He breathes and he feels pain. Everyone is just a blurred screen to him as he continues to walk, as each step gets harder and tighter. Tony Stark doesn’t feel anything. This he knows. After the accords, everything has become a cycle, a cycle of smiles he thinks. Fake ones at that.
Tony goes to the meeting, creates the tech, fights the battle, goes back to smiling. Gosh how he hates smiling. It strains his face now, it makes him empty. And all he will ever be is empty it seems. But he doesn’t complain, he doesn’t get angry, he barely even knows how to anymore. Once upon a time, if someone broke his wall he would throw a fit, but now a nod and cracked laugh is all he can conjure. The Avengers don’t make it easier. He sees them looking happy, revealing real smiles after all that happened. Acting as if nothing never happened.
Stark men never have to hide. Just thinking of what his dad would say makes him somber. God, hiding is just what he has to do. Hiding is his way of survival. But he doesn’t even know what he’s hiding. Forced to work with these people, these people that continue to taunt him, tease him and his broken heart. The bleeding one that hides behind his clouded glass. But all he has is this glass.
“Hey Tony! We’re hanging out in the living room. Some team bonding stuff Cap wants us to do. You coming?” Asked Clint. His smile was chilled, as if he doesn’t want to see Tony’s face. See his wrinkles and how this man, this old man, just breaks and kills as if that’s all he knows. Tony just smiles and nods.
He was on the balcony, for the lab no longer fits his needs. He didn’t want to leave. It seemed open, something that won’t judge if he would cry or scream or just think. But thinking doesn’t do him any good anyway.
Most people where there. Just sitting and talking, laughing and chuckling, one two one two, one two three four. He sits on the barstool and watches. Watching becomes a hobby now, as if he wishes something would change, someone would tick and crack as if a clock clicked and broke.
“Hey Tony, earth to Tony, whatcha doing there?”
“Nothing.”
It’s always nothing in his mind.
They laugh at him and he shows a small smile. Let me remind you, it’s fake. They continue to drink their beer and whiskey and red wine, as he sips on a water.
They know he’s sober, been trying to for months. How’s hard it’s supposed to be. But they continue to drink and laugh as he thrives and cries. They talk and he listens. The Rouge years are their favorite topic but for Rogers, it’s his father. Tony never thought he would miss his parents that much.
And this repeats, you see. It repeats and repeats and repeats. And he smiles and smiles and smiles. He wants to break, he wants to break. God he wants to break! To cry and be held. But no ones there. No one cares and no one hears.
“How are the Guardians doing? We ought to invite them over along with T’challa! Have a party!” Steve says drunken. And everyone cheers.
Tony wants cheers. Yea, Iron Man gets cheers and so does Tony Stark. But what about tony, with a lower case t. Tony who just sits and listens. Sits and listens.
He forgot to listen.
___________
He has Pepper. But she’s gone all over the world. He has Rhodes. But he’s everywhere as well.
The tower is full of people but he is still alone. The suits and the smiles and the laughs turn him into a mad man. But maybe it’s always been like this. Sad and hopeless. Faced with sobriety to actually be taken serious, sad and hopeless become his palace. His two new friends. That even brings him joy.
Ain’t he pathetic.
Most importantly, he has Peter. This, by the looks of it, little kid from Queens that tries. And tries and tries and tries. But what surprises him the most, is how this kid looks up to him.
A broken old man who just goes by the ways. As he ponders this, he wants to be a role model. Someone for this kid to come to thinking ‘he’ll help me’ and won’t be scared.
“Mr. Stark! Mr. Stark! Today I saved this lady from falling into a hole. She gave me a hug. And Ned and I built this LEGO super star during our free period, it was so cool you should have seen it.” He rambles on as a smile wont stop glowing on his face.
Like that would ever happen.
“Cool kid! How about we work on your web shooters. Make them more durable and have faster response times. We can watch a movie after.”
