You hated Steve for making you do this. It was 6.30 in the bloody morning and you were waiting in the gym for your workout session. As you waited you looked yourself over in one of the mirrored walls and hated that Tony just had to have those up. “It’s easier to see yourself making mistakes when you workout,” he had argued. You rolled your eyes thinking how the only thing you would be taking notice of is your fat rolls. Being so engrossed in your self-criticising head, you didn’t notice the goddess-like red head enter the gym.
“Hey there, sexy lady,” she teased whilst approaching you, “guess who’s stepping in for Steve today?”
Although her smile was beaming, yours was barely visible as you tried so hard not to grimace at the fact that it’d be Natasha kicking your ass today. She did that every damn day by just being her perfect-looking self. She wasted no more time on small talk - heck she didn’t even wait for your reply - and had you quickly working.
After just the warm up you were sweating like hell, and once you looked over at Nat, you wanted the ground to swallow you up and spit you out right into a blackhole. Her face wasn’t even flushed, whilst you looked like a tomato. Not even a sign of a single drop of sweat on her perfect body. But the warm up wasn’t all that you had planned for the session and as time went on, you felt more and more insecure. Your thoughts automatically comparing you to the woman that was working with you.
You brain was screaming things like: ‘how are her thighs so firm, mine jiggle even when i’m standing still!’. To put it simply, you had somehow fallen into the trap that many girls do, your own mind holding you prisoner. The thoughts creeping out even on the brightest of days to ruin your mood and give you a serious case of anxiety.
As you were nearing the end of the session, Bucky wandered into the gym with Steve ready to workout. You tried to ignore their presence and focus on your cool down before you could hit the showers. You really tried. But all your brain let you do, was think about how you must look next to Natasha. You knew Bucky had seen you looking much worse but somehow, lately, the intrusive thoughts were stronger and more frequent. It might have totally been something to do with the fact, that you, so stupidly, had started to fall head over heels for your best friend. The one and only, Bucky Barnes.
Who could blame you though? He was pretty spectacular. Look-wise, he looked like some ancient greek god. And once, you get to know the man, gosh that’s the ultimate trap. He has a heart of gold and is the biggest dork under the sun. It was inevitable you thought to yourself.
“Alright, I think the two of you can finish up now,” Steve interrupted and afterall, he was the Cap so you weren’t going to argue. Nat patted you on the back letting you silently know that she was proud of your effort throughout your session - only thing was, you didn’t feel the same way. Not even close. You were disappointed if anything, that even though you were putting so much effort into working out hard - harder than most - and clean eating, you still were, blatantly put, fat.
As you were basically storming your way towards the showers, Bucky caught your elbow and totally scared the shit out of you. “Jesus, old man! You trying to give me a heart attack?”
“Don’t be so dramatic. If you hadn’t been so stuck in that pretty head of yours you’d have seen me coming. But anyways…I was, uh, thinking that if you had some time today we could go to Coney Island and get some food. And go on some of the rides,” he was blabbering - which was totally surprising and different from his usual chilled and self-confident way of speaking.
“Oh, yeah sure. As long as you and Steve don’t get too scared going on all the rides because they don’t look safe. How is it even, that someone who recklessly jumps out of an airplane without a parachute is terrified of a rollercoaster?”
“Oh, I thought we could go, you know just the two of us. Uh, Steve is busy today but if you don’t fancy it I totally understand and we can go another time,” he was acting so awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck and, was he blushing? Why on earth would Bucky be blushing?
“Of course,” you replied giving him a small smile trying to calm his obvious anxiety.
“Great,” he beamed, “I’ll come get you once I’m all finished up here with this punk.”
You gave him a smile and headed for the showers.
Stepping under the burning water was beyond a relief to your sore muscles. Every part of you ached. You looked down and rolled your eyes at the rolls of fat around your middle. It was coming up to summer and everyone would be chilling round the pool, how were you supposed to be a part of that? You’d rather die than be seen in a bikini by any of your teammates. You tried to steer your thoughts away from such hurtful topics and get out of the shower asap to prevent even more of a spiral.
As you were putting the finishing touches to your makeup, Bucky knocked on your door and slipped into the room. He never waited for you to let him know if you were decent and even with past close calls, he learnt nothing. He silently walked in and sat on your bed, and observed you as you were applying your lipstick. You noticed him looking trance-like as you were putting the lipstick down.
“Hey, you ready?” you asked turning around in your vanity chair to face him.
“Yep, I’m all ready to roll.”
