Anne was sitting at her desk in her study. After revealing to her wife, Ann what had happened at Lawton Hall Ann had sent her out of their bedroom. She didn’t want to see her and in that moment Anne felt shame like she never had done before in her life. She decided her study was the best place to sit and wonder what she was going to do next.
Her study was so close to their bedroom ,so she found it impossible to avoid hearing her wife sobbing. It broke her heart to know that she was the reason Ann was so hurt.
She couldn’t imagine life without Ann Walker. Yet, it seemed that was going to be her future. She wondered how she would cope and what would become of Ann once she moved back into Crow Nest. She was certain that Thomas Ainsworth or some other scoundrel would be thrust onto ‘her’ Ann. Only she felt that Ann wasn’t hers anymore.
She didn’t want to cry because she was the one at fault her. She was the one who fooled around and it seemed had destroyed what they had.
She did want to weigh up her chances that she could change Ann’s mind. She had no idea how she was going to do that. No idea what she would say to her wife if she was given a chance to express her regret for what she did. Yet, in that moment she knew that she wouldn’t be able to do that because Ann would push her aside just as she had pushed Ann aside when she betrayed their vows and had gone to Lawton Hall not with the intention of fooling around with Mariana but to finally tell Mariana it was all over. Only she did fool around with Mariana and now she had to face the consequences. Didn’t she?
She never saw it coming. She never thought that she would buckle under and give Mariana what she had been begging for all the time Anne had been there. She wondered if she should have stayed at Shibden with Ann. She certainly wouldn’t be in the pickle she was in right now. ‘Ann?’ She whispered into the empty room. ‘Ann?’ If only Ann could hear her. Listen to her and understand what she was saying. If only, that was possible.
Anne rested her head into her hands and sobbed. Anne cried for what seemed like hours. Then there was a knock at the door. She wondered if it was Ann coming to her to offering her forgiveness.
She certainly didn’t want Ann to see her with tears roll down her face and blood shot eyes. She timidly said, ‘Come in.’ the door opened. Only it wasn’t Ann opening it. It was her aunt whom she admired most. The one person who knew how to comfort her. The one person who seemed to have a solution to any problem which bothered Anne and this was bothering her no end.
Her aunt walked over to her and wrapped her arms around her niece. ‘I have been listening to the stereo sobbing for the last hour. What happened between you and Ann? I asked her. All she said was she doesn’t want to see you ever again.’ Anne sobbed louder. Her heart was broken now. Only Ann could put it back together. Only Ann knew which threat and needle to use to make her complete again. ‘So, if she won’t tell me. Why don’t you, Anne? And don’t leave anything out.’
Anne took a few deep breaths and wiped her eyes. She rested her head on her aunt’s shoulder for a moment. She knew that this might be the last time they would have such intimacy and even though she owned Shibden she knew her aunt have every right to kick her out. Then where would she go. She didn’t know.
She lifted her head. She was determined to tell her aunt. She knew that she had to release this burden to someone and Aunt Anne seemed to the right one. Anne explained what happened when she went to Lawton Hall to visit Mariana. She told her aunt that she had betrayed her wife by fooling around with Mariana. ‘I didn’t intend for that to happen. Aunt.’ She said knowing full well what her aunt had said before she left. ‘Don’t make a fool of Miss Walker.’ She had done that hadn’t she. She had been silly enough to think that if Mariana lusted after her while she was there she would be able to brush her off. Only that didn’t happen. Did it? No!
Her aunt was disappointed in her. She could see from the look on her face. She could feel it by the way her aunt moved away from where she was seated. She knew she would have to move out. Yet, she was surprised at her aunt’s calmness. There was anger there but Aunt Anne was doing her best to hide it. ‘You need to fix this, Anne Lister. You need to find a way to make amends with Ann. Tell her how much you regret what you did. How much you need her as much as she needs you because the alternative will kill her. I saw it in her eyes when I was talking to her just now.’
