Monday, 9:45 p.m.
Itsy Bitsy: stark, whats your child doing raiding the fridge? doesnt he need to get home so he can go to school tomorrow?
Iron Dad: peteys staying with me for a few weeks. his aunt had to go on a trip to take care of a sick relative and he cant miss that much school, so he'll be living at the tower till she gets back.
Mini Me: oooh can i come visit???
Iron Dad: cool with me, but you have to ask your brother, munchkin.
Spider Son: yesyesyesyesyesYES imagine what all we can get up to!!!!
Iron Dad: uhhhh on second thought.
Spider Son: no take backs!!!
Sugarplum: tones, what have you done.
Mini Me: tchalla said yes!!!!! im flying in tomorrow!!!!
Captain Spangles: Is the Tower really safe for two children to be running around?
Iron Dad: pretty sure its not their safety we need to be worried about. ive seen peters file on pranks he wants to pull. put him and mini me together and im pretty sure theyre the only ones coming out of this untouched.
Spider Son: hey, you said you wouldnt snoop through my files!!!
Iron Dad: friday warns me about anything on her servers that might be a danger to my health
Spider Son: ...yeah alright that makes sense.
Hammer Time: I LOOK FORWARD TO MEETING THE ONE WHO STOLE THE CHILD OF SPIDER'S HEART.
Spider Son: what????????
Mini Me: excuse me
Hammer Time: WAS YOUR UNION INTENDED TO BE A SECRET? I THOUGHT YOUR COURTSHIP HAD BEEN FAIRLY OBVIOUS.
Spider Son: no!!!! shuri and i are just friends, thor!!!!!!
Mini Me: oh my god the fertility god just talked about peter and me being in a 'union'
Iron Dad: this is literally the best thing thats ever happened to me. i had friday save a picture of peteys face for posterity if anyone wants a copy.
Spider Son: DAD!!!
Katniss: email me one, stark.
Itsy Bitsy: yes please tony.
Sugarplum: i needed a new phone wallpaper.
Captain Spangles: Wait, when did Shuri and Peter start dating? And why didn't they tell us?
Spider Son: we're not dating!!!!!!
Mini Me: i take it back, i hate this group text
Katniss: shit, so you two really arent dating yet? ugh, i owe sam, scott, bruce, rhodes, and bucky ten dollars.
Spider Son: you guys bet on us dating????
Iron Dad: jesus, hawkeye, you really missed the mark if you owe all of them money. also why wasnt i included in this betting pool?
Katniss: it would be cheating, you know him too well. plus you couldve hurried them along so that youd win.
Iron Dad: ...okay thats fair.
Green Bean: I told you the day you picked was too early, Clint!
Cooler Bird Name: hahahah suck it.
Spider Son: i think im just going to go dissolve into a puddle of embarrassment.
Mini Me: i'll join you
Angry Snowflake: does that count as them getting together?
Tuesday, 6:32 p.m.
Katniss: oi lover boy, the quinjet carrying your lovely other half just touched down if you want to go greet your beloved on the roof
Spider Son: i hate all of you.
Bag of Cats: Lie.
Spider Son: what did i do to deserve this.
Mini Me: i may have made a mistake coming here.
Iron Dad: kids, come to the lab when youre ready so we can play.
Mini Me: yessss!!! i take it back, im very happy to be here.
Sugarplum: oh god, anyone wanna take a bet on how long before they blow something up?
Cooler Bird Name: i give it 30 minutes.
Katniss: 25 minutes.
Cooler Bird Name: rude.
Itsy Bitsy: one hour
Proof that Size Matters: 45 minutes.
Green Bean: Seriously? I give it 10 minutes, and that's being generous.
Iron Dad: rude, the whole lot of you.
Tuesday, 6:42 p.m.
Captain Spangles: What was that?
Iron Dad: bruce winning the bet.
Wednesday, 1:08 a.m.
Katniss: i swear to god tony if you dont get those kids to settle down im breaking out the glitter arrows.
Iron Dad: what? what are they doing?
Katniss: seriously, stark? you cant hear that?
Iron Dad: im in the lab, musics blasting. i sent them to bed like three hours ago.
Spider Son: sorry clint! we'll be quieter!
Iron Dad: um no. you will be in bed is where you will be. shuri, you too.
Spider Son: but daaaaad
Iron Dad: you have school tomorrow, kid. bed, or im locking you out of the lab for a week. shuri, same goes for you
Spider Son: sheesh okay okay we're going! no need to bring out the big guns!
