The thing with relationships was that they were hard! Pietro knew about it and he remembered that he was asked in that relationship, that they wanted him, but he couldn’t stop feeling like third wheel from time to time. And he hated that times. Hated them with burning passion, hated them with every fibre of his body, just hated! But it didn’t stop.
Steve was so amazing for him, always taking care, always looking for him, always knowing, what he need to do, what he should do. He’s sassy too and has one of the dirtiest mouth on the planet. Don’t let his scout boy look make you think he’s a good, shy boy. Oh no, he has mouth and hands and body from the dirties porn you ever watched and that is not enough to even imagine it alone. Pietro was still amazed, when he just slipped in that dominant, commanding role in bedroom, taking care of both of them at once with that soft smile on his lips.
And Bucky... Pietro didn’t even know, when it’s started, but he was head over heels in love with him suddenly and couldn’t even stop himself. He just one day looked at his sleeping face and just knew, his mind clear and chest so full of love, he couldn’t breathe for a second. He did love Steve too, of course, but it was other kind of love. It was admiration, it was need to be better, to make him happy with being better, being good enough for him.
With Bucky it was pure need to protect him, to make his life happy, to give him everything and anything. He wanted to shower him in praises, kiss and lick every inch of his body, making him believe he was as beautiful as Pietro saw him or even more. It was that burning want for making him less broken. Fuck, Pietro could rip his own heart and give him, if it would help.
Steve didn’t need that kind of love. Steve needed to have someone to take care of, to mother hen around, to get angry at for small things. And Pietro was doing it for him. But when it was needed, he was just allowing him to cuddle him through all night, even if his body was screaming with too much energy, with need to move, telling praises in his chest and just being close, until all build up emotions just flew away. He needed Steve to take care of him just the same and he wanted to take care of him too.
But the love Steve and Bucky had to themselves... It was always there, in inside jokes, in the way they talked with only their eyes, in small gestures, he didn’t catch at the beginning, but now could see all too well. It was always there, constant, in way Steve was looking at Bucky, in a way he draw his face from memory, every line perfect and just so beautiful. It was in a way Bucky was instantly leaning closer to blond, gravitate toward him the moment he walked in the room, his eyes on Captain, as he was the most amazing thing in entire universe. It was in the way, Bucky just comply Steve’s gestures, just knew instantly, what he should do in bed, how to behave, where Pietro needed words, touch to show him that. It was in the way they both had sex, pure trust between them and Pietro couldn’t stop watching them, even if it hurt.
He was so lucky, when they asked him to join them in that relationship. It was pure lust first, because two supersoldiers at once? HOT!!!! He knew it would end someday, he knew it from beginning and he tried so hard not to fall in love with them. But he did. And it hurt too now.
They didn’t neglect him. They were close always, when Pietro needed them, with small gestures of affection, with soft smiles and Pietro knew he was wanted. He knew it, but deep inside, seeing them together cuddling on the couch, he couldn’t shake a feeling, he didn’t have a place between them. That they were like two puzzles, made for each other and Pietro were forcing them apart only to get his part with them too. But he didn’t fit, he couldn’t find a place constantly open for him. Not like Bucky always had a place in Steve’s arms, when he just needed someone to hold him, make his memories less scary, his nightmares less real. Not like Steve, with his sketchbook in his hands and Bucky’s head in his lap, when he needed to calm down, stress from hard mission too much for him. And Bucky instantly knew, when Steve was stressed out. He needed one look at him and he was moving, pushing blond to the nearest couch or bed, bringing him tea, his pencils and notebook and just being silently with him, until Steve’s shoulders finally would drop and he will smile softly. Pietro saw it too, watched them carefully and he knew one thing. They couldn’t live without each other. He couldn’t live without them. But they could live without him.
He didn’t know, if they noticed, what that realisation made to him. Maybe they only thought he needed more time. He still was there, still with them, still trying so hard to be good enough for them, be the person they would come to with their problems, dreams, bad or good, with everything. He just couldn’t do the same. Couldn’t force his stupid problems at them. Because that was all stupid problem.
He wasn’t leader like Steve. He didn’t need to think about all the consequences, make all the bad decisions, important decisions. He only needed to follow that orders, to do, what he was told and try not to die. He knew he wouldn’t make it with guilt, if anyone of his friends would be injured because he made a bad decision.