‘I don’t know what to do. As you have said she doesn’t want to see me ever again. Does she?’ Her aunt frowned. ‘For someone who is so bright you are so dense at times. Think about it. I am going back to sit with Ann.’
Anne watched her aunt leave her study. She listened at the door to their bedroom opened and close. She heard her aunt talk softly and gently to her wife. She felt that her aunt was doing what she should be doing. Only that wouldn’t happen. Not in this lifetime unless there was a way she could show her wife how much she loved her. She wasn’t that dense. Was she?
Then the solution was there. It had always been there. Only she had never thought that she could speak to her wife this way. After all they were living in the same house. They had been for the last four months give or take a day or three.
Anne felt reinvigorated. She knew this was her only chance to make amends for what had happened. She could still hear her Ann and her aunt chatting. They seemed to be taking about something good. Ann was laughing. She was certain her aunt had told her a joke or a family story. That was the way Aunt Anne was able to bring Anne out of the doldrums. It seemed to be working.
She reached into her desk and pulled out a crisp fresh sheet of paper. She noticed that her ink well needed refilling. So, she did that. Then she sat back at her desk and began writing what she knew would be the most important letter she had ever written to the most important person in her life. And the words flowed.
Dearest Adney,
I have betrayed you abominably. I have destroyed you, heart and soul. I don’t deserve your forgiveness right now. I don’t know if you will ever find it in yourself to forgive me. Yet, in this moment as I sit here at my desk writing to you I want you to know that you still are the most important person in my life.
Yes, I know it seems counterproductive to say. I know what I did was stupid, foolish, a mad flight of fantasy that will haunt me until the day I die. I don’t ask for sympathy. I don’t ask for anything. I want the ground to open up and swallow me whole. Then you would never have to see me again.
Only I see life as a gift we have been given to cherish. I don’t cherish my life right now. I feel so down. Only I know I shouldn’t because I was the one who played around with her. I won’t mention her name because we have already had the talk. Haven’t we?
I could see in your eyes in that moment that you despised me. I don’t blame you. I would despise me too. I feel so horrid, so dirty. And yet, it happened. Now. I foolishly have to see the future alone. I know you will be experiencing the same thing. I feel bad that I have put you in this position. I am so sorry that I didn’t this. I know the tribe won’t make life easy for you. Fool that I am I want you to see that I am remorseful. I intend to do everything in my power to show you how much you mean to me.
Yes, I can hear you already. Good luck with that one. I know I have buckley’s and no chance of making you feel as though you can trust me again. Please. I beg you. I will get down on my knees again if I have to. Ann Walker, I love you. I have never loved another the way I love you. Not even Mariana because she was never comfortable around me. When we were out in public she would walk ahead of me. She would constantly berate me for what I wore and how I walked and talked. You have never done that. Thank you for that.
All I can say is that I am so sorry for what I did to you and even if you leave me I know that will never make up for what I did to you. Yet, there is part of me that hopes we can be friends when you are finally able to forgive. If, that never happens, Adney, I will always treasure these two years we had together with fondness.
I love you, dearest Adney
Faithfully yours,
Anne Lister
Anne re read what she wrote. Then she folded the letter and put her seal on it. She addressed it to Ann Walker, Shibden Hall. Then she summoned George Booth to take it to the post office and post it. He was surprised when she handed the letter to him. ‘I could just handed to her now, Ma’am.’
‘No, George. Please post it for me.’ She handed him a shilling. ‘Pay for the postage and keep the change.’ He smiled. ‘Can you do it now?’ George nodded and he was gone.
She wondered how long it would be before the letter was returned by post. She was sitting in her study trying to read Frankenstein by Mary Shelley when there was a knock at the door. ‘Come in.’ She said.
