Breathe, Tony

Tony opened his eyes.

The room around him was empty. That didn’t happen too often.

Actually, this had to be the first time he was left completely alone since he’d woken up a few months ago. He still vividly remembered the happy faces of his family and close friends when he’d successfully beat the coma and had come back to them. And he also remembered the way that happiness had started to slowly disappear as they’d learnt that nothing would be the same anymore. Not for Tony and not for them.

I’m sorry Tony, they couldn’t save your arm… nor the eye.

Tony had no chance to see how his face looked but he caught a glimpse of his chest from time to time when nurses changed his bandages. He could imagine how the rest looked…

He can't speak.

Not a single word. Not even confirming sounds. Only the painful groans which he couldn’t quite control if the pain started to become unbearable. Wakanda was a great technological nation. And they did the best they could. Just saving Tony’s life was an impossible task which they’d managed to accomplish.

Returning Tony’s speech to him or just the will to get up from the bed… that wasn’t something in their powers.

“Son.”

Tony closed his eyes, the only sign of rebellion he was capable of. He didn’t want to see him again. His visits had become more and more frequent and they usually left Tony exhausted for hours if not days after.

“Tony, what are you doing?”

Existing – came a bitter reply inside Tony’s head.

“Yes, I noticed.” The voice sounded a bit irritated and Tony knew why. They’d had this conversation before. “Don’t tell me you’re not sick of this silence, boy. I know you are. Why don’t you do something about it?”

And what should I do? – Tony thought, annoyed. I’m hurt. I can’t speak. It hurts. It’s hard. I’m done. Why don’t you leave me the fuck alone, dad?

Silence.
Tony opened his eyes to see if the ongoing hallucination of his father had disappeared or not. It hadn’t.

“I will leave you when you’re ready to continue living, Tony,” Howard said slowly, “when you’re ready to start fighting.”

Tony was aware that his condition wasn’t ideal. He was stagnating because he lacked the will to heal. No matter how hard the doctors were trying to save him, he was simply not ready to work for it. At least that is what Pepper had said and what Rhodey had repeated and what his spiderkid surely thought. He could read it written all over their faces. This silent plea for him to start fighting.

Tony couldn’t. He was tired. His very soul was exhausted.

The only reason why he wasn’t yet dead was his little girl. The angel who had brought him back with her endless tears and pleas. Perhaps Tony became selfless. Perhaps he was a coward, opting for an easy way out for once. But most of all he was still a daddy. And how could he ever willingly leave his little princess?

“This limbo state, it can’t go on forever, you know that, Tony,” his father mirrored Tony’s own realization. “You need to choose.”

I want to rest.

“Are you sure?”

No, he wasn’t, but the alternative – the idea of him going through the hell to recover… If he could even think about recovery when so much of him was missing and never returning back. Physically and mentally. It made him want to cry and hide in the darkest corner.

What do you want from me?

Howard was silent for a moment.
“I want you to meet someone and talk with that person,” he said in the end.

Tony wanted to ask how he was supposed to do that. And who that person should be, but he didn’t have any time to properly form those questions in his head when he heard the doors open and two people entering quietly. He would recognize Pepper’s steps anywhere. The way her shoes hit the floor. But then there was another set of slow careful steps and some rustle of a heavy fabric. A red color in Tony’s peripheral vision.

“Tony,” Pepper greeted him softly walking to his bed and reaching for his good hand like she had done so many times before. “Hi, darling…”

Tony looked at her and tried to smile. That much he could manage for the woman he loved and the mother of his child.

“I brought a guest today,” she continued after a confirmation that Tony was really with her and listening – sometimes he couldn’t even offer that much.
“I know that you might not want to see him and that’s completely okay, but since he has these… powers, I thought he could help me… us… to talk to you. Really talk to you.”

Tony furrowed his brows in confusion.
Pepper didn’t say a name but when she pointedly looked somewhere behind her back, and a man in thick robes and red cloak appeared next to her, she didn’t have to.

Tony’s eyes widened.

“I’m sorry this is so sudden, but… I didn’t know what to do, Tony. Please, can you… can you do this for me? Squeeze my hand if it’s okay for him to stay.”

Tony looked at Stephen Strange, the man who was haunting his dreams along the other nightmares Tony had collected during the years. The doctor’s expression was neutral, but his eyes were stormy. There were so many emotions sparkling to life that it was hard to look away.

