I'm sorry

Bucky sits on the ground in front of the couch. He has his left hand buried in Y/N’s hair, stroking a soft motion through it. His right hand has one of Y/N’s clasped in it. She had started to panic and had trouble to calm down. Eventually, Nat had called Bruce, and he came up to give Y/N something to help her which made her tired and sleepy and quickly send her into a dreamless sleep. Bucky hasn’t left her side since she fell asleep. His legs feel numb and his butt hurts, but he endures it to give Y/N at least some comfort. Dinner time is nearing and neither of them had ate something until now. Bucky starts to worry. He knows Y/N skipped some meals the last days and ate only breakfast today. He makes a small note in his mind to get her something light for when she wakes up.

There's still no sign from Stevie. Tony, Nat and the others, that are around, are walking through the compound now and ask if someone saw Steve and knows where to he went. A whimper pulls him back out of his thought. He starts his motions through Y/N hair again, not knowing that he even has stopped. “It’s okay, doll. I’m here.”

“Stevie?” Her voice is a bit hoarse and only slightly above a whisper. “No, doll. Still, no sign.” Y/N sighs and goes limb again. He hasn't notice her getting tense, too. he slightly curses himself, for not being as efficient as he used to be and should be. “We’ll find him. I promise.” He leans in and kisses her forehead, the tense atmosphere between them from before forgotten for a moment. Y/N just nods tiredly. She's pale and if Bucky wouldn’t know it better, he would say she's really sick. “Hey, baby. Come on. Let's eat something.”

“’m not hungry.”

“I know. But we have to, okay? For Stevie.”

“But… he hasn’t eating anything in a day either.” New tears form in her eyes and Bucky panics that she starts to lose it again. “Doll. Don’t do this to yourself.” He helps her sit up. Steve's sheep rolls out of her arms, bounces away from her lap and lands on the ground. She leans forward and picks it up, then she cradles it back in her hand and glides her finger through its fur. “I can't. Bucky. I just can't.”

“What? Hey, baby doll. Look at me.” Bucky places his hands on either side of her face, softly lifting it until he sees her eyes. “I can't lose him. I can't lose you. And… I don’t know if he's even alive. Maybe if he dropped again, then he has a chance but like this? Bucky. He's so small. He's only a child. He’s freezing. I know it and he will get hypothermia and then he will-”

“Don’t, Y/N. Don’t do this thinking.” Tears stream down her cheeks and Bucky feels his gut twist and his heart tightens. He knows exactly what she feels and thinks because the same things are running around in his head since she fell asleep. “Doll…”

“It’s my fault, isn’t it?” She blurts out. Her face shows him that she really believes it. He wants to argue, saying that if he hasn't argued with her before they hadn’t fought and had recognized him sneaking out. But Y/N starts to panic. “Oh my god. It is my fault. I had to look after him, watch him, keep him safe. But I was so angry. It didn’t even occur to me that he could run off.” She chocks on a sob. Her breathing goes faster and a bit ragged, and she starts hyperventilating. “Y/N, you need to calm down.”

“I can't. It's my fault. I- It's my…” Lady comes up to Y/N and snuggles her head in her shoulder, trying to comfort her with a low whine, but Y/N is already too deep in her head space. “I’m sorry. I’m a bad mother. I know.”

“No, baby, no. You’re not. You're doing just fine with us. You're great.”

“No! I already lost you once. And now- now-” She sobs again and starts trembling. Sweat builds on her forehead and Bucky sees the panic attack starting. “I- I should leave.” She stands up on shaky legs, letting the stuffed animal fall to the floor once again. A cold shudder runs over Bucky’s back. He feels cold and lost and fear creeps up in his mind. Fear that Y/N actually will leave him alone. In a quick motion he grabs her wrist. “Don’t, Y/N. Please, don’t. I need you here. Please.” He pleads but Y/N's eyes are distant.

