Tony really tried not to feel guilty as he watched Bucky head towards the guest room, before making his way upstairs to the master suite. Happy and Rhodey were still downstairs, likely planning to crash on the couches in the living room tonight, while Peter and May were in the other guest room. It had been a tearful reunion for all of them, and though he knew they had to have a lot of questions, none had been answered that afternoon. He would need to give them something soon, but for the moment, they were just happy he was alive and weren’t pushing for more.
He had caught Pepper’s questioning and concerned looks and knew that she probably had an idea, but she hadn’t said anything all afternoon.
She wasn’t saying anything now. Tony could feel her focused gaze as he shed his clothes and put on a pair of sweats and an old MIT t-shirt. He slipped into the bed next to her and pulled the sheets up to his chest, suddenly finding it hard to breathe as the weight of recent events crashed over him.
Pepper snaked an arm across his waist and pressed her forehead into his shoulder blade, offering what comfort she could. “He’s dead, isn’t he,” she whispered, words filled with grief.
She felt his nod, and then Tony flipped over to face her. His own expression was filled with all the guilt he had tried to repress. “The stone offered him a choice, Pep. He could have said no, but he chose to send me back instead.” He sounded like he couldn’t quite believe it, even though he knew, rationally, that it was the only choice Steve would have made in that position, every fucking time. Damn self-sacrificing idiot.
Pepper sniffed, meeting his tortured gaze with her own tearful one. “He loved you, Tony,” she said softly. Tony grimaced, and Pepper shook her head. “You were like a brother to him. He loved you, and he loved me and Morgan too much to not do something if he knew it was possible.”
Tony sighed and looked away. He knew this, rationally. He knew the kind of man Steve was, and he knew how much the soldier out of time valued his friends. But knowing didn’t make it any easier to live with. “How do I tell Morgan?” he asked desperately. “How do I tell her Uncle Steve’s never coming back?”
Pepper’s arm tightened around his waist. “Together,” she said firmly.
Tony’s eyes suddenly and inexplicably filled with tears as he recalled the same word said with the same determination and fervor years ago as they fought side by side to save Sokovia from Tony’s mistake. God, Steve had always believed that if they stuck together, the Avengers really could save everyone and solve everything. And he had let his own guilt and fear tear them apart at the worst possible time.
Sure, they had hashed it all out years ago, and both Tony and Steve knew that neither of them was blameless, but Steve wasn’t here to share the burden anymore.
“Tony?” Pepper’s panicked voice cut through his harsh breathing, and the newly resurrected hero forced himself to calm down.
“Sorry,” he muttered, but didn’t offer up an explanation.
Pepper frowned but didn’t force the issue. “Morgan will be sad, but we’ll help her get through this.”
“It’s my fault, Pep,” Tony argued. “I mean, it’s not like I had a say in the matter, and I would never have let him do this if I had, but at the end of the day what it comes down to is that he traded his life for mine. How do I live with that?”
“Honor his legacy,” Pepper’s voice was steely and determined. “I swear to God, Tony, if you squander what he gave you, I will never forgive you.” Tony blinked, surprised at the vehemence in his wife’s tone. Pepper glared. “You will not let this guilt consume you. I’ve seen what happens when you decide you’ve given up. You have far more to lose now, and if I even suspect that you’re heading in that direction, Morgan and I are gone.”
Tony shook his head quickly. He would never risk his family. He knew he hadn’t always handled stress and pressure well in the past, but with lots of help from Pepper, Happy, Rhodey, and the Avengers, he had been able to change. “I promise,” he assured her.
Pepper’s expression fractured, and she leaned forward, crying into his shoulder as she let her own grief for their loss show. Tony wrapped his arms around her and let her cry, feeling his own tears begin to leak out, unable to hold them back anymore.
Tony knew that Pepper and Steve had gotten closer in the five years between snaps, but he was still somewhat in the dark about the last two weeks, and for Pepper, Steve had been one of the only reasons she had gotten this far at all. She really hadn’t been coping well, so Steve – with help from Happy and to a lesser extent Bucky – had made sure Morgan had been taken care of, keeping her busy and handling many of the tantrums and crying fits the young girl had had since her father’s death. Pepper wanted to be there, but she just couldn’t deal with it on top of losing her husband. She hated herself for even thinking it, but new waves of grief washed over her every time she looked at the four-year-old – Morgan looked so much like her dad.
