The Endgame

''Anna!'' Pepper almost sighs my name in relief when she opens the door and wraps her arms around me, ''Oh my gosh, are you alright, is everything okay?''

I give her a short squeeze, then pull back. ''I'm fine, everything's fine, Pepper'' I say, but her eyes are still hectic, ''Maybe I shouldn't have come so late-''

''No, no, it's fine! Come in!'' she ushers me inside.

The room is almost the same as I left it a few months ago. Pepper's files are strewn all over the living room table and there's a couple of laptops on the couch and at least three empty coffee mugs lying about. She always works late, and works way too hard. Running a giant of a company while also raising a soon-to-be-teen alone can't be easy, and she insists on doing both completely by herself.

''Still a workaholic, I see.''

''Ah, yeah,'' she huffs out a laugh, quickly sorting out the mess, ''This is the only time of day I actually have some time to myself. Sit! Are you hungry? I could fix something up for you-''

''No, Pepper, really, I just ate,'' I assure her, ''Thank you. I could use a warm cup of tea though,'' I indulge her, knowing nothing will pacify her unless I let her give me something. So I sit down and she says something about wanting some tea herself and shuffles to the kitchen contently, chit-chatting about this and that as she waits for the water to boil. The three laptops glare at me brightly from the coffee table where Pepper's hastily moved them. All three screens are covered with Oscorp and Alchemax files.

''Umm, Pepper?''

''Yeah?'' she responds, now bringing two steaming mugs my way. She places them in front of me and sits down on the couch next to me. The smell of mint is strong and soothing.

''What are you working on?''

''Oh, that's nothing,'' she says, closing the laptops one by one, ''Just research. For a conference.''

''Know thy enemy, huh,'' I smile, taking a sip of the tea gratefully.

''Something like that,'' she smiles back, but the smile doesn't reach her eyes. I decide not to press.

''So how have you been doing?'' Pepper asks, carefully. Too carefully. She knows that if she presses too hard, I'll bolt. The last time we talked she'd told me how Peter was worried about me and Sam was pissed and everybody wanted me to come back and own up, and it sounded a lot like nagging and accusing and I couldn't think of anything else to do but leave. It's the easiest route.

I know she wants to avoid that now. The thought, ironically, irks me so much that it makes me want to leave even more.

I decide to apply some extra impulse control. I have to.

''Fine,'' I respond, ''I'm fine. Getting by.''

''You know, Morgan's been asking about you,'' she says. I feel a sharp pain in my chest, so instantaneous that it almost startles me.

''Yeah, how has she been doing?'' I ask instead, stupidly.

''Well, initially I was worried about moving to New York - I wasn't sure how the change would affect her,'' Pepper explains, ''And you know how she was at first - timid, shy. So unlike her. If not for Peter, I don't know how she would have broken out of that shell. But now that Harley's here, she's a happy camper.''

''Harley's in New York?''

''Starting his PhD,'' Pepper smiles.

It's as though something pushes air out of my lungs. After all this time, I can't get used to it. I don't think I'll ever get used to the fact that I just... wasn't here for five years. And folks that were born in the same year as me are now five years older than me. Harley Keener is supposed to be three years younger than me, even younger than Peter. Instead, he is two years older and ahead of all of us.

Suddenly, my heart swells. I'm so happy for him. He's come such a long way. In the end, he'll turn out the best of all of us. I'm sure Tony would have been so proud of him.

The thought of Tony sends another stab through my heart.

''Wow. Good for him,'' I clear my throat, ''That's great.''

''Yeah.''

''And I never worried about Morgan,'' I say, ''If she's just 2% as adaptable as her father was, you could drop her on a primitive planet only to find her leading a tribe the next time you see her.''

Pepper chuckles. A genuine, whole-hearted laugh. It escapes her, sneaks up on her out of nowhere. The sound and the honesty of it has me grinning like a fool despite myself, engulfed by a strange warmth. I haven't seen Pepper laugh like that in a long while. And God knows she deserves to.

