The email was far more boring than you anticipated: the wording was awful, and the structure was careless. But it did sound like Ava when she was terribly drunk and upset, which was fucking hilarious.
What are you going to do? Marcus asked tentatively. After all these years, he was still afraid of you.
Shoot something, you told Marcus then hung up the phone.
//
The feeling hadn't sunk in until you saw Ava playing with Barry and Cara in your yard from the balcony. She looked carefree and content. Without wearing a bra, her nipples are visible through her white t-shirt. This woman has no shame, you thought. And you wept briefly in your room.
//
Ava was once again begging you to do something experimental for the show. She was too loud and too much, and you thought about tearing her apart. She was no longer trustworthy: you had shown her what you were and yet somehow she was determined to be a spoiled creature. You could use this as a material for your joke.
You have no idea what that means, you spat. Ava was dumbstruck. The wig suddenly felt itchy on your head—a comic relief you didn't see coming. You will not take a risk for me, will you? you continued. Instead of sarcastic, you sounded defeated. You wanted her to leave you alone, but your hands were trembling and Ava was reaching for them.
Yes I will, Ava said softly. I will do anything for you. Maybe she was lying. Maybe she was doing it for the show. Maybe it's the atmosphere that made her say so.
She was devastated when you placed your hand on her cheek. She was searching for something on your face. Then she buried her lips in your palm and whispered, Use me. So you leaned in.
She seemed to be infatuated with what you could offer, and you knew she almost said the word.
//
You were being kissed on the sofa. Ava acted as if she was in love with you. Or was she? You didn't know what to think. You felt both cold and warm as Ava covered her body over yours. Her underbelly was soft, pressing against your crotch. It didn't feel right and it didn't feel wrong either.
Ava kissed you like an animal. You tasted the words from that email on her tongue and immediately bit her. Ava whimpered in your mouth.
D! she whined, looking all innocent in tears while blood was oozing from her lip.
Oh, Ava. You really are cruel, you said before leaving a kiss on her forehead.
Will you let me explain? she asked but didn't pull away. There was a lump in your throat so you shook your head. Will you let me stay? she asked both hopefully and shamelessly. You wanted to scream and tell her to fuck off, but you were also weary.
Yes, you replied. Ava's blood stained your collar.
//
You watched Ava treading in your pool. She only knew how to float; hadn't learnt to be any good. You imagined finding her drowning in your pool and you didn't feel guilty.
She was getting closer. You squinted in the sunlight, wondering if you should abandon her here. You kept Ava because you wanted to prove what she wrote in her email wrong, and now you were simply fed up with your hubris.
She finally got to you at the poolside. She bobbed up and down in front of you as though she was excited. Get inside with me, she coaxed. She grabbed you gently on your ankle. You noticed that she was distracted by your nail polish so you wiggled your toes.
I'm not in the mood for swimming, you said.
Then stay here and never stop looking at me, she said.
//
You had come to the point where you gave up hurting each other on purpose and decided to live with the wounds that wouldn't heal or healed too slowly. Lying in an unacceptable position, the one you would regret later, you had Ava use your chest as a pillow and tried to take a nap.
It was an ordinary afternoon. The air was filled with the smell of fertilizer. Indistinctly, you heard dog barks and the noise of the vacuum cleaner. Ava was already snoring. You ran your fingers through her hair damp from pool water. The radio on the tea table was playing some trashy pop music which Ava would love to sing along to; however you just couldn't recognize the song.