Watching Azula lay in the hospital beds always made Ty Lee want to cry. The princess was strong, bold, and seeing her laying there, so pale and fragile... Bowing her head, Ty Lee rubbed her eyes. Crying would do nothing. Besides, Azula was fine. She was. The doctors said she was just sleeping off whatever drugs they'd given her to help her brain recover. Still, the little voice in the back of Ty Lee's mind nagged and whispered, coiling around her thoughts like a snake.
What if Azula wasn't fine? What if this it for her? The final straw for her already fragile psyche?
For just a moment, Ty Lee couldn't breathe. Fighting for air, she gasped, one hand flying to her constricting chest. And then a hand was on her shoulder, pulling her into a tight embrace. The tears came then, and Ty Lee sobbed, clutching at the loose fitting robes Suki wore when she was off duty. Suki held her so tightly against her chest, surrounding her with the smell of safety and love.
"It's alright. I'm here." The alpha murmured into her hair, rubbing her chin over Ty Lee's head. "Everything is going to be okay." Ty Lee just whimpered in response and held onto her friend just a little tighter.
"I'm scared." She whispered. A noise that was almost a whine escaped Suki and the alpha buried her face into Ty Lee's hair.
"Don't be. You're safe."
Of course Suki would misread the situation. Her friend was many things- wise beyond her years, an amazing, considerate friend, and a reliable, safe alpha- but she had never understood the whole 'Azula situation'. Not like her fellow omegas did. No, Suki wouldn't understand that it wasn't Azula Ty Lee was scared of.
"I'm scared for her." Ty Lee pulled away, wiping her face on her sleeve. Head cocking, Suki kept hold of Ty Lee's shoulders, loosening her grip enough that Ty Lee didn't feel trapped.
Sucking in a deep breath, Suki guided them towards the pair of chairs near a table on the other side of the room. "I don't understand." Suki confessed, handing Ty Lee a glass of water as she got settled in her own chair. "Please, tell me."
The water was cool and grounding in this horrid place. The bright blue of Suki's eyes tracked her every movement, so concerned that it looked like she might cry. "I don't know how or what to say." Ty Lee pursed her lips and stared up at the ceiling. Her eyes prickled with tears again, but she didn't want to cry. "Azula's never been all bad and, sure things got really, really bad when the Comet came and all that, but I..." In her bed, Azula stirred, sighing in her sleep. "She would never hurt me." But she had. That's where all this got so tangled up. Azula had hurt her and Ty Lee had let her, but she still believed- had to believe- that Azula hadn't meant it.
"She did hurt you though." Suki seemed to read her mind there, her eyes never leaving the subtle twitches of Ty Lee's face; watching her inner struggle. "That's why you joined us, to get away from her."
"No." Oh, it was almost true. Almost. "No, I joined because for once I had a group of girls who supported me, who celebrated my differences, who allowed me to be unique and a part of a team. For all my life I was told I was weird and different- and I am!- but it wasn't something to be proud of. My family never saw me as anything more than a face among faces, the circus bullied me because I was an omega without anything but flexibility and balance. I was unique there, but I wasn't loved or accepted.
"The Warriors- you- are my family! You give me space to be me, to be my weird self and not feel any shame for being unmated or for leaving my parents and siblings behind, and I belong with you. I'm not ostracized or shoved aside for someone better, you all just love me for me and it's just amazing that I get to be a part of it all!" Ty Lee paused at Suki's smile. She really had a lovely smile and it warmed Ty Lee's heart to see her happy.
"I like that better than you just running away from your problems." Suki reached over and squeezed Ty Lee's hand. "You're braver than that."
"I hope so." Ty Lee glanced in Azula's direction. "You and the girls filled a part of me that I thought would never be fulfilled and at the lowest time in my life. I think Azula tried. She and Mai have been my friends for almost longer than I can remember. She protected me from bullies in school and at home as best she could, even if she was mean sometimes. Her mom was never great about showing her how to love, looking back I don't understand why she wasn't because she was always coddling Zuko, but she just never saw Azula the same I guess." As if on cue, Azula mumbled something as she turned over. "I loved her." Ty Lee whispered, still staring at the bed. "I just wanted to see her happy, but I left her first, for the circus. I wanted her to come with me. She refused, said that I'd regret it and I did. But she was the one who came for me first, I was always first after her, and she wanted me to come with her so desperately... I don't know."
It was Suki's turn to purse her lips in thought. "Can I clarify something?"