She looks down at him, but she clearly doesn't see him. Her legs give out and her breathing is too fast. She curls together beside him and gasps for air. She mumbles words Bucky can’t understand, but he still tries to calm her. “Y/N. I’m here. You’re good. You’re perfect. We need you.” He pulls her up carefully, knowing that she hasn’t the strength to fight him but it could make her panic worse if he's to direct. “I need you.” He leans his back against the sofa and leans hers against his chest. Lady settles between Y/N legs whining and shuffling helplessly. Bucky feels his own tears burn in his eyes, but he chokes it back, so he can be there for just Y/N and deal with his own panic afterwards.

He knows how Steve was as child in the 40s. He never ran away but he had pulled a lot of shit that had his Ma and him scared all the time.

His hand combs through her hair again, and he murmurs how beautiful, good, talented and brave she is. It takes a while for her but slowly she starts to relax and he lets out a breath of relive. He doesn’t have to call Bruce a second time.

They don’t register Bruce and Wanda coming in. Just as Y/N closes her eyes again and lets out a ragged breath, just then looks Bucky up and sees both of them sitting on the couch opposite them. They look at them with concerned faces but neither of them says anything. Slowly Bruce stands up and crouches in front of Y/N. He takes her hands in his and takes her pulse while he whispers to her. Bucky doesn’t listen, he focuses on his own breathing keeping it flat and steady for Y/N easily to copy, as Bruce measures her pulse and gives her another pill to help her avoid these attacks for a while. After she feels good to stand on her own feet again, she sits in front of the window, staring outside into the darkening sky. Bucky comes over, shoves her away softly. “Bucky.” His name is the only thing she says in a whisper and instead of answering her he grabs one of the big and heavy armchairs and places it on the spot where she had been just a second ago. “Here doll. That will be better, don’t sit on the ground.” She nods at him but says nothing else. Bucky knows she’s thankful, so he kisses her temple, throws a blanket over her lap and walks back to Bruce. “Anything?” The brunette shakes his head, a sad expression on his face. Wanda stands up as well and joins the men. “I tried to find him, reach out for his mind but I couldn’t find him. He’s not in the compound. I never tried it when he’s little. It’s different. I’m sorry, Bucky.” Bucky shakes his head with a deep sigh. He runs his hand down his face, his eyes locking on Y/N. “She worries me as much as he does. Maybe more. I know what Stevie did back in the 40s and he was even worse for wear than he is now. But Y/N…” Wanda turns around to look at Y/N as well. She sits in the chair and stares outside. Her eyes don’t dart around, she just fixes on one point. Bucky thinks she doesn’t even really see anything. “She didn’t really eat anything; she doesn’t want to drink and the second shes out of meds that calm her she panics. She blames herself and that will destroy her…”

“Don’t worry. We’ll find him. Even FRIDAY is trying to detect him.”

“And I’ll try to reach him.” Wanda squeezes his arm lightly and walks off to Y/N. She sits down on the armrest and talks quietly to Y/N. Bucky nods at Bruce and follows Wanda with his eyes as she walks over to the armchair. “Barnes. This is not easy for her. You know she doubts herself now and then. She lost you once and this… This is even worse. Whatever you didn’t talked over, by now you have to. She needs you as much as you need her. Even when no one of you wants to admit it.”

“I know. It’s just… I don’t know this side of her and I’m… I’m not really good in this comforting thing I guess.”