These were the only times he would enter the lab, not including when he has to make new Stark tech. Gosh, if he didn’t always follow the rules now he wouldn’t be filled with pain. But this was his kid, as if he felt that if they didn’t do anything science related Peter would leave.
And he couldn’t bare to lose anyone else.
___________
He eats and he sleeps. That’s something he feels he can control. But his feelings have nothing to do with it.
“Stark, whats your stats? We don’t know where you are. Don’t just disappear on us.” Natasha said in the coms. Yea they where fighting again, just this time at some robots that looked deadly. Space created, it seemed and like someone was trying to avenge. And with Tony’s Starks state of mind, he wasn’t ready for another round of space.
“I’m... fine.” He wasn’t fine. The pain it took him to talk made him breathe harder and faster. Trapped into that suit, that cage, as it will soon become his casket causes a panic. Panic isn’t something new but this was deep rooted. Years of wild screams and worries that bounced in his brain jumped to this opportunity. The fast paced breaths, the constant stabbing pains that never seemed to stop. One movement, a tiny move causes a tear. This was a new kind of pain.
Something was put in him. They. . . they injected him. Tony’s mind wrapped around the idea and started to hyperventilate. He’s just broken glass now.
He cut the coms off.
His vision was blurred and Friday sent him towards the compound. Breathing was his only task at the time. Once arriving he was unconscious.
Death didn’t seem like such a bad thing anymore.
_____________
“He’s in surgery right now. Probably won’t be out until tonight. I’ll tell you if anything happens.” explains Dr. Clo. Yea, Tony got hurt. Badly, even worse than Afghanistan it seemed. Maybe even Thanos. But the Avengers didn’t care, as long as he’s alive, they wouldn’t give a damn. The surgery was long, longer than most Dr. Clo saw and the damage was extensive. She worried if Tony would make it out. A leg cut to the bone, all ribs broken and cracked, internal bleeding and much more. The injections caused his healing time to become slow, not ready for the surgery that was happening. He was on the brink of death.
But Tony Stark is a fighter it always seems.
Turns out, he went into a coma. None of the Avengers came to see him except Natasha. None of the Avengers knew except Natasha. None the the Avengers cared except Natasha. She would see him after battles just to talk, but never about the fight. About the past mostly. And what was happening outside his tiny little cage that was his mind.
Tony could hear them in his induced sleep. Yea, he called it an induced sleep. So close to death but barely crossing the finish line. But induced sleep kept him in the positive at least.
Pepper came to see him. Talked about all the stupid things he did and what brought her joy. He never knew that he could bring joy. Rhodey came around a couple days later and Tony could hear tears. Soft tears that came with soft sobs. Rhodey was his rock, something not meant to cry over a speck. It weighed Tony down into the big hole that was his hatred. That hole only spiked and stabbed over Tony’s mind.
Peter came everyday. This shocked him every time he heard his voice. This childish voice that sounded down but always thought of something wonderful to cheer himself back up. This was his kid, Tony thought. And nothing was going to take Peter away from him again.
This continued for months. He didn’t want to wake up to his world where no one cares. Peter would set plans, something for them to do when he wakes up. It caused a smile and Peter rejoiced. But when will that ever happen? His body wasn’t ready to face the pain, he wasn’t ready to be seduced to fake smiles. This induced sleep was the only thing stopping this cycle of hurt. And he liked it. Yea, the thought of being selfish when others needed him came to mind, but when thinking of them, no one really needed him for all he did was cause more damage.
“I joined the basketball team Mr. Stark. Coach said I was pretty good although it’s just my first year! We have a game next Saturday. I was hoping you would come since you like the sport so much.” Peter mentioned thinking that Tony wouldn’t even come. The idea of Tony never waking up recked his mind. What if Tony never did wake up? If Peter never made him roll his eyes again? Make him smile when Peter achieved something hard? When there was no one to go to.
Tony knew Peter needed someone to go to.