Tony didn’t react for a long time, but just as Pepper was about to withdraw her hand, he caught her saddened look. He squeezed in the last possible moment.

Pepper’s eyes returned to him scanning his face. Whatever she saw there had to confirm that Tony really meant it, and so she sat down on the chair next to his head leaving space for Strange to step closer.

“Hello, Tony.” Something in the doctor’s voice was painfully raw. “I’m sorry I haven’t come to visit until now, but… I didn’t think you would like to see me.”

That was true, at least in the beginning. Now Tony was lethargic to most of the things happening around him.

“Pepper mentioned that she would like to talk to you and I… can make it happen. There is a spell which could allow me to temporarily hear your thoughts. I wouldn’t be able to see or hear anything else, no memories, nothing of that sort. Just your immediate thoughts. Your answers in a communication which would be otherwise vocal.”

“The exact same thing you’re doing with me,” Howard added helpfully from somewhere in the room.

“Would that be okay?”
Strange was giving him a sort of look Tony didn’t know how to read. The man himself was a puzzle for him. A one squeeze later, the confirmation that he agreed, Strange nodded and pulled the second chair closer to the bed. He sat down and straightened his back.

“It won’t hurt. You will only feel a bit warmer and hear my voice inside your head. Try to relax.”

That order was a bit hard to follow since Tony had all but good experiences with magic and mind spells specifically, but he tried. Soon a comforting voice filled his head with deep resonating tones that Tony had to automatically associate with the sorcerer.

Hello, Tony. Don’t freak out. I promise I won’t hurt you. I know what I’m doing.
Tony had to immediately think about the battle and how he didn’t trust Strange at all after everything that had happened. He saw the sorcerer flinch at that thought. Tony didn’t allow himself to feel guilty for that.

“Okay, it should work alright. Mrs. Stark, you can start.”

Pepper looked at Tony and smiled a bit unsure.

“Tony, first of all, I apologize for this. I know it’s not comfortable for you and I know it might be stressful, but I just…” Pepper shook her head and her eyes immediately became glassy. “I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

She looked at Tony with despair that she hadn’t allowed to show on her face before. One tear finding its way down her cheek.
“I’m losing you, honey. Morgan is losing you. And we need you so so much.”

The sorcerer winced a bit at her side and Pepper snapped her head at him in worry.
“It’s okay. He’s just yelling at me to tell you that you shouldn’t cry. He’s very sorry that you and Morgan have to go through this.”

Pepper glanced back at Tony wiping at her tears and smiling softly.
“You know that doctors said there’s nothing physically wrong with your voice or any organs connected with it, but you still refuse to talk to us. You refuse to start your physio or leave this room. I know it probably sounds selfish, but I don’t want you to go, Tony. I don’t want you to die slowly, bit by bit, in front of our eyes.”

“You told him he could rest now. Back after the snap,” Strange supplied the answer and Pepper flinched at that.
“I did,” she nodded, “I thought you were dying, Tony. I didn’t… I didn’t want to let you go worried about what would happen to us. But now… Now you’re here. And I could have my husband back only if he would want that himself.”

There was a long silence after which Pepper looked at Strange in concern.

“It hurts,” the sorcerer inhaled sharply. “He’s in great pain. All the time. Even with everything they’re giving him. He’s not sure he has enough strength to go through recovery.”

Pepper’s eyes returned to Tony and more tears filled her eyes.

“I’m so sorry, love. I know… I know it hurts… I have no right to ask this.” Pepper exhaled heavily; her voice defeated. She squeezed Tony’s hand, and there was so much love behind the gesture that something in Tony just broke.
“I have no right,” she repeated and snapped her eyes shut to gather some strength to say her next words. “You’re right. I said you can rest, and I should keep my word. You’ve done enough, love. You saved the universe, my hero…” a sob momentarily interrupted her speech, “you own no one anything. And if you really feel like you want to… let go, I won’t ever hold it against you. I won’t, I promise. I love you. So much, Tony. And that’s precisely why I can’t hold you here against your will, not me, not Morgan, not Peter… So…”

Pepper took a deep breath, more tears streaming down her cheeks.

“We’ll be okay,” she said the words like they were killing her inside, “you can rest, love. If that’s really what you want.”

Tony was watching his wife and wondered why he couldn’t see her clearly anymore. When she reached to wipe his own tears away, he understood.

There was another long pause during which Tony wasn’t able to give his answer. His inner fight had to be quite evident when the sorcerer suddenly spoke up.