“You’re doing fine. Better than me and Tony in any case.” Bruce claps him on the shoulder with a reassuring smile. “Do you mind if I…?” Bucky motions back to Y/N. “No. No, of course not, go on.” Bruce gives him a small smile before he and Wanda leave again. Wanda pats Y/N on the shoulder and kisses her hair before she stands up. Bucky looks after them for a moment and then he walks over to Y/N. Tears roll down her cheeks but she doesn’t seem to feel them. “Hey.” Bucky takes her hand and intervenes their fingers. She doesn’t answer him but she tightens her fingers a bit around his. Bucky’s metal hand wipes away some tears and he strokes a few strands of hair out of her face. Lady lies on Y/Ns lap, snuggled up to her stomach while Y/N’s other hand cards through her fur. Bucky crouches down next to her for a while and holds onto her hand. He really needs to use the bathroom but a bit of fear creeps up in his gut again when he thinks about leaving her alone, even if it’s just for a few minutes. He squeezes her hand a few times, looks at her face for a few moments and studies her. She’s still staring outside, not fixing her eyes on anything. Lady yawns and looks up briefly to lick a tear from Y/N’s cheek and once over her and Bucky’s hand before she settles down again. “It’s my fault.” Her voice is so silent that Bucky thought he had imagined it, if it weren’t for Lady’s whine. “No, Y/N. It’s mine. Or at least we’re both at fault.” Y/N shakes her head barely noticeable. Bucky sighs. “It’s not your fault. Don’t burden yourself with it. Don’t do this to yourself.” When Bucky looks back at the clock it’s quite late. He presses a kiss to her temple, murmurs he’s right back and runs up to the toilets because he can’t hold it any longer, uses it and walks back to the common room and into the kitchen. He makes quick work of preparing a fast dinner, just a sandwich for her and one for him, and some tea, places everything on a tray and walks back to Y/N. He sets down the tray on the coffee table and walks back up to Y/N again. “Hey, doll. Come on. Let’s eat something.” He crouches down in front of her this time, pushing Lady down from Y/N’s lap and earning a glare from the dog. Lady shuffles back to the couch and lies down but not before she snatches one of the sandwiches from the plate. Bucky sighs defeated but says nothing. “’m not hungry.” Bucky sighs quietly and places his hands on her knees. “Y/N. We need to stay strong for Stevie. We need to eat at least something, okay?”

“He hasn’t eaten either.”

“He hasn’t, but we can’t not eat just because he hasn’t. We have to, so when he’s back we have or full attention and energy to focus on him, okay? Please. I made a sandwich. The ones you like so much.” Finally, Y/N turns her head to him and looks him directly into the eyes for the first time. She lets out her breath trough her nose and nods. He nods back and helps her up. Just as he turns to walk to the couch with her, she stops him. Quickly she slings her arms around his chest and buries her face in it. Bucky is shocked for a moment. He isn’t prepared for her to hang on him so tightly after they just fought so much, but he wraps his arms around her, presses her closer to his chest and kisses her on the hair. “I’m sorry, Bucky.”

“I’m sorry, too. I love you. I don’t want to lose you, either.” He kisses her again to make clear that he means it. He feels her nod against his chest and her grip tightens. “I was scared. I thought we lose you one day if I don’t make clear that your worth saving. But I… I know I got carried away. I was angry, just to be angry and not to help you understand. I don’t even know why I wanted you to suffer so much.”

“I know, Y/N. Believe me, I know. I know I’m reckless sometimes and I know I don’t think good of myself sometimes, but I love you. You both. And I will do absolutely everything to make sure that we stay together for as long as you want me.”

“I want you forever.”

“Then I stay for forever.” He kisses her a third time and again Y/N tightens her grip before she lets it loosen again. She looks up at him and studies his grey-blue eyes. “Please, just be more careful. I can’t lose you or Steve. Never. And I don’t want to fight. It’s no fun.” A smile creeps on Bucky’s face and Y/N lifts the corners of her mouth just the tiniest bit but Bucky sees it. He nods and this time presses a kiss to her lips. He stays there for a moment, deepens the kiss and both pour all their feelings in it for the other to feel. When they part again, they’re both a bit breathless. Bucky guides Y/N over to the couch while Lady chews on his sandwich with a look of satisfaction. The puppy looks up at Y/N as if she wants to make sure that her mommy is well and doesn’t need her comfort. Y/N sits down on the couch and as soon as she sees the food her stomach starts grumbling. Her cheeks go red immediately and Bucky barks out a laugh. “Not hungry, huh? Dig in, doll.” He kisses her on the forehead and slips in beside her after he filled a bowl with dog food and gives it to Lady. Lady just eyes it and as the queen that she is, she hops gracefully down and walks over to it. Bucky rolls his eyes and quickly prepares a second sandwich for himself before he joins Y/N on the couch. They eat in silence and soon Lady joins them again and nuzzles into Y/N’s side, half laying on Bucky’s lap and giving him no room to move. “We should have named her diva.” It’s the first time that Y/N really laughs since Steve is gone. 

