The first thing Natasha did when they returned from Wakanda was take a quinjet to his farm. She had tried calling him but all communication systems were down. She needed to know that he was safe, or alive or-
She didn’t like to think about that other option…
Nonetheless, she needed answers, and she was aware she very well might not get the answer she wanted. Her stomach turned when she dwelled on that thought for too long.
She was planning on going alone. She just felt it would be better that way. Whoever was left of the team had their own things to worry about. So much had happened, everyone had to process it differently and in their own ways. This was her mission and hers alone. She and Clint had so much more history than the others, she felt this was her responsibility. He would feel the same. And if she didn’t find him...it hurt her to think about it but she knew the rest of the team didn’t need to deal with yet another loss up close. Her stomach turned again, could she deal with it?
She really didn’t like to think about that.
“I have something I need to do.” She told the remaining Avengers, who were in the process of figuring out what the hell to do next.
Thor looked at her quizzically. “What is it?”
“I need to find Clint.” She said it confidently, because she was certain in her need of finding her best friend. However, her expression faltered from stoic to anxious just enough for her to catch herself and put her emotions in check. Steve noticed her fear.
The thing about being on the run with someone for two years is that you grow to pick up on the other person’s quirks and emotions. Steve had learned Natasha’s. Years ago he didn’t really know how to read her. She could become any person she needed to be in any situation. For Steve, she was a friend, and he had become that for her too. He may not be able to read her completely, she was still the Black Widow of course, but he was becoming more familiar. Right now, he knew she was afraid. He knew how much Clint meant to her. While they were on the run, Natasha would send Clint coded signals and messages that he knew only Clint would ever understand. “Old school spy stuff” Tony had described it once. Steve never asked what they talked about, he only knew Natasha was a little bit happier anytime she heard from him. He also knew that if anything were to happen to Clint she would go AWOL. If she were alone, and found that he had suffered the same fate that Bucky and Sam and so many others had, there’s no telling what she would do or where she would go. They really couldn’t risk losing Natasha, and there’s no way she should ever be alone if things were to go worst case scenario.
“I’m going with you.” Steve stated, and he could tell she was going to protest. “Look, Natasha, you shouldn’t go alone.”
“I can handle myself just fine.” She said with a tiny smirk, trying her best to act as if this were any other ordinary trip.
“I know you can, trust me I do. It’s just…” how could he put this delicately? “If things were to for whatever reason go south, you should have another person with you for backup, at least on the way there.” He added that last bit to show some optimism, and although he may not have been entirely convinced of it himself, Natasha appreciated the gesture.
She seemed a bit apprehensive, but deep down a part of her knew it would be a good idea for him to come along. “Fine, grab a jacket, I don’t want to waste anymore time.”
“Let’s go get him then.” and with that, he was following her out the door, hoping against hope this would be a quick and easy trip.
But things could never be that simple, could they?
**********
In the jet it doesn’t take very long to get to Clint’s farm but it feels like forever. The anticipation of arriving, not knowing at all what she was about to walk into. If this were a perfect world, which recent events had all signs pointing to it absolutely the hell isn’t, they would arrive and she would find Clint and his family going about their normal lives. If she were being honest with herself, she would find the same horrors that they witnessed on Wakanda. There was absolutely no way of knowing which outcome she could look forward to. When they finally did land, Natasha hesitated at the ship’s entrance.
“I could go in if you’re not feeling up to this.” Steve offered.
Natasha shook her head and composed herself. “No, thank you but no. I need to do this part alone.” And with that she was making her way across the grassy field.
Right away everything felt so wrong. So very very wrong and she started losing any small sense of optimism she might’ve had left in her. There was an eerie stillness in the air, the kind that would be described in a horror novel she would occasionally read, except this time is was all very real and she couldn’t skip past the bad parts if she wanted to. She stopped, trying to listen closely for a sound, any sound at all. Any normal day she would’ve heard the boys running around and playing, but she didn’t. She should’ve heard Laura humming to herself as she fixed dinner through the kitchen’s open window, but she didn’t. She should’ve heard Clint’s proud exclamations as he taught his daughter how to shoot bow and arrow in the backyard...but she didn’t.
It was here where she started to realize her biggest fear was going to become reality.
Somehow, she had gotten herself to move her legs again and found she was standing at the front door. Her fingers touched the handle but again, she hesitated.
Come on, Nat. She said to herself, though her inner voice sounded a lot like Clint. You’ve gotta know the answer at some point just rip the bandaid off.
In one quick motion, she had swung open the door, letting it swing and hit the wall on the other side of it. She stood in the doorway, overwhelmed by the deafening silence that came from the big house. “Clint??” She called out to nothing at all, hoping against all hope that she would hear her name in response from somewhere in the distance. Instead, she heard the wind blow through the house as if it was mocking her.
She willed herself to start walking through the house, the floorboards creaking ominously with every step. “Clint??!” She tried again, this time the desperation in her voice was more apparent. She went upstairs, checked every room for sign of life but was finding nothing in return. She continued to call out his name, even Laura’s name and the kids but not one of them gave an answer. It wasn’t until she finally made her way to the kitchen that her world officially came crashing down on her.
