"You're okay-"
He was drowning, he was drowning and being pulled further down, cold water surrounding him as if he was on the Valkyrie all over again. He could hear the ice breaking under the impact of the gigantic ship, heard the window before him, shatter and water rush in, hitting him, surrounding him, drowning him.
God, he couldn't breathe.
-Breathe. Just breathe."
The voice sounded like it came from above the surface, he looked up but could only see the vague outlines of the ship's ceiling. He swam up, hoping to find a bubble of air somewhere, a hole in the hard, cold metal, an escape. though he was only met with the walls of the ship.
And it was so cold, god it was so cold. His muscles started cramping, pulling together and refusing to move any more. He slowly started sinking again, being thrown around by the water filling up the entire ship, lungs slowly starting to ache, though for now, he remained alright because he knew that as soon as he tried to breathe water would fill his lungs.
"-Open your eyes. Come back. "
The voice sounded more clear now, the dark consuming him fading slightly. Though the shaking continued, and the water drew him in deeper. And his lungs hurt like nothing he'd ever felt before. And he was going to die. God, he was going to die.
"It's okay. It's over now. You're okay. "
There it was again. Something about the voice seemed familiar. Comforting. Like one of an old friend, though he couldn't quite pinpoint who it belonged to.
Suddenly the cold became a little less cold, something touching his shoulder at the exact time he couldn't bear it anymore and he opened his mouth to try and breathe, expecting water to fill his lungs, to drown his entire being from both the in and outside. Though he was met with fresh air instead of salty water. And he heaved heavily, taking in large breaths as he closed his eyes for a moment.
He knew the voice.
"Wake up. Please wake up."
Tony.
He opened his eyes again to be greeted with their tiled kitchen floor instead of the walls of the Valkerie. Was met by a hand on his shoulder and his crying husband by his side instead of the feeling of his lungs collapsing and the helplessness that had made it hard to think.
The said man was trembling just as heavily as Steve himself, eyes shut tightly, tears running down his reddened cheeks as he continued speaking, not aware yet of Steve having snapped out of it.
"Don't do this to me. Please wake up. Don't do this to me."
It was heartbreaking to see him so panicked. But his muscles had not fully started working yet and all he could do was focus on his breathing, still taking big breaths, large gulps of air filling his lungs as if he had been suffocating for hours on end. The trembling perhaps lessening but not going away fully just yet.
After a minute or so he finally was able to form words again, mouth dry and throat feeling like sandpaper as he carefully moved his head a bit, his lover wincing at the movement, probably thinking it was another bit of the flashback he was having.
"Tones..."
Tony's head snapped up at that, eyes searching Steve's own, shoulders finally sagging as they made eye contact.
Both of them had tears running down their cheeks and were breathing heavily.
But it was fine now. Because Tony smiled at him weakly before shifting a bit, wrapping his arms around Steve's torso and pulling the man close.
And it was fine now. Because Steve buried his head into Tony's chest and inhaled the familiar scent that now surrounded him. It keeping him grounded. Telling him that they were safe. That the Valkyrie was long gone, left in the Antartic ice.
And the only thing that was left was Tony's heartbeat hammering against his chest and the slow steady hum of the arc reactor, unnoticeable to most, his enhanced hearing barely able to pick it up.
"I love you so much," Tony mumbled as Steve tightened his grip around his husband slightly with one arm as the other let loose, searching for one of Tony's own and tangling their fingers together as soon as he had found it.
As they both calmed down slowly his fingers played with the wedding ring around his husbands ring finger, the gold band warm from being worn.
"I love you too dear. And I'm sorry. So sorry"
He sighed before he sat up, combing his hand through his hair, it looking oily and falling in strands around his face where it hadn't been pushed back with enough product, the tears that had threatened to spill the entire time he had watched now rolling freely as he hopped down from the counter he had been sitting on, a small part of it turning blue from the movement before returning to the black granite it had represented just before that.
He stood, his back facing the place he had watched so closely just a moment ago.
This was supposed to help him. Help him move on and make sure he doesn't wake up screaming his husband's name to the cold and empty bedroom he found himself in. With sheets that no longer held his scent as many months had passed since he had slept under them.
"I love you..."
Steve waved his hand through the air as he walked towards the door, watching as a teardrop that had fallen down his chin splashed on the floor, creating a white spot on the normally wooden flooring.
"Please, come back."
Around him everything faded to white, the pixels that had made the scene before him appear out of thin air turning blue before disappearing completely.
As his surroundings faded, so did the two people still sat on the floor wrapped up in each other's arms.
The younger, happier version of him had let the other mother him for a bit, enjoying the heat his husband seemed to radiate which he never got enough of.
He was always cold these days
The pair sat on the floor froze as if somebody had hit pause before they slowly dissolved into nothingness and all that was left was a white room, the furniture that had been present now simple white blocks.
Steve silently exited the room, the seethrough door having the letters B.A.R.F. painted on it in black bold font.
He went up to the bedroom again, ignoring the looks he got from the people passing him in the hallway that the binarily augmented retro framing device was located in.
Some stared because he was still seen as Captain America, the nations golden boy.
Other because he was wearing an oversized Stark industry hoodie and sweatpants, the 5 o clock shadow on his normally clean-shaven jaw and the hood he had put on. Because of the way he seemed to be carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders and tears refused to stop streaming down his cheeks.
And very few avoided eye contact altogether. Turned their head down or towards a wall, everything to not face him. Because those few had higher ranks or had overheard some conversations that weren't meant for them.
And those few knew that he could've gone instead. He could have been the one that now had a portrait of himself hung on the wall of the entrance hall, the big glass letters that were lit up once it got darker in the room spelling out 'In remembrance'
Yes, he should've gone instead. But he went to the bedroom. Their bedroom. And laid down on Tony's side of the bed. Hating that the sheets were changed each weak and that his husband's scent was long washed out of them.
Hated that the voice that greeted him in the morning wasn't ruff from sleep. Hated that he woke up to an empty bed and an empty room with sheets that didn't smell like they were supposed to before he got up to walk through the same hallways again. Opening the door that leads to the white room and watched as his memories materialised in front of him. How he materialised in front of him.
And that's where the found him, a few months later.
The shell of the man he used to be, the serum keeping most of his muscle mass intact but still looking awfully thin, lips dry and broken as if he hadn't drunk anything in days, the last memory he had ordered the machine to show still around him, it stuck in an endless loop that relayed and replayed and replayed.
'Steve I'm so sorry I love you. We have to bring them back.'
'Tony what are you- wait- Tony no. No. NO TONY-'
The sentence was cut off by an explosion of light that painted the entire world white, the only thing visible was the small figure falling from the sky, armour melted to his skin, no hulk or Thor or anybody there to catch him this time as he fell and fell and fell.
And as Natascha entered the room the memory faded away. All that was left was Steve Grand Rogers, sat against the white rooms wall, eyes unseeing, head tilted to the place his husband had fallen from the sky many times before Captain America his insufferable body gave in to the two bottles of painkillers and alcohol he'd drank.
It took them minutes to unclench his hand until, after a while of trying to do just that, two wedding rings rolled out of his palm and onto the floor. One intact and clean. The other melted beyond recognition, the word 'together' that was engraved in the inside of it the only thing that still shone clear.