Bonding and Binders

"Have you told the team yet?"
"Pardon me?"

They were sitting on the balcony, Tony having been awoken by Friday telling him that Peter was up and about while the clock showed him that it was 3 in the morning. After a sigh -he himself hadn't been able to sleep either as Pepper was not currently curled up against his back keeping the nightmares away but somewhere in Indonesia- and stepped out of bed.

Pepper was in Indonesia discussing the next steps that part of the company should take towards their current goal: making the arc reactor energy less expensive to provide everyone with cleaner energy.

Of course, that was more important than her being his form of a nightlight. Didn't mean he had to like it though.

So he had gotten up, bare feet padding quietly against the cold flooring as he walked towards the glass doors that were swung wide open, a lonely silhouette sitting on the ledge that had originally just been a stylish choice, though it now having pillows and such on it as it was used quite a lot.

And there they sat.

He supposed Peters curiosity combined with the knowledge of him being transgender, adding the teams seeming unawareness about the topic, was enough for Peter to simply have to ask.

that didn't make it any less hard or awkward to answer though.

"They don't know. I think the only one that has seen me shirtless is Bruce and he didn't seem to notice. The rest of them don't have a clue either which is quite hilarious seeing as it was quite the scandal back in the day.
But then again, Howard coveted it up miraculously, The sister I never had, had died and I myself was a kid that a woman left at their house one morning. I wasn't allowed out for four months because my appearance hadn't changed enough for it to be convincing. "

He looked over, seeing Peter had gotten a bit pale at the mentioning of Tony's dad and the story attached to the name.
Thinking back on it, the kid had probably been told the whole sob story by Natascha who was the only one able to access the original file S.H.I.E.L.D had on him, or he had done extensive research and had connected the many loose dots as a few other superfans had done.

"Sorry for getting all depressing on ya kid." He said instead, changing the blank stare into a smile and clapping Peter on the back awkwardly.

"But no, haven't told them, probably should and probably will now that I know they're all a-okay with it."

Peter nodded, absently running his hands over his chest, a tic he'd picked up quickly after the whole ordeal with Loki and her magic binder powers. When he asked about it the kid replied saying it lessened his dysphoria on days that it was high and he couldn't seem to remember that it was now almost permanently flat.

"You don't have to tell them, Mr Stark. But it might help them understand you a bit better and you might have a bit more freedom to talk about it if you do."

Tony nodded, once again baffled about the wisdom this eighteen-year-old kid seemed to possess.

"I'll tell them, kid. Now come on, let's get you back to bed, I'll stay in your room if you want to."

Peter smiled and got up from the ledge.
They didn't talk about the reason he would stay there and watch over the kid because it had shown to help with the nightmares. Didn't talk about how Tony had found him shaking and staring blankly out over the city, shoulders hunched over as if the pieces of concrete that had crashed down on him were still there.

Tony didn't talk about his traumas, and Peter seemed content not doing so either. So they didn't, the older man just providing comfort whenever Peter seemed shaken or asked for it, distracting him from the memories with small talk.

As they got back to Peters room and Tony had settled in the slightly uncomfortable chair after throwing the mountain of clothes off of it, they bid each other goodnight, the engineer knowing full well that he wouldn't sleep at all and that his back would hurt like hell if he did, though not minding it as he saw how Peter seemed to relax into the pillows.

He'd tell the team, they'd just have to deal with it.

It's not like anything would change.

-

"Why the team meeting?"
"Man, why the hell did I have to wake up from my nap?"

The team sat around the same table they'd been told about the accords on, Thor having left Loki in the new Asgard this time and the thunder god himself looking as if he wanted to go back as quickly as possible, Natasha, Barnes and Steve in their gym clothes looking as if they'd just ran three marathons, Bruce in sweatpants looking like the only one happy to hear his friend out and Clint staring at him as if he'd murder Tony if whatever he was about to say wouldn't be worthy of waking him up for.

They'd lived in the same four walls again for over three years and yet he was still awfully uncomfortable whenever any of them seemed displeased.

He'd promised Peter he'd tell them though.
And Tony Stark a lot of things, but a quitter wasn't one of them.

"So you all remember the whole ordeal with Peter we had last week right? Might be a bit foggy as 7 days is a long time but I'm sure you all remember..."

Bruce snickered while Clint just rolled his eyes in a way that simply screamed 'I don't have enough coffee in me to deal with your bullshit'.

Well then.
Here goes nothing.

"Well, as we've all established that you're all cool people who don't care about all that I decided that I might as well tell you all."

Bruce seemed to be the only one who realised what Tony was about to say. Eyes widening a bit though smiling at his friend to show that it wasn't a big deal, that he could tell them, that it was alright.

" So when I was born they named me Natascha, I know nat, twinsies. I knew that wasn't me when I was around 15 and Howard did a great job at covering it up and all. But I thought you all deserved to know."