“No no no no…”
The table was about halfway set, as if they were all about to sit down for a family dinner. On the floor were shards of broken glass where a plate had been dropped and dust scattered around next to it. Natasha’s jaw dropped in shock as she circled the table and saw that there were even more dust piles, just like in Wakanda. “Oh no please!” Tears started streaming down her face as she looked at what she feared most. They were gone, all of them gone. She couldn’t do anything but stare in shock at this aftermath. It was all starting to slowly sink in that she had lost the last bit of her that made her feel whole.
Her partner, her best friend, her entire world had nothing left to him but dust in the wind.
She gripped her hands down on the chair in front of her for some sort of stability and in doing so realized that one of Clint’s flannels had been draped across the back of it. She took it and held it so gently, and then clenched it so tightly as it was the only real thing she had left of him to hold on to. With that she screamed out in pure agony and collapsed to the ground, burying her face in his flannel.
She screamed and she cried, she could barely breathe. She was folding in on herself, rocking back and forth, yelling out the most painful cries she’s ever allowed herself to yell.
Steve must’ve heard her from the jet because after a solid minute of her screaming he came rushing into the house calling her name.
When he reached the kitchen his heart sank. He saw the dust, he knew the worst had happened. Just as worse he saw Natasha, hunched over herself on the floor, screaming over and over again. He went over to her and crouched down slowly next to her, gently placing his arm around her back. She wasn’t aware of his presence until she felt him and screamed even more.
“He’s gone Steve h-h-he’s...he’s g-gone!!” She was hyperventilating now. “Wha-what am I supposed to do??? I couldn’t save him he-I couldn’t help him and now he’s just nothing!!!”
She continued to cry and Steve just held her, letting a tear or two fall of his own. “I’m so sorry Nat, I’m so sorry.” It’s all he could say. There was no “it’s going to be okay” because he knew it wasn’t. He didn’t even know how they could fix what Thanos had done. All he knew was that his friend had just lost the one person that knew her inside and out. Her best friend, and if he was being honest they were more than that as far as he was concerned, and he was gone, just like the others had gone. Clint Barton was gone.
Steve quickly realized that if he didn’t get Natasha out of there that she might as well be gone too.
“Nat...I’m sorry but it’s time to go.” He attempted to help her off the ground but she refused.
“NO! I can’t- I can’t leave him!!!” she was losing herself and Steve, no matter how hard it would be, had to remove her from the scene.
“He’s gone Natasha, I’m sorry but he’s not here anymore it’s time to go home.”
“I don’t have a home anymore!!” Natasha screamed, and if there was any intact piece of Steve’s heart left, it just shattered into a million pieces.
He knew she was broken, so so far gone that he was going to really have to take some action. Steve wiped his eyes, took a big breath and picked her up. Despite his strength she was willing to put up a good fight. She screamed and protested. She clung to the flannel and clawed at the walls as he dragged her out of the house. Steve had fought in World War II, he had watched his best friend die twice, lost half of his team, but dragging a distraught and screaming Natasha Romanoff out of the house after finding out Clint Barton was dead? This was nearing the top of the list of hardest things he’s ever had to do.
After one final attempt at holding onto the doorframe of the entrance of the house and steve having to practically pry her hand free, he got her out of the house and she had finally stopped fighting. He picked her up completely now and carried her back to the jet, she cried into his shoulder the entire time and he couldn’t stop whispering “I’m sorry” to her over and over again. On the jet, he placed her down on one of the benches where she curled herself around the flannel and cried, silently this time. Steve punched a few buttons so that the ramp closed up and he walked over to her and crouched down so that he was eye level with her.
He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, opened his mouth to say-well he didn’t know what to say honestly. He just needed her to know he was here for her. She looked up at him, her eyes so sad, yet so empty looking, as if she had screamed any emotion she had left out of her. “Why is this happening?” Her voice was hoarse from the screaming and so very tiny.
Steve looked at her sadly and said honestly, “I don’t know. But I know we’re going to fix this. We are.” How? He still had no idea, but he was going to give everything in his power to find answers. If he wasn’t motivated enough by his own losses to find solutions, this pushed him even further. He was sick of losing people. Sick of seeing his friends so broken. They would fix this, and he wouldn’t rest until they found a solution.
The ride back to the compound was silent. Steve gave her some space because she seemed totally checked out any way. When they arrived, she stood up without word and headed back inside, he followed close behind. She went straight into her room, slamming the door closed behind her. Steve winced and held his head in his hand. Having heard the slamming of the door, Thor, Bruce and Rhodey all came to see what had caused the noise.
“Where’s Natasha?” Bruce asked, looking like he could guess how the trip had gone.
“She’s in her room.” answered Steve solemnly.
Hesitantly, Rhodey asked, “And Barton?”
Steve just shook his head sadly. The others stayed silent, adding yet another name to the long list of friends that they’ve lost. As if there needed to be any more indication as to how Natasha was dealing with it, they heard a long, muffled cry coming from her bedroom that made Bruce jump and Thor started heading towards her door to help in some way. Steve just stepped in front of him and put his hand on his shoulder. “I think she just needs to be alone right now.” Thor, not taking his eyes off of her door nods in understanding. Rhodey grabs some whiskey and they all take a shot in Clint’s honor.
Rhodey goes back to trying to track down Tony, Bruce busies himself in the lab working on nothing in particular. Thor drinks and says an Asgardian prayer.
Steve stays outside of Natasha’s door all night, formulating plans for how they might be able to fix all of this.
She doesn’t come out of her room for two days.