned her head towards her hands.
“And you framed Nick for me, not out of the kindness of your heart, but you did it so that when you asked me to betray Tammy I’d owe you one,” Patty said accusingly. Her pointer finger jabbed its way towards Allison and then jabbed its way back towards herself and then jabbed-
And fuck she was wrong. Maybe Allison did some wrong but she wasn’t some… some evil fucking mastermind! She didn't plan to do anything wrong. It just…happened. Things always caught up to her and all of a sudden she was knee deep in shit and treating the people around her like shit. Everything just became…shit.
“Okay, that is not true. And also, ‘betray her’ is a little strong,” Allison replied defensively. The hope in her chest was disintegrating.
“You knew I wouldn’t say no, not to you!”
The hope was burning. Like bile, but not in her mouth, in her lungs - they must have regrown. Regrown but now full of a thick, hot liquid that bubbled and burned and oh fuck fuck fuck. She did know. There was no denying it. Allison knew and made Patty do shit anyway because Allison knew she would. Allison knew and disguised the knowledge poorly with a thin veil of discarded hope.
“Oh God,” Patty sighed, turning away from the blonde on the couch.
Despite the new revelations; despite the burning bile in her lungs (and maybe her stomach too); despite her sudden clarity over the hold she had over Patty (despite her hope as to why she had the hold), Allison couldn’t stop the question from being asked. She looked at her fingers again.
“Did you actually look in her notebook?”
“Yes! And I hate myself for it.”
Maybe she could have stopped there. Maybe she should have stopped there. She could not. She should have.
“Uh, what did it say?”
“Jesus, Allison! It said nothing! I did it for nothing! She doesn’t think that you want your husband dead, she thinks we talk too much. She’s jealous. She called you ‘meek’ and a ‘victim’ - ”
Kevin getting her fired and Kevin throwing her things out of the window and Kevin yelling and Kevin begging and ‘Allison do this’ and ‘Allison do that’ and Allison doing it all because Kevin said so and it’s just easier. ‘Get me a beer’, ‘You already used that excuse this month’, ‘Your face got in the way of the ball’.
“Clearly, she doesn’t know you!”
And clearly that was true. Kevin did a lot of things, but he never tried to kill her. And Allison couldn’t say the same about herself.
“Okay,” she mumbled. She tried to say it clearly (she tried to sound stable) but bile really was building in her throat now and it was hard to breathe and hard to swallow and hard to talk. And Patty wasn’t stopping any time soon.
“But I can’t take back what I did. She’s the only person that I have and you used it. You ruined it.”
The hope was gone. The hope fell to pieces. The hope became dust and fuck what Emily Dickinson says. ‘Hope is a thing with feathers’. Hope is also a thing with knives. The hope crawled its way out of Allison, slicing her insides on its way out. Hope did nothing but leave her bleeding internally and seething externally. Hope hurts and the hope is gone.
“I’m sorry, Tammy’s the only person you have?” Fuck hope. Fuck hope, anger is better. Anger burns but in a good way. While hope settles, anger escapes. “That’s a rude thing to say.”
“Be rude, Allison. At least rude is being shitty out in the open.”
“Okay well, sorry for askin’ for your help.” Allison was sick of being looked down upon (not by her, never by Patty). She abruptly got to her feet and followed Patty to the other side of the couch.
“Jesus! I thought I could. You know, isn’t that what we do? We’ve both done terrible things but we’ve done them for each other… you know, at this point, I couldn’t even tell you who’s done what.”
“You’re the one who tried to kill her husband,” Patty responded without missing a beat.
Allison’s jaw tensed. Ouch. Low fuckin’ blow. “And you’re the one who helped.”
“And it was a bust. So… clearly you’re better off with a different accomplice.” Patty started toward the door. Everything was slipping away again.
“Hey, I don’t want you around ‘cause you’re a good accomplice!” When things start slipping away, the truth slips out too. It slips out past the hope and the anger.