Mini Me: we apologize mr stark, we'll go to bed now!! please dont take the lab from us!!
Iron Dad: bed. now.
Harry Potter: You know, it surprises me a little how much Stark makes an excellent father.
Iron Dad: shut it, gandalf.
Thursday, 10:17 a.m.
Sugarplum: yo, residents of the tower, the air force called me in for some business so im leaving the task of dragging tony out of the lab and making sure he goes to peters parent-teacher conference at 2 pm up to you lot.
Grandson: What is a parent-teacher conference?
Sugarplum: viz! buddy! long time no hear. its just a thing where the parent has to go to their kids school and talk to the teacher about how their kid is doing. since may cant be there, tony has to go in her place to talk to peters teachers.
Grandson: Ah, I see. I will endeavor to fetch Mr. Stark for the conference.
Scarlet O'Hara: Vision! When did you get back?
Grandson: I returned late last night. I am preparing a late breakfast in the communal kitchen if you wish to join me.
Cooler Bird Name: wait can we go back to the news that starks going to a parent-teacher conference?
Proof that Size Matters: please, someone get footage of the teachers faces when he walks into their classrooms.
Katniss: if he does not arrive in the iron man armor i will never forgive him.
Sugarplum: dont give him ideas!!
Iron Dad: bird brain!! youre brilliant!! im definitely doing that now, thats perfect
Mini Me: can i come????
Iron Dad: i'll patch you into the suit's camera so you can see everyones faces.
Sugarplum: look what you did, barton.
Katniss: i have no regrets.
Thursday, 4:45 p.m.
Spider Son: clint what the hell why would you tell him to show up in the armor????
Katniss: did he do it?????? oh my god, please tell me he did it.
Iron Dad: he definitely did it :)
Mini Me: their faces were GOLD
Katniss: yes!!! i demand to see the footage.
Iron Dad: bring popcorn to the communal living room, i thought we could make a movie night out of it.
Spider Son: oh my GOD i hate all of you.
Bag of Cats: Still a lie.
Sugarplum: i know im going to regret asking this, but how did it go?
Iron Dad: it went great! i showed up like the badass i am, everyone was suitably impressed, etc etc. his teachers love him, obviously, and made sure to talk about how amazing he is and how they arent surprised he got the best internship ever and stuff. the principal came down to shake my hand and tell me peters one of the brightest students theyve ever seen, which, duh. ooh and i got to glare at flash on the way out. THAT was my favorite part.
Mini Me: he looked like he was going to wet himself!!!!! it was amazing!!!!
Sugarplum: please tell me you werent wearing the suit during your talks with his teachers.
Iron Dad: of course not!!! im not unreasonable.
Sugarplum: ...im not touching that statement, nope.
Angry Snowflake: please tell me you WERE wearing the suit when you were glaring at flash.
Iron Dad: you bet your perfect ass i was.
Katniss: gross. no. keep it out of the chat you two.
Mini Me: he was totally wearing the suit!! i wish id been there, i wouldve liked to say a few choice words to that jerk.
Proof that Size Matters: i reiterate: scary overprotective fucks.
Mini Me changed the group Avengers Assemble to Scary Overprotective Fucks.
Iron Dad: haha hell yeah, shuri
Spider Son: youre all terrible, you really are.
Iron Dad: you love us <3
Captain Spangles changed the group Scary Overprotective Fucks to Scary Overprotective Fricks.
Iron Dad: seriously cap?
Cooler Bird Name: im pretty sure that doesnt even make grammatical sense
Angry Snowflake: oh my god stevie.
Saturday, 5:55 p.m.
Itsy Bitsy: i sincerely regret the choices i made in life that make this a sincere question that i have to ask: did someone make the microwave sentient?
Iron Dad: ...oops?
Captain Spangles: Sentient? Like FRIDAY?
Itsy Bitsy: yes, steve. follow up question for stark: why?
Spider Son: we thought it would be fun!!
Iron Dad: welllllll shuri, petey, and i may have been up a little late last night since its the weekend? and that may have happened at the point when we were all a little delirious?
Mini Me: plus now it'll be easier to get your food the right temperature!! just put it in, ask mikey to get it nice and hot for you, and mikey will take care of it!!
Itsy Bitsy: ...mikey?
Spider Son: well we couldnt just keep calling him microwave! hes a person now!
Itsy Bitsy: i. i honestly dont know what to say. the red room did not cover this.