Tony wanted to see that game.
He tried to move, to make a effort for Peter. It hurt, god it hurt. His body became torture to him, the effort became haunting. Tony wasn’t ready to wake up.
Peter saw his eyes open. He leaned over Tony’s body, a little too close to his face. Slowly but those brown dark eyes were there. So was the tears. Tony was breathing hard and the heart monitor beeps hurt his ears. He didn’t know where he was. The lights hurt his eyes so he squeezed them shut. Tony didn’t stop moving, rolling side to side on his back, trying to block out the noises.
“Miss Dr. Clo!!” Peter screamed through the halls. He saw her running with other nurses. Some woman some men. The
Men where muscular and Peter didn’t like that. He felt like they were going to hurt someone. Hold someone down with a smile. Hold tony down with a smile. Peter went back to Stark, who was actually breaking down. Tears where running down his face, ugly tears as he pushed his ears in. Gosh the noise never seemed to stop. Peter tried to calm him down but the nurses pushed him out of the room.
Peter was about to freak out. He paced around the door, the beeps racing with his heart. He saw a woman, blonde short hair wearing a tank top and shorts walking right towards him. Staring into his soul.
“What happened to Stark?” She grilled into him.
“He... he woke up. They pushed me out of the room. I don’t know what’s going to happen!” He said quickly. The women set her hand on his shoulder and rubbed to calm him down. This kid was freaking out she could see and also loved the man with all his heart.
They sat on that floor for hours it seemed. Rhodey came an hour after the incident. They sat, just thinking. Worrying and fidgeting. Peter even broke down due to his love for this man; his make-shift father figure life’s being pulled so quickly scared the fuck out of him. This has happened too many times for him to be ok. Natasha leaned his body into hers and never stopped rubbing his back. She wasn’t doing as bad, and the least she could do was help this child. This small child who cried too many tears that he shouldn’t be burdened with in his years. Rhodey just stared at the ground. That ground seemed like the best topic for all three of them.
An hour passed. A hour full of fast paced beeps.
Dr. Clo walked out the room, disheveled and pressured, as the nurses followed lead.
“Is he ok?” Peter sprang from the floor wiping the tears from his eyes. His eyes were hopeful, promising that Tony would be fine. He had to be fine. Peter didn’t know what he would do if tony wasn’t fine.
If tony was gone.
“He’s out of the coma, and he’s a fighter. He would’ve died if he didn’t stop freaking out. Although we had to give him anesthesia, god forbid if he broke something else, but should be awake in a couple hours. You are welcome to sit and wait it out . . . ” She said with a small smile.
Peter bounced into the room and sat in the closest seat by Tony. He held his hand, it was cold and fragile but he could feel just a little warmth. Warmth was all he ever needed. The others sat and waited and waited and waited. Just staring at the monitors, how many monitors there were. All making the same sound, quite but loud and consuming.
It wasn’t so empty anymore.
Tony woke up and hour later with a groan. With all things, he woke up with a groan.
“Mr. Stark!” Peter yelled and Tony groaned again, “Sorry that was loud. Are you ok? Me and this blonde lady and Rhodey are here! Mr. Stark?” He asked in a whisper.
Tony nodded into the pillow. It was a harsh reality against his face. His throat hurt like hell. Everything hurt like hell. He pulled himself to look around into his kids eyes. God out of all the sights he’s seen, Peter’s face was the best by far.
“Yea kid?” He whispered. Everyone had a smile, for what Tony didn’t know.
It was just him.
He fell asleep in their first conversation. He was tired although he’s always tried. But he felt like something was gone, some part of him was ripped apart and stored away for further use. He didn’t like himself at all, but Tony did want to be in one piece.
The next morning, which was actually just two hours later, the same people were there along with Pepper. She brought in a chair it seemed and looks distraught. Once looking around he just waved, for his throat hurt like a mother fucker, and just pondered. They started to talk and he started to nod sometime along the way, he didn’t know when he started but they looked of as if he was paying attention.
