Chapter one

James Potter has always been a warm, easy going person, his mother knew that, his father knew that, and so did everyone that met him. And his ability to go with the flow of life around him has always been the most defining characteristic of his, and most of the time he was grateful to be; it is what his mother raised him to be, but in moments like these, well, he wasn’t sure.

The day had started like every other one since the beginning of time- obviously only since he started Hogwarts, but that’s not relevant, and James could have sworn he did everything the same in his little routine, but something was different. The air felt different, the way his clothes touched him felt different, and the way his parents looked at him when he got to platform nine and three quarters was different.

It was slightly unnerving the way that everything felt, like the life he knew would never be the same. And James wasn’t having any of it, he had finally gotten everything he wanted; he’s captain of the quidditch team, he has the best friends in the whole world, and he has a crush on the most beautiful girl in the world… even if she doesn’t like him back.

The point was that James was going to own fifth year, just like the years before. And this weird feeling was not getting in the way (even if it scared him and made him want to run and hide in his mum’s arms).

Which is why when he got to the platform and said bye to his mum and dad, he smiled and hugged them like it would be the last, because you never know what could happen, then got on the train to find his mates, who at this point are his family.

And when they all reunited, they had acted as if they hadn’t seen eachother in years, even if it’s only been days…

Coming back to Hogwarts after the summer away was always comforting to James, there’s nothing quite like it; all of his friends coming back together in the place that they had met all those years ago, it was their home. And with that, James normally got lost in the bliss that it gave him.

Sirius gently bumped their knees together to get James back in the moment, like he normally did when he was like this.

“What do you think the first years will be like this year?” Peter wondered mostly aimed at Remus because James and Sirius were playing footsie from where they sat next to one another, and they were definitely not paying attention.

“I don’t know mate, they couldn’t be any worse than the year before them.” Sirius responds rather dramatically, flinging himself over James while he throws his hand across his forehead.

(The now second years in question were horrible in Sirius’ opinion, they threatened his level of dramatics and he just wasn’t having it.)

Remus huffed, then said, rather humored, “They were not that bad, the little lads had just threatened your throne of dramatics.”

Sitting up from his position, he stared at Remus with great betrayal, “What do you mean they weren’t that bad? I swear one of them threatened to burn all of my nail polish,” though Sirius mumbled that last part mostly to himself.

“Oh no, whatever shall you do.” Remus responded monotonously, and casually flipped back to his book, or atleast he tried to as Sirius took the book and made Remus elaborate more on what he had meant.

James and Peter on the other hand just watched the bickering couple.

Pete took the spot that Sirius had once occupied and questioned James about the plan for Lily this year.

Upon hearing his words, the amused smile from James’ face slowly faded, “I’m gonna go along with the normal plan, this year it has to work, I’ve been trying for long enough for her to understand that I’m being se- genuine about it.”

He tried to convince himself that this year there would be change, that she would finally fall for him. Every year since he was eleven- specifically after she told him off in potions the first time they properly met- he has tried getting Lily Evans to like him back. But she has always refused him with great fervor. And even if he doesn’t want to admit it to anyone else, it hurts. He has shown how much he likes her so many times and all it had ever gotten him was being yelled at, publically humiliated, and rejected.

Now, not everything he had done was the smartest or the best idea out there, but he tried. He put everything he had into the date proposals and every rejection just felt like a knife to the gut, twisting and turning until he was a hollow cave, gutted beyond belief with nothing more to give.

James, however, would never express this, and why should he? He needs to be happy, what happens if he’s not? He doesn’t know the answer to that actually, but he’s not willing to find out.

So, with every rejection he’ll nod, smile, apologize, repeat.

And when that’s all over, he goes on with his day, laughing, smiling, and being the happy person that everyone needs him to be. The only time he lets himself not be happy for once is at night, in whatever dark corner of the castle that he can find. His system is a faultless one, with it never failing, and he knows that it won’t fail anytime soon.

The only time he got close to being caught was when he almost-

“James!”

Coming back from his trance-like state, he saw the worried looks from his three friends, Remus and Sirius sitting significantly closer than they were before (however long ago it was that he last paid attention), and Pete had turned his body fully to look at him .