"Yeah!" Ty Lee turned back to Suki and smiled. "Ask away." As if she couldn't help it, Suki smiled right back at her.
"What I'm getting is that Azula just has a really unfortunate way of showing what she wants, true?"
"Yes." Ty Lee stared at the empty glass in her hands and turned it over. "No one showed her how."
"That actually makes a lot of sense from what I've seen of her." Suki leaned back in her chair, eying the bed for a moment. "As a fellow alpha, I know how the stereotypes can get into your head. I was lucky to have great parents, but for someone who had probably the worst sire ever it can be really hard to understand that violence is not always best. Especially when we're young and stupid and still developing." Ty Lee giggled at that, remembering a few times when Azula had been exactly that- young, stupid, and completely unaware that she was still developing.
"That is definitely accurate. She was so confused for a while." Ty Lee's eyes got a little distant as she remembered. "There was this one time, when we were tracking down Zuko and Aang, that she totally flipped out because a certain appendage decided to make an appearance." Suki snorted and Ty Lee continued. "She was maybe fourteen at the time- yeah, that's right- and I guess Lo and Li were not all that concerned with explaining presentation, but you have to imagine- it was so funny. We're in tents, right? We all wake up, Mai is so grumpy as usual, and I'm making tea to wake us up. Then, Azula walks out of her tent and she looks like she's seen a ghost. I've never seen her so terrified." Ty Lee giggled again. "She sits down super gingerly and stares into the fire like she's never seen it before. I asked her what was wrong and she turned so red! Her whole face, ears, neck- bright red! Then she glances at Mai who was not paying attention and whispers so quietly 'I think I'm turning into a boy'."
Suki gaffawed, smacking her head against the table. "No! She didn't!" Suki laughed so hard she started crying a little.
"She did!" Ty Lee laughed with her. "It was so precious. I was the most well versed in the ways of the world at that point so I explained it to her and she didn't talk to me for like a week. Wouldn't look at me, even. It was hilarious."
"In my defense," Azula's voice rasped from the bed. "It was the first I'd ever heard about any of that." Both girls turned and stared at Azula, who sat up and blinked at them owlishly. "Where am I?"
"The hospital ward." Suki answered for Ty Lee. "You had an episode last night and they brought you here to keep an eye on you." Distantly, Azula nodded, swallowing thickly.
"That makes sense." She murmured, then glanced at Ty Lee. "Is there more water?"
"Yeah." Ty Lee hated that all her laughter died when Azula stared at her. But she got her the water anyway, because she was nice and Azula needed a drink. "Here."
"Thank you." Azula drank the whole glass. When she set it aside, she stared up at Ty Lee, brows furrowed like she was thinking. "You were there, in the tunnels? Or was that just..."
"I was. I came to get you."
"Why?" That word was a knife in Ty Lee's heart. That Azula would even need to ask such a question, when she was, is, was Ty Lee's whole entire world in the strangest way possible.
"Zuko was worried. He couldn't find you. So, he came and found me and asked me to guide him through the tunnels. I just happened to find you first." Ty Lee explained, sitting on the edge of the bed.
"Do you remember drawing pictures?" Azula asked out of the blue. Fixing Azula with a curious stare, Ty Lee opened her mouth to answer, but Azula overcorrected. "I mean, in the tunnels. When we were little. We drew pictures on the walls, like the Sun Warriors."
"I know what you meant." Ty Lee whispered, then cleared her throat. "and yeah, I do remember."
"You put our hearts next to each other." Azula fisted the blankets that covered her legs.
"I did." Where was this going? Ty Lee was so nervous, her heart was pounding, and it was all she could do not to run. But she was braver than that, Suki had just told her that. She could be brave enough not to run away, to let Azula say what she wanted to say.
"When you came, I thought I was just imagining you. That happens sometimes, I see you or mother, and you both lie to me." Her voice was trembling, breaking, right along with Ty Lee's heart. "You always say things, bring up memories, and you always, always, leave." The hurt that contorted Azula's face shattered and a tear slipped down her cheek. "I don't blame you. For leaving." The whisper was so quiet, Ty Lee almost didn't understand. But she did. "I'd leave too if I could. I-" Azula choked on a sob. "I messed up so badly."
Frozen. Ty Lee was frozen in this moment. Her heart urged her to reach into Azula's darkness and embrace her there with all her demons floating around them. Her head told her to run. But she stayed, because that's what Brave Ty Lee does. Brave Ty Lee stays.