“What’s today?” He asked in a whisper. Everyone turned into a whisper. Looked at the ground, not wanting to be heard and the deliver of bad news.
“It’s Sunday. September the 5” Rhodey coughed up.
“So I missed your game?”
“No Mr. Stark, it’s next Saturday. Wait, did you hear me while you were in your coma! That’s super cool Mr. Stark, I didn’t know you could do that.” Peter gushed.
“Super kid.”
Dr. Clo walked into the room very silently, as if she interrupted this scene someone would disappear. Poof into thin air never to be seen again. Tony would poof into thin air and never be seen again.
“Nice to see your doing well, Mr. Stark. You’ve certainly been through hell and back. Sorry to ruin this happy reunion but I got some bad news to deliver.” She said swiftly, no smile no sense of remorse. This was hard for her and she hated doing this but with her job, not to mention her pay, she wouldn’t leave. She couldn’t leave. She mustn’t leave.
“You were in a coma for three months. Almost to the day I think. You had a lotta things that were broken in that body of yours but were healed nicely. Now as for your leg . . .” Tony zones her out. He looked under those cheap ass cover, thought of buying more comfortable ones, and saw it.
A tree stub of a leg. He didn’t even have a knee. Just pale skin of hurt.
“We had to amputate it.”
He stared at the ceiling. Now he’s not even worth a leg, he could barely move it. He felt like he deserved it. He deserved to have this stump of leg for what he did. Gosh he did everything. He was the most extremely extra fuck up on this planet.
“You can be discharged later today or tomorrow morning if you’ve like. We have a wheelchair but I bet you can make a better prosthetic than we can offer.” Clo explained before leaving the room.
“How you doing? You know, it’s not that hard with a prosthetic, and with these braces you made, I bet that leg will be over the top!” Rhodey said trying the positive path with Tony.
“Im fine.” Was the answer with a smile.
God he hates that smile.
He decided to be discharged in the afternoon. He couldn’t bare to listen to these monitors anymore, they bounced in his brain like it was a mission to make him mad. He was a little to old to turn mad.
He rolled the wheelchair chair out, and Peter pushed. It was as tiresome as it seemed. Once they got out of the medical wing, Tony insisted on doing this himself. He would have to be doing this for a few days at least, might as well get used to it.
The elevator dinged and they were at the main floor. It was the way to the balcony, he hadn’t seen it in months but what seemed like days to him.
The Avengers were in the room, staring at the four but mostly Tony, some with a nasty glare. Cap with a nasty glare.
“Where have you’ve been? You just disappear for three months while we fight the battles! You have an responsibly to this team you know, and this world. You can’t just ditch when things get hard.”
Tony looked straight into Nat’s eyes, having a conversation with the woman in a split second.
She just nodded and rolled her eyes.
“I was in a fucking coma, if you actually cared, but you don’t. You don’t give a shit about me, none of you do. I’m tired of it! You all bullshit and give fake lies and make fun of people. You make fun of me all day long, like it’s a marathon you can’t lose. Well I’m tired of it. And I’m not taking it anymore.” He glared at the Captain, well more just Rogers now; the Captain title being ripped away from him just as his voice and tony delivered it with a calm voice but nastly sneer.
He rolled past the group and onto the balcony.
That actually felt good.
‘Maybe some things will start to feel good?’ He thought.
That seemed like false hope.
____________
Tony had a new robotic leg by Peter’s game. He couldn’t get the hang of it, which caused some frustration and tears. He became softer after this coma, not scared to shed a few tears in Rhodey’s shoulder. He needed a cry. He couldn’t survive any longer without a good cry.
He decided to stay in the wheelchair for now.
The game was loud and the stands were filled with yelling teams. Peter had the ball in his hand and going hard down the court.
They made eye contact. Peter’s smile grew and Tony had a small one.