''Yeah, she's a smart kid,'' she nods to herself, a smile still plastered on her face for a moment, ''But it's my job to worry. And sometimes, honestly, I'm terrified.''

''That's because you're a good mom,'' I nudge her shoulder. Pepper smiles at me for a short second, but she's back to the kind of smile that never reaches her eyes - the polite smile, the worst kind.

''The other day she gave Rhodey a card for Father's Day,'' she only says. The tea burns my insides, and I almost choke on the pain. ''He always asks about you, you know?''

I know he's mad at me too. He has to be - especially him. But I don't care, as long as he's okay. They can be mad all they want, as long as I know they're safe and healthy and doing well for themselves. They don't have to understand why I had to go. I just hope they understand I love them.

''Of course, if he wanted to, Rhodey could know where you are at any moment of any day. You're good, but you're not that good,'' Pepper smiles. She's probably right. Rhodey, with his government connections and Tony's tech and Carol freaking Danvers could probably find an ant on the other side of the universe. I'm good, but I'm not good enough to get off his grid.

''Of course,'' I smile, but I suddenly feel so fucking bad. Like I'm the worst traitor that's ever lived and ever betrayed.

''He just chooses not to,'' Pepper adds, ''I know he's sure you'll come back, and when you do, he wants it to be your choice.''

Silence, then. The tea warming my hands is a small comfort, and seems to be the only thing tethering me to this moment. If not for this mug, I could float away, and would not stop until I'm swallowed by the terrifying vastness of the universe. In this moment I am hollow and lightweight and small.

Right now, even if I knew what to say, I feel like I wouldn't be able to. There's a rock in my throat, and it almost chafes.

''Why are you here, Anna?'' Pepper asks first, breaking the silence, ''Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that you are. Here, I mean. It's just-,'' she pauses for a second - then something takes over her, ''You're out there doing God knows what and you drop in every few months and every time you do I have to wonder if there will be a next time because each time you're sporting another scar or bruise somewhere and each time you come back it's like- I can see you're different and that something's happening to you and that something just gets progressively more visible and I don't know what to say or do without you running out on me. But I can see it in your eyes.''

''Pepper-''

''Why don't you just talk to me?'' she asks, ''You know you can. And you have to talk to someone.''

''Pepper-''

''You've lost more than most of us. I get that,'' she puts a hand over my wrist, ''Your parents and Tony and Natasha all at the same time, and your brother missing... It's only been three years. Maybe, just maybe, that's not nearly enough time to process so much. And that's okay. But you have to face it. To feel. You're allowed to feel, Anna.''

It takes every ounce of strength I have to make myself not leave. I'm here for a reason.

''I came to say goodbye, Pep. For a while, at least,'' I manage to say. That stuns her, takes her aback for a moment.

''Wha- Where will you go?''

''Not sure yet,'' I admit, ''Progressively west, I suppose. I just can't stay here.''

She wants to ask something, but thinks better of it and gives up. I know she has a million questions, and I know I don't have answers for most of them. And I know I'm a coward. I'm a coward for leaving Pep and Morgan, for leaving Peter, for leaving Rhodey and the team. I know I'm a coward for giving up the case of my parents, for giving up on my brother. But it's all done, isn't it? How can I bring any of it back?

This city has seen enough of me. Hell's Kitchen's learned to keep an eye out for me. We're not on good terms anymore, these streets and I. All this time I thought I was cleaning up the city's dirt, but all I've done is delve deep into it. I feel like I could never wash it away - I feel like I'm heavy with it, like my skin is drenched in it, like there are pounds and pounds of it weighing me down. It's enough. And I have to leave everything and everyone behind. Start from zero, maybe. Forget any of this ever happened. Not think about my family and half of my friends gone. Not bump into living, breathing reminders that they existed every day.

''Morgan will miss you,'' Pepper says.

''I was hoping I'd get to see her,'' I admit.

''Were you gonna leave tonight?'' Pepper asks, almost horrified at the thought.

I shrug. ''No use waiting around.''