Cooler Bird Name: dude, the microwave just told me to piss off. not cool.
Captain Spangles: Wait, you made a TALKING sentient microwave?
Cooler Bird Name: no it just spelled it out to me on its little timer readout thingy.
Angry Snowflake: i leave you kids alone for ten minutes to take a nap, i swear to god.
Iron Dad: hey! not a child!
Angry Snowflake: you apparently have the mindset of one.
Iron Dad: ouch. does that make you a mind pedophile?
Harry Potter: Seriously, is there any way to get out of this group chat?
Cooler Bird Name: stark can you please convince the microwave to heat up my hot pockets?
Iron Dad: did you try asking nicely
Spider Son: his name is mikey!!!
Sunday, 11:15 a.m.
Iron Dad: has anyone seen two very not-innocent children running around?
Katniss: you lost the kids stark?
Iron Dad: i had stuff to do!!! plus theyve been disappearing together a lot anyway and no ones died yet.
Cooler Bird Name: oooh have they now?
Sugarplum: wait who would win the pool if they started dating right now?
Katniss: that would be barnes.
Angry Snowflake: thats whats up bitches.
Sugarplum: hey now you dont know for sure if youve won yet!
Green Bean: Don't count your chickens before they've hatched, Winter.
Spider Son: seriously????? guys shuri and i are not dating!!!!
Iron Dad: where are you two?
Angry Snowflake: dammit.
Cooler Bird Name: lol.
Mini Me: we're at the pool testing the freeze ray
Iron Dad: without me???? rude
Captain Spangles: Freeze ray?
Green Bean: You're testing a freeze ray on a pool? Is that safe?
Mini Me: eh probably
Mini Me: maybe dont come outside for a bit though. we're not sure how the pipes will handle it.
Green Bean: Do you have a way to reverse it?
Iron Dad: of course, jolly green! what do you take me for!
Green Bean: A slightly irresponsible mad scientist.
Angry Snowflake: slightly?
Green Bean: ...I was trying to be diplomatic.
Iron Dad: just for that neither of you get to play with our freeze ray.
Sunday, 2:42 p.m.
Green Bean: Tony, I thought you said you had a way to reverse the freeze ray.
Iron Dad: i do!
Green Bean: Then why am I looking at a very frozen-over pool right now?
Iron Dad: bc shuri peter and i had to run to the store for something!
Green Bean: What did you have to run to the store for?
Green Bean: Tony. What did you have to run to the store for?
Iron Dad: ...ice skates
Iron Dad: brucie bear?
Green Bean: I'm debating whether or not to argue with you. On the one hand, it would be irresponsible not to point out what a terrible idea this is and that someone could get hurt. On the other hand, I'm entirely positive you already know that which would make my saying it an exercise in futility.
Iron Dad: great, so youre cool with it!
Green Bean: That is not at all what I said.
Spider Son: itll be fun bruce, you should come!!
Hello Kitty: Stark, do not allow harm to come to my sister or you will be dealing with the wrath of Wakanda.
Iron Dad: oooh im shaking in my boots
Angry Snowflake: two words, doll: dora milaje
Iron Dad: shit yeah okay we'll be really really REALLY careful, your pantherness. please dont sic the scary badass lady warriors on me
Cooler Bird Name: dude have some dignity, you're iron man.
Iron Dad: have you seen the dora milaje? i do have some sense of self preservation.
Angry Snowflake: not enough. but we're working on that.
Monday, 7:44 p.m.
Proof that Size Matters: anybody else feel like the tower is weirdly quiet?
Sugarplum: well, tony got caught up in an SI meeting, so that could be part of it.
Iron Dad: im in a board meeting and the kids went to the movies together.
Iron Dad: mean, sour patch! how dare you insinuate im the cause of noisiness in the tower!
Proof that Size Matters: didnt you just basically do the same thing?
Iron Dad: well yeah but you guys arent supposed to say that! have some manners!
Angry Snowflake: sweetheart, i think youd have to be pretending to be delusional to act like youre not a major source of noise in the tower.
Iron Dad: to quote peter and his eternal memes - im feeling so attacked right now!
Sugarplum: wait can we go back to the fact that shuri and peter are at a movie together? anyone else think that sounds suspiciously date-like?
Captain Spangles: People can go to movies together as friends, Colonel.
Angry Snowflake: sure, but those two have been spending a lot of time "just the two of them" lately
Captain Spangles: Well, they're the only children in the Tower. It makes sense for them to be spending time together.
