Bucky thought that seeing Steve slowly fall in love with someone that wasn't him was hard. But realizing that his best friend, the man he loved, decided to stay in time and live his life with someone else, hard was not the word he would use to describe that feeling. Heart-wrenching and devastating were better words to use.
Of course deep down he knew Steve would do that. Bucky didn't know how, but he just knew. Steve has the biggest heart in the entire universe and when he loves someone, he clings to that person forever. Oh, how he wished he was the one Steve's heart clung to. Why didn't Steve cling to him?
A part of him thinks that it was selfish of Steve to leave all his friends and his family behind to go live with Peggy. But he understands because he would have done the same for Steve. Bucky knows that he should be happy for Steve that he finally got the chance to live the life he deserved because if someone deserved to live a good life it was Steve. But he can't bring himself to be happy for him because he wanted to be in his life, to see him grow old and now he'll never get that.
What happened to “til the end of the line” huh, Steve?
After everything they had been through Bucky really thought their story could have a happy ending. Together. Wishful thinking only ever leads you to a broken heart. Bucky is starting to learn that after all these years.
Now here Bucky was, a few hours after Steve came back as his older self, sitting on one side of a bed in Steve's room while Steve was soundly sleeping on the other side of the bed. Steve fell asleep while telling him about Peggy and his life and Bucky was trying his best to keep it together and not breakdown crying in front of Steve. Bucky took a shaky breath and started talking in the quiet room.
“I'm only saying this now because you're asleep and I know you're not hearing me. God Steve I- I've kept this bottled up inside me forever and I just- I can't do this anymore.” He looks at Steve making sure he's still asleep before continuing.
“I've loved you my whole life Stevie. I've loved you for so long that I don't remember what it feels like not to love you. Since we were just dumb punks in Brooklyn, since before I even knew what love was. It was you, it was always you.” Bucky choked on a sob and wiped off his tears.
“I remembered you before I even remembered myself.“ He said, almost in a whisper. Bucky closed his eyes and let the tears fall freely.
“Buck,” Bucky swallowed and hesitantly looked over at Steve.
Steve had tears in his eyes and he was looking at Bucky with so much pity and Bucky had to look away. Steve's wrinkled hand took his.
“How much did you hear?” Bucky asked but Steve didn't answer and he just kept looking at him with that same expression. Steve heard everything.
“I'm so sorry,” Steve with so much emotion and Bucky fucking lost it. He started crying more then he had in years. He put his head in his hands and cried until his body was shaking with sobs. He wanted to scream or punch something. Of course the time he finally confessed his feeling to Steve, unintentionally but still, it would be too late for something to happen. He never had any hope of Steve loving him back but seeing the goddamn pity in his eyes was so much worse. His head was still in his hands when he heard it. It was barely a whisper.
“I love you too.”
Bucky shook his head. He didn't believe Steve, why would he? He left him.
“It's true Buck, I do love you.”
Then why did you leave me? Why didn't you stay with me? Bucky wanted to scream at him.
“What about Peggy?” He didn't know what else to say.
“I loved her too. I love both of you.”
“You still chose her.”
Maybe in another life they could have had eachother. Maybe if he had told him he loved him earlier he could have had a life with Steve. It's the only thing he had ever wanted. How he wished he could go back in time and just tell him. How ironic is that?Going back in time is what ruined everything for him.