* * *

Steve peeks through the slit of the door. Mommy and daddy look at each other and first their voices are silent, but then mommy jumps down from the windows ill and starts screaming. Shocked, he places his hands on his ears and just looks a moment. Lady nudges her head on his side, and he looks to the puppy. Tears gather in his eyes. He wipes them away quickly before he looks around in the playroom. Cloudy sits on his desk, so Steve runs over and hugs the sheep to his chest. “Mommy and daddy are shouting, Cloudy. Am I that bad?” The sheep doesn’t answer but it’s enough for the blonde boy. He nods to the sheep and looks around. He sees the backpack Wanda had given him for his art supplies when he comes to her, so that he doesn’t have to carry all of it in his arms. He grabs it and shoves some pencils and some papers inside. He places cloudy on top of it but struggles with closing it. “Hold on tight, Cloudy.” He whispers to his sheep and places a kiss on the sheep’s head before he carefully pulls it on his back, so that his sheep won’t fall out of the open backpack. He tiptoes back to the door and peeks outside. Y/N shouts at Bucky and both are focused on each other. Steve looks back at Lady who whines beside him. Then he slips out of the room and runs over to the door. He slips on his shoes and grabs his jacket and runs out of the apartment. Lady whines again and tries to pull Steve back, biting in the fabric of his jacket. “No. Lady, stop.” Steve pushes her head away and pushes the button for the elevator. It takes just a second before the door opens. The boy steps in and looks at Lady. The puppy whines and lies down, head on her paws. Steve thinks about motioning for Lady to come in but the dog just whines and looks at him. “FRIDAY?”

“Yes, Captain?”

“I want down.”

“Of course.” The doors slide close and Steve feels the elevator slide down. “May I say that it’s unwise to walk around alone, Captain?”

“You can’t tell mommy or daddy, FRIDAY. Please?”

“How about your uncles and aunts?”

“No! Please, FRIDAY. It’s a secret.”

“Of course, Captain. We reached the entry hall.” As FRIDAY says it, the elevator stops and the doors slide open. Steve peeks out and soon runs over to the doors. He slips out and looks around. Many people are walking around but none of them really seems to look at him. Steve takes a last look back in the hall and the elevator before he runs from bush to bush. He nearly crossed the whole green place as he stumbles and falls directly into a puddle of mud by the big gate. Mommy always tells him that he and Bucky can’t go past this gate because it’s dangerous but right now Steve thinks it’s the only thing that he can do. He can’t stay here if mommy and daddy are sad that they need to have such a bad boy. Tears burn again in his eyes and this time he doesn’t wipe them away. He scrambles back up and slips out of the open gate and on the street in front of the compound. He knows this street. Mommy and daddy or his aunts and uncles go along this street often when they take him out to the park and the playground. But mostly they ride in one of uncle Tony’s cars. He walks along the street for a little while. Now and then he looks back at his home and sees how it gets smaller and smaller with each passing minute. He starts running faster and faster but stops as his breath comes in shorter puffs. His head snaps up to the sound of a car from behind him. He looks back and quickly jumps behind the bushes on the side of the street and runs deep into the forest until he can’t see the street anymore. He stumbles again and tries to hold himself up but falls and lands on his stomach. He stays on the ground for a second, shocked that he actually fell. Tears come down faster now, so he sits up and shrugs the backpack from his back. “C-cloudy.” He searches for his sheep in his backpack but it’s… It’s gone. “Cloudy?” He looks around and searches for the white fur of his stuffed friend but sees nothing than red and brown leaves on the ground. The green of the trees and bushes and here and there a bit of other colors from the wild flowers that slowly start to bloom now. “Cloudy?!” He shouts a bit louder and turns around in every possible direction but finds nothing. “Noo…” He shivers and a thick lump starts forming in his throat. He feels cold, alone and for the first time since he left, he feels helpless and scared, too. “Mommy? Daddy!” He looks around wildly and cries and shouts but the only answer he gets are the sounds from the trees, shrieks from the birds that flee from him and the rustling of the bushes in the cold wind. He grabs his backpack again and starts running in a direction he thinks his home is. He can’t hear cars or see the street or the compound. He runs further and deeper into the forest without noticing. The shivering gets heavier and the tears won’t stop, blurring his sight. A third time he stumbles and falls, but this time he stays there on the ground and rolls into a small ball and cries. He doesn't know for how long. He only knows that his breath it too quick and that he doesn’t get enough air. That he's cold and scared. That he wants his mommy and daddy to pick him up and give him something to eat and cuddle with him. He wants to go home.