With that you grabbed a lightweight jacket and headed out the door, Bucky following in your trail. As you walked to the elevator to take you down to the garage, you noticed Bucky hanging back. ‘Maybe he doesn’t want to go anymore, he probably realised it will literally be just the two of us. No Steve. And that looks like we’re on a …omg, it looks like we’re on a date.’ you cringed at the thoughts. It wasnt that you wouldn’t love to go on a date with Bucky, but it was more the fact that you thought that he’d probably be embarrassed. You were nothing like the girls he usually talked to on nights out and you didn’t want for him to feel uncomfortable, and so before you could stop yourself you blurted out, “Maybe we should just just go some time else? We could wait for Steve to have some three time and go all together like always.”
Bucky was taken aback, he didn’t know what to tell you, he didn’t just want to tell you that he specifically asked Steve to not come with you guys even if you asked him to because he wanted to spend time with just you. Like on a date, but he didn’t have the courage to ask you. “Come on doll, we’ll have fun and plus you’re all ready. It would be a shame for that beautiful makeup and outfit to go to waste,” he tried to joke.
“Only if you’re sure you wanna go.”
“Of course, I am. I asked you to go, didn’t I?”
And so you spoke no more of it, the conversation drifting swiftly onto different things, just like it always did between the two of you.
Once you guys got to Coney Island, you raced each other to your favourite ride. A ferris wheel. You hardly ever went on it as it was hard to fit three people on one bench, especially when two of them are super soldiers and your fat ass wasn’t helping the situation. So today, it was the perfect occasion to go on it. As you got settled on the bench and took off, you tried to shuffle away from Bucky and make yourself as small as you can. However, Bucky was making this more difficult by trying to pull you closer into him. You loved to cuddle with him, but today you were having a really bad day and just couldn’t stop the thoughts running through your head. On the other hand, you didn’t want to alert Bucky so you relented and let him cuddle you. It helped to lift your mood but the thoughts didn’t disappear entirely.
Once, you went round and got off, Bucky took your hand and lead you through the crowds of people. You guys went on a few more rides before heading to eat something. “This place has the best pizza, god how I’ve missed it,” Bucky dramatised as he opened the door for you to walk into a quaint little restaurant that you guys always went to. You just laughed at his antics, enjoying the time you get to spend with him.
As you sat down, one of the girls that works there came over with the menus, she was new and you’ve never met her before. You instinctively started to compare yourself to her and saw how she was so beautiful and you felt inferior to her already.
“Hi, here’s your guys’ menus, can I take a drinks order or do you guys need a minute?”
“Hey, we’re actually ready to order. I’ll have your famous meat feast pizza and a strawberry shake. Doll, you having the usual?” Bucky looked over at you, giving you the warmest and softest smile. You felt your heart flutter but tried to ignore it and not get too excited. You mind liked to fantasise about Bucky reciprocating your feelings.
“Yeah, I’ll go with the usual,” but before you could tell the waitress Bucky was already telling her your order. You didn’t know what was going on but your heart felt like it was being clenched. The feelings you had for Bucky, they were bigger than you and with every little gesture he made, you felt yourself falling deeper and deeper into this hole you’ve dug yourself. Afterall, one of the most important rules of friendship is to not fall in love with your best friend; you know, so that you don’t ruin the whole friendship and all that jazz. Especially when it’s pretty obvious that your best friend is way outta your league.
As the waitress left, and the two of you were left waiting for your meal to arrive, you joked about with Bucky, catching him up on the latest memes and relishing in the down time between missions. You hated missions, but it was your job, you fought to save as many people as you could. Steve knew this from the moment he recruited you and only ever asked you to go on the ones where the team could really use your abilities. You were a sort of metahuman as a result of a nuclear power plant explosion. You had the ability to control electricity and form power at will, you could blast light rays and even control fire. These all came as really helpful skills when the team was being attacked, it served as a way to distract. You hated it. In the past, these powers, they had caused you great pain and caused nothing but suffering, you had no way of controlling them and so avoid any human contact with the constant worry of hurting an innocent person.
Just then Bucky received a text from Steve letting him know that there was a mission briefing and both of you would be needed within the hour. Luckily the waitress brought your order and so you were able to quickly much it down before rushing back to the tower. You knew whatever this was, it was serious if Steve wanted you to go. You only went when it was absolutely necessary. This couldn’t be good.
A few hours later you found yourself waiting for the quinjet to arrive at the Hydra base which you’d be infiltrating. You were worrying your lip and anxiety was seeping off you in waves. Bucky sat next to you and tried to help you calm down and surpass the overwhelming emotions you were feeling. You just couldn’t wait for it to be over.