Saying the name felt weird as if he was talking about someone that didn't exist, someone that had passed away and he was now disrespecting. Though he'd thought that being as straight to the point as possible would help them understand a bit faster so Clint could go back to his nap and he could go downstairs and drown himself in work to forget this ever happened.

Thought it seemed it would take a little longer as he anticipated as three of his teammates jumped on their feet, the rest, minus Bruce, looking as if they were either going to ask a million questions or rip him apart right then and there.

"You're transgender?" Bruce asked. No judgement in his voice whatsoever, just a question to clear things up.

He couldn't recall the exact moment that everything exploded, though his best guess was that it started right after he nodded to confirm Bruce's question.

"And you didn't bother telling us until now?"
"We've known each other for over ten years, Tony, what the actual fuck"
"If this is a joke you're dead Stark."
"And here I was thinking you finally started trusting us but nooo."

He recoiled a bit, stepping back, back now flush against the wall, suddenly missing his shades that he hadn't worn inside the compound for over a year now.

"Guys calm down he's just-"
"Bruce he hid a major part of his life from us for over a decade, they're allowed to be upset with him."

Andddd there it was; Steve's voice changing from the soft gentle tone to the harsh demanding one he used while talking to the press or giving orders. The Captain America voice, as they'd started calling it, filled the room and took away space that oxygen would have normally filled, took away the space he needed to breathe properly.

He could do this though, they were kind to Peter, they'd be kind to him. They'd be kind to him they'd be kind to him they'd-

"This just proves he doesn't trust us. You know we've tried Tony, but you have your head so far up your ass that you can't seem to notice the actual effort we put into getting to know you."

See, he could try to excuse Clint for lashing out because he was mad about his nap, but the rest of them seemed just as upset, Steve positively fuming, Bucky just seeming confused thought slowly getting mad as a result of everyone around him being upset.

And whoop, there was the pain in his chest.

"Yeah, so you all seem upset, Clint, you can go back to your nap, you all go frolic along to whatever you were doing before okay? Okay. Good talk."

He walked towards the door quickly, keeping calm with his willpower alone and by promising himself that he wouldn't exit the lab for three days after this.

That is, he was doing that until someone grabbed his arm almost painfully tight.

" Tony, sit down, the conversation isn't done."

Steve. Right, yeah, okay. Stay calm. You can do this. Stay calm.

"My bad old man." your voice didn't break, good, keep that up, stay calm. Don't start hyperventilating here. Stay fucking calm.

He sat down now, tapping against his leg quickly under the table, for the first time in decades feeling the urge to hunch over to hide his chest, to hide his everything.

"So your name is Natascha?"
Ouch. Okay, he could do this, they didn't know a lot about it so it was only normal for them to ask these questions. He'd be fine. He'd be fine.

"My name is Tony. Here and on paper. I legally changed it years ago. But the name my parents gave me was Natascha yes."

"And you started wanting to be a male when you were 15, so years before we all met."

He nodded, nervous as he realised Steve's voice hadn't changed back to his normal one, the cold tone and cold eyes and cold everything making him want to crawl away even more.

" And you decided to only tell us this very important info now?"
"I mean it's not important for the missions so I didn't think-"
"you didn't think we'd get it? You really think we're that close minded?"

He twitched, nails digging into his own leg as the volume of Steve's voice rose to near shouting level at the end of the sentence.

"Friend Steve, I don't think this is the right approach to this situ-"
"Thor, if you do not like the way the situation is progressing then you can leave the room. Now Tony-"
The god recoiled as if he had been slapped, Steve's harsh words never before having been directed at him making for him quickly getting to his feet, giving Tony an apologetic smile before leaving the room.

" - I don't understand how you can have your head so far up your ass to not understand that we are trying to form an actual normal friendship with you. But since you make it so impossible for us to do so, we might as well not even try."

"Steve" Bruce warned, looking from Tony to Steve and back to Tony, watching with growing anger as his friend seemed to be on the edge of a panic attack, something he hadn't had in months, and his other friend just made it worse and worse.

Steve didn't seem to notice though. That, or he simply didn't care.

"You know we might as well throw you out, make you go back to one of your mansions, it's not like you'd care enough to stay. As long as you have your fucking Robo friends and your AI you couldn't care less, could you?"

"Steve," Bruce said it louder now, more urgent, fists clenched and jaw set tight.
"Hey Steve, I think... I think that's enough"

Even Bucky spoke up now, looking at his best man in worry, glancing over at Tony every few seconds, the whole team seeming to realise how close to panic he was.

They weren't wrong.
Tony sat in the uncomfortable office chair as if frozen, wanting to desperately get up and get away but too scared to do so, eyes locked on Steve's as if, if he dared to look away, he'd explode.