Proof that Size Matters: dude, theyre in a tower full of superheroes, you really think most kids wouldnt be spending a ton of time with us? we're awesome! something has to be up for them to ditch us.
Captain Spangles: Peter spends a lot of time around us and is a superhero in his own right, and Shuri lives with the Black Panther. They're not "most kids."
Proof that Size Matters: awww cap its like you dont want them to get together.
Hammer Time: YES, CAPTAIN, WHY WOULD YOU NOT BE PLEASED IF THE CHILD OF SPIDER AND GIRL OF PANTHER JOINED?
Captain Spangles: It's not that I wouldn't be happy for them, I just think you guys are making too many leaps here!
Angry Snowflake: tony, youre being strangely quiet about this
Iron Dad: i know nothing about any feelings or lack thereof.
Katniss: you know something!!!! ohmygod you know something, you have to tell us!!!! theres money riding on this!!!!
Cooler Bird Name: dude you gotta tell us! are they together?
Iron Dad: ok i will say that i dont think theyre together...
Angry Snowflake: im sensing a 'yet' being left unsaid there.
Iron Dad: i can neither confirm nor deny, manchurian candidate.
Proof that Size Matters: yessssssss!! they just have to hold out a few more days and then all of you losers money is mine!
Hammer Time: THIS IS BLESSED NEWS, MAN OF IRON. YOUR SON IS TAKING STEPS TO BECOME A MAN.
Iron Dad: oh my god zeus please never say anything about petey becoming a man to me again.
Hello Kitty: I would very much like to second that, especially in regards to my sister.
Captain Spangles: What was that crashing sound?
Itsy Bitsy: clint just threw his phone across the room and said he was scarred for life and never talking to any of you ever again.
Iron Dad: drama queen.
Katniss: look whos talking!
Iron Dad: ayyyyy guess whos talking to us again!
Katniss: i hate all of you.
Katniss: loki dont
Bag of Cats: Lie.
Katniss: goddammit.
Monday, 9:17 p.m.
Spider Son: you guys are all the worst and im never speaking to any of you ever again.
Hammer Time: CHILD OF SPIDER! HOW WAS YOUR DATE?
Spider Son: it was not a date!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mini Me: i am so done with you all.
Spider Son: also??? mr stark???? traitor????
Iron Dad: in my defense, i was punished for my candor most soundly by point break like ten seconds later.
Mini Me: how is that a defense?
Hammer Time: I AM SORRY FOR CAUSING YOU DISCOMFORT, SHIELD-BROTHERS AND SISTERS.
Harry Potter: Seriously. Is there any way out of this group chat?
Mini Me: im considering looking into it.
Wednesday, 4:43 p.m.
Green Bean: Why is the Quinjet on the roof?
Iron Dad: shuris heading out today, shes got stuff to do in wakanda
Green Bean: Oh, so soon?
Katniss: wait do we know if the brats ever got together????
Captain Spangles: No, we don't know, and we're not going to pester them about it.
Katniss: ugh. fine.
Iron Dad: OH MY GOD. GUYS. WE TOTALLY KNOW.
Spider Son: dad no!!!!!!!!
Iron Dad: WE TOTALLY KNOW AND DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY????
Spider Son: dad come on!!!!!
Iron Dad: BECAUSE THEY DID THE MOST CLICHE TEENAGER IN A ROMCOM THING EVER AND I CAUGHT THEM MAKING OUT IN THE STORAGE CLOSET IN THE LAB
Katniss: HOLY SHIT!!!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!!
Angry Snowflake: thank GOD, the longing looks were getting so old.
Green Bean: Congrats, guys!
Hammer Time: YES CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR UNION, CHILD OF SPIDER AND GIRL OF PANTHER. MAY IT BE A LONG AND HAPPY ONE.
Sugarplum: finally!!!!! congrats kiddos!!!
Cooler Bird Name: thats awesome!!! good job guys!!!
Captain Spangles: Congrats, Peter and Shuri!
Grandson: Congratulations, children.
Bag of Cats: Finally.
Itsy Bitsy: i always said love is for children. youre children. have fun kids.
Spider Son: ....thanks.....i think....
Mini Me: yeah, what he said^
Iron Dad: awwwwwww isnt that cute, theyre already starting to imitate each other!!!
Spider Son: oh my god.
Proof that Size Matters: wait so who won the bet?
Katniss: uhh hold on lemme check what dates everyone had.
Katniss: ...that would be bruce.
Green Bean: I take cash or personal checks.