Steve had been a godsend, making sure the child was dressed and fed every morning, keeping her entertained throughout the day, generally seeing to her every need and whim. Steve was such a devoted uncle.
How did they move on from this? How could they explain to Morgan that she had her dad again, but not her uncle? How could they tell her that she could only have one or the other, never again have both?
Questions and despair clogged the air as both heroes dropped off to an uneasy sleep.
XXX
“Where’s Uncle Steve?”
The question sounded out innocently from Morgan’s booster seat at the breakfast table the next morning.
All around the room, adults stopped what they were doing and turned to look at the girl.
Bucky’s expression froze briefly, before he blinked and forced himself to loosen his grip on the fork he was in danger of bending into an unrecognizable shape.
Happy and Rhodey looked from Morgan to Tony, their expressions giving away their own curiosity. They knew that something had happened yesterday, some reason why Steve hadn’t returned but Tony had, but they hadn’t asked.
Pepper shot Tony a panicked look from her position by the stove cooking pancakes, and Tony grimaced from behind his cup of coffee but dutifully set the mug down and turned to face his daughter.
It was just the six of them left; Peter and May had departed early, May wanting to get Peter back to their lives – the last few weeks had seen the world attempting to pick up and move on with the sudden return of half its population, and that meant that many schools were starting back up again. Peter had to return to class, as much as he wished he could just stay in the superhero world forever. They would return for the weekend – Peter really wanted to continue getting to know his new little sister – but for the time being, he had to be a regular high schooler again.
“Maguna…” Tony trailed off, not sure how to start.
Morgan frowned at her father. Why didn’t he want to tell her? She had just seen Uncle Steve yesterday at breakfast. Where could he have gone?
Pepper set the pan of pancakes aside and took a seat on Morgan’s other side. “Uncle Steve had to go away, sweetie,” she tried to explain.
Morgan looked at her mother and smiled. “When will he be back?”
Pepper winced. “He’s not… he can’t come back. I mean –“
“Why not?” Morgan cut her off, confused. “Doesn’t he want to see me?”
“Of course he does,” Pepper rushed out. “He loved you so much, honey. But sometimes bad things happen to people, and even though we love them and they love us, we can’t see them anymore. Uncle Steve is gone, honey. He died. I’m so sorry.”
Morgan furrowed her brow. “But you said daddy was gone like that, and he’s back now. So when is Uncle Steve coming back?”
Tony winced. Damn it. He took Morgan’s little hand in his own. “I’m sorry Maguna, it doesn’t work like that.”
Morgan sniffed. “But Uncle Steve said that too, and then you came back.”
Bucky set his mangled fork down with far more force than was probably necessary, but it had the benefit of drawing every eye to him. He was only focused on Morgan though. His expression was pained but there was an undercurrent of understanding behind his gaze. “Steve loved you, Morgan,” he said firmly without a hint of doubt. “He knew how much you missed your dad and he had a chance to change that. He wanted more than anything to bring your dad back for you, but it meant that he had to go away instead. He never hesitated, Morgan. He would do anything for you.” Some of that was probably conjecture, but Bucky knew Steve well enough to know that it was more than likely true. That whole soul for a soul thing was pretty self-explanatory, and his goddamn self-sacrificial best friend would do anything up to and including throwing his life away if it meant saving someone else, without question.
Morgan’s eyes filled with tears as she looked from her new Uncle Bucky to her dad. Tony grimaced but nodded sadly. “I’m so sorry Maguna.”
Morgan started crying in earnest now, but Tony couldn’t force himself to move to comfort her. He was responsible for this. Pepper swooped in and picked the child up, taking her upstairs and leaving Tony to deal with everyone else.
Bucky glanced down at his fork, for the first time realizing how badly misshapen it was. Oops.
Rhodey frowned in Tony’s direction. “Is that really true?” he asked curiously. Sure, he had figured there had to be some reason why Tony was alive and why Steve had suddenly disappeared, but he hadn’t really thought about the specifics. If he had had to imagine a scenario, he might have considered Steve getting Tony from an alternate reality now that they knew those existed, or maybe trading him for the soul stone, sending him back to the future, and then then disappearing into the past. Rhodey knew that Steve still missed his friends from the forties, the girl he was in love with, an era long gone by the time he had been awoken from the ice. It had been kind of obvious before their split years earlier, and even more so in the last five years, but Steve had never felt comfortable in this time. Sure, he had learned to use the technology, and acted all adjusted, but he never quite fit in the same way those who had been born in this era had.