“You okay prongs?” Sirius questioned with his brows furrowed.

He prayed to whatever was out there that he could convince his friends that he was fine and that they could all move on from this, whatever it was.

James gave a convincing smile and nodded, “Yeah, I just got caught up thinking on how to woo Evans.”

Thankfully some guardian angel had to have been listening to him and everyone moved on; Sirius and Peter animatedly talking about the great pranks for this year, while Remus unabashedly stared at Sirius, and James returned to his own never-ending train of thoughts.

———

Regulus swore that he would let it go, that the tired looks he saw on Potter’s face last term was just from stress, that it would go away when they returned from holiday, but they are still there. And he knows that he should be talking to his friends and catching up from what they did over the summer (even though he doesn’t have anything exciting to share), but no, he’s tuning his friends out to watch Potter like some sort of stalker.

There is something so strange about watching someone that emits the energy of the sun from his pores looking so tired. Anytime that James thinks someone isn’t looking, his face dulls, like all of the energy has been sucked out of him, to only return to keep up appearances. And it’s bizarre for Regulus to sit there and watch James; to think that he’s the only one that notices the look on Potter’s face- that this ball of happiness is so obviously depleted, but no one but himself noticing is a disservice, to what Regulus isn’t sure.

The fact that Potter tries so hard to be happy for everyone but himself is so evident if you just pay attention- from the moment they met, Regulus has noticed every move that Potter made in his presence (even if they were only in the same areas briefly). And Regulus can’t even begin to comprehend the fact no one is paying attention because who wouldn’t?

James smiles, James frowns, James laughs, Regulus sees it all. And he can’t help but think about how beautiful he looks doing it.

Evan can’t keep it together anymore and he just laughs, and when there would normally be a reaction, whether that be a scowl or a look, there’s just not. He is so utterly entranced with the entity that is James Potter that he just has to figure him out, to understand, and to be the only one to do so.

It’s amusing to them, how could it not be? Regulus has never found interest in people, it was hard enough for him to even have a few friends, but for Regulus to want to solve the puzzle of James Potter, well that is something (but if anyone asks, he’s just interesting).

“Aye Reg, you plan to stop staring at Potter and converse with your friends, or are we not interesting enough for you?” Barty teased Regulus, grinning when all he got was a scowl in turn.

Dorcas, even though amused with the situation, defended Regulus, “Oh leave him alone, not everyone can be you and Evan.”

“Oh come off of it Dorcas, you’re just mad that you’ve fancied Marlene since the beginning of time but still won’t talk to her.” Evan teased back.

And with the both of them going back and forth, Regulus’ staring problem has been forgotten.

Some time had passed and the group of Slytherins heard the distinctive voice of James Potter making a fool out of himself once again. And all Regulus can do is watch.

———

“Oi Evans, fancy hanging out with me later in the common?” James shouted down the table, but with his booming voice, the entire Gryffindor and Slytherin tables could hear him. He sat there grinning with his friends- Sirius was laughing, Peter was smiling, and Remus just looked a tad bit amused.

James doesn’t even remember how the words left his mouth, or why, he knew it wouldn’t end well, but he had to atleast try, who would he be if he didn’t? He’s flirted and asked out Lily Evans since he was 11 for godric’s sake!

And it seems this time Lily has finally just gotten tired of it all, her comment cementing the fact into everyone who heard’s brain; she was so mad that she was calm, and her voice alone made everyone around them go silent, “Bloody fucking hell Potter, just bugger off already, I have told you time and time again that I do not fancy you.”

It’s important to note that over the years Lily Evans has always responded with insults to any advance that he would make, but she has never been calm.

Even though the harsh words were said, James did what he did best: he smiled at her, like his heart didn’t just shatter, and apologized, “Sorry Evans, I’ll leave you be.”

Those that heard couldn’t help but feel bad, James has tried so hard for so long to get the girl of his dreams just for it all to continuously blow up in his face. And it became increasingly clear that he would stop this time. This was his last attempt to woo Lily Evans, there was no wink to his friends, or laugh, or anything really; he just continued eating with his head down.

(And if you were to ask Regulus, there were tears in Potter’s eyes, but no one needed to know that)

Not really knowing what to do, Sirius decided to make a (dumb) joke, “Ay mate, there are plenty of birds out there for you, Evans just isn’t the one.”