''She's asleep,'' says Pep, ''But I'm pretty sure she'll hate you forever if you don't wake her up.''

I smile, despite myself. Of course she would.

*

Sure enough, Morgan's asleep when I open the door to her room carefully. Her entire ceiling is covered in fluorescent stars, illuminating the fake night sky above her. We used to have these when I was a kid, are they cool again?

She stirs a bit when I step inside, and the light from the hallway illuminates the room. Her walls are covered by weird, geeky science posters, half of them I'm sure being the fault of none other than Peter Parker. There's a Stormtrooper helmet hanging at the side of her closet, and I barely stifle a giggle. Peter's trying to convert this poor child into a Star Wars fan. Last year, I bought her a Lord of the Rings book-set for her birthday, and Peter literally snorted, saying she's too young for weirdos with swords but a lightsaber? - that she can understand.

''Mom?'' she asks, rubbing her eyes.

''It's me, kiddo,'' I say gently, trying not to alarm her, ''Sorry to wake you up.''

''Anna?!'' she perks up instantly, lifting herself up on her elbows. Sleep is suddenly all gone from her, eyes lighting up brighter than the tiny stars on her ceiling. The only thing betraying the fact that she might have been sleeping is her hair, all ruffled and messy.

God, she looks so much like Tony. And it's like she looks more and more like him with every day that passes. Those are his eyes staring back at me. It's almost eerie.

''One and only,'' I give her a big smile. She grins like it's Christmas morning.

''Anna!'' she makes to climb out of bed.

''No, no! Don't get up!'' I rush her back under the covers and sit next to her, ''Why would you wanna leave the perfect warmth of your bed, you little weirdo?''

''You're a weirdo,'' she says, making herself comfortable again, ''What are you doing here? It's late.''

''Aren't you a smartass.''

''Are you homeless now? Is that it?'' she teases me, ''We have room.''

I absolutely burst into laughter. The little shit. Definitely Tony's daughter.

''Ha ha,'' I say with irony, ''First of all, mean. Second of all, you're way too sarcastic for an eight-year-old.''

''Technically, I'm nine,'' she corrects me, ''I'm closer to nine than to eight.''

''Technically, you're a nerd,'' I tell her, ''What's all this? A Stormtrooper helmet?''

''That's Peter's,'' she says.

''Of course it's Peter's. What's it doing here?''

''He really likes Star Wars,'' she explains, ''I don't have the heart to tell him no. You know, sometimes, Annie, I feel like I'm the older one,'' she sighs.

Again, despite myself, I laugh out loud. This kid is something else.

''This is why I never worry about Peter,'' I tell her, ''He's in good hands.''

I remember the first time I held this girl - and how could I not? It was the day of her father's send off. I don't remember much of the service past the heavy silence, and the breeze, and May's gentle squeeze of my shoulder, and my complete inability to cry. The air seemed stifled, stuffed, and my lungs shut closed. It was hard to breathe, let alone cry.

I'd met her then - that beautiful, small, barely five-year-old with Tony's eyes. I couldn't process it. One moment, she didn't exist, and in the next one, she was five. Five years of time I've missed, a whole life for someone.

Morgan had taken to me instantly. I still don't know why. I could hardly bear to look at her. It didn't feel right - something about this reality was just wrong. My brain couldn't make sense of it - any of it, let alone her. When her tiny hand grabbed mine for the first time, my first instinct was to flinch - I had to fight the impulse to pull away.

But then, after the service, when most people had already gone and there was a lighter sort of silence blanketing the estate, Happy had brought cheeseburgers. And Morgan, only half-aware of the reality around her, all but beamed with happiness, as only a child could. Happy had choked on a sob, almost unnoticeable. ''I have to show you guys my fort,'' she'd only said, almost demanded, grabbing Peter's hand and taking the whole paper bag with the other. I stood frozen and watched them go, unable to move my feet.

Pepper had looked at me, and she'd smiled. It was a genuine smile, the kind that takes you aback on a day when the whole world seems to be mourning. She'd only given me a small nod, before bringing in May for a cup of coffee. It's okay, she meant to say. Please go.