It was her Aunt Anne. ‘Ann is reading the letter you wrote. She couldn’t understand why you didn’t just place it in her hand.’ Anne frowned. ‘She said she didn’t want to see me ever again. So, I thought that she wouldn’t take a letter from me. That’s why I had it posted to her.’ Her aunt smiled. They sat to together in silence. They didn’t need words to fill the moments they spent together.
Anne waited with her aunt while Ann read the letter. Her reply no matter what it was would change her life completely. She was hoping that Ann would find it in her heart to forgive her. Yet, there was a part of Anne that didn’t think that was possible. She had committed that most horrid sin. She had betrayed the vows they had taken less that a year ago. She could feel the pain Ann must have felt when she told Ann what she had done.
She had had to be honest with her wife.The lie was eating her alive from the inside. Now, it was the waiting to get an answer that could destroying her. She knew she deserved this punishment. She had done the deed and she knew she had hurt her wife. She knew from the pain she saw in her eyes that she might as well have thrust a knife into her heart.
‘I am going back to see if Ann is okay.’ Her aunt said. Her aunt stood up and walked out of the room. She closed the door. Anne only half heard the words her aunt said to her. In her mind she was standing behind her wife while she read the letter. She felt that there would be no emotion, no sympathy from her. She sobbed loudly because she knew she deserved what she felt Ann would say in her reply. If, Ann felt it was her duty to reply.
Anne slept uncomfortable in her study. As Ann had said she didn’t want to see her ever again.
It was the following morning while they were eating breakfast that a letter from Ann was delivered. Anne paid the postage. Ann wasn’t present at breakfast. She had Cordingley take some up to their bedroom. She really didn’t want to see Anne ever again.
The air was tense in the dining room while they ate. Anne was hungry. Only she was too nervous to eat and too nervous to read the letter. She feared that Ann had written words she didn’t want to read. Her aunt looked at her. ‘Open it and read it.’ Marian smirked. ‘Have you really fucked it up this time, Anne?’ Anne was about to scream at her sister when her aunt looked at her and mouthed. ‘Don’t’
Her father just sat there watching his daughter’s life fall apart before his eyes. He could see she was hurting. ‘Read it, Anne before you fall apart more than you have.’
Anne did what her father suggested. ‘No matter what it says you will always have your family here to support you. Poor Ann, she has no one.’ He often threw the truth in her face. This was one time she wished he hadn’t said anything.
She read the letter.
Dearest Anne,
Firstly, I want you to know that it was I who allowed you to go to Lawton Hall. So, I am as much to blame for what happened as you are. Although, to be honest., I thought you were strong than that. I didn’t think you would bow down to her wishes. Only you did. Didn’t you? Yet, I should have known that would have happened.
I always felt there was more between you and Mrs Lawton than what you had told me. Yes, I had heard all the rumours but I didn’t want to believe them. Only now I find I do. That makes me sad. I wish I could be innocent again. I never will be. I am disappointed in myself that I never found the courage to ask you if they were true or not.
Only I honestly think you would have denied them for whatever reason I don’t really now. Yet, now I am at this impasse. I feel I can’t move forward without you only I don’t know if I can move forward with you because I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust you again as fully as I did before you told me what happened at Lawton Hall. Anne Lister, I need time to think about my next move. I am sure you will understand that this is a big step for me to take considering what you have told me that happened at Lawton Hall.
I have loved you for as long as I can remember and no matter what happens I will continue to love you, Dearest. Just give me time. I will remain here at Shibden because if I go back to Crow Nest the vultures will be circling for my blood. I know you don’t want me to their victim ever again.
Thank you for taking the time to write to me as you did. I think we have began a conversation and no matter how it ends I still think you are the handsomest woman I know.
Yours in this life
Adney.
Anne began sobbing loudly while she read the letter her wife had sent to her. She could see from the letter than her wife was in conflict. Her heart and her mind were at war with each other and she needed time to decide what was the best course of action. Anne looked at her aunt. Then passed her the letter to read. Aunt Anne read it carefully. ‘She acknowledges that you have hurt her only she still loves you, Anne. I think you need to reply now.’
