SHUT UP SAMANTHA!
After that disturbing scene, the students resettled themselves.
[In New York, at the enrollment facility.]
4F Doctor: [off-screen] O’Connel, Michael. Kaminsky, Henry.
Steve Rogers: Boy, a lot of guys getting killed over there.
4F Doctor: [off-screen] Rogers, Steven.
[Steve puts down the newspaper he is reading]
“Is that, Captain America?”
“Shit he’s small.”
“He looks like a smol floof.”
“Hearing about it and seeing it are two very different things.”
Enlistment Guy: It kind of makes you think twice about enlisting, huh?
Steve Rogers: Nope.
[as Steve is standing half naked in front of the doctor to examine him for enlistment]
“THAT IS A SMEXY CHEST!”
“SHUT UP SAMANTHA!”
4F Doctor: Rogers. What did your father die of?
Steve Rogers: Mustard gas. He was in the hundred and seventh infantry. I was hoping I could be assigned…
4F Doctor: Your mother?
Steve Rogers: She was a nurse in a TB ward. Got hit, couldn’t shake it.
The was a moment of silence for the dead couple.
[the doctor looks at Steve’s file which shows he has a long list of health issues]
“How did he get into the army?” Michelle didn’t usually comment, but scarlet fever and tuberculosis? Only one of those would raise concern, but both?
How sickly was that kid?
4F Doctor: Sorry, son.
Steve Rogers: Look, just give me a chance.
4F Doctor: You’d be ineligible on your asthma alone.
“Then how the fuck did he get into the army?”
Steve Rogers: Is there anything you can do?
4F Doctor: I’m doing it. I’m saving your life. [He stamps the card 4F.]
“The doctor could’ve been a little bit nicer about it.”
“Does anyone have duct tape for Samantha, please. I’m begging you.”
[later, Steve is at the movie theater]
“Wait, What?”
“Is that how movie theatres used to look?”
“There's no color! In a Movie Theatre!”
[a commercial about the war is playing before the movie]
Commercial Announcer: War continues to ravage Europe. But help is on the way. Every able-bodied young man is lining up to serve his country. Even little Timmy is doing his part collecting scrap metal. Nice work, Timmy!
“Go Timmy!”
“SAMANTHA I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD!”
“Calm down, babe!”
Loud Jerk: Who cares? Play the movie already!
Steve Rogers: [quietly] Hey, you wanna show some respect?
“Ooooooh, smol bean is an-gry!”
“What the Hell Abe?”
Commercial Announcer: Meanwhile, overseas, our brave boys are showing the Axis powers that the price freedom is never too high.
Loud Jerk: Let’s got! Get on with it! Hey, just start the cartoon!
Steve Roger: Hey buddy, you wanna shut up?!
“FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!”
[the guy gets up and looks at him]
Commercial Announcer: Together with Allied forces, we’ll face any threat, no matter the size.
[getting beaten in an alley by the loud jerk that was disturbing everyone at the cinema]
“And my parents wonder why I didn’t want to do boxing.”
“Because of your scrawny ass, Allison?”
Loud Jerk: You just don’t know when to give up, do you?
Steve Rogers: I can do this all day. [and attacks the guy again]
James Barnes: Hey! Pick on someone your own size.
The crowd broke out in noise, as they were staring at a younger version of the Winter Solider.
“Didn’t he try to kill Cap?”
“It’s so weird seeing them as friends.”
“Samantha, they lived together.”
“DOESN’T MAKE IT ANY LESS WEIRD!”
“He’s……….actually kind of hot.”
“I would hit that.”
“Abe, Samantha, stop talking about how you would hit on the hundred year old assassin.”
[after saving Steve from getting any further beatings by the loud jerk]
James Barnes: Sometimes, I think you like getting punched.
“I AGREE!”
Steve Rogers: I had him on the ropes.
[picks up Steve’s enlistment form from the ground]
James Barnes: How many times is this?
[reading from the enlistment form]
James Barnes: Oh, you’re from Paramus now? You know it’s illegal to lie on the enlistment form. And seriously, Jersey?
“And my mom says I need to be more like Captain America.”
“Does she still say it now that he’s a war criminal.”
“Well, no. But it’s the principle!”
Steve Rogers: You get your orders?
James Barnes: The one-o-seventh. Sergeant James Barnes. Shipping out for England first thing tomorrow.
“Wasn’t that the one that was captured.”
“Oh fuck.”
Steve Rogers: I should be going.
James Barnes: Come on, man. My last night! Gotta get you cleaned up.
Steve Rogers: Why? Where are we going?
James Barnes: The future.
[he hands him the newspaper he was holding, Steve opens it to see the ad for World Exposition Of Tomorrow, 1943]
“Wait! Are we going to see Howard Stark!”