"I didn't leave this time." Ty Lee murmurs, wishing she had a handkerchief on her. "I wanted to make sure you were alright." Teary golden eyes lifted and stared into her soul, or at least it felt that way.
"I... I have so much to say to you. I don't remember why I was so scared to tell you but... Ty, I- no. That's not how I want to do this." Azula pinched the bridge of her nose.
"Azula, you're on drugs right now." Ty Lee blurted out which made Azula snort.
"Yeah, I know. I've had enough episodes that I know what it feels like." She shook her head, chuckling a little. "It's like a truth potion or something. It relaxes my brain, I don't know, it's weird and hard to explain." She shook her head again, this time like she was clearing out her thoughts. "Look, I have letters. In my room. In the secret drawer in my desk. They're all written to you, Cho's idea, and I never intended to give them to you, but there is no way I'm going to have the courage to say what I need to when I'm back to normal and I just don't have time... but read the letters. I think they'll explain everything, but maybe not. I just... don't have the right words, I never have, I always screw this up." Azula's hands twisted up the blankets again and then let go. Her eyes were clearer now, but they darted over her face, taking in the little details she'd missed over the past two years. "I said, once, that I would never apologize." She said more quietly, but so seriously that Ty Lee inwardly braced herself. A moment of silence passed before Ty Lee realized that Azula was waiting on her.
"Um, yes princess. I remember." She swallowed. Azula's chi was tugging at her. She could feel it.
"I'm sorry." Azula said, closing her eyes for a moment, and then forced them open to stare into Ty Lee's with blazing certainty. "I was wrong, so many times over. I lied to you, manipulated you, and loved you all at once."
Loved? Loved?!
"It wasn't fair to you for me to treat you like I did, like I have been, and I am so, so sorry, Lee. I was stupid to let you go, but now I see that if I don't, if I hadn't, let you go, I couldn't love you. I just couldn't. Love isn't forced, or jealous, or angry, it doesn't boast. It's patient and kind and understanding. I'm not perfect, right? I know I'm not and never will be, but I want to try again, I want to start over. And no, I'm not just saying this because I'm high, I just want to be with you. But if you don't want that, I understand, and we can just forget everything I just said and pretend that I never-"
Looking back, Ty Lee's reaction was entirely inappropriate. But, in the heat of the moment (and it was hot, as Azula's fire bending started to wake up with her), there seemed no other way to simultaneously tell Azula to shut up, gently of course, and to tell her that Ty Lee had already forgiven her, that she was sorry too, and that she.. that she...
Words fail, but actions cannot be doubted.
Azula's mouth was open when Ty Lee kissed her, which was awkward in so many ways, but it took all of five seconds for Azula to close her mouth and kiss Ty Lee back with such ferocity that it left Ty Lee gasping for breath. Those golden eyes were blown wide with what Ty Lee assumed was a combination of the drugs coursing through her veins, adrenaline, and lust. They flicked between Ty Lee's eyes, lips, and hands for a few seconds while Ty Lee caught her breath. Ty Lee saw Azula's throat bob as she swallowed, tracking the movement before her eyes caught on Azula's lips again.
"Can I try that again?" Azula asked, totally focused on Ty Lee's lips as they fumbled to form words since her rational mind had just packed up and flown away with a grandiose farewell. So, Ty Lee just nodded and met Azula in the middle, kissing her and telling her in that kiss all the things she couldn't say.
To her surprise, it was Azula who broke the kiss this time, and when Ty Lee looked at her- because why would she ever stop kissing?- Azula just smiled at her and Ty Lee could see just how much Azula really cared. It was written all over her face, in the slight furrow of her brows, in the little whites of her teeth that showed through her smile, in the brightness of her eyes that said she might cry or laugh or both at the same time, in the flush of her cheeks, and the smell of devotion that poured off of her in waves. Somehow, Azula had retained her braincells, which was interesting, considering she was the one on drugs currently, and she knew exactly what to say, or sing as the case may be.
"If I ever hurt you, true love won't desert you. You know I still love you, though we touched and went our separate ways." She changed the lyrics just so, but the tune was there and Ty Lee was about to start sobbing again, when she felt hands on her shoulders, gently pulling her back.
Honestly, Ty Lee had forgotten that Suki was there at all- some friend she was, really- but now her friend was pulling her away from Azula which was just not going to fly. "Suki!" Her protests fell on deaf ears. Azula looked like her heart was breaking and she started to get out of bed at the sound and smell of Ty Lee's distress.