And as you arrived, your mind slipped into a mechanical, autopilot-like form and you worked alongside the team not fully conscious of what was going on. You didn’t register the screaming or the fact that a bullet had torn through the skin and muscle of your torso. You didn’t register the red liquid oozing out of you all too quickly. You concentrated all your focus on not losing control and before you knew it, the world was spinning and you felt falling. A welcoming blackness encased you.
You woke up to soft light and warm, fluffy surroundings. You felt a distant aching and groaned. You felt fingers squeezing your own and as you opened your eyes, you were faced with beautiful blue eyes already looking at you. It was Bucky, he was sat by your bedside and it looked like he had been sat there for quite a while.
“What happened?” was all that you could get out.
“We took a few hits, but everyone is stable and we managed to take out every single one of those fucking bastards. You and Nat took the hardest hits,” he spoke in a defeated tone.
“Why aren’t you with her?”
“What do you mean why aren’t I with her? I’m here with you.”
“You should be with her, holding her hand, not mine. You should be looking after her.”
“Why on earth would I be doing that when I’m exactly where I want to be. Where I need to be.”
“Because you and her, you guys deserve each other. You should be with her. I don’t compare and I just don’t understand why you would be wasting your time on me,” you spoke, totally unaware that you’re spilling all your darkest insecurities to the man you love. It was have been the meds, making you drowsy and blabbering everything.
“Doll, what are you talking about? Me and Nat? There’s nothing going on between me and Nat. I-I love you. I wouldn’t be anywhere else but by your side.”
“How can you love me when I don’t compare to her? She’s so beautiful, and her body is perfect, and she has a great personality and she’s so skilled and-,” but you couldn’t finish.
“Stop it. Stop saying all those things. They’re not true. None of it is. You’re perfect just the way you are. To me, you’re the most beautiful dame I ever laid eyes on. Why didn’t you tell me you felt this way?” sadness was evident in his eyes at the fact that he hadn’t a clue that you felt and thought all these terrible things about yourself.
“I love you, too. But I don’t deserve your love. You’re out of my league on every scale. I love you but you can’t honestly love me.”
Bucky was crying, he couldn’t believe it. That the girl that has shown him nothing but kindness and looked after him in his darkest moments, didn’t feel like she deserved his love, “if anyone doesn’t deserve someone’s love, then it’s me. I don’t deserve your love. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. Not even Steve compares.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s true. I love Stevie, I really do, but you are the one person who has captured my heart entirely and it’s never letting go. Doll, I will show you just how much I love you, and how beautiful you are. But you have to let me. Please, let me show you how much I love and adore you.”
You nod your head weakly, tears streaming down your face. But the cascade soon ends when Bucky wipes them away delicately with his thumbs. He kisses your forehead and rests his own against it. The warmth you feel inside your chest is new. You welcome it and can’t get enough. But there’s still some doubt in the back of your mind.
Bucky pulls away just as the doctor comes in to check up on you. You smile at her and allow her to check your vitals and answer all her questions about any pain. Soon after adjusting the machines around you slightly she leaves. You feel sleep creeping up on you, but you don’t want to let this moment go. Too afraid you’ll wake up and realise it was all a dream and your mind had been playing tricks on you.
“Rest, sweetheart. You need to rebuild your energy and let your body heal,” Bucky says whilst adjusting your blankets and cushion.
“Will you stay here?”
“I’m not going anywhere,” he dropped a kiss onto your forehead before climbing into the hospital bed with you, careful as not to hurt you. As he lay with you, holding you close, you felt at peace for once. You’ve never felt what it’s like to have someone tell you they love you, or hold you close as Bucky was doing so. It felt foreign but it felt good.
As weeks had gone past and you had healed your bullet wound, Bucky had not stopped dotting on you. Bringing you breakfast to share in bed, buying you beautiful bouquets of flowers. He took you out on dates and the two of you had grown nothing but even more in love with one another. You still had days when your mind was telling you to watch your weight or where you would stare at Natasha and wonder how you could be as pretty as her; but you now had Bucky to help you through those days. He constantly reassured you and showed you in every way he could how beautiful he thought you were. The team adored you as a couple, you two were the dorkiest pair under the sun and it made everyone so happy to see you guys. And although Bucky was your first ever boyfriend, he was the only one you ever wanted to have. You saw your whole future with him, a family, a dog and a home.
As you sat on a couch in the lounge area, reflecting on all that’s gone on, you didn’t notice Bucky and Steve waltz into the room. You did however, notice the strong arms encasing you and the lips that were dropping a kiss on top of your head. You couldn’t help how much your face beamed with joy and happiness.
“I love you, babydoll.”
“I love you, dork.”