That Other Guy
The work deprogramming Bucky had gone remarkably well with so many geniuses on the case. Just two weeks after Steve found him, Bucky was cleared. Bucky had one last scan and check, after passing his triggers test. Usually, Steve was sitting in the room when Bucky got his scans with the doctors, but today Steve had gone to make some calls and check into some info about whatever mystery was surrounding whatever happened at Halloween. Bucky still hadn't quite worked out what was happening, Steve seemed confused by it, but Bucky could tell he was holding things back. He supposed he understood why, so Bucky was leaving it alone for now.
Bucky waited only a few minutes before Bruce came into the room. "No Steve?"
"No Steve. He's looking into something about Halloween." Bucky had his hands jammed between his knees as he tried to stay still until everything was done.
"Right." Bruce nodded, pulling up some computer readouts and readying the scanner. "Are you looking forward to this move?"
Bucky had spent over a week being examined repeatedly, daily, by Bruce, but they hadn't really talked much. Bucky never said much to anyone other than Steve. And usually there were the other doctors, or at least Tony around for these things, and Steve of course, and they would all talk sometimes, but he would just sit. "Um, I guess."
"Nervous?" Bruce started scanning and checking the readings as he did. He was doing a full physical scan, mind and body.
"Yeah, a bit." Bucky's flesh finger was tapping on his metal one, the only movement he was making.
"I get it. But I really do think you are in the clear with the triggers. No one can say any words that will turn you into the Winter Soldier. Although, obviously, just because there's no trigger words, doesn't make the mess in your head much better." The scans were fairly quick, and Bruce paused to just look Bucky in the eye.
"How do you deal with it? With the Hulk? I imagine it's a weird feeling, this other character kind of looming in there." Bucky had been listening the whole time he was sitting getting examined, and he'd caught enough to know, if anyone in that building could relate to having someone else inside you, doing things you had no control of, it might be Bruce.
"It is. Is that what the Winter Soldier is to you?" Bruce sat down on a lab chair next to the exam table. He wasn't a therapist, usually, Bruce tried to avoid taking on other people's troubles, he had enough of his own baggage, but he saw in Bucky's situation, perhaps someone who could halfway appreciate just what it was like to feel like your mind and body wasn't completely your own.
"A little. Even if that part can't just wake up anymore, the shadow of it is still there. My memories for most everything is kind of jumbled, but the one thing I do remember, the names and faces of every person I killed." His stare went past Bruce to the wall, as yet again every face flashed through his mind.
"The Winter Soldier, it wasn't really you." Bruce could see that distinction, and Bucky did know that in his mind somewhere, but sometimes it was hard to believe.
"Yeah, but I was still there, I still watched it, I still felt it. And I couldn't do a thing to stop it." Why the moments when he had been buried deep in the programming, killing on command like he was a robot, a weapon, those were the clearest memories. Perhaps because they were so intense, and because the only thing Bucky, the real Bucky, could do in those moments was watch as his body, as the programming in his body took someone's life.
"That's a hard thing to live with, I do know that. For me, The Hulk is always there, and he could always wake up. Most of the time, I have a pretty good handle on the other guy. But there are times when I can feel my grasp slipping, where I am not the one holding the reigns anymore and there's nothing I can do to stop whatever happens next. And that is scary, even when I turn the Hulk loose on purpose, because going the other way, isn't as easy, I don't have any control or memory until The Hulk has gone. I do a lot of meditating. I took up yoga. I read a lot of philosophy. And I keep busy with work. When I'm turning equations, my mind is busy and less likely to get pulled into the other guy." Bruce didn't try to tell Bucky it wasn't his fault or wasn't really him again, because he knew how hollow those words felt. Even if it was the other guy, he always felt responsible, and he could see Bucky felt the same way. But maybe he could help give him the tools to make some kind of peace with it.
Bucky just nodded for a couple of moments before looking at Bruce, eye contact was something that didn't come easy to him anymore. Though he thought it probably used to. "Meditation, yoga, philosophy. I can look into those."
"If you want, I've got a couple books on meditation I could give you. If you're interested. Everyone has to find their own way of coping. But it might help." He shrugged a little, with the smallest twinge of a smile.
"If it's not a book you still need, I'd really appreciate that. Anything that was at all helpful for you, I figure is worth trying." There was a little twitch at the corner of Bucky's mouth, that for a moment resembled something like a smile. If it was something that helped Bruce keep a 'most of the time' hold on The Hulk, then it might help Bucky make some peace with the ghost of the Winter Soldier that lurked in his head.
"There's a couple that I liked enough, I picked up second copies of, so I can part with a copy." Bruce shrugged slightly, his hands resting in his lap.
"Thanks." Bucky nodded, shifting just a little, not sure if that was the end, and was Bruce's way of letting him know he could, or should, go.
Bruce didn't get up to move, though the scans were complete. "Sure. Is there anything else you think you could use? I know I'd feel anxious doing what you are about to."
"I don't know, I guess I'm getting a computer so I can explore the internet. I seem to have some memory for using technologies that probably was in my programming for missions. But I'd be curious about what I may have missed and what might be current in science." Bucky had some kind of basic knowledge of working technology, but at the same time, he wasn't really sure how all this information was presented.
"You like science?" Bruce tried not to look surprised, but he somehow felt surprised and thought it probably showed.
Bucky noticed but didn't wonder. "I do. I'll never understand it the way you all do, but if there's something that is maybe written for regular people to read and learn from."
"I can send you some links to websites, and get you a book or magazine probably. Tony said he was going to get you up to speed on using the internet, since I guess he's got a fake job for you also, working from home." Bruce finally stood up again, processing the scans and having the computer file them.
"Steve said, doing something online. I assume I can learn enough in a few days to fake it around anyone that asks." It was another thing Bucky was worried about. But he tried to just nod and assume he'd figure it out easy enough. It wasn't the being alone, or on his own, that worried him, it was everything else.
"That's the idea, yeah. Tony should be ready to get started on that in a little bit, he said to send you to his office when we were done, so you can head over there whenever you want. I'll see what I can find for you, in the way of books on science." Bruce nodded.
"Thanks, again." Bucky nodded with another twinge of a smile before he left to head over to Tony's office.