“I’m sorry, if you don’t mind…” he said to Pepper, “I would like to show him something. Something what might help him with his choice.”

Pepper looked up confused, but she nodded.
“If he wants to.”

Tony. I want to show you something that I saw back on Titan when I searched for the way how to win against the Titan. I promise it’s not bad.

What is it? – Tony asked inside his own head.

Memories. From different timelines. Of you. Of your family.

Tony had no idea how that should help him make his choice, but he didn’t see a reason why to refuse. He already had the sorcerer in his head, so how worse could it get?

Go on then.

The sorcerer took a deep breath before closing his eyes. Countless of possible futures invaded his consciousness and he tried his best to select those he wanted to show to Tony.

This is only one of many with the same ending – he warned before he let himself fully remember.

The pictures and scenes started to appear in front of his eyes. Not necessarily chronological. They were just pieces and bits. Stolen moments that had still a chance to be true in this timeline.

Tony in the hospital in Wakanda.
His daughter smiling at him and reading him fairy tales from her favorite book.
Pepper taking him on his first visit outside to breathe some fresh air.
His first physio.
His captivating and proud smile when he made a first step without help.
Tony leaving the hospital and people lying flowers in front of his house.
The nightmares.
The pain.
The tears.
Many sunrises with his wife and the kid on the porch, all curled up together.
Happy.
Content.
Alive.

This is not real. – Tony spoke up in his mind. The pictures Stephen was sending into his consciousness stopped.

Not yet. But it could be.

This happened?

Yes. – Stephen nodded. He was aware how strange this silent conversation had to look to Pepper. He expected her to lose her patience anytime soon and demand answers.

Show me more. – Tony asked and Stephen allowed himself to glimpse some hope behind that request.

It wasn’t an easy task to find what he was looking for. There were so many timelines, all mixing up. It had taken him a lot of time to push the memories back, and now when Stephen was willingly letting them fill his head once again, it was slowly becoming overbearing.

Stephen showed Tony more of good ones, although here and there some unwanted images sneaked in despite Stephen’s attempt to hold those particular timelines in the dark corner of his mind. He could pick out the exact moment when it all got out his hands.

Tony and him in the hospital.
Stephen apologizing.
Stephen helping Tony in the physio while feeling guilty.
Stephen feeling more than guilt…
Pepper and Tony fighting.
Tony’s late night calls.
Their first kiss…

No…

Tony never marrying Pepper.
Stephen meeting Tony at one of the galas.
Their first night together.
Years of dating and then a marriage.
Their first pet.
Tony building them a house.
Adopting Morgan…

Stephen groaned in irritation over his own incompetence. He shut the connection for a moment to clear his head while Tony’s teary eyes were watching him, all stunned and wide.

I’m sorry. – Stephen echoed as soon as the connection renewed. I didn’t mean to show you this. This… it’s my problem, not yours.

Tony was still watching him with a shock written all over his features, but there was also something more. Something much softer taking over.

You love me.

“What is it?” Pepper suddenly demanded. “Is everything alright.”
“Yes.” No.

Stephen looked at Tony. The affection in his eyes now very clear.

I love the idea of us together. Of having another life with you. A happy life. But that’s not here and now. And if the only thing I can have in this timeline is the knowledge that you’re alive and happy with your family, I will take it. I will fight for it. Will you?

Tony could hear the suppressed despair and longing in those words, and he had no idea what to do with them. No matter what Stephen Strange had had to do to him to make their survival a sure thing, Tony didn’t wish him tormented by never ending memories of something which the man couldn’t have.

I’m sorry. – He thought. I don’t want you to feel this.

Me neither. Tony heard something like a chuckle echo through his mind. But just as I said, it’s my problem not yours. What I wanted to show you by all of this is that it’s worth it. All the pain you feel right now. Overcoming that is worth it. You saw. You have many people that care about you, Tony Stark. They will make it worth it, I promise.

Tony took a deep breath.

Are you sure?

I’m positive.

Tony looked back at Pepper, the memories he’s just been shown playing in his head and making his heart swell with hope.

Tell her I will fight.

“Tell her yourself,” Stephen smiled softly, with one last affectionate gaze breaking their connection.

Further in the room Howard smiled. He walked to the bed and took a spot beside the two people who loved his son unconditionally knowing that leaving him in their capable hands will be the best decision. He briefly met Tony’s eyes and nodded.

Then he vanished without another word.
Everything important had been already said.