“Holy fuck no way!”
James Barnes: I don’t see what the problem is. You’re about to be the last eligible man in New York. You know, there’s three and a half million women here.
“Only three?”
“The forties were a weird time.”
Steve Rogers: Well, I’d settle for just one.
James Barnes: Good thing I took care of that.
“Ooooh, the Winter Soldier's a playa!”
“Flash, never say that again>”
[He waves to the dates, Connie and Bonnie, he’s lined up]
Connie: Hey, Bucky!
Steve Rogers: What did you tell her about me?
James Barnes: Only the good stuff.
“But I wanna know the bad stuff!”
[music starts playing]
Expo Announcer: Welcome to the Modern Marvels Paviliion and the World of Tomorrow. A greater world. A better world.
Connie: Oh, my God! It’s starting!
Mandy: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Howard Stark!
[Howard enters the stage and kisses the announcer]
Random Woman: I love you, Howard!
“I DON’T LOVE YOU HOWARD BUT YOUR KID IS A MIGHTY FINE PIECE OF HUMAN!”
“Samantha, Tony Stark is like forty.”
“So? Zac Efron's thirty-two!”
“Like father like son.”
Howard Stark: [addressing the audience at the World Exposition fair] Ladies and gentlemen, what if I told you that in just a few short years, your automobile won’t even have to touch the ground at all.
[the female helpers take the wheels of the car on stage]
Howard Stark: Yes. Thanks, Mandy.
“I bet Mandy’s gettin some!”
“SHUT UP SAMANTHA!”
[addressing the audience again] With Stark robotic reversion technology, you’ll be able to do just that.
[he turns on the switch of his machine and the car starts to hover off the ground]
“Wait, why don’t we have flying cars then!?”
James Barnes: Holy cow.
[the robots making the car hover suddenly malfunction and the car falls back on stage]
“That would be why.”
Howard Stark: I did say a few years, didn’t I?
[everyone laughs]
“Cough cough, snake charmer, cough cough.”
“Cindy, do you even know what that means?”
“So what if I don’t?”
[Steve disappears, and Bucky notices]
James Barnes: Hey, Steve, what do you say we treat these girls…
[at a recruitment center]
Woman: [to her male company, pulling him away from a mirror making him look like a soldier] Come on, soldier.
[Steve steps in front of the mirror but he’s too short to fill out the face]
“Poor boi.”
“You do realize that he’s like seventy years older than us, right?”
“Yes.”
James Barnes: Come on. You’re kind of missing the point of a double date. We’re taking the girls dancing.
Steve Rogers: You go ahead. I’ll catch up with you.
James Barnes: You’re really gonna do this again?
Steve Rogers: Well, it’s a fair. I’m gonna try my luck.
James Barnes: As who? Steve from Ohio? They’ll catch you. Or worse, they’ll actually take you.
“That’s an oof.”
Steve Rogers: Look, I know you don’t think I can do this.
James Barnes: This isn’t a back alley, Steve. It’s war!
Steve Rogers: I know it’s a war. You don’t have to tell me.
James Barnes: Why are you so keen to fight? There are so many important jobs.
“Uhh actually there were. The other jobs are just as, if not more important than shooting people.”
Steve Rogers: What am I gonna do? Collect scrap metal…
James Barnes: Yes!
Steve Rogers: …in my little red wagon.
James Barnes: Why not?
Steve Rogers: I’m not gonna sit in a factory, Bucky.
James Barnes: I don’t…
Steve Rogers: Bucky, come on! There are men laying down their lives. I got no right to do any less than them. That’s what you don’t understand. This isn’t about me.
“You don’t need to lay down you life to be a hero, or to help.”
James Barnes: Right. Cause you got nothing to prove.
Connie: Hey, Sarge! Are we going dancing?
James Barnes: [he turns to the girls] Yes, we are. [back to Steve] Don’t do anything stupid until I get back.
“Ladies man in the HOUSE!”
“Samantha, I’m gonna break up with you someday.’
“But not today!”
“Not today.”
Steve Rogers: How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you.
“THAT WAS A THIRD GRADE BURN!”
“OHHHHHHH!”
“I’m surrounded by children.”
James Barnes: You’re a punk.
[he walks back towards Steve and hugs him goodbye]
Steve Rogers: Jerk. Be careful.
[as James is walking away]
Steve Rogers: Don’t win the war till I get there!
“Or, you know, do.”
James Barnes: [He salutes then starts to walk away] Come on girls. They’re playing our song.
“You think he’s gonna gets some?”
“No.”
“Wait, why not?”
“Too much sexual tension between him and Steve.”
[Steve is in a medical examination room when a nurse whispers something inaudible to Young Doctor]
Young Doctor: Wait here.