The big hoodie drowned his tiny figure, the jeans loose and thick against his legs. Well leg and stump now. Sunglasses and hat in tow, he and Rhodey sat and watched the game. The kids barely noticed the two. The game went fast to Tony, but he watched. He watched and payed attention to Peter, the other kids, the ball. This game was intoxicating to him, fast paced enough for his brain and yet so easy to understand. But mostly a game of luck. Maybe you got the ball, maybe you didn’t. Maybe you made the shot, maybe you didn’t. The only way to ensure you made your stand on the court was through the hustle. Will he even hustle again with this stump?
He cheered for the kid. Brought a megaphone and everything to embarrass him. Rhodey got in it too of course, but kept Tony from tiring himself out. Tony had been doing a lot, making up for the missed time, the missed hours in work. Making tech and his new leg. Well another half of his stump, just robotic. But he also had been sleeping a lot, along with the distant looks. Rhodey saw it all and worried. He always saw it. As just as he always worried for tony but this was new. As if someone hit him, even touched him gently, he would crack into a million pieces never to be put back together again.
Midtown won the game. Everyone cheered and jumped and laughed and screamed. It was too much for Tony. The gym become so crowded and loud. But once seeing Peter, his feelings of pain washed away. Peter jogged toward him, eyes sparkling and radiant.
“Mr. Stark! You came. Did you see me, well of course you saw me. Are you feeling ok? Wait, let me get Aunt May, she would love to see you. . .” He talked on.
“You did great kid! Made most of the points out there, I see. You and your lovely aunt are chilling with us this afternoon. Dinner and everything to celebrate.” Tony explained once May was here.
“Peter told me what happened. How are you doing, honey?” She gave him a look of pity.
“I’m doing just fine Mrs. Parker, thanks for asking.”
He hated the pity.
A couple hours later, they were at dinner. This fancy restaurant in queens where it fit his guests type. It was quite and had a balcony for the four to sit at, just to look at the stars and fading purple that lit up the clouds.
They laughed and smiled. Tony actually felt like laughing and smiling. The idea of these people, and some more, actually wanting to be his family made him excited. To have someone take care of him as he did for them. To care for each other and no betrayal. Gosh, he didn’t need anymore betrayal in his life.
But right now his life wasn’t that bad.
____________
“I can’t, I just can’t.”
He felt like crying.
They were all watching him. The people who, he thought, cared about him. It was very few. But he doesn’t know why they didn’t even try with pity. They put their looks away and locked them in a dark closet in the back of theirs minds. They went hard on him, he must know how to walk with those legs. That’s what they thought. Tony thought this was waste of time.
“If I can do it, then you can do.” Rhodey would say.
They were walking all over the compound. One step in front of another. They even tried racing, Peter’s idea of course. Tony would start to get tired and wary of his condition, he was a shell of the old man he used to be. And whining about it really didn’t do any help.
“Yes you can Tony. You’re going to have to do this for the rest of your life, might as well get used to it!” Nat piped. He glared at her but got up again.
That’s what he was good at, getting up again and again and again. While people fell and got lost in the dirt. He wasn’t going to get lost in the dirt. Where people are stepped on and kicked and yelled at.
He started walking towards Peter. Step by tiny step, just as if he was a baby taking his first steps. Well he kinda was. Slow and from almost falling down, he made it to peter. Then he walked back. Back and forth back and forth till he wasn’t falling by the smallest movement. He still had a long way to go. Everything he does, it isn’t the end. He never reaches the end. A never ending circle that has new bumps along the way. Just that this one is a huge bump. His leg hurt, his stump hurt, even his eyes hurt. A never ending path of hurt.
“Peter can you get me some water?” He rested his eyes and laid on the couch, he needed a break with the pain.
“Nope, Mr. Stark. Today’s mission is for you to walk. Meaning that, you gotta do it yourself.” He snickered along with the rest.
And that hurt too.