* * *

The sky is pitch black now. Y/N is in Bucky’s arms and they lay on the couch, Y/N on top of him and he lets his fingers glide through her hair. Her eyes are puffy again. She had cried a few minutes ago, guilt eating on her. It feels like she got several years older now.

They still have no sign of Steve and Bucky gets restless himself. He should be out there, searching for his son, friend and boyfriend. But he knows how important it is for Y/N to have him near her. “You should try and sleep a bit.” He looks into her face but Y/N shakes her head. “Can’t. Not if we still haven’t found him.”

“Okay. We’ll find him.” He returns to stroking her hair and she sighs. She knows as well, that Bucky wants to get out there and help and silently she wants him to go but to stay alone would make her more anxious. She wants to search for him, too, but if he returns and no one is there… She can’t really make up her mind to how he must feel then. How he feels now. He must be scared. Feeling tired, cold and hungry. She tries not to think about that. Instead, she looks at Lady and pats Bucky’s chest after she shuffles to lay between him and the backrest. “What are you- Umpf.” Lady jumps up and lands on Bucky’s stomach. She taps around before she lies down, huffs out a breath and lets Y/N glide her hand through her fur. Y/N smiles at Bucky’s surprised face and nuzzles into him a bit more.

“GUYS!” Y/N flinches and Bucky looks up with wide eyes. Wanda comes running in, Bruce on her heels. “I think we got him.”

“What?!” Y/N sits up and stares at her with hopeful eyes. “Yeah I think we found him. Well, FRIDAY found him.”

“Really?” Bucky sits up as well, maneuvering Lady on his lap. “I’m 99.75% sure that I found Captain Rogers, Sergeant.” FRIDAY’s voice sounds at them from the ceiling and Bucky closes his eyes for a moment, relief watching over him. “Where is he?”

“I tried to reach out to the point FRIDAY thinks he is and I found a confused and scared aura. He’s somewhere in the forest. The others are already on their ways.” “Is that right, FRIDAY? Is it him?”

“As I said, I’m 99.75% sure that it is Captain Rogers heat signature I’m detecting, Miss Y/N.”

“Thank god.” She grabs Bucky’s metal arm and pierces her fingers in it. He’s glad that she reached for his metal arm, otherwise it would really hurt. “Let’s go.” Y/N stands up and looks at Bucky who looks back at her in confusion. “I know you want to go out and search for him and I can’t sit here any longer, either.”

“Okay.” He stands up as well. They’re already half way to the elevators with Bruce and Wanda as Y/N stops. “I forgot something. Just a minute.” She runs off, back to the common room and returns a few seconds later with Lady on the leash, Steve’s dirty sheep and a thick blanket in her arms. Bucky looks at her, a bit confused but says nothing. He takes the leash from her and together they quickly walk to the elevator and then to the edge of the forest. Y/N and Bucky follow Wanda and Bruce into the forest. The two have flashlights and illuminate the way in front of them. Now and then Wanda stops and reaches out again and directs them in another direction. They’re ten minutes in the forest as it starts raining. Y/N shivers but her thoughts are on Steve only. They’re drenched through in a matter of a few minutes but they walk further. Another twenty minutes and Lady starts to drag on the leash. She barks and waggles her tail and if Y/N had taken the leash she would have fallen over, even if Lady is still a puppy. Far in the distance they see some lights and soon they can make out Clint and Sam. Sam holds a small shivering bundle in his arms. He rubs and rocks it. Y/N looks for just a second then she runs. She doesn’t wait for the others or looks at the ground. She almost trips but she runs further until she’s right in fornt of Sam and Clint. “You have him!” Sam’s head snaps up and he nods, a grim expression on his face. “He’s shivering badly and his lips are blue.”