“You-, you’ve raised me from the dead. Like, after all this, you’re gonna le-,” the truth tried to slip out, but Allison had never been very good with the truth.
“Without you…” She cut herself off with a huff, stomping her foot lightly as she did so. Frustration curled her lips. If she couldn’t even say it, how could she have ever hoped?
“You’re-,” Allison tried again. She picked at her fingers instead of looking at Patty. She didn’t want to see her face. She didn’t want to see the disappointment (or worse…the hope).
“What?” Patty asked, and oh god that fucking hope.
Allison tried to say everything and found that all she could say was nothing. Patty scoffed.
“Okay. Yeah. You know what? Nevermind. Nevermind, I’m not gonna ask you for help. I’m not gonna ask you for anything. So let's just go back to how it was. I'll get you a beer, and you'll say, ‘Oh, it's not cold enough,’ and that will be the extent of our sharing, okay? So, let's just go back to how it was.”
She should take it back. She knew she should but she couldn’t. She couldn’t pretend the last fifteen years didn’t hurt. She couldn’t go back to that being the extent of their sharing either. But it hurt.
“Fine!” Patty agreed. That hurt more.
“Fine!” Allison retorted stubbornly. She turned her back and stormed towards the kitchen. She couldn’t watch Patty leave.
The kitchen was cold and dark and-
“How dare you!” Neil yelled, breaking through the closet door. It could have been funny if the room wasn’t so cold. It could have been funny if Neil wasn’t standing so close to her. It could have been funny if Allison had been unable to smell the whiskey on his breath and if she couldn’t see the steeliness in his eyes or the way his fists were balled tightly by his sides, or if he hadn’t wobbled slightly or if his words weren’t slurred. Yeah, maybe it could have been funny. Allison couldn’t find it in her to laugh. And she had already thrown away all her hope. Her hope had walked out the front door.
“That’s right. I heard everything.” He stumbled closer to Allison.
“I-, I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about,” she scoffed, attempting to hide the shake in her voice.
“What d’you think I’m talking about?” He stepped even closer, forcing Allison against the kitchen counter.
“Well, I don't know what you're talking about unless you know what you're talking about.”
“I know what I'm talking about, and I know what you talked about, and therefore, what I'm talking about.”
“Well, now I definitely don't know what you're talking about.”
But she did. She knew exactly what he was talking about. Fuck fuck fuckety fucking fuck, she knew what he was talking about. Was the cold room getting hot? Was it getting hotter? Did Patty take the air with her when she left? - She’s the only person that I have and you used it. You ruined it.
“Please, Allison, being sardined in the closet for four hours may cut off circulation in some places, but it doesn't affect my hearing.” His fists tightened and his legs pushed against Allisons. She could feel his jeans chafe against her thighs. The bile was back in her throat.
“Neil, it's not what you think.”
It's exactly what he thinks.
“I've been losing feeling in my left leg thinking Kevin was over me, that I'd hide and he would never seek me ever again. But I think I know how to get back in his good graces.”
Neil fished his phone out of his jacket pocket and flaunted it in front of Allisons face. He shook it too hard between his fingers and it slipped, clattering against the tiles. Neil’s meaty hands gripped Allison's shoulders. His face was mere inches away from hers. She could see his flaring nostrils; his quivering lip; his foggy eyes. His hands tightened before they released her shoulders. Allison got to her knees, attempting to collect the fallen phone. He blocked her from moving from her kneeling position. Kneeling in front of-
He jerked forward.
“No, Neil, don't,” Allison tried weakly. He pressed forward, slamming her head against the kitchen counter. He stepped closer. His jeans were the only thing between Allison’s face and Neils-
“Neil, stop.”
He mumbled something incoherent in response.
Allison carried her body upwards. She forced herself onto her feet, ignoring how Neil rubbed against her as she stood. She stumbled, but could not fall anywhere. She was trapped between Neil and the counter.
“Stop!”
“Give me that!” he grunted.
Allison really did not want to think about what that is.
“No, stop!” she tried again.