Steve Rogers: Is there a problem?
“Flash, If he gets caught, you owe me twenty.”
“You’re on, Liz.”
Young Doctor: Just wait here. [walks out]
[Steve looks at a sign warning against lying on your enlistment form and starts to get ready to leave]
“And this is why you don’t break the law!”
[An Enlistment Office MP walks in the room and Steve looks up at him worriedly]
[Dr. Abraham Erskine enters the room as Enlistment Office MP quietly leaves]
Dr. Abraham Erskine: [to the MP] Thank you. [to Steve] So, you want to go overseas. Kill some Nazis.
Steve Rogers: Excuse me?
“A little forward, don’t you think?”
Dr. Abraham Erskine: Dr. Abraham Erskine. [walks over and introduces himself to Steve] I represent the Strategic Scientific Reserve.
Steve Rogers: Steve Rogers.
“My little biological heart is tingling. I might faint. Seriously, someone catch me.”
No one did. We just let Samantha fall.
[Dr. Erskine starts looking through Steve’s file]
Steve Rogers: Where are you from?
Dr. Abraham Erskine: Queens. 73rd Street and Utopia Parkway. Before that, Germany. This troubles you?
“RACISM!”
Steve Rogers: [shakes his head] No.
“Wait, no, Take it back. Steve is still a smol bean.”
Dr. Abraham Erskine: [flipping through Steve’s file] Where are you from, Mr. Rogers? Mmm? Is it New Haven? Or Paramus? Five exams in five different cities.
“Fork it up Flash.”
Steve Rogers: That might not be the right file.
“When in doubt, deny.”
Dr. Abraham Erskine: No, it’s not the exams I’m interested in. It’s the five tries. But you didn’t answer my question. Do you want to kill Nazis?
Steve Rogers: Is this a test?
Dr. Abraham Erskine: Yes.
“Well that’s also forward. By him a drink first.”
“Ashlynn, you are so fucking weird.”
Steve Rogers: I don’t wanna kill anyone. I don’t like bullies. I don’t care where they’re from.
“Suprise suprise! Face of America is a noble lil shit!”
“Chaotic Good.”
Dr. Abraham Erskine: Well, there are already so many big men fighting this war. Maybe what we need now is the little guy, huh? I can offer you a chance.
“Was that a pun?” I feel like that was a pun.”
[They exit the room]
Dr. Abraham Erskine: Only a chance.
Steve Rogers: I’ll take it.
“Wait, he didn’t even know what he was agreeing to?”
Dr. Abraham Erskine: Good. So where is the little guy from, actually?
Steve Rogers: Brooklyn.
“Ahhh, fuck Brooklyn.”
“I’m from Brooklyn!”
“Ahh, fuck Brooklyn.”
Dr. Abraham Erskine: [Dr. Erskine stamps Steve’s form and hands him back his file] Congratulations, soldier.
[Steve opens up the file and sees that he’s been stamped as accepted]
“Kids, that is why you fight for what you believe in!”
“Shut up Samantha!”
[In a HYDRA lab in a very mountainous region]
Johann Schmidt: Are you ready, Dr. Zola?
Dr. Arnim Zola: My machine requires the most delicate calibration. Forgive me if I seem overcautious.
“He looks like the short guy from Frankenstein.”
“Babe, you are totally right!”
Ashlynn and Samantha did lovey dovey eyes while their classmates looked on in slight terror.
Johann Schmidt: And are you certain that those conductors of yours can withstand the energy surge long enough for a transference?
Dr. Arnim Zola: With this artifact, I am certain of nothing. I fear it may not work at all.
[Schmidt inserts the Tesseract carefully into the machine. Zola starts it up.]
Dr. Arnim Zola: Twenty percent. Forty. Sixty. Stabilising at 70%.
Johann Schmidt: [takes over the controls] I have not come all this way for safety, Doctor.
“Hey, can I use that next time in Chem lab when I’m about to blow something up.”
Ashlynn, in a near perfect imitation of Dr Drogus, the Chemistry teacher said, “BROWN, PUT THAT DOWN!”
“I have not come all this way for safety, Doctor.”
[He turns the controls up to maximum and blue light flitters through the room.]
“What do you think the tesseract is made of?”
“Uhh, the souls of children?”
Dr. Arnim Zola: What is that?
[after successfully collecting the power from the glowing Tesseract using Zola’s machine]
Johann Schmidt: I must congratulate you, Arnim. Your designs do not disappoint. Though they may require some slight reinforcement.
Dr. Arnim Zola: The exchange is stable. Amazing! The energy we have just collected could power my design, all my designs. This will change the war.
“TOO BAD YOU STILL LOST!”
Johann Schmidt: Dr. Zola, this will change the world.