Happy just looked confused. He wasn’t exactly close to the Star Spangled Man with a Plan, but he had gotten to know him over the years, especially the last five years with both of them being honorary uncles to the newest member of the Stark family.
Tony sighed and slumped in his seat. His gaze remained fixed on the table in front of him. “The stone offered him a trade,” he said grimly. “And the self-sacrificing idiot just jumped all over it. He told whatever that stone thing is to send me back and take him instead. Asshole.”
Bucky snorted, reminded of their own conversation the day before. It really was impressive the way Steve could draw such positive and negative emotions in the same breath.
Well, shit,” Rhodey breathed, eyes wide. He looked at Bucky briefly, concerned, but when the former Winter Soldier just offered him a shrug and a grimace, he figured that at the very least, he had come to terms with it and they wouldn’t need to worry about an ex assassin going on a rampage.
Tony rubbed a hand wearily across his face. “We have to tell everyone,” he said quietly. “And… shit, can we tell people Captain America is dead? There would be riots.”
They all knew it was true. Bucky hadn’t been there the last five years, but the rest of them remembered how much Steve had done as Captain America to assure the world that they would get through this devastation. Captain America was a symbol of hope. What would it do to the country and the world if, in this crucial moment, that hope suddenly vanished?
“He’s gone, Stark,” Bucky glowered. “They’ll just have to deal with it.”
“I’m not so sure,” Rhodey admitted. “Tony’s right, especially right now. People are trying to rebuild and move forward, and the last time they had to do that, it was Captain America who inspired them to work together and make it happen. He can’t die. People need that shield.”
“The shield’s gone,” Bucky retorted, eyes ice cold like the winter assassin he was named. Steve was dead and these fuckers were actually thinking about what losing Captain America would do to the world? “Thanos destroyed it.”
“We can make another one,” Tony mused. “Vibranium’s much easier to come by now that we have the king of Wakanda on speed dial.”
“And then what?” Bucky seethed, “give some average Joe a weapon and tell him to pretend to be Captain America? There’s only one Captain, and he’s dead.”
“Not some average Joe,” Tony countered, eyes lighting on the possibility.
Bucky frowned, confused at the looks Stark and now Rhodey were giving him. They couldn’t mean… “I’m an assassin. I’m not a hero.”
Tony rolled his eyes. “Cut the bullshit Barnes. You haven’t been the Winter Soldier in years, even if you take out the time you spent as a dust pile. You were a hero when you fought alongside Captain America in the forties, you were a hero when you went to Siberia with him to try and stop Zemo, and you were a hero when you faced off against Thanos and his armies. There’s only one person Steve would want to see carry the shield after him, and it ain’t me, pal.”
Rhodey was nodding his agreement, and Happy just remained silent, recognizing that he wasn’t part of this conversation. He had spent many years at Tony’s side, but he wasn’t a superhero.
Bucky shook his head, eyes wide. “I can’t do what Steve did,” he whispered.
“No one can,” Tony admitted ruefully. “But we’re not asking you to be Steve. What the world needs is Captain America, and I think you can do that. You can help people in the same way without actually being the guy.”
“Think about it,” Rhodey advised. “I’m sorry we’re bringing all this up right now, but we do need to talk about it, and we’ll need to work out some sort of plan. You don’t need to make up your mind right now, but at least promise us you’ll consider it.” He bit his lip, looking far from the confident Air Force Colonel/War Machine he truly was. “Look, I liked Steve. He was a really good guy, even if we all had our issues before Thanos. Even when I kind of hated him for hurting Tony – and yeah, I get that that whole shit show was on a lot of people not just him but I still kind of hated him for it – I always admired the guy. It’s not an easy act to follow and Barnes, I know what we’re asking you to do. If you decide not to, I’ll understand. And I’ll do whatever it takes to stop the government, whatever iteration of SHIELD still exists, and whoever else from forcing that mantle onto anyone else because Tony’s right. It’s you, or it’s no one. And if you decide not to, no one will blame you.”