“Give him to me. I have a blanket.” She spreads the cream-colored fabric and wraps it tightly around Steve before she takes the small boy in her arms. Many, many kisses are scattered around his face and head and she presses him so tight to her body that she thinks if she does it more firmly, she will crush him. But she can’t other. All the anxiety and fear leave her body and only the adrenaline stays. “Stevie. Hey, mommy’s here. You’re safe now. You’re safe.” She kisses him again and then finally the boy opens his eyes. “M-mom-y?” He’s shivering badly just as Sam says and Y/N can feel on her lips that his face is stone cold. She wraps the blanket a bit around his head, just so that his face still pokes out and presses him against her more firmly, if even possible. “Yeah, sweetie, it’s me. And daddy.” Bucky, Wanda and Bruce step up to her, finally managed to get to them. “Steve. Hey.”

“D-da-y.” the boy slurs his words and Y/N worries. Tears drip down her face and as she looks up, she sees that Bucky is the same crying mess as she is. Bruce steps up to them and throws just one look at the boy before he ushers them back in direction of the compound. “Quick. Let’s get him warm. I don’t want him catching pneumonia or something.” Halfway back to the compound they meet up with Nat and Tony and rush further to the facility.  

* * *

Four hours later, at half past twelve, they all sit in Y/N’s bed. Steve sits in the middle, wrapped up in his winter pj’s and a thick blanket. Even after a hot bath with Bucky he’s still shivering, the cold had sunken deep into his bones. Y/N has a tray with a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon and three mugs of hot chocolate on it. She passes a mug to Bucky and shoves the tray on Steve’s legs, clapping out the legs of it, so that Steve doesn’t have to balance it. Then she takes her mug and takes a sip before her fingers glide through Steve’s gold-blonde locks. Lady hops onto the bed and snuggles down at Steve’s feet, looking at him as if he could run off again. Steve shoves the fork with eggs into his mouth and chokes it down. “Slowly, sweetie. You’ll get sick.” She strokes his hair again but doesn’t scolds him when he chokes down the next bite. Bucky watches them for the time Steve eats and takes the tray and the plate away as soon as he finished it. He gives Steve his mug and kisses his forehead. The boy smiles at him and leans against Y/N as he takes a sip.

Four hours before, Bruce had him checked over and wrapped him into a heating blanket. Steve had cried awfully after he slowly got warm again and clung to his parents with his life. The heat that started to come back made his skin prickle and itch and Steve doesn’t liked it one bit. Bruce had confirmed that he, luckily, had just a light case of hypothermia and that, if they keep a close eye on him, he probably will be fine. After many snuggles and kisses they had asked Steve why he had left. The boy started crying again. “Mommy, w-will leave, because I w-was bad. M-mommy and d-daddy f-fight and then I will be ah-alone. I don’t wanna be alone. I left, so mommy and daddy can be happy again.”

“No, Stevie, no. Mommy loves you and daddy, too. We don’t want you to leave. We don’t want that. I love you so much. I won’t leave. Never.” Y/N had kissed him and Bucky had wrapped him in his arms and had carried him up to their apartment.

Y/N smiles down at him and whispers against his ear. His eyes drop close more than once, so Bucky takes the half empty mug back out of his hands and places it on the tray beside the bed. Y/N tucks him into the blanket so that he can fall asleep without sitting in an uncomfortable angle. “I love you.” She kisses him good night and leans over to Bucky to kiss him as well. They both settle down next to him. Even as Steve is fast asleep, they look at him, fingers locked together over Stevie’s tummy. They smile at each other but neither of them falls asleep before the sun comes up. Steve is back home. He’s fine. And they love him. But more important, he loves his mommy and daddy more.