His hand wrapped around her throat and threw her backwards. His hand stopped her breath half way through her exhale. She was trapped. She lay across the kitchen counter. She tried to move out of his grip but his hands were monstrous and tight. His hand squeezed her neck and it felt like Kevin but also it just felt like Neil. Neil and his whiskey breath and his-, his jerking and-
And suddenly she could breathe again.
***
Patty slammed the front door shut. She stumbled down the porch steps and inhaled the bitterly cold air. That girl infuriated her beyond any reasonable logic. She was selfish, self-centred, borderline manipulative and-, and I get to know you’re safe.
And deep down she cared. Deep below the layers of deceit and self-hatred, Allison cares. If Patty could rip away the defense systems Kevin (and God knows who else) forced her to build, maybe she wouldn’t be so-, so fucking intolerable.
I mean I came up here lookin’ for you-, not because things were going to shit and I had to talk to you, but because I wanted to.
Okay, so maybe Allison isn’t intolerable. But she is wrong. What she did was wrong. What she forced Patty to do was wrong. She-
Please. I can’t…live like this anymore.
But did Allison ever have a choice? Patty swallowed the tears that tried to choke her. She shoved her hands in her pockets, fished out a cigarette and her blue lighter. After at least three attempts she lit it with her shaking hands.
She sucked in the menthol flavour and immediately coughed the smoke out. It definitely had nothing to do with the tears streaming down her face.
I’m sorry, Tammy’s the only person you have?
No. That was a lie. Why did she lie? Sure, she was mad…but Allison-. Allison made her do something she never would have considered. Allison made Patty a villain. Allison-...
Patty began to walk. She was seething with rage. Rage that started at her toes and filled her veins and travelled up to her chest where it stopped. It was quelled there. A different feeling altogether absorbed her chest. The rage began to flow again at her neck, but that feeling of other diluted the rage into a pathetic mixture of pain and pity. And panic. Because the feeling changed all of her other feelings. It put a lens on her other feelings, it altered how she saw every other memory and it made whatever just happened hurt even more.
You've... You've raised me from the dead.
Allison was wrong about that. Patty had not raised Allison from the dead. Allison raised Patty from the dead. She raised Patty from the last fifteen years of nothing. Fifteen years of autopilot. She might as well have been dead.
Patty held her cigarette until it burned her fingertips. She stood silently in front of Kevin's house and allowed herself to feel the burn. Something was…wrong. Without thinking, Patty let the feeling carry her. She entered Kevin's back garden mindlessly.
“Neil, stop.”
Patty looked up. She dropped her cigarette. What was Neil doing there?
“Stop!”
Fuck.
“Give me that!” Patty heard Neil slur.
“No, stop!”
Patty had moved closer to the back door. She wasn’t thinking. The feeling in her chest dragged her inside. The feeling ached. It yanked the breath out of her lungs and it rushed through her body, disintegrating any anger, any rage. It almost broke her in half.
Neil. The boy who smiled through his pain and cried at Patty’s. The boy who made jokes to make her feel better. The boy who ensured Patty’s door was closed and locked so she was safe from any fake or real monsters. Patty didn’t know when he stopped being that boy and became this man. The man who smelled like a bar floor. The man who held Allison down by the neck. The man who ignored her screams and squeezed harder. The man who was smiling at Allison’s struggle. Allison’s small frame was thrown over her kitchen. Neil had his monstrous hand (a hand just like his fathers) around her throat, crushing it.
The feeling picked up the bottle and the feeling smashed it over her own brother's head.
“What the fսck?!” Neil groaned in shock as he lay on the ground, shattered glass surrounded him.
“You're not gonna tell Kevin anything.” Patty looked towards Allison. Her hand was bleeding.
“You okay?” Patty asked.
Allison lowered her shaking hand and grasped for Patty’s. Patty took it without questions. The blood smeared onto her. She didn’t care.
“I'm fine.” She didn’t sound fine. She sounded lost. Patty squeezed Allison’s bleeding hand, hoping the feeling would flow through her and into Allison. Maybe it already has.