Hesitantly, Bucky nodded, and silently left the room.
Tony waited until he heard the door slam and Bucky’s footsteps sound across the porch outside, before he slumped in his seat, resting his arms on the table and burrowing his head in them.
“Tony?” Happy’s finally spoke, now that the superhero stuff had been set aside.
Tony shook his head, not looking up. “This is so screwed up,” he groaned, voice muffled by his arms.
Happy frowned and took a seat next to his employer and friend. Rhodey sat down on Tony’s other side.
Tony looked up a moment later, eyes red from tears he refused to shed. He had gotten his crying out last night, and there was nothing he could do but try and move forward and, as Pepper had said, honor the legacy Steve had left behind. Honor the sacrifice he had made. Be the best father, husband, friend, and superhero he could be. “I’m fine,” he answered the unspoken question.
Happy just raised a skeptical eyebrow, but Rhodey shook his head in disbelief. “You’re not, Tony. None of us are and we probably won’t be for a while. Steve was our friend.”
Tony shook his head, letting out a long breath of air. “He always put himself up as so confident and sure, you know? Like he was always going to be the dependable one, the guy everyone could rely on. He never doubted himself. But he did, didn’t he.” Rhodey frowned but offered a small twitch of the fingers, inviting Tony to continue, which he did after another moment of silence. “It wasn’t just that Steve was uncomfortable here, right? I call him self-sacrificing, but really it was more like a self-worth problem. Idiot never thought he deserved to be as happy as the rest of us. I never really understood why, but I think it had something to do with guilt – letting Barnes fall off that train, maybe leaving all his friends behind when he crashed that plane, I don’t know. What I do know is that he honestly thought that my life was worth more than his, and how do I live with that? After everything I’ve done, all the shit I’ve pulled, all the shit I put him through, and he still thought that I was more important?”
“You were his friend.” It was all Rhodey could offer, empty condolences that did nothing to help.
“And he didn’t think that maybe I wanted him to live too?” Tony shot back, glaring at his oldest friend. “He didn’t think that maybe I made a choice too, and that right or wrong it should have been my decision?”
“He wanted you to go home to your family, Tony,” Rhodey’s voice was calm and reassuring. “He saw how much Pepper was struggling, he saw how sad Morgan and Peter were, and he hated that even as a superhero, he couldn’t fix it. Because they didn’t want him. They just wanted you.”
“But I want him,” Tony whispered. “I want him to be here to help me figure out how to be a father, and to intimidate any boy who even thinks of looking at my daughter. I want him to be here to see me put aside all the anger and issues and actually try to be friends with his winter soldier assassin buddy. This isn’t right!” he slammed his fist down on the table and glared at Rhodey. “We talk about how the world needs Captain America, but Barnes is right too – no one could be Captain America like Steve. It’s not the same.”
“It won’t be,” Rhodey agreed. “If Barnes agrees, he won’t be Steve’s Cap. And I don’t think he’d ever try to be. Steve Rogers was a good hero, and a great man. He saw the good in the world, and though I thought it seemed a little naïve at times, I think I understand it now – just because he saw the good in people didn’t mean he was blind to their faults or that he couldn’t understand the shades of gray. He just wanted to help people be the best version of themselves, and I think he succeeded.”
Tony let out a weak chuckle. “He definitely succeeded.” His gaze grew wistful. “Over a decade ago I told him everything special about him came out of a bottle, and I never apologized for that. He never brought it up and I let myself think he had forgotten, but the guy had a photographic memory; he couldn’t forget if he tried. So I told myself that he had chosen to ignore it, or that he just knew I didn’t mean it.” He rubbed a hand across his face. “Fuck, I should have apologized. The serum only enhanced what was already there, Steve Rogers is what made Captain America a hero. You’re right, Rhodey, he always chose to believe the best in people. No matter what our issues were, or how far we drifted, he never stopped trusting me, even after everything.”
Rhodey nodded understandingly. “That dinosaur phone?” He had been there when the package had been dropped off.