He didn’t have nightmares as vivid as Bucky, didn’t need protection on bad days, didn’t have flashbacks so strong to crumble on floor sobbing later. It broke his heart every time, seeing him so hurt, wanting nothing more to make it all stop and help him.
Pietro had nightmares too. His were about small cell in a basement, where he couldn’t move, where his body, not used to all of that energy was in constant pain. About men, good men, he was forced to kill, their faces looking at him from mirrors. About agents that made him still, tying his body so hard, he couldn’t move, making fun of him, making him do things he couldn’t stop, even if he begged them to stop. But it was all over and every time he woke from those nightmares, hot body pressed to his chest, or his back, or both, he relaxed instantly, knowing he was safe and returning to bed. Because it was all over, the base didn’t exist anymore, those men were dead. And the fear was irrational and stupid. He only pushed all of it more inside him, ready to help them, backing off from any help he needed.
And it would be good like that. He would be like that with them. He needed them more, than they needed him. Why bothering them with any of his problems, made them think why they even started it with someone so needy and whiny, when he could be better and always for them? He would make it, until they would finally see how much they didn't need him. And Pietro knew when it would come they wouldn’t tell him anything just stay with him because they were good. It was his job to let them go. To make them believe it’s all right to let him go, to be happy together without him. And he was ready for it, waiting for any clue it was that time and enjoying his time until it would come.
Wanda was scared for him, he could feel it. She was watching him, always at his side, when he was alone. He wasn’t stupid, he wouldn’t do anything to himself. Not until he had them. He tried to calm her down but it only made her more worried and he stopped.
What made him think it was a time finally?
“You need time, we can see it.” No...
“You’re so distant. If anything happened tell us.” I’m fine, just be here...
“It will not work, if you won’t talk with us, doll.” I can’t. Don’t make me do it...
“You are not making it any easier!” I can’t make it. Gods. I won’t make it...
They were so patient, trying to fix it all. Trying to make him, make them believe he was needed. They were deceiving themselves Pietro knew it. And he needed to do something about it.
“We love you, you oaf.” Bucky was sitting just before him, hand on his shoulders and Pietro felt like his body was floating around. “We love you and we want you.” His eyes shifted to Steve and Pietro could see question in that eyes, all the doubts there. They were doing it for him.
“Pietro, you need to listen to us.” Steve with his soft voice. Tone he was always using, when he wanted people to do something. “We don’t understand what is going on in your head and won’t understand until you won’t tell us.”
“Come on, asshole.” Bucky smiled and Pietro couldn’t think of anything more that his smile was forced. “We love you...”
“But I don’t...”
Silence in the room was so loud, Pietro needed to close his eyes. He moved, running from Bucky’s hands and Steve’s calming presence to other side of the room, before they would even react. It was his time, his show. He learned for years how to hide emotions inside around people, how to act.
“Pietro...” Bucky’s voice was broken and Pietro needed to swallow, when his body only wanted to go to him and take him in his arms. Steve did that and that was good. It was his place, not Pietro’s.
“I don’t, ok? I tried and I wanted, but I don’t love you and I am tired of it.” He said, his heart beating so hard, he was sure it would break his ribs. “I am tired of smiling, being good boy, of humouring you. I... I just can’t do it anymore, ok?”
Please, please, please, see through that lie, you know me better, I don’t want to do it, I can’t live without you, gods, it hurt so much.
“But you told us so many times...” Steve started, his fingers tight on Bucky’s hand.
“I thought I would make myself believe it. And you wanted to hear it.” He felt smirk on his lips as he shook his head. It was so wrong he felt sick. “I should tell you earlier. I’m sorry.”
And without waiting for more, he ran. He just couldn’t stand seeing Bucky’s eyes full of tears and Steve’s shocked and hurt face. It was making his heart break all over. But he needed to do it. He needed to be the first one to do it. Before they would do it. But gods, why it hurt so much?!
Wanda found him curled on her bed under the blanket and didn’t say anything. She just held him close, waiting. He didn’t say anything, didn’t cry, he just curled more around her begging in his head for someone to stop the pain.
It wasn’t easier after that. No, it was harder. He tried behaving normally, but he was thanking gods in his head for his powers. He was a runner and was running every time he was alone anywhere with Steve or Bucky or both of them. They wanted to talk and Pietro knew he would end begging them to forgive him because he needed them. But they didn’t need him. And he could see it clearly.