They made him do everything all day. Barely let him sit for a break. Some of the Avengers came to help as well. Just two, Wanda and Clint. They said their apologies, something Tony didn’t think was half assed, and just started to help. Wanda would stop him from falling on the floor and Clint would race with them. It was kinda fun. It was kinda fun! It made him want to actually walk more. Deal with the pain and laugh.
He actually had a real laugh today.
And that was an accomplishment.
They stopped working on it at dinner. Natasha was cooking and he didn’t like to miss her cooking, no matter even if he has to eat with Rogers. He was thinking of buying a penthouse, in Queens. Right next to Peter’s apartment building, in fact. Or maybe just a block away. Just to get away from these people. Mostly just to get away from these people. No.
It was Peter.
Most people were there for dinner. Expect for Rogers. He got some glares, just one, but everyone was friendly. Actually paying attention to him and what he has to say. And if he didn’t want to say anything, they respected his wishes. It was calming. But he left early. Peter needed to go home and he needed to rest.
It was time to go home.
He walked into the lab at midnight.
This was home.
He tried to make something small but huge. Something to block out the noise, make life a little easier. Make a better leg? He didn’t know. He just wanted to be in there.
He heard beeps and ticks. Not the hospital ones, mind you but actually ones that made him smile. Dumb-E and Butterfingers beeps. Once walking into the lab, he could let believe the mess.
But the robots beats the mess.
And it seemed like someone missed him.
Him of all people.
___________
“I think I’m gonna move to Queens.” He announced to everyone, everyone expect Rogers. He didn’t think he hit Rogers that hard. He knew he didn’t hit Rogers that hard.
A whole lot of “why’s” went around the room. He answered with work related problems and just to be in the city. The city wasn’t that bad. But the noise was a problem. It’s always a problem, even in the quietest room. He didn’t like the noise anymore but he didn’t like the silence either.
“He wants to move because of Peter.” Natasha explained. Everyone laughed by that, and he nodded. It was always Peter with him now. This kid has been going through some things, he could see, and Tony also needed to get out of here. Go and try to live the closest to normal life he could.
“Well imma do it anyway.”
“What about Rogers? And the Avengers call?”
“I don’t know.”
He did it and was moved in by the next week. The penthouse had a balcony. The balcony was a must. With many rooms and wide windows, enough for his make-shift family. If they wanted to be with him. He hoped they wanted to be with him.
Tony had an interview as well. With the most important people in the newspapers. J. Jonah Jameson most importantly. He had his reporters making up theory’s about where and when the famed Tony Stark was. Making all crazy things up.
Once he walked into the room, the room erupted in questions and camera flashes. He shut them down so quick to stop a further headache.
“Mr. Stark! You were gone for almost five months, only picture that resembled you at a high school basketball game and last seen in a battle against Skroll robots. What happened and what have you’ve been doing since then?”
“I guess that’s what you all wanted to know.” He smiled at the crowd as the chuckled.
“I was in a coma if you didn’t know. Avengers and Shield probably didn’t tell you all that. Been healing from my injury’s and all that, nothing fancy. Now that I’m awake and well, I will be in work full force making up for lost time.” He answered with a smile.
They asked many questions, way too many and way too personal. Even asked about his injuries and he had to look at them crazy.
“Who goes around asking about another persons injuries. That stuff might come with baggage you know.”
“Why were you walking so weird when you came in?”
“Because I wanted to. Done with questions.”
He left.
And they took pictures. And came up with even more theories.
But he wouldn’t let them bother him. He had a few more people who cared. A few more people who took the time.
Tony Stark, who breathes and feels pain. Tony Stark, who takes the time to actually feel and learn from it. To doubt and feel stronger. To deal with his insecurities.
And to tony with a lowercase t, that seemed like a great way to live.
And maybe tony with a lowercase t wasn’t that bad in this world of hate.
~
Date: 2/24/19
Words: 5065