Tony snorted. “Steve might have been from a different century but he definitely understood technology better than I gave him credit for. He knew that I could have easily tracked him down using that phone and the number he left in it. But he trusted that I wouldn’t. He trusted me to keep him and his little band of rogues safe from Ross and the assholes in charge.” Tony grimaced. “Man what was I thinking working with that idiot? Please tell me he’s not back in any position of authority.”
Even saving the universe had to have some drawbacks, and one of those was that Thaddeus Ross had been saved as well.
Rhodey shook his head amusedly. “Currently enjoying the comfort of a United States prison. He made the mistake of trying to break into the White House after the President refused to see him.”
Tony laughed. “Well, it’s not the Raft, but it’ll do.”
Rhodey cleared his throat. “Also, in the interest of full disclosure I should tell you that Natasha and Steve had that number he left you routed through so many IPs and fake cell towers, you probably wouldn’t have been able to actually track them down. At the very least, it would have taken you long enough for them to get away clean.”
“Huh.” That actually made Tony feel a little better, interestingly enough. “I’m kind of glad they took some precautions, but it doesn’t change the fact that he trusted me to have a way to get in touch with him at all. I could have easily set up a fake call for help and had him captured on arrival.”
“He knew you’d never do that.”
“Yeah,” Tony groaned and stood up. They probably had a lot of things they needed to do now, people to contact, statements to work out… his mind started trying to come up with a list to organize all the details. Shit, how did one go about reversing a declaration of death?
Rhodey and Happy stood as well. “I’ll contact the hero crowd,” Rhodey offered. “Get everyone out here in a few days. We can’t tell them over the phone, and we can’t let them find out through anyone else.”
Tony nodded stoically, grateful for Rhodey’s offer. Not that he could really contact anyone without a whole shitload of questions but he appreciated his friend making the overture all the same.
They separated in silence, Rhodey going to do exactly what he said, Happy moving to the kitchen to start cleaning up the remains of the uneaten breakfast, and Tony headed upstairs to see if his wife needed any help.
He felt completely drained just from telling the people here about what had happened, the thought of telling everyone else made him feel like passing out. How did he begin to honor this kind of sacrifice? How did he help his little girl get over losing yet another person in her life?
Tony stopped in the doorway and watched Pepper soothe their daughter’s heavy sobs into quieter hiccups and sniffles. He felt like an intruder in his own home. Pepper looked up, eyes glassy, expression helpless. She felt just as lost as he did.
Morgan shuddered and peeked out around her mom’s protective embrace. Tony braced himself to for a hateful glare and accusing words. But Morgan’s sorrowful stare just latched onto his own.
“Daddy,” she whispered, reaching for him as the sobs started anew.
Tony moved forward quickly, settling on her other side. One hand rested comfortably on Morgan’s small arm, while the other snaked around Pepper’s back, pulling them both closer.
This was how he did it, his mind offered as he watched Morgan’s eyes droop, tiredness overwhelming the sadness for now, even though it was only midmorning and Morgan had only been awake for a couple hours. This was how he lived with it. Honor, duty, sacrifice – core tenets of the United States Army. Principles and beliefs that Steve Rogers had embodied wholeheartedly, a born soldier before he had ever become a Captain.
It didn’t need to be on as grand a scale as Captain America, but Tony could strive to reach those ideals every day here with his own family. Steve had given his life so that Tony could have a lifetime of moments like this, comforting his daughter, tucking her in, being there to wipe away the tears or share in her joys.
The very least Tony owed the guy was to not fuck it up. He had never really told Steve that he considered the chronologically older but biologically younger man a brother. He had never told him that he was so, so grateful for everything the man had done for him, for Pepper and Morgan. He never told Steve that it was OK to feel out of touch with the world around him, and it didn’t make him any less valued or loved. He truly regretted never telling Steve any of the hundreds of things he wished he had, now that he no longer had the chance. Because Steve was his family, and he thought the man had known that, but he had never actually said the words. The world might mourn Captain America – and Tony really didn’t hold out much hope that Barnes would actually agree with his and Rhodey’s crazy idea – but he would forever miss Steve Rogers, the guy who never backed down from a fight, who so stupidly clung to his ideals and beliefs even when logic dictated that he should give up, and then somehow always seemed to be right in the end. It annoyed Tony to no end, but it was secretly something he really admired about the guy.
(But God damn it sometimes he really just wanted to punch the asshole in his perfect teeth).