"Princess," Suki let her alpha speak through her for just a moment, just enough to stop the princess in her tracks. "Sit back down, please. Ty Lee, you're fine. I'm just sitting you over here." Ty Lee was plopped into her chair and she stared up at Suki, helpless for a moment. This was her friend, her alpha protector, how could she betray her so? She must have whined or something because Azula growled from the bed and got up again, but stumbled over herself so badly that Suki had to catch her. "Just rest, please. Neither of you are in any state to be making out right now. Do I need to call in the nurse?" Azula's eyes were still locked on Ty Lee, but she shook her head.
"No. You don't." And she allowed Suki to help her back to her bed. Once she was settled there and not in danger of falling or hurting herself, Suki backed off. She sat back down in her chair across from Ty Lee and gave her a look that said 'we're going to talk about this later. Alone.' but thankfully, Azula had enough sense to ask for her brother and Cho.
Not her mother. Not yet.
And then it was a whirlwind of activity. Zuko poked and prodded her until Azula told him to bug off and leave her be, while Cho sent Ty Lee an all-too-knowing look and proceeded to ask Azula all sorts of questions that had nothing to do with hallucinations until Ursa swept in with Ikem and Kiyi trailing behind with the look of a mother sabertooth mooselion who'd been kept from her sick cub. To Ty Lee it was just a blur. All she could see was Azula who was looking at her too while answering her mother and Cho's questions. Then Redi and Mai arrived and cleared everyone out so Azula could dress and get back to her room to rest properly and eat. Ty Lee was herded out by Suki and handed off to Luse and Hua who must have been waiting for her. But just before she was guided back to the wing where the Warriors bunked, Zuko caught her sleeve and handed her a bundle of scrolls.
"I think my sister meant to give these to you. Read at your discretion though, she is Azula after all."
That really was the ticket, Ty Lee thought as she clutched the scrolls to her breast as she walked back to her room. Azula was Azula, and she was full of contradictions. So many, that Ty Lee wondered if she could untangle them at all.
Dear Azula,
I've read your letters now and have stewed over them for some time before deciding that I wanted to respond in like kind.
I don't know where to start.
You certainly have a way with words, which I think I lack, but maybe not. I don't write a lot, have never needed too, but maybe I should have been better while I was in the circus. It would have been nice to hear from you and to tell you all the stories I have from those days. I'll have to tell you all about it sometime.
The sad truth is, Azula, that I am not brave. Deep down, I'm just a sad, cowardly, omega pup who just wants to hide. That's why I ran away. I was too scared to fix my family life or stand up for myself. It was easier to pack everything I owned, steal some food, and join the circus. Okay, maybe not really, but it seemed easier in my head way back then. I don't think I could do the same now.
I know I hurt you when I told you I was leaving and wouldn't stay even for you. It was so soon after your mother left, and Zuko was banished, but I told myself you still had Mai, even though I heard she left for Omashu less then a year later. Honestly, I told myself that you would be okay, but I knew that was a lie and I hated myself for it. But I buried that deep, deep down, and just tried to forget about the life I'd had and focus on the life I was making.
Then you came for me and I was so scared you'd call me out, that you would be angry at me for leaving, for abandoning you when you needed me the most. I definitely was scared of the net you set on fire and the animals you ordered to run loose, but I deserved that. I'm just lucky I didn't fall, my hands were shaking so bad.
Being with you again reminded me of who I was and why I never really belonged in the circus at all. You were so proud and strong and, well, I fell in love with you. Despite the fear that you were just biding your time until you could get your revenge, despite the signs I saw in you that something was not right, despite everything Mai said to try and get me to stop, I fell for you, as truly and deeply as a newly presented omega could. We shared a lot, you and I, after Ember Island, when you were more comfortable with your body then you were at first. From the kiss you demanded to replace the memory of Chan (ick, why would you ever try for him? He was such a jerk and an alpha too!), to our fumbling first time when we went camping with Zuko and Mai and I had my like second heat ever. I do look on those memories with such fondness, you have no idea. I haven't slept with anyone else, partly because I'm scared and partly because I don't think anyone could measure up to you. There is something so special about being each other's firsts, watching you fall apart for the first time ever and figure out how to make me fall apart, I really don't have words for it.
For what it's worth, I understand why you wanted that maid's company. I've been petitioned myself for that sort of thing, but I just never agreed and the other party was nice enough to let it go. I don't judge you for your mistakes there, seems like you regretted it enough to drink yourself into an episode so you don't need my disapproval on top of that. Trust me, all the girls here have screwed up enough to drink themselves into a stupor at least once, including myself. I don't remember doing it actually, but Hua says it was hilarious.