Anne nodded then strolled with some confidence back up to her study. She walked passed their bedroom. The door was closed so she dare not knock on it. She knew Ann didn’t want to see her. ‘If you are writing a reply. Please slide it under the door. Then we can save on postage and time, Dearest.’ Ann said loud enough for only Anne to hear.
There was the name Ann called her when she was happy. So, she knew she had a chance to turn this around. Could she do that? She didn’t know. Only she would give it her best shot.
Anne walked into her study and closed the door. She sat at her desk. She had lots to think about. She did her best to calm her mind. She didn’t know if it was possible to do that. Ann was the love of her love. Yet, she had been so blind not to see that. She had walked into the lion’s den and the lion had eaten her alive. Now, she might as well be dead because all the good in her life was almost gone.
Dearest Adney,
Here I am writing to you again because you don’t want to see me. I haven’t seen you since I told you yesterday what happened at Lawton Hall.
Hey, I blame myself for the rift that is growing between us. I can feel it in your letter that you are undecided at to what you should do next. I can understand how you feel about returning to Crow Nest. I would venture there cautiously if that is what you decided to do, darling.
I am sure I can pick up the pieces of my life without you. Who am I kidding? I will be so lost without you. Sorry, that comment should be omitted. You already know how I feel. Don’t you? Only I can find it in me to do that. I wish I could turn back time. Only I can’t and what I did eats at me daily for I know how much I have hurt you. If it is any consolation I am so ashamed of myself. I grieve what we had. I feel that it will never be the same again whether we reconcile or not.
Whether you believe me or not I value what we had. I just did the most foolish thing and I don’t understand why. Only I feel that you may find it hard to reconcile with me. I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t want to talk to me if I was you. I wait for you to reply, Adney.
Faithfully yours from now until the end.
Your Pony.
Anne folded the letter then slide it under their bedroom door. She heard footsteps walk to the door then walk back to their bed. She walked back downstairs and out the front door. It was a cool, late January day so she had put on her greatcoat and gloves. She needed to keep herself occupied so her mind wasn’t constantly thinking about the letter and what Ann’s answer would be. It was too easy to think about the worse and so impossible to imagine the best. So, she didn’t.
She strode across the land that her uncle had bequeathed her. She survey all she owned only it didn’t bring a smile to her face and bring joy to her heart because without Ann all this was for nothing. All she had planned for their future meant nothing now that it seemed Ann was going to return to Crow Nest even though she said she didn’t want to.
She walked far enough away from the Hall. She took off her greatcoat spread it down on the grass. She lay down and closed her eyes. She didn’t know if she would sleep only she hadn’t slept much at all last night. The chair in her study wasn’t very comfortable and her legs hurt from resting them on the hard desk.
She didn’t know how long she had been sleeping when she heard someone calling her name. She opened her eyes and turned her head. She could see someone running to her. She couldn’t make out who it was. Then she heard the voice again and this time she knew who it was. ‘Anne, Anne where are you, darling Anne?’ She sat up so Ann could see her. Then she stood up and walked towards her. She stopped as she thought she was close enough and waited.
Ann reached her then stopped. Anne looked at her wife wondering why she was smiling. What did she do to deserve such an amazing woman. ‘Anne, pony, we need to talk but not here.’ Anne looked into her wife’s eyes. She could see there was hope looking back at her so she smiled.
It she felt an inkling of confidence she had to show it. She wanted Ann to see she was happy that Ann wanted to talk. ‘Aunt Anne said lunch would be ready in an hour. So, I shouldn’t go far. She said if I found you to tell you that she is glad you wrote to me. I showed her the letters and she read them. I hope you don’t mind, Anne.’ Anne shook her head. ‘You only wanted her thoughts on the matter and since she knows me better than anyone else I am sure she will steer you in the right direction. There will be no bias on her part. She loves us both in equal measure.’ Ann smiled because those were the words that Aunt Anne had said to her.