James scoffed, “Right, so easy for you to say, mate.”

Sirius and Peter shared wide-eye looks at the tone because it was so unlike James. Who was he if not calm, kind and happy- the friend who’s life revolved on building others up and being incredibly patient? He has never just snapped.

“Cmon Prongs, y’know that’s not what I mean.” Sirius tried his hardest to backpedal with a frown on his face.

James looked up with an unreadable look in his eye, “Go ahead and save it, I don’t care.”

The Marauders didn’t know what to do- James never snapped at any of them, and especially not Sirius- so they just stared when he got up from the table and left the dining hall.

(Looking back on the moment the other three Marauders should have seen this as a very clear sign that James wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows like they thought)

———

The realization that the other three Marauders would eventually come to is something that Regulus Black was already aware of. The way that James carried himself was something that was practically screaming for others to realize that he wasn’t perfect.

Regulus watched as the light in James’ eyes disappeared after his talk with Evans, how his head dropped and the way that the light reflected off of his glass stained eyes, it was unbearable to see (not because he cared, but because it was embarrassing, obviously). The way that James snapped at his obnoxious brother was a sight to see, and he couldn’t help but want to go after him.

Regulus felt unnerved by the curiosity that he has about James. He has been raised to not care, to forget the feelings of others and to worry about the betterment of his house, the noble house black. Since he was a child the only thing that he’s been told is that he should worry about himself and, eventually, whatever pureblood girl he is to marry (not that he actually wants to, not that it’s a choice).

Sitting here, watching James dart out of the dining hall with glassy eyes hiding behind his glasses, Regulus couldn’t help but want to chase after him, how stupid. He felt so stupid, what is happening to him? Why is this happening? Potter isn’t any of his concern, there should be no reason that he’s feeling like this, it’s horrible.

So, as to not follow his impulses, he turned back to his friends and forced himself into a conversation with his friends who just watched him knowingly.

(And he definitely was not watching the doors to see if James would come back)

———

James ran.

He took the first left out of the dining hall and right up the stairs, he ran and ran until he reached the astronomy tower. And then he cried.

It was humiliating for him and he was just so tired. Was he not good enough? Why was he not good enough? He has tried relentlessly for years, why does she not like him back? What had he done to make her hate him so much? It makes him want to disappear, how does he constantly get himself in the position to be humiliated and publicly shamed? It was so embarrassing. And he didn’t know what was worse: being rejected in front of all of those people or being embarrassed in front of him.

Regulus Black has always haunted him. There was something so intriguing about the youngest Black brother that James couldn’t put his finger on. All that he knew for certain was that even if Regulus was like a pandora’s box, he could never even dare think about becoming his friend, Sirius would never forgive him and he could never go against Sirius’ back like that, could he? Sirius meant more to him than anyone, he was his favorite person and he would never do anything that could jeopardize that. However, his younger brother was something that James wanted to figure out, he haunted James, and it made him question everything.

(If Regulus was to hear his thoughts, he would be baffled)

Just looking at Regulus made him antsy- like being around him would get him in trouble. If James were to ever indulge himself in getting to know the enigma that was Regulus Black, he wouldn’t know what to do with himself, he wanted to get to know him so badly that it hurt, but he just couldn’t.

Since James couldn’t let himself get to know Regulus he would watch from afar, admiring him and making sure he was okay, even though he knew that Regulus would never do the same. That’s why it was so awful that he’s seen him be embarrassed so many times, that’s all he would ever know of James, and Godric did he want Regulus to know more.

So now James sat, crying in the astronomy tower while everyone else was at the feast, hiding from all of his problems. And so he got time to breathe and calm down before his charade had to go back up for his friends.

It was peaceful being up here all by himself, there were no loud sounds and no people, just the quiet, serene sound of a door slamming open?

James sat up from where he was leaning against the pillar and called out into the silence, because he’s clearly not alone anymore,“Hello?”

“Hi,” A faint voice said back, and when he turned to see who it was, he thought he might as well die.

And as previously mentioned, this was a great plan, no one ever found him, mostly because no one ever tried… until now and Godric did he want to disappear.