He was reckless again, taking unnecessary risk on the missions, running head first in the danger and not listening to orders. He was back to how he was in the beginning, when nightmares wouldn’t allow him to sleep and everyone was making him scared of doing anything wrong. There wasn’t wrong in battle. There were only good, or better. And Pietro was doing better even if it all always ended in shouting and anger.
Until one time in ended in bullets.
He liked to joke about time in Sokovia. That bullet’s didn’t kill him, because he was too good. But he was scared of it, scared of dying. But more he was scared of seeing someone die. That why he jumped at Bucky when he saw him hurt and unprotected. He was too scared to move him, blood seeping from between soldier’s fingers. He just flashed him quick smile before he felt pain all over his body, every little bullet causing his body to scream from it. He saw disbelieve in Bucky’s eyes, could hear Steve and Wanda’s screams.
“Just like Sokovia again, hm?” He asked, even if he knew Bucky wasn’t there then before everything went to black and pain finally ended.
“You are so stupid, brother!”
He didn’t even open his eyes at that and that were first words he heard after the battle. He smiled slightly knowing very well she could see it. His body was floating, his mind mushy and he knew he was so high on painkillers it will hurt badly when it end.
“Why risking your live for someone, you don’t love? I don’t understand.”
“ ‘m love ‘im...” He mumbled and he didn’t even could move his hand to scratch his nose. Wanda was there instantly to do it and he smiled happily at her.
“Then why you backed up from them?”
“ ‘cause they don’t need burden I am.”
“You are not burden, brother.” Wanda said softly, moving his hand to his shoulder and it was something weird there, her hand never was that big, but at the same time he couldn’t feel his legs well. “You never were.”
It was too late. He could feel all emotions bubble in his chest for him finally to share them with her.
“They need each other, siestra. It’s me, who need them, not other way. I love them so much it hurt and I didn’t want them to force themselves to be with me. I have nothing to give them. I have only my fears, my nightmares, my stupid problems and they don’t deserve me to force all of it at them.” He breathed slowly in, feeling tears appear under his eyelids. “I am not good enough and they are too good to let me go. That why I did that. I let them go.”
“You’re an idiot, brother.” Wanda said again and he could hear her walking out of the room.
She walked out and he could still feel hand on his shoulder and that was really weird. Pietro forced his eyes open, blinking tears away until he could see properly. And there was Steve standing near his bed, with hand on his shoulder and Pietro couldn’t move, couldn’t run.
“I’m gonna kick your ass Maximoff when you will be able to get out of the bed.” He heard Bucky’s voice and turned his head to see him sitting on the other bed. He could see bandages under his shirt, but soldier looked good.
“Thanks’ gods, you’re fine.” Pietro breathed closing his eyes again.
“Steve, I’m really gonna kill him now if he wanted it so bad!”
“Why you didn’t told us about it.” Steve, calm and good Steve asked and his voice broke in the middle. Pietro hated himself for it, hated himself so hard he caused it. “You should tell us we were neglecting you...”
“No! It’s not-” Pietro said quickly and it ended in him coughing loudly. When he finally could breathe again Bucky was slowly running his fingers through his hair and Steve keep straw near his lips for him to drink. “You weren’t neglecting me.”
“You never were bother to us. Your problems are as important to us and you are. Why you never told us of your nightmares?” Bucky was talking quietly his eyes sad and full of something Pietro knew too well.
“Because yours are far worse than mine. Why making a problem of it?”
“Because it doesn’t matter if they are worse or not. What matter is you having something you are scared off and we can’t help you.” He could feel Steve holding his hand. “Every time I found you awake in a night walking out for run you were running from nightmares?”
“ ‘m sorry...” Pietro breathed closing his eyes again. “I didn’t want to be bother...”
“You were taking such good care of us so far, Pietro.” Bucky kissed his forehead and his body immediately relaxed. “Now it’s our turn.”
“Next time you will be so fixated on something just tell us.” He could hear smile in Steve’s voice now. “You’re thinking too quickly for us to follow. You need to talk to us.”
“I’m sorry. I will. I’m sorry I told all that hurtful things. I didn’t mean it. I love you both.” He was rambling, wanting to make them believe him now and have them again in his life.
“We will work on it when you will get better.” Steve stopped him. “For now you need to rest.”
“Just get better for now, doll. We will still be here anytime you need us.”
Pietro nodded, heart finally stopping hurting all the time. He was so stupid. Wanda was right, he was an idiot. An idiot in love.