So I made myself move. I'd followed Peter and Morgan to a tent, the capital of queen Morgan's kingdom. ''Come in!'' she'd said, and Peter pushed the flaps open to help me get inside. There were tears in his eyes that he wouldn't dare shed, and all he could do is shrug. I guess we're in a fort now.

It was so absurd, and so pure, and so ridiculous. I got in, sat down, and just exploded into giggles. Peter laughed with me, the ridiculous giddiness of it gradually taking over him too until it had brought us to tears and he had to wipe the rebellious ones out the corners of his eyes. My whole body shook with it, trying to shed the weight of everything. Nothing ever felt so good as that laugh me, Peter and Morgan shared in that tent. Oh, Morgan was laughing too, tiny giggles that meant I'm not sure why we're laughing but this is funny.

Then she'd given us a cheeseburger each. ''One for you. And one for you.'' And Peter looked at me and I knew. He didn't have to say a word. We both knew we would give our lives for her in an instant if need be, this tiny girl that we've just met.

I didn't cry for Tony's funeral. But oh, how I'd laughed.

''Why would you worry about Peter,'' she says, too smart for her own good, ''You sound like you're leaving.''

''That's the plan, Morg,'' I tell her, not wanting to lie to her or beat around the bush.

''You mean, like, for a longer time?''

''Everyone could use a fresh start sometimes, you know? Kind of like what New York's been for you when you started school.''

''Yeah, but I hated New York,'' she grumbles, ''And school.''

I chuckle, ''Well, you don't anymore. Or do you, grumpy?''

''It's okay, I guess,'' she says with a shrug, ''Does that mean I won't see you anymore?''

''For a while, at least,'' I tell her.

''But who's gonna protect me then?'' she asks cleverly.

''From what?'' I laugh out loud, ''Even if there was something to protect you from, and even if Uncle Rhodey didn't have an eye on you 24/7, you practically have the whole of the Avengers on your speed-dial!''

''Yes, but I don't want Uncle Rhodey or the Avengers,'' she says, ''I want you and Peter. Daddy always said I could count on you and Peter.''

A familiar sting in my heart. I ignore it.

''And he was right,'' I say, ''Tell you what - I'll give you a special number. One I don't just give to anybody, okay? You can call me and reach me any time you want.''

''Okay,'' she says, ''But what about your brother?''

The question punches air out of my lungs. How does she know? And how much can an almost nine-year-old understand?

''I-''

''Will you give up looking for him?''

''Morgan, it's... complicated.''

''It's not, really,'' she says, ''You're just gonna leave everyone. As you said, I'll be fine. But what about Matt? What if he's waiting somewhere, for you to find him?''

''Morg, it's been three years,'' I explain to her, ''Wherever he is, chances are- Well, it's not likely that I can find him.''

''Of course you can,'' she says, ''Daddy always said you and Peter are the most stubborn people he's ever met. Uncle Rhodey says so too.''

''Does he, now,'' I can't help but laugh.

''And just because you haven't been able to find him so far doesn't mean you can't,'' she says, ''It just means you need a different plan. Like, a strategy.''

''Good God, kid,'' I sigh, burying my face into my hands to rub the frustration out of it, ''Why'd you have to be so smart?''

''I'm just saying,'' she shrugs, ''If you leave, you're, like, abandoning all of us.''

That right there is Pepper talking, not Tony. Morgan looks like Tony, and she's gonna have twice his brain by the time she grows up, and yeah, she can be one hell of a little shit - but her heart and loyalty and strength and compassion and want of fellowship and unbridled love? They're all her mother's.

I didn't think this through. I shouldn't have come here. Leaving everyone in this world would be a piece of cake - everyone, except her.

''Fine, you win,'' I grumble, ''I'm gonna go take a shower. I want you scooted over when I'm back and I want that Stormtrooper helmet in the deepest dungeon.''

Morgan giggles and jumps out of bed excitedly, instantly going for the prop.

How will I ever leave this girl?