Steve, seemingly getting every little annoyance and anger he'd had over Tony for the past two years out of his system, seemed as if he couldn't care less.

"Be honest, you'd rather just get rid of us all wouldn't you? You selfish fucking wanna-be man. Acting as if you're so much better then all of us while we'd all rather you just fucking disap-"
"STEVE."

The captain's jaw snapped shut in the middle of finishing the word, eyes widening in horror as if only now realising everything he'd said.

That didn't take it away though.

The room was deadly quiet as Tony gave a shaky nod, smiled once before he got up.

" Good talk. Bye everyone, cap," he said, before walking towards the door, opening and closing it quietly and leaving the whole team in silence for a solid minute before all hell broke loose.

"what the actual fuck was that Steve?"
"He opens up to us and you shoot him down right then and there."
"Did you see his face?"

At the last comment, everyone fell silent again, the pure panic just behind Tony's eyes had made even the two assassins uncomfortable. Bruce's neck the lightest tint of green as he clenched and unclenched his fists.

"We screwed this up royally."
"Oh, you think Steve?"

Bucky stared at his boyfriend as if he were an entirely different person, the shaky anger in his voice just minutes before was something he'd never heard before, something he didn't think Steve Grant Rogers was capable of.

"We have to go and apologise," Steve whispered, already walking towards the door, all of the others nodding and following him, Bruce the only one that stayed seated.

They wouldn't be able to get to him. He knew the way Tony had acted too well.
The lab would be locked and soundproof by now. The sobs that definitely wrecked his body by not able to be heard anywhere but inside of it.

Shit.

-

So, that hadn't gone well.

At fucking all.

He stumbled into the elevator, clawing at his chest as if to remind himself that nothing was there anymore. Though the phantom pain of the arc made him hiss as his scratch marks turned the untouched skin red and the scar tissue covering most of his chest seemed to hurt more.

They'd accepted it. They hadn't started calling him by his deadname.

So why the hell had it gone so wrong?

"Friday. Lab... Please, I need-lab Fri." the AI didn't respond, though the doors slid shut and with them he slid to the floor, clutching his head and trying to remember how to breathe.

But breathing was hard when a part of his lungs had been removed to fit the arc reactor.

And the suffocating feeling of not getting enough air reminded him of the cave and the water and the car battery and oh god.

The doors slid open again and he tried to hoist himself up to get to the lab, though he found he couldn't move, legs not working and shaking too heavily to even consider walking.

His body too weak.
His mind to loud.
Their voices too real.

"Fri shut-...the elevator, shut it down."

The noise of the elevator powering down made him relax a bit more knowing they wouldn't be able to get into his lab now.

He'd be alone.

All alone.

" Stark?"

His head snapped up, trying to focus his vision - when had he started crying? - on the person standing in the middle of his lab, moving loser rapidly.

"Tony, are you with me?"
Loki.

That was definitely Loki's voice.

"Stark, Thor called me, what did they do?"

"s'fine. 'm fine."
"Bullshit."

The harsh tone made him recoil again.
This shouldn't have gone wrong.
Why the hell did it go wrong?
Maybe Steve was right.

"Okay Stark, I'm going to call Peter okay? He is familiar with these things isn't he?"
Tony nodded along, before realising what Loki had said and shaking his head violently, dizzyness clouding his vision at the quick movement.

"No. Pete-Peter can't-he doesn't-no."

"Okay Stark, okay. No Peter. Just, tell me what I can do."

Stark. God, he hated his last name. Howard Stark always a part of him.

"Alone. Want to be alone."
"Okay Stark, I'll leave you, just... Call somebody that can help okay? I'll talk to Rogers."

Shit. That whole situation still had to be dealt with.

Shit. Shit shit shit.

He blinked once and Loki was gone, leaving him alone again.

"Friday, start counting--please Fri."
"Certainly boss. 1000. 999. 998-"

-

"You told them?"
"Yeah."

Tony turned his head towards Peter, sunken in eyes empty and carefully hidden behind his shades even though it was dark out. Clothes baggy as if trying to hide curves that were no longer there.

Steve's words still echoed in his mind, The yelling that hadn't stopped for hours after Loki tried to talk Rogers into apologising to him and Rogers stubbornly refusing to acknowledge his wrongdoing. The captain coming down to the workshop in the end and mumbling something about how he was sorry while his voice told Tony he clearly didn't mean it.
The way they hadn't talked for a month now, their slowly growing bond having shattered like glass after that fallout.

"How'd it go?"

He smiled at Peter, shewed up lips stretching painfully wide in his attempt to convince the teen that he hadn't locked himself in his lab for over a week and that he hadn't needed Pepper to pry a blade out of his hand.

"Great Pete. It went great.

" I'm glad Mr Stark. I told you they'd get it."

"Yeah. Yeah, you did, kid."