‘Where would you like to go for our talk?’ Anne asked. ‘To the lake, please. If that is okay with you. I think we need it to be somewhere out in the open but away from others.‘ Ann had decided that was where she want to talk to her wife. That’s what she told Aunt Anne and told her to give her about an hour then come looking for her and Anne.
They strolled to the lake. Anne looking over at her wife. Ann was chewing her bottom lip. She was so nervous and she could see her wife knew. She knew what she wanted to say only she had to figure out how she was going to say it so there wouldn’t be another argument. She didn’t want that to happen.
While Anne may have hurt her badly she knew deep down she couldn’t leave. She wanted to be with Anne more than anyone else in this world.
Ann sat down on the grass when they reached the lake. She motioned Anne to sit next to her. This is the closest they had been in over 24 hours and Anne didn’t know what to do. She looked down at her wife and tried to smile. ‘Please sit next to me, Dearest. I need you near so I can tell you how I feel without the need to raise my voice.’ Anne did as she requested. Anne was hoping this was going to be good for both of them. She could see Ann was nervous. She sat next to her wife and waited. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest. She wondered if Ann could hear it too. It was so loud it was drumming in her ears.
She wasn’t really prepared for anything. She was hoping Ann wanted to be with her again. Only she knew anything was possible.
She looked at Ann waiting for her to say something. She was getting so frustrated with Ann that she was about to tell her to not bother when Ann spoke. ‘Dearest, I know that we are both to blame for what happened. I encouraged you to go and you went. So, don’t take all the blame. I wish I had said no when you asked me. Only I could tell by the look on your face that you needed to do this. I knew there was more between you and Mrs Lawton than what you told me.’ Ann said. ‘How did I know? Your age, the rumours and the way she wrote her letters to you. They were so passionate. Oh, It was well hidden. Wasn’t it?’ Anne opened her mouth to reply. Only Ann gave her a stern look so she closed it again. Why would she want to push Ann back when she seemed to be moving forward?
‘Your aunt told me a bit about your past. Not as much as you think she did but enough to make me realise that Mariana was a manipulative woman who would constantly write to you and demand your attention then when she was done with you send you home again in tears. Aunt Anne still doesn’t understand why you did what you did for her neither do I. Why Anne? Why did you let her come between us the way she has? Why didn’t I make you stay at Shibden?’ Anne lowered her head. She could see where this was heading and didn’t want Ann to see her crying.
Ann reached over. She placed her thumb under her wife’s chin and gently lifted her head. ‘You know I could stay mad with you forever. Only that isn’t what I want to do, Anne Lister. I want to be with you for always. I want our life to be wonderful. So, can you promise me one thing you will never shag anyone but your wife from now on. If you say yes to that question. I will have to trust you. Won’t I? Because I love you. I am in love with you. I always have been. Haven’t I?’ Anne nodded. Tears rolling down her face.
She hadn’t lost her wife. She was surprised and so happy. Ann leaned over and wrapped her arms around Anne. She held her close. Their lips crashed just as Aunt Anne walked up to them. ‘I see you two have talked and I can gather from what I just saw that you, Ann and my niece are still going to be screaming out each others’ name at some ungodly hour in the mornings. Thank goodness for that. I don’t think I could stand the silence again.’ Ann blushed and Anne laughed.
They made their way back up to the hall with their aunt walking between them. They were chatting away as if nothing bad had ever happened.
Postscript: Anne remained faithful to Ann until the end of her life When Mariana wrote to her she would let Ann read it or read it out loud to her wife. She didn’t want Ann to feel she wasn’t the most important person in her life. Yet, she continued to feel terrible about what she did during the Christmas of 1834. She never imagined in her wildest dreams that Ann would ever forgive her. I am sure we are glad she did. I wonder if someone will finish this story for us. Will they?