But all that stuff at the end of that letter, that's all a lie. I've loved you for ever and I don't think I'll ever stop. I know you're doing better and I've seen you grow in all the right ways- mentally, emotionally, and physically- and I can safely say that your aura has never been pinker! You seem happy most of the time when I have moments to watch you and that was exactly why I kept my distance.
We weren't really good for each other, and I'm not sure we are now. Our history is so complicated and you are so... beyond me sometimes. I'm still working on myself and I know you are too. So, forgive me if I am a bit hesitant for now. I have to be careful with my heart, because when it breaks, it breaks, and I can only fix it so many times. In a perfect world, I would throw myself into your arms and kiss you and make love to you and I'd never stop. But the world's not perfect, and neither are we.
I want to be careful with how we proceed. I never want to hurt you again by leaving, but sometimes relationships don't work out and then I would have to leave. For myself and for you, because sometimes staying is the worst thing in the world to do. Please don't take that and doubt the intensity of my feelings, because they are so hard to control right now. I want to be with you, I want to save you, and to have a cheesy teenager romance with you even if we are almost all grown up (happy belated nineteenth birthday, by the way. I did remember, I was just too cowardly to say anything). I do know, though, that love, true love, not the fuzzy feeling love, is a choice. If I am to give myself totally to you, to walk with you from the moment we mate, to the day we die, to bear and raise your pups, and to watch every sunset and sunrise with you, then I want to make my choice with as much certainty as possible.
You deserve the world, Princess, and I want to give it to you freely. Until then, we should talk and get to know each other again. I'm sure I've missed out on so much and I have so many stories to tell you too!
I love you and I can't wait to see you panic later when I give this to you.
Ty Lee
P.S. Did you hear about the latest Maiko drama? Is Zuko really being such an ass or is Mai just being dramatic? We really need to help them out some- they're lost without our combined relationship genius.
If Azula could be any happier, she would have combusted on the spot. This letter that she held in her hand, was everything she'd ever hoped for, everything she'd been yearning for since she returned to the palace. She placed the letter carefully in her secret drawer, wondering if Ty Lee had a similar place to keep Azula's almost unsent love letters. As she crossed the room to grab her hairbrush, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Normally, she just kept walking and ignored the glass as best she could, even tossing blankets over it, but this time, she stopped, and examined her reflection.
Freshly bathed, her hair hung in damp waves around her head and down her shoulders. It didn't look terrible, just like drying hair. Her skin was pretty clear too for once, though it had never been too bad. She was one of the lucky ones, Mai had broken out horribly a few times. Overall, she looked alright. She didn't have any illusions about being the most beautiful or anything, but she didn't look bad either. Neither of her parents were ugly by any means and she'd gotten the best of all her parents features, still sometimes she just looked... not ugly, but out of place. Like her nose belonged just a little higher, her lips a little smaller, her eyes a little bit further apart, little things that were useless to consider because she couldn't fix it. Covering a blemish was something different, but her face was her face.
The more concerning thing to her was those bits of her parents mushed up to make her. Her jaw, mouth, and eyes were all her father. She'd always loved the gold of her eyes, he had too. But the lines that formed on her brow when she frowned and her nose were all her mother. If she squinted or looked sad, the resemblance was uncanny. Sometimes the image would blur and it was just Ursa staring back at her, or sometimes Ozai, which was arguably worse. Ursa never came near her rooms and that was a real relief. But if Ozai ever got out of prison, surely he would come straight here.
Shaking her head, Azula pinched the bridge of her nose to rid herself of those thoughts. Ty Lee loved her, for her, it sounded like. Though Ty Lee had always been the more honest out of the two of them. Mai was bluntly honest, all the time. Ty Lee would follow along with Azula's creative imagination until it got too scary or someone got hurt. Like Ty Lee had said, she had to be careful with her heart and Azula knew that she did too. Her heart hadn't done so well the past few times it had been broken, or maybe it was the combination of mind and heart that hadn't worked in her favor.
Cho would find this interesting. Making a mental note to discuss this with her later, Azula walked away from the mirror and took the brush. Running it through her hair, she hummed to herself, some old love song or lullaby she didn't know the lyrics to. She should look them up sometime. Or write her own.
Maybe Ty Lee would like a